Monday, September 22, 2014

Ok, I'll Admit It, Sometimes I'm Just Bad At Sex


Alright, so I've said it before, I've only had consensual sex with one person (gasp!) Whatever, I don't care. It's not like I couldn't if I wanted too, I just don't care to have a dick inside of me unless it's attached to a man that I am seriously committed too.

That's me, swimming against the mainstream as usual....

But, if you are willing to roll "sex" in with "sex acts," I would say that I have partaken in sexual experiences with several or possibly more than several boys. Sometimes though I feel like the experience I have to offer is a little bit strange, kinda twisted, not what my partner was expecting, and quite possibly something he would have wished to avoid.

I don't know about you guys, but my girlfriends and I love to talk about sex, I'll be honest, we do. The thing is somehow they all seem to be pulling off amazing TV porno sex every time they do it and me? Not so much. I'll admit that sometimes I'm just awful, but them, not so much. I seriously cannot be the only girl that sometimes just cannot get the job done.

So here my dear readers, is where you come in. Convince me that I am not the ugly duckling in a pond full of sexy swans and that you too sometimes fail at being sexy.

With that being said I am going to get this ball rolling by sharing a few of my own stories (some of which I shared in more detail in the post "Dates Where I Was On My Worst Behavior") and I'm hoping that you guys follow suit and post your own stories in the comments section.



I would obviously love to be able to say that every sexual encounter I have leaves both me and my partner feeling breathless and wanting more, but really, even though I might go so far as to say that it happens a good majority of the time, I’ll be honest and say there are times when I’m just bad and my partner and I both know it.

I look back on my sexual history and in each “category” of sexual experiences, I can think of at least one major fail. Since I am exceedingly pretty confident in my overall sexual skills, I don't mind sharing with you a few of my big, fat, sexual FAILS.




Regular Sex
You would think that just straight up sex in a bed should be pretty fool proof, but nope, I managed to screw that up pretty badly one night when I decided to pull a sexy little move and ended up falling completely out of the bed. Well, to be fair, one foot got caught in the sheets and so I didn’t fall completely out of the bed, I was still a little bit hanging from the bed, but either way, that wasn’t really the move I was looking to pull off. Between the laughing and the near broken hip, that experience crashed at about the same speed as gravity pulled me to the floor.

Sex in Public
This was a pretty major fail. Let’s just say there was less room than I thought there would be in the front seat of the car and my naked ass ended up beeping the horn, which of course drew the attention of everyone in the parking lot to the fact that I was having sex in a parking lot. Yea….that didn’t really go over too well and it wasn’t exactly the memory making experience that I had anticipated it being.



Sex Toys
I was feeling a bit “creative” one night and I stopped at the adult store and picked up some edible body paints for me and my man. That seemed like a fabulous idea until several marvelous hours later when it was time for the clean-up and we realized that while edible they may be, washable they were not. We couldn’t get it out of the sheets, off the carpet, off the walls, and furthermore, we couldn’t get it off of our skin. A night that started with the intention of relaxing bliss ended in frustration and washcloth burns.

After that incident I decided that I would let him make the next adult store purchase which was another failure of an idea, seeing as how he came home with something that I can only describe as a cervix viewer. I kid you not it looked like a dildo with a lighted microscope on it; because nothing says “sexy” like a gynecological exam…am I right? After looking over the contraption or a few minutes I found myself saying “yeah…that’s not happening” and therefore ruined our second night of adult toy fun. (Let’s be honest here though girls, I’m going to have to place a little bit of the blame on him for that one.)


Oral Sex
Alright, my ego is going to get in the way here and proclaim that I have some skills in this department, but then I can't get to cocky (no pun intended) because there was the time when I was down on my partner and he suddenly grabbed the back of my head. I’m not entirely sure why it startled me, but it did and I uh….I bit his dick. Yea…that happened. I felt awful! Unfortunately it didn’t end there because not even 45 minutes later he accidentally bit my nipple. Bit, as in more like chomped. So there we were, the two of us biting each other like wild animals, and we both just gave up, took some aspirin, and nursed our wounds. As far as I know none of my friends have never bitten their partners junk on accident before.

Shower Sex
Yes, I’m giving this its own category because it’s such a big theme in movies and erotic novels, but seriously, is there a manual that I don’t know about? How is everyone having such great shower sex? Can someone please tell me because I ended up just getting my face shoved into the soap dish after 15 minutes of awkwardly trying to find a position that would even be anatomically possible.

Eventually we decided that it wasn’t working because the height difference between us was too great, which led us to the natural (and really, really, stupid) decision that he should just pick me up. I say this was a stupid decision because NO, it did not work, AT ALL. What actually happened was that he slipped, we both fell, and we ended up being so bruised and broken that we couldn’t have sex for the next ten days. How come that never happens on TV?

Boring Sex
How come none of my friends have ever had boring oral/sex? I mean I've heard them say that they weren’t really in the mood but apparently they can all still pull off an A+ porn star act without a hitch. I, on the other hand, have on occasion found myself just laying there (consensually) while I thought "if I move a little to the left I might be able to see the TV over his head and if I wriggle a little to the right if I might even be able to grab the remote." It couldn’t have been very fun for him, but what can I say? I’m just not great at putting on an act.

Foreplay
I don’t know about you, but my friends seem to always have the smoothest transitions from flirting to full blown porn style orgasms. Does it really happen like that all the time? I swear some of my most awkward moments have come just as the experience was getting started. It’s not always my fault, like the guy who whipped it out and uttered the phrase “in the name of science,” which caused my vagina to immediately seal itself shut to avoid finding out exactly what he meant by that. Sometimes though it’s just me. Sometimes I’m just a horrible, awful person who hears herself uttering the phrase “oh my gosh have you seen a doctor?” before she realized that it might actually hurt the feelings of the guy with the very bent penis.




So there you have it people; sometimes I'm just bad in bed.

Am I the only one that has been responsible for the breakdown of a sexual experience? Am I the only one that can't pull off "amazing" every single time she fools around?

I can’t be the only one.


Photo Credit
Dildo sign
Adult Content
No Sex 
No Intercourse

32 comments:

  1. Okay fine why not...my ex-husband is of Puerto Rican extraction, and liked to talk during sex, but unfortunately I am just not okay with anybody calling me "Mommy" (even if they spell it Mami and it's what their people tend to call women in general) during sex, because EW. No. We had several talks about this, as it was a major mood-killer for me, but occasionally it would slip out in the throes of passion anyway. So one time we were going at it, and it was one of those times when I was just NOT in the mood and finally said "fine, whatever, be quick I'm tired" so I was ALREADY aggravated and he busts out with the "Mami" and I just BAM! Slapped him right upside the head. And then? He was like "Ooo! Harder!"

    There was no winning with that guy.

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    1. "Harder" hahahaha! That's a classic. Thanks for sharing!!!

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  2. I think the best story I have is when we broke the bed. :) Boing, boing, boing, CRASH!! in our defense, the bed was old, I mean we weren't THAT vigorous in our... movements. :) I think we kept going and then surveyed the damage and laughed about it afterwards. Priorities, you know.

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    1. Ha! Actually....that happened to me too. But Im blaming that on the bed not on my skill set! Or....maybe it was due to my skill set! ;)

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  3. After 10 years together and 3 kids, my husband won my heart the other night with every girl's dream line: "You can keep reading your book while I do you." Everybody wins!

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  4. I will unfortunately have to join the club and say that I have also bit my partner's penis. I actually know a few people that has happened too. Must feel really good if guys are willing to continuously risk it!

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  5. I had one of those huge candles, the ones with like 5 wicks in it, fall on my forehead. He was having a great time and the candle slipped off the edge. Talk about pain! I started crying, I think from the shock of it. He started laughing, then he was angry when I wouldn't let him finish. It was horrible, I had a bruise for days and would blush horribly every time someone asked what happened.

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    1. Oh no lol!! Hey but that wasn't your fault, that was all him!! What a moron to make you keep going :(

      What did you tell people about the bruise!?

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  6. I fell asleep during sex once. I had gone over to his place for some hot tub action and beers and I guess I was too relaxed from it because I remember starting to do it inside in his bed, then I remember waking up the next morning. He felt really hurt no matter how many times I told him it was the hot tub/beer not him!

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    1. That happened to a guy I dated once, not with me, but I remember him telling me about how mad the girl was. He was drunk too, must be a real thing!

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  7. Falling asleep (or very nearly) is a classic. Also my jaw just refuses to stay open prolonged periods of time, so I bit him and from then on just stopped and said "break or bite". Not. Nice. Sex in the shower started with a lot of slipping and almost falling and ended with him hitting his head into the wall so hard he almost fainted - all in the middle of him climaxing. I am usually too small for the partner, so anything with standing is just a quest for a position that's remotely possible. And by the way: farting is NOT good for the atmosphere.
    There you have it, you're not weird at all.

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    1. Oh my gosh the hitting his head part! Ouch!!! Kinda ruins the moment....

      Thank you for partaking in my weirdness ;)

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  8. Let's see....Yeah, the bored thing. It was like that EVERY time my ex went down. I just couldn't get into it! Just finish already. He loved to go down, and it got to where I would fake an orgasm just to get it over with.

    We tried the shower thing once, and even though we were similar in height, we couldn't get it to work. I didn't let him try picking me up though.

    Sex in a car in front of my best friend's house with my drunken best friend banging on the passenger window and screaming "THE WHOLE WORLD CAN SEE YOUR LILY WHITE ASS!!!!"

    Sex in a hayloft at my parents place because their rule was we couldn't do it in the house....Then spending the next six hours (including dinner with parents) trying to pretend like neither of us had little poky shards of hay in our underwear.

    That's all I can think of for the moment. Oh, and Anonymous-LOVE the farting thing. lol Been there, done that!!

    Oh! And I didn't bite his junk, but we used to take turns trimming one another's "hedges," *winkwink* and I cut his balls with the electrical trimmer.....

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    1. Damn girl you are quite the match for my experiences! Love the hay in the underwear! I went on a hayride last weekend and my friend and I got all these scratches on the back of our legs from the hay. I can't imagine having it IN my underwear!!

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  9. We just have the usual lube, dildo, vibrator & an anal bead set for me which seems pretty normal, but maybe not for everyone, lol! My man & I have had sex in a few dressing rooms back when we were young & I was on birth control - I can't imagine doing that now!! We also used to have sex in his truck & sister's car now & then which was never particularly comfortable, but hey we made it work! I've never bitten him before, but my jaw does clench up & get stuck after some time so he knows I've gotta take a rest while he continues :) I don't understand shower sex either! We are only around 5 inches apart, but I don't like it from behind while standing & in a normal size shower there isn't room for anything else. Foreplay is my favorite & I always enjoy when he goes down on me, but sometimes I don't want a full on session, just a little teaser, so there's that.

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    1. Im so glad I am not the only one who can't do the shower sex thing. It looks so damn easy on TV!!!!! Lies, all lies.

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  10. I have fallen asleep while giving a handjob. I'd had a little too much to drink and passed out with my hand lightly gripping his penis. He had to go into the bathroom and finish himself off because he couldn't wake me up.

    I have also had failed shower sex. I couldn't find a way to situate myself correctly in order for anything fun to happen.

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    1. Oh now that's funny lol!

      Shower sex; not so convinced it actually exists.....

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  11. Shower sex works great if it's doggie style! But it has to either be a wide tub or neither of you can be too thick in the thighs. Generally, I recommend sticking with shower hand and blow jobs.
    Bladder problems lead to peeing while orgasming and that is a sad but very compelling reason to go see a doctor right away. :( I tried to pretend I was squirting and I'm still not sure if he believed me or was too polite/embarrassed/secretly in to it to say anything.
    When I was pregnant, the doctor put me on an anti-nausea medicine that seemed to be working really well until I tried going down on my husband and ended up puking all over his cock. No warning and I wasn't even going deep!
    Mostly now, it's a lot of hurried and tired sex with a baby in the house. Hubby has fallen asleep post climax but still inside me about half a dozen times and twice when I was giving him a hand job. I've told him that if I fall asleep during sex, he has my consent to keep going but he says that's just too weird.

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    1. Haha!! That's funny about the puking. I'm telling you, the anti nausea meds did not help me. Did you take Zofran? Reglan? Neither worked for me and I ended up taking unisom. Once I got over the feeling of being in a coma, it worked well. I couldn't have imagined giving a BJ while on it though, I used to puke if the TV commercials moved to fast I was so nauseas!

      At least your husband sounds respectful lol!

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    2. He is, he really is! I also had a traumatizing childhood and that and a first boyfriend from hell gave me massive trust and anger issues where men are concerned. He accepted me just as I was, agreed with all my reasons about why most guys are stupid (yep, he's a big feminist) and radiates trust and respect like no one else. Took a lot of convincing before he believed it was ok to spank me (and hard!) if I asked for it, though.

      I was on unisom, too. It worked pretty well except I had to take it at the exact same time every night or I'd end up puking for hours. When I had a stomach bug at 8 months they gave me the zofran that dissolves in your mouth because I was throwing up too much for unisom (takes about half an hour to kick in for me). J.H.

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    3. I'm glad he was able to win (and prove) his trustworthiness :)

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  12. I think I can beat the lot. My most disastrous was being handcuffed to the bed and blindfolded while he used hot wax on me, dripped from a few candles he placed strategically around the room. After that, he was going down when I smelled burning. One of the candles had set fire to the pillow next to my head and I was stuck there with my hands and feet tied while he flapped about the bedroom panicking with his goods bouncing all over the place. We escaped in one piece, my bedding set did not.

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    1. Oooh, another one! I used to live with my ex and his sister, who I didn't get on very well with (just too different from one another). One day we were downstairs and heard this weird sound throughout the whole house. We all went in search of the source and five minutes later she came downstairs holding my vibrator (which was still going strong) and asking, "What's this?" (She was very innocent, or possibly evil and wanted to see me suffer). It had fallen off the bed and onto the almost hollow wooden pipe cover, knocking itself on in the process so the sound reverberated through the entire house. I just grabbed it, ran upstairs and stayed there. For a very long time.

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    2. Haha, I'm trying really hard not to point out the most obvious joke in regards to your last sentance.....trying....

      That would be really embarrassing lol!!

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    3. OH MY GOSH about the fire!! Geesh!! I guess hindsight is always better than foresight but wowzers thats crazy!!

      Honestly though, I could totally see that happening to more than a few people...

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    4. Ah haha, I didn't see that! Trust me, after that experience, all batteries were removed from everything and I swore a vow of celibacy (didn't last, but I meant it at the time...).

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