Can someone please bring me some wine and a few cupcakes? Because I'd really like to stuff my feelings down with food right about now.
Tomorrow I have court again with my ex.
I'm not sure how I feel about this.
When I wrote my last post, I was angry. And before that, I was scared. And even before that, and even now, I'm just hurt; hurt that I need to chase down the father of my kids and try to get him to acknowledge that our kids exist.
Tired of going through this, tired of not getting anywhere, and tired of the reality that this may be my life until my kids turn 18... which is 14 more years.
So tomorrow, it will most likely just be another blip on the radar of the life that I have to come.
14 more years of this.
4 down, 14 to go.
It could be worse though, I could be fighting him for custody, or arguing with him over visitation, but I'm not, and that's what I will keep in mind.
This is just money; five figures worth of money that we desperately need, but at the end of the day, I already have everything that is important to me, and that's what I will remember.
It's what I think of when I walk into the courthouse, terrified to see my ex, and drained by the process. It's the two little sets of brown eyes that remind me of why I keep doing this; why I need to keep doing this.
It's the two little people who deserve more than what their father did to them, and it's because I refuse to pretend like my kids don't exist, just to appease him.
They do exist, and I'll be damned if I let him forget that.
So yea, 14 more years of this.
Good thing I have two amazing reasons to keep going.
Pray for me, but more than that, please pray for my ex.
Because when I see him in court tomorrow, he's going to need those prayers.