Thursday, July 14, 2016

Mommy's New Man


If you remember from my last post, "To My Beautiful Daughter," both of my children had birthday's last month, and as I have done since before they were born, I had written a letter to each of the them; letters that are written on a weekly basis, and will one day be compiled into a book and given to them when the time is right.

For those of you who didn't read the last post, I'd suggest that you go and do that first, but if clicking over there is too much work, I'll post a brief excerpt for you (paraphrased for context):

"Typically my letters to them are based on goofy things they have said, the fun things we have done, the struggles that I encounter in raising them, and general updates to their life, but every year when their birthday’s roll around… well let’s just say that I tend to get a bit more sentimental.

Today I invite you all to read two of the letters that God willing, my kids themselves will one day read when the time is right. I'll warn you that they contain a lot of things that you have already heard me say on this blog and in my articles, so it may feel a bit redundant, but remember, these letters weren't written for you, they were written for them, and all the feelings that I have shared with you in raising them, well now one day they will get to read them too." 
So, last week was The Girl Child's letter, and today I'd like to share with you The Boy Child's Letter. Also, I will once again be sharing a few unblocked photos with you.

Thank you for reading.


To my son,

Wowzers buddy, you are five!!! I really can’t even wrap my head around that. As you remind me all the time, “momma, you have no babies left,” and you’re right, I don’t. Because as I’ve watched you grow over the last five years, you barely resemble the baby that I brought home from the hospital, and instead of the times in years gone by, now I’m watching a man grow up before my very eyes.

Sure, I still have tantrums to calm and routinely encounter a spaghetti covered face being buried into my clean white shirt while a little voice asks for a hug. Yes, I still have dirt on my floor, mud on my walls, monsters to scare out of the closet, and “pet bugs” brought into my house. I currently have a chair upstairs with only three legs, because you took one off this morning to “fix it,” and last night I realized that you colored one of my couch cushions with a green marker.


Because, you see, you’re still so very innocent in the ways in which you view the world, yet you are charging at life with a force that often blows me away. And sure, sometimes that frustrates me in ways that I never even thought were possible, but you also make me realize how much my love for you transcends everything else, because even when I am weary and worn, scrubbing crayons off the screen of my TV and using tongs to pry an entire box of Kleenex out of the toilet, every fiber of my being is alert and ready to tend to your needs, because I love you.

I love you so much that it scares me.


Every mother has that moment when a doctor places a new baby boy in her arms, and she realizes that she is going to be responsible for raising a man, and for many moms that task is a bit more daunting than raising a daughter, because we have never been men before. What do we know about living as men, and how are we now supposed to live in a way that will raise a good one?

If we are lucky, we will have a strong man at our side whose role as father will guide us in teaching our son's the path to manhood, but if we aren't so lucky, well, then it's all on us, and in this case, raising you was all on me.

How do I raise a man?

I didn’t know the answer to that, and it terrified me. So when the doctor placed you in my arms and I caught sight of your father standing in a corner, I pulled you in a little tighter, because I knew that my job was not just going to entail teaching you how to become a man, but also un-teaching you all the destructive things that your father was going to brand into your soul.

In fact, I knew from the moment that the ultrasound tech told me that you were a boy, that you and I were going to be on a special journey together, and it may be why I conveniently choose your very first outfit, as one that said “Mommy’s New Man,” because that is what you were. I knew, that in order for you to stand any chance in becoming the man that the world needs you to be, that I needed to protect your path into adulthood from the one man in our lives who was only going to destroy you; your father.


So there you were, 7lbs and the most important man in my life, and if I was going to raise you right, well then we were in this one together, because neither of us knew anything about becoming a man, and therefore our only option would be to figure it out together.


And we have. And I’m going to let you in on a little secret here… I don’t actually like playing cars. I’m also not that into watching the tractors next door plow the fields, I really couldn’t care less about screaming “LOOK! A FIRETRUCK!!” every time we pass one on the street, and I really, REALLY, do not like bugs.

But I like you.

So if you like it, well then I guess I will try and like it too, because that’s what a good teammate does to support you. And My Love, I do support you, and I always will, because we are a team. We are charging at this task together and if we succeed, it will most likely be because we picked each other up when we fell, cheered each other on when we needed it, and never, ever left the other one behind.

I will never leave you behind because you are my teammate; my son, my blood, my heart, and my purpose.


I love you, and at just five years old you’ve had enough people in your life fail to love you in the way that you deserved, but I promise, I will never be one of them.

Whatever you choose to do, wherever you choose to go, whomever you choose to be, I will be by your side.


So today, I toast to you, and to the five years you have spent stomping, jumping, and pounding out your path. I toast to the five years you have spent learning to become who the world needs you to be, and I thank you for letting me come along this journey with you. Because My Love, I’ve never known what it’s like to be a man, but I sure am enjoying the path we are both taking to figure that out.


We will do this buddy, because I’ve got your back, and if that means that the direction we are headed today is towards the tractor plowing the field or the bug scampering down the street, well then that is where we will go, because neither of us know the path to raising a man, but I’m open to helping you figure that out.



I will always be here to help you pave the path, read the map, give you direction when needed, but this is your journey. I’m already grown, and now I’m just coming back to help you do it too.


We’ve got this, because you’ve got me.

Five years down, and a lifetime to go.



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26 comments:

  1. What a beautiful tribute and what beautiful people you are. I hope that your children realize early on how special of a mom they really have!! :)

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    1. You are way too sweet, thank you so much :)

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  2. Whoa finally all the pieces of your face come together!!! I love the idea of the letters and want to start writing them for my son, he is two now. Thanks for the inspiration.

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    1. You'll love doing it, it's really fun to look back on and see how things change. I hope our kids enjoy them :)

      *hugs*

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  3. I love the pictures!!! Have you checked your e-mail lately? There should be a little surprise in there for the adorable kiddos....Take Care
    Niki E.

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    1. I emailed you back! Did you not get it? :( I'll email you again when I'm on the computer!!!

      You're the BEST!!

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  4. He is such a handsome boy! happy 5th to your baby!!!

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  5. The good news is, nobody has parenting figured out 100%. He'll turn out great! Also...... Just wait until he starts noticing girls.......

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  6. Eden, thanks for sharing these. I also write annual letters to my two kids (now 10 and 9) to recap the year, but, more importantly, to tell them what wonderful human beings they are turning out to be. You strike me as a very intelligent person with a eloquent writing style, I am sure you are an awesome mom. Best wishes and big hugs to you and your wierdos. - GB (SF Bay Area)

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    1. High five to my fellow letter writer!! I hope your kids get as much out of them as we put into them :)

      And thank you for your sweet compliments

      *hugs*

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  7. Even though you said these letters arent for us and are for your kids, they seem better fit for a blog oe journal post than something specifically for them- every other sentence starts with "I" and the rest revolve around "me" and it just turned me off to being one of your readers to see that even supposed sentimental letters to your children still are about the world revolving around Eden. :(

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    1. I couldn't disagree with this more and I have hard time believing that you are a regular reader, because if you were, you would know Eden's entire world revolves around her children. She says in her opener that typically her letters entail the funny things her kids have done, updates to their lives, etc. She also said these letters are different.

      What you perceive as an egotistical letter, is really a mother pouring her love out to her kids. Telling them how scared she is to raise them because she loves them so much. She is promising two kids whose father ditched them that she will never do the same.

      How can you not see that? Her "i" statements are a beautiful profession of love. Would it really be more beautiful if it just said "you turned 5. You like trucks. You like cars." I think not. Her children will one day be able to look back and see how much their mother loved them, and there is nothing selfish about that. I wish I had done something like this for my kids, and even more I wish my mother had done something like this for me

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    2. LOL You can have a hard time believing it all you want, it doesn't change the fact it's true

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    3. I agree with Kay. You completely misread the entire thing and it couldn't be further from the truth. It is you, OP anonymous that is wrong. Stop trying to create "facts" that don't exist. You sound like a vile person who looks for the negative in everything. I pity your soul due to your pessimist view on life. Pity you, and pity your life.

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    4. ***I won't be publishing anymore comments on this topic because this is not a place to fight.*** To the first anon, thank you for your dedication to the trolling life. Your efforts have been noted and will be repayed in full. To the repliers, thank you for your services and *hugs*.

      Have a good day everyone!

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  8. I strongly suggest you take out the negative part about his father- no matter how awful a parent is, it is unequivocally wrong to bash them to your kid, period.

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    1. I don't usually refer to trolling comments, but this one is so ridiculous I can't even resist and Id love your opinion on this. So what should I tell him? "Sorry that your father felt the need to rape your mother and give you a black eye when you were 7 months old, and then run away when he was about to face some consequences, and never contact us again, but really, he's a great guy."

      Let me guess, you're the same type of guy and you are mad that your ex doesn't lie to your kids about you.

      Sorry but your argument is irrelevant :)

      *hugs!!*

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    2. This reminds me if the post you (eden),wrote about teaching your daughter the right types of love. I don't felt you bashed your husband at all, but rather pointed out that he failed to love your son the way your son deserved. It's important to remind them of what love looks like. As you had said, iF we tell our kids that their fathers/mothers who have left them or abused them love them, we are setting them up to let people treat them like crap because they will have the wrong idea of what love looks like. We don't need to outright complain about them, and you don't, bUT when the conversation serves you remind them that what there father offered them was not love and I admire that gentle approach. It's the approach I've taken and I appreciate you teaching me that.

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    3. To add, it's also important to acknowledge that he didn't love them like he should. Kids hurt over stuff like this and not talking about it doesn't acknowledge their feeling. Trauma therapy 101 is about acknowledging the trauma and if we never talk about the hurt the leaving parent caused, then we never give our kids the opportunity to deal with the pain.

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  9. Trolling? Someone disagreeing with your choice is trolling, eden? Surely you don't think that. I simply agree with the masses, including family Court judges, who now have it written into custody and divorce papers that this kind of talk about the other parent is now proven harmful. Disagree you may, but calling me a troll - I'd expect more from the blog owner herself!

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    1. If you're the mother (which I highlynl doubt) then I'm fairly worried about your children. Parental alienation (which is what I'm assuming you are mistakenly referring too) is not at all the same thing as telling a child whose father beat and abandon them, that they deserved better.

      You're basically insisting that a child abuse victim be told how wonderful their abuser is and that's lunacy. My son was abused by his father and it's my job to teach him that he didn't deserve that. I haven't told him anything other than his father was not able to be the kind of father he needed, and that he deserved better. He deserves to know that what his dad did was wrong because, if you want to cite studies, ALL studies point to the fact that abandoned children deal with feelings that it was their fault.

      I'm not going to trash his father in front of him, but I sure as heck am not going to not acknowledge that my kids deserved better.

      If you're painting a rosy picture for your kids of a parent that abused and/or abandoned them, then I'd highly suggest getting some professional help because you are leading your kids down a dangerous path of confusion and self esteem issues.

      And if you're not a parent of an abused or abandoned child, then you really have no business handing out advice :)

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    2. I have a doctorate in psychology and work specifically with pediatric trauma patients (children recovering from a trauma). I used to focus my work in other areas but as of the later years, my focus has settled somewhat in the family law realm and criminal abuse cases. Eden is correct, it is more psychologically devastating to a child to not acknowledge the trauma that has occurred due to the parental abandonment and the child abuse. She is also correct in stating that parental alienation is a vastly different topic and not at all applicable to her situation.

      I am often called upon to be a specialist testifying in court cases because I do work heavily with children who have suffered some degree of trauma through a family setting, be it abuse, molestation, or parental abandonment syndrome where years later the former parent suddenly returns and atempts to gain sone form of custody.

      I personally was drawn to Eden's blog because it provides me with an in depth view of what my clientele is experiencing, and thus far I have nothing but admiration for the way she is handling the situation.

      I have seen none of this "bashing" you refer to, but rather her continual and gentle reminders that her children have her and she will never leave them like their father did. For children that are likely to suffer from some degree of any thing from an attachment disorder to some serious self doubt, I applaud the method that she had chosen to assist her children through the healing process.

      Eden- you are doing a wonderful job and I admire your constant striving to help your children recover from this.

      To the original poster, if you are experiencing a situation similar to Eden's and would like to see what counseling services may be available in your area, I would be happy to assist you. I'd rather not post my information here but if you would like some assistance, please reply back and I'm sure we can figure out a way to manage this privately.

      -Dr. Susan

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    3. Thank you Susan, how incredibly sweet of you to offer to find the OP some services :)

      She/He has commented several more times, but I'm not going to be posting them all. They admitted to coming over from the trolling site, but stand firm that they are not a troll, and want everyone to know that their main goal is not to raise their child like I'm raising mine :) Lol. And lots of "I bet you won't even post this comment!" type things, which we all know is basically just a dare that makes them feel better when they think I've "wussed out." Nope, just don't feel like playing the game.

      As for me, my daughter has been seeing a trauma therapist since her father left and belongs to a support group at her school, and my son has been in therapy as well. I am SOOOO thankful that I have been lucky enough to find them the services that they need because I would be lost on my own!!

      They always remind me that it's important not to go out of my way to talk badly about my ex, and not to get into the details of his actions (drugs, cheating, etc), or do the whole "HE IS AWFUL, YOU SHOULD LOVE ME MORE!!" thing, but to acknowledge that he made decisions that hurt people, and that they are not a reflection on anything the kids have done; that he has his own problems to take care of and because of that, he was not in a position to take care of them. We also talk a lot about safety and what healthy love looks like. My daughter;s therapist specifically tells me that she needs to feel heard. That she is hurting because of something that was done to her, and if I keep telling her that it's OK, that nothing is wrong, than I'm not acknowledging her pain and if it's not acknowledged, than she won't know how to cope with it. I need to tell her "yes, you are hurt because he hurt you, and that's not OK, so let's figure out together how we can make you feel better."

      I wouldn't tell a child with cancer that they were fine and pretend like they were just fine and dandy, if they were in pain. She is not feeling fine, she is hurting, and she is hurting because yes, something is wrong. It's my job as her mother to help her explore that feeling and learn to cope with it, so that she doesn't look for some loser boyfriend to make her feel better, or turn to drugs to numb her pain.

      ....My comment is too long so it's being continued below...

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    4. ....CONTINUED....

      Thank you for acknowledging that this is not the same as parental alienation. There is no healthy father that should be in her life, there isn't even an unhealthy father that wants to be in her life, and either way it doesn't matter because the law won't even allow it since he physically abused not only me, but our son. These are abused and abandoned children and they need to know that what happened to them is not right. If I don't teach them that, my children are statistically more likely to either become abusers or (even more likely) allow someone else to abuse them.

      As for the original poster, your view on me makes me sad, not because I care that much about your opinion, but because it seems like you have a lot of healing you still need to go through. If your children's father abused and abandoned your child, and you are still attempting to protect the relationship for your child's sake, you are putting your child in danger and that worries me. Please don't take this as a hateful comment, it really is meant with concern. Sometimes in life we feel so desperate to fix our family or make things better for our children, that we fail to see that what we want is harmful for them. If you are simply co-parenting with your child's father and he is kind of a loser but overall safe, well then major props and bravo for not bashing him to your child, because yes, that will hurt them in the end. But if he really did abuse your child, please, please don't ignore your child's pain and please don't cover up the abuse because it will resurface at some point and it may be too late to manage the fallout.

      I won't be posting any more comments on this topic, and I do want to thank all my supporters whose comments I also didn't publish, but I was afraid that the gang mentality of everyone jumping on the original poster might not be helpful in this situation. But I did read them all, they mean a lot to me, and I truly, truly thank you for your support!

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  10. You are the mom I wish I had and aspire to be (God willing the hubby and I are able to start a family). Xoxo

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