Monday, May 12, 2014

What It Means When Your Parents Find Out They Aren't Legally Married

Do you guys want to hear the funniest story ever? Of course you do! After I told the story about the time I got a chance to give my ex a taste of his own medicine, I thought maybe you guys might like to hear about the time I got to give my mother a big old spoonful of hers. Sound interesting?

I thought so.

Now my brothers and I, as different as we may be, were all cut from the same cloth of "very twisted humor." Anytime you get the three of us in a room together it's a never ending slap stick comedy show.

Brother

For example, my father owns an accounting firm and every year when tax time rolls around, they throw a huge tax party for our entire extended family. We would all sit around, eat, joke, and one by one make our way into my father's home office to get our taxes done. A couple of years ago, I think probably the last one that I attended, roughly forty of us are sitting around a Tetris style creation of tables that made one large table, and we are about to eat. My mother announces that we are going to say a prayer and everyone quiets down. Everyone that is, except for one of my brother's who is loudly talking on his phone. He is looking at his shoes and carrying on and on with his conversation until I kick him under the table. He looks up, realizes that everyone is looking at him, looks slightly embarrassed, and in an attempt to save face, says "Oh...I gotta go. I just realized that I am talking very loudly on the phone and everyone is looking at me. Just put some cream on it and try not to scratch it."

I see the look on my grandma's face and I take the opportunity to jump in with "Oh don't worry, that's just his girlfriend."

My other brother doesn't miss a beat and replies "Yea, sorry dude, I didn't know I was contagious."

And that my friends, was my family.

My Grandma and brother

So my mother, she just LOVES to judge. If you ever meet her I am going to warn you right now, she is always right, you are always wrong, and she knows this because Jesus told her so.

Who can argue with Jesus?

I tried once. My mother told me I was going to hell because I got divorced and I told her that I didn't have time to discuss it now, but we would have all of eternity to get into it while we burned in flames together.

"What? I'm not going to hell" she said.

"Hum. I'm not so sure about that mother, I believe it was Jesus who said he will judge you as you have judged others."

"Eden, stop that. Jesus and I have an understanding."

"Oh, did he tell you that at church on Sunday? Because I haven't seen you there in a while" I shot back.

"Eden, they changed the sermon and now its 15 minutes longer. I can't sit that long."

"Funny. I thought it was Jesus who asked his disciples "Can you not even stay awake while I pray?"

"EDEN STOP THAT."

"Ok mother. I just thought that since you missed church on Sunday, I'd catch you up on what Jesus meant when he said 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone.' "

"Eden!! Don't you dare say that!! You should be grateful that you have mother who cares about your salvation. Do you really think that you can just walk around living in sin? Well you can't! I refuse to let you taint me! I know what Jesus has in store for sinners like you and it's not eternity in heaven with me!"

She hangs up the phone.

I would like to add, that eternity with her most certainly would not be heaven, so she may be at least partly onto something there....

Anyways, so, what do you get when you have a know it all mother who ALWAYS does right in the eyes of the Lord, and her three quick witted children?

Brother

You get situations like this;

One of my brothers was going to England and my mother wanted to get a passport as well in case something happened and she needed to fly over there. Apparently there was a tiny little snag while attempting to get her passport. Why she decided to bring this up at the dinner table instead of in a private conversation with my father, I'm not sure.

"Uh...honey," she says to my father, "I went to get my passport today and...there was a little problem with my social security number. Well, actually, it was more like a problem with my last name." (I can't remember the exact details of how the story went, something about a problem with her social security card and the records department and the clerks office and ......)   Honey, we aren't legally married."

A collective gasp sweeps over the dinner table. Eyes darted around as my brothers and I make eye contact with each other. No one says a word for a full two minutes, which is a really long time when no one is breathing. My father cracks the silence first. "Of course we are married. I was there. I married you. We have pictures."

"Uh...no. You were at our wedding. There seems to be a problem with the actually legality of the marriage. Somehow our marriage license wasn't filed."

Trying, trying, trying, nope, can't do it. I just can't resist. I can't hold back any longer. Tried, failed. "YOU AREN'T MARRIED!!???" I blurt out.

A flood gate of questions and accusations erupts from my brothers and I in a wave of words that overcomes not only the silence of the room, but the "sanity" of my mother.

"You have been using a false identity! Dad, you are an accountant and you filed as married! That's tax fraud! You have a false ID as your drivers licence! You have a fraudulent credit card! Does dad owe you child support? I wonder what grandma will say when she finds out you've been sleeping with your boyfriend all these years!"

Seriously though, how does someone go 30 years without finding out they aren't legally married and getting by with an apparent false name?

It goes on and on. I wait until it dies down and everyone has settled back into their shocked silence and then I say it. I shouldn't have, I know it was evil, but I can't help myself.

"Do you guys know what this means?"

"We are all bastard children."

"I hope Jesus can forgive you for living in sin all these years and producing three illegitimate children out of it. That's us, one big happy heathen household!"

My Grandma and her three "bastard" grandchildren. 

The color literally drains from her face before goes fleeing from the table as if satan's flames were actually nipping at her heels.

Best. Day. Ever.





*I wish I knew how this eventually panned out. Seriously, how did she not find this out sooner? Half of me wonders if they were married and she was given the wrong information that day. The curiosity is killing me.....
*And for those of you who miss my sarcasm, no, I'm not really calling anyone a bastard child. Children are children no matter when or where they come from, the end. But now if you are my mother, according to her, I was just pointing out a little "fact" that she taught us growing up....

42 comments:

  1. That is too funny

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  2. Okay so I have just finished a several day stint of reading through every single post on your blog and I'm so addicted to it so I figured you should know. You are a force of nature and I'm still having trouble figuring out how you are a real person who is actually as strong and hilarious as you are.

    I just wanted to let you know that I'm the child of an only parent, a mother whose ex-husband was a lazy, selfish idiot who bailed on me and my brother when we were eleven by moving to a different country and making a half-assed effort at calling us every now and then, and absolutely no effort at paying child support or helping raising us. My mom is wickedly smart and quick-witted, and incredibly resourceful, but to be honest I didn't even know she even had a personality until I was about 10 or 11 years old and she was able to stop overexhausting herself in making sure we were raised with everything we needed, healthy diets, clothes on our backs, and absolutely no awareness that our dad was a deadbeat. But now, she is my best friend in the world, and I'm well aware of every sacrifice she's made for my happiness, and I make sure to thank her in every way I possibly can.

    I figured I'd tell you this because I'm absolutely certain that your daughter will feel the same way about you someday soon as I feel about my mom, which is that I will work my ass off to give back everything she's sacrificed for me tenfold and make sure she never wants for anything again. I adore her and will do anything for her, and with the amazing and inhuman strength you've upheld for your daughter's sake, I'm sure she'll realize it in time and look up to you the same way. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this, because you have so much spirit already, but I figured it should be said anyway, just in case you ever need some reminding some day. :)

    I identify with your family SO much. Single mother who works her ass off (though who comes from a considerably more fortunate upbringing than you have), older girl who is too smart for her own good and perhaps a little more aware of what mom has been through, younger brother who is goofy and lovable but does not have much of a male role model in his life, loser asshole abusive ex and a crazy sitcom life that doesn't seem real. It's actually a little scary how much reading your blog makes me feel like I've gone back in time sometimes, I think my brother and I even have the same age difference as your kids!

    Anyway, your blog is perhaps my favorite thing ever as a result, and I will be avidly following all your future posts because I'm extremely invested in your family's progress from this point. I hope your non-profit continues to be amazing and successful, and I can't wait to see what comes of your confrontation with your mother. I hope you knock her off her pedestal with brute force, she has it coming.

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    1. Aw, I loved hearing all about your mom, what a neat relationship you guys have now!! I can only pray that my daughter grows up to have an appreciation of me like you do your mom. Obviously she did a wonderful job with you :)

      I'm so glad you made it over here! Craziness and all, we have a good time here :) Thank you for your awesome words of encouragment to me, I love hearing from you guys and it definitely makes all the writing worthwhile :)

      Thrilled to have you along for the journey hun, and looking forward to hearing from you again soon!!

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    2. Nice to hear those words of encouragement for Eden in regards to her future relationship with her daughter. She needs all the support she can get

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    3. Got here the same way...a reading marathon...then a commenting marathon - so glad I'm not the only one to do this kind of stuff ;)

      Nathalie
      xoxoxox

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  3. Well hello, fellow bastard child! ;)

    My parents were married when I was 7 months old. My father's parents didn't even know my mother existed until she called him (he was visiting his parents in another state) to tell him she was in labor. I was born early, so my father thought he had time to visit his parents. Apparently not. He pretty much had to say to them, "Uh, mom and dad? Guess what? You're going to be grandparents in a couple of hours!"

    They got married because I was born. It did not end well. For anyone involved.

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    1. bastard children unite! Who wants to make the t-shirts??

      Sorry to hear about your parents :( Thats no fun. It is a little funny about the suprise your are going to be grandparents part! Did they flip out?

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    2. Hooray for t-shirts!

      They flipped out majorly. But (may they RIP) were freaking insane nutjobs. They convinced my parents to move us to their state (about 800 miles away from where we were living then) when I was 14 months old because, according to them, my father wasn't prepared for the stresses of fatherhood.

      He was 34.

      They did his laundry for him, they grocery shopped for him, they bought him his clothes, they bought him his drugs, and pretty much everything else he wanted. Keep in mind they did NOT do our laundry, grocery shopping, etc. Just his.

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  4. Ugh judgey self righteous people. Nothing better than turning the table on them. You would think they would learn from that but learning isn't their strong point. Nor empathy for that matter.

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    1. People that judgy never seem to learn do they? They are too busy thinking up reasons why the other person is wrong to let anything of value sink in...

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  5. I would have gone after her yelling "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU, THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!!".

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    1. hehehehehe, I can just picture someone saying that. tooo funny!

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    2. Haha!! Oh my gosh she probably would have just died right then and there!!! I could have also thrown salt and Holy water at her if I had been better prepared.

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  6. So did they ever fix the problem and actually get married? And if they did, she better not have worn white. It is meant for virgin pure brides who don't have bastard children. I am pretty sure God wouldn't have approved of her wearing white since she was so tainted (in multiple ways). ;)

    Were you/she raised Southern Baptist? The things she was saying to you sound like some of the crap I heard as a kid in some back woods deep south crazy churches back in the day.

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    1. I don't know to be honest, hence the little astrick at the bottom of the article. I don't know what happened! HAHA on the white! Oh my gosh that would have been so funny!!

      We were initially raised Catholic and then converted to Presbyterianism, but my mother's beliefs do not seem to fall within most anything I have learned in church...

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  7. Aww I know your family is abusive, but it also seems like many funny anecdotes and escapades happen...

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    1. There were a few good times, I won't deny it. Not enough to make me want to stick around, but there were times. :)

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  8. Out of curiosity, did you grow up poor or in an affluent household? I know you got soup kitchen food in high school, but when did tax parties happen, and how does your mother fit into all of this? Sorry for so many questions

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    1. I'd say upper middle class. My parents did have money, they just weren't always around. My mom was in and out of the house and my dad stayed at where I would assume was work quite a bit. Like literally days on end and when my mom was in the hospital, which was quite a lot, he would stay there. The church brought us food sometimes but we didn't get soup kitchen food. My kids and I get food pantry food now, but I didn't when I was younger and living at home. When I wasn't at home I pretty much ate anywhere I could. What do you mean how does my mother fit into all of this?

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  9. What is Grandma like? Is one of your brothers gay?

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    1. Grandma rocks. She is a cool old lady!

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  10. You mean YOUR grandma, right? NOT your mother (who is your kids "grandma"?) Whose side of the family is your grandma on? (Your dad or your mom?)

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    1. Nooooo, not my mother. My father's mother. She is awesome, but because I don't speak to my family, I don't get to see her as much as I used too :( I try to get over to her house when I can, but I miss out on seeing her for all the "family" stuff, holidays, birthday, etc.

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  11. I just let out a hearty guffaw! You majestic evil genius, you :) what a one-liner! TAKE THAT, MA!

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  12. Eden, I am so in love with your stories. You are a very good writer! I am so sorry that they are your real life. I am amazed at your courage and ability to find the humor in what was a terrible time for you. I wish you only the very best that this life has to offer and I know in my heart that you will come out on top! I also want to tell you that your mother does NOT have the Lord in her life as that is not the way Jesus teaches us to treat others and I am sure hell will be her reward so dont worry about spending forever with her in heaven! I will keep your sweet little family in my prayers.

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    1. Aw thanks Michele! Thank you for your encouraging words!!

      I agree with you, I am a very strong Christian, and what that means to me is that I am a person striving to live the life Christ wants me to, yet ever failing and always trying. That's all. I am no better than anyone else and certainly am in no position to be judging people because I myself am constantly failing to live up to the standards that are expected of me.

      Christianity is not about judging, its about loving and somehow she missed that :(

      Please pray for her

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    2. After all you've been through, I'm so impressed you've kept your faith. You're a role model :)

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    3. Haha, well I don't know about a role model, but yes, my faith is central to my life :)

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  13. Any pictures of your mother or father?

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    1. no wouldn't that defeat the purpose of her 'anonymous' blog????

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  14. I hope your dad wasn't triple fisting it, like you're brother was,while he was doing taxes :) Well, if so, perhaps people got more money back? ;) Hooray!!!

    And yeah...if there's one thing I've learned...Never argue with Jesus...EVER!!!

    Nathalie
    xoxoxox

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  15. And yeah - forgot to mention - Shotgun wedding for my parents! But you know what? Kinda neat to see pictures of my Mom at 20, mid-'70's, pregnant in her rented wedding dress:) We had the same pregnancy term - my first daughter and I are 2 days apart in birthdays...Except I was 32 - not married - never had the nerve to do so...yeah, so from one from bastard child to another.., my bastard children no longer live with bastard children's father - but my Mother still lives with a jerk of a father and husband that he is - I'd rather my children be bastards, then live unhappily with a jerk father around (but they're Girls! Then, are they Bitches? Nope) - They are this..

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbVlGESh9Mc

    Paste it in your browser (for those who don't know) (Anybody watched Everybody Loves Raymond? Big brother is, Big axe Big guy who wants to play piano - just learned this recently!) Bravo and Good Job Raymond's big bother Monsieur :) I feel like Frankenfever too sometimes :)

    Proud to be a Bastard!

    Nathalie
    xoxoxox

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    1. And I'm like this - and the girls too - I'll be happy to get everything in one comment someday- ;)

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=RDchppF5jqKNw&v=chppF5jqKNw

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    2. A rented wedding dress in the 70's lol! Pregnant! The cliches are killing me lol!

      Thanks for the link!!

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    3. Tell me about it...love the '70s - and my Mom is totally '70s - still :)
      Checking in tonight for the first time in a few days - I really had an awful week Eden...but trying to keep everything in perspective :) I must say tough, life can really F***ing suck sometimes...

      Sometimes, I wonder how you keep up - I suppose this is all new to me, and I'm still in adjustment mode. I really should be gentler on/ and patient with, myself. Things will get better. I know. I just feel tired.

      Much Love, and glad to be back,
      Nathalie
      xoxoxox

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    4. Aw, what happened to make your week so awful? I'm sorry :( I hope that your weekend makes up for it!

      I'm glad you are back as well

      **hugs**

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  16. Just being tested by life right now...

    Nathalie
    xoxoxox

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    1. Email me if you want to chat hun.

      Sending you hugs!

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