tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post18274499269073727..comments2023-05-31T10:46:19.766-05:00Comments on It Is Not My Shame to Bear: Nothing More Than A BurdenNotMyShametoBearhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07679891969349514369noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-60856927545451998422014-04-27T21:54:53.299-05:002014-04-27T21:54:53.299-05:00Absolutely :)Absolutely :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-71412066594122361882014-04-27T17:34:48.740-05:002014-04-27T17:34:48.740-05:00You dont always get what you want, but you can lov...You dont always get what you want, but you can love what you get :)NotMyShametoBearhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07679891969349514369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-56660429555602055172014-04-27T15:32:16.505-05:002014-04-27T15:32:16.505-05:00I still find it amazing that everything that we ar...I still find it amazing that everything that we are, how we are molded, happens at our young age. Had you grown up with the reinforcement that you are brave, and strong, you would have never stayed with your children's father longer than a split second - you would have been taught to stay away from such a threat. But...on the bright side of it all, as disgusting as he is, the two good things that came out of this, are your children. They will be/they are the reason for everything now, and will be your motive to get you through anything...this is what a co-worker told me when she found out the father of my children and I split up. I've learned that there are so many blessings in disguise...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-42546384195452868012014-02-22T13:10:13.109-06:002014-02-22T13:10:13.109-06:00Yep, my family wouldn't take me in after my ex...Yep, my family wouldn't take me in after my ex left and I thought I was going to lose the house. They were perfectly fine with me and my kids living in a shelter. (shakes head)<br /><br />I'm sorry that you had to go through stuff like that as well :( It sucks!! But know this, their issues are not your problems. You are important, and even if you don't know exactly why yet, the world absolutely needs you. Don't let their childish behaivor influence the way you feel about yourself. It I had, I wouldn't be here now either. You can do it, and we can all help you!<br /><br />Love you hun!! NotMyShametoBearhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07679891969349514369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-82760496896464900232014-02-21T09:45:37.243-06:002014-02-21T09:45:37.243-06:00This one kind of hit home with me, my mom always w...This one kind of hit home with me, my mom always wanted a boy and first got a daughter... then another daughter(me)! Then finally, a boy. This isn't something they have hidden, we all knew that early on. That and so many other things have made me feel unwanted by my parents, my mom being very cold and not showing her emotions is another. <br /><br />When I left my husband a couple of months back my parents and family wouldn't help me in any way. They wouldn't even let me stay there when I had nowhere to go. My grandparents wouldn't take me in either, even though I know they have a room left over even after their dog got its own room. Yes, they let their dog have its own room but not their granddaughter.<br /><br />So I know the feeling of being unwanted, it's a horrible feeling and I'm trying to learn how to get out of it. Many times I've felt like it would have been better if I was never born and that the world would be a better place without me in it. But taking one day at a time, I'm slowly learning that is not the case. <br /><br />Thank you for this post, it was, as always, very insightful and nice to read.<br /><br /><3Cathrinenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-34518077666988944292014-02-19T22:25:17.687-06:002014-02-19T22:25:17.687-06:00Not to add to your problems, but if you suspect yo...Not to add to your problems, but if you suspect your partner has been unfaithful, you need to get yourself to a doctor and get yourself screened for STIs. <br /><br />Women are strong and have always been able to do what they have to to survive. You will find the inner strength to make it on your own. You might see him out with another woman, and hopefully you'll be able to think "Good riddance to bad rubbish!" If not, you might be sad, but it's ok to feel sad. As to how to trust? Well, it will take time. Maybe not this year, but someday you'll be ready to lend out your heart again. Sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03792197358143132340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-59061289302012595062014-02-19T20:17:28.863-06:002014-02-19T20:17:28.863-06:00Thanks for taking the time to write!! I can see ho...Thanks for taking the time to write!! I can see how your upbringing would have led to you feeling the way that you do, and I'm proud of you for recognizing your "issues" and working on them. I like the whole "conversation with yourself" thing. I do that a lot, and it helps ;)<br /><br />I am glad you are here, and I love your insights :)NotMyShametoBearhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07679891969349514369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-79689759548181557392014-02-19T17:38:44.046-06:002014-02-19T17:38:44.046-06:00I could relate so well to your post, it was almost...I could relate so well to your post, it was almost scary. Because technically I am one of the "normal people" you talk about, I have both parents around and they truly care. But I fully know the feeling of "being a burden" and not wanting to accept help, because I feel like I don't deserve it. <br /><br />My parents are great people, but they did not exactly plan their children and we always showed up at the wrong time. They never explicitly told us this was our fault! But as a matter of fact my parents have brought financial problems on themselves and having three children amidst that is not the best of ideas. :D Sadly they argued a lot in front of us and we grew up with the feeling of being just about bankrupt. Apparently that wasn't really the case, things were far less dramatic, but you can't really grasp these things as a kid and one of the earliest feelings I know in my life is fear. I was just terrified all the time. I am absolutely convinced that my parents did the best they could, but I (I'm not sure about my siblings here) always felt that it would've been easier for them if I hadn't been around. Bullies at school did the rest, convincing me to the core that I was not deserving and I could not talk to anyone, when I faced a problem.<br /><br />It is ridiculously hard to shake off that mindset. I have the greatest friends, who are always there and know how I feel (most of them are just as messed up :D), but I am really struggling with asking for help when I really really need it. I always feel people must have something much more important to do and I can not bother them with my minor hassles. They are far from minor to me, but hey, it's probably not important, because it's me, right? But I am trying hard and slowly achieving things. <br /><br />What sometimes helps me is to sit down and think: if one of them would call me right now, asking for what I am needing, would I be pissed and think it too unimportant to care? <br /><br />On the other hand, as you said, I try to not have myself walked over. It works out slightly different with me; I appear pretty dominant (which I'm not) and I lash out badly when I feel I have no way out. Thing is: I feel like a heap of crap afterwards, although it was probably a looong way of me always giving in and putting my opposite first to get there in the first place. By now I realize that when I feel this way there was usually someone who pushed me against a wall until I snap, so I have to tell myself it's not always only my fault and I have a right to try and fend for myself, but I should try to do that before I get to the point where I hit the roof. So again I sit down and try to see myself from the outside: As my opponent, would I care about "her" needs?<br /><br />So it's essentially the same question and asking myself this not only slows me down, so I don't do something rash (hit my head against the wall instead of calling someone or lashing out instead of fending for myself sooner, but softer), but it also gets me to the point where I am able think: It's ok, I would not mind at all if I was called in for help for this kind of problem, so I am allowed to call someone. And it's ok, their feelings are not necessarily more important than yours, you can step up for yourself and disagree sooner.<br /><br />I wish you all the best on this rocky road, heads up, you'll get there!!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-62190279942932210192014-02-18T19:13:14.171-06:002014-02-18T19:13:14.171-06:00I think this comment is in response to the first c...I think this comment is in response to the first commentor's question, and I agree :) Good advice!!NotMyShametoBearhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07679891969349514369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-86199971376578740612014-02-18T19:12:33.283-06:002014-02-18T19:12:33.283-06:00It is scary when you leave a relationship. Being a...It is scary when you leave a relationship. Being alone was downright terrifying for me in the beginning, and its still not always easy now, but I'll tell you from experience, it only gets harder the longer you wait. Right now you are tied to him because you have no where else to go. But if you make that your reason to stay, then in the future you will be tied to him because you have a house, and kids, and tied assests, and more.<br /><br />If he is cheating on you, you need to find out. You need to make plans for your future security that don't involve someone that you can't trust being your security. If he is cheating, then what you have now is a false sense of security. I know thats hard to hear, but what you want, and what is, are not the same things.<br /><br />Its hard to watch your life fall apart, but you can't be responsible for the lives and future of two people. Sometimes things just don't work out. The world is littered with broken relationships, and they hurt. I remember feeling like my heart might actually stop beating, it hurt so much. But you will, and can, get through it. You can't postpone the inevitable because it is difficult now. It will only make it harder in the future.<br /><br />Sit down and talk with him. See how he is feeling. Maybe he feels the same way. Maybe there is something to work on, maybe there isn't. But if there isn't, you deserve to know now, not years down the road when you have wasted even more of your time. <br /><br />What I hear from you is not "I love him," its "I don't know how to be single and I don't want to live with my family."<br /><br />Being single is hard, and honestly, I love it. After I got throught the heartache, I find it to be empowering. I couldn't have learned this much about myself if I was with someone else.<br /><br />You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone who is faithful to you. This is not the last guy you will ever meet. Don't miss the right one because you are wasting time with the wrong one.NotMyShametoBearhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07679891969349514369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-83454103817457414522014-02-18T19:05:27.964-06:002014-02-18T19:05:27.964-06:00You totally just reminded me of the fact that they...You totally just reminded me of the fact that they first thing I ever wrote, was a play called "the moth and the butterfly," and it falls eerily along these same lines. It won a national play company's contest, and the play was performed all over the nation with actors and sets, and everything. How strange to watch my fourth grade work come full circle.....NotMyShametoBearhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07679891969349514369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-9924615174638352262014-02-18T19:03:13.740-06:002014-02-18T19:03:13.740-06:00Yes!!! I am afraid I am going to do that to. Its s...Yes!!! I am afraid I am going to do that to. Its such a fine line to walk, especially when you aren't sure where an appropriate boundery line is to begine with. Luckily I have all of you smart people on here to bounce things off of. Lol! And just you wait, I will be asking....NotMyShametoBearhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07679891969349514369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-54803722661484076122014-02-18T19:00:36.554-06:002014-02-18T19:00:36.554-06:00I'm glad you like the post :)
Your childhood ...I'm glad you like the post :)<br /><br />Your childhood sounds like we had a lot of similarites in "raising" our siblings. Its amazing how many things get messed up for the rest of our lives just because of how our parents treated us. <br /><br />I'm glad you are seeking counseling, thats a great step!!! You deserve to have people around you, and just like me, you are learning to do so. We all have to start somewhere. We didn't get the opportunity to learn appropriate social relationships while we were growing up, so now, not only do we have the hard task of learning them when we also have social pressures, but we have to unlearn everything that feels "natural" to us.<br /><br />I applaud you for working at it :)<br /><br />Hugs!!!NotMyShametoBearhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07679891969349514369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-16456852298185652372014-02-18T18:56:53.022-06:002014-02-18T18:56:53.022-06:00Thanks hun, glad you found it helpful :)Thanks hun, glad you found it helpful :)NotMyShametoBearhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07679891969349514369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-35670692105898359532014-02-18T18:56:30.366-06:002014-02-18T18:56:30.366-06:00I don't want to understand it either :( I can...I don't want to understand it either :( I can't imagine treating my kids like that, it makes me sick to think of them hurting.<br /><br />Thank you for your advice :) Smarty pants youNotMyShametoBearhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07679891969349514369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-7750281740405787042014-02-17T19:56:06.515-06:002014-02-17T19:56:06.515-06:00"It finally dawned on me one day that if I di..."It finally dawned on me one day that if I didn't want to continue to get screwed over by people, that I needed to start expecting more from them." THIS! This is key. When you have high expectations of others they will either rise to meet them or they won't and you let them go or lower your expectations for that person. You will have to make a decision about when it's best to just cut your losses. For my mom, as long as the other person isn't actively trying to be mean, she'll lower expectations. Even with reasonable expectations, people will drift in and out of your life and it's sad.<br /><br />Didn't I tell you to take the conversational reigns when there's something important? In all areas of life you are in charge of your story and you get to decide how to spin things. <br /><br />I think of the baby you were and the little girl you were and I wish I could hug you. You aren't a burden. You never were. Your parents are no-good good-for-nothing expletives for imbuing you with the impression that by feeding, clothing, and housing you they were doing you a favor. I wish you'd had someone you could go to as a child! I'm sorry, I've been picturing someone doing that to my daughter and I can't understand it. I don't want to understand how one could do that to their child. Sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03792197358143132340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-80270491712549885582014-02-17T18:47:05.796-06:002014-02-17T18:47:05.796-06:00as always, exactly what I needed to hear. it's...as always, exactly what I needed to hear. it's wonderful to hear from you, lady. :))Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03360894778298328813noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-59921693933286043312014-02-17T18:32:22.462-06:002014-02-17T18:32:22.462-06:00Its definitely been a learning process. Thank you!...Its definitely been a learning process. Thank you!NotMyShametoBearhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07679891969349514369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-32453032311967019462014-02-17T17:11:39.065-06:002014-02-17T17:11:39.065-06:00I absolutely love this post. It's so great to ...I absolutely love this post. It's so great to see you standing up for yourself and acknowledging that you're worthy of the help and love other people have to offer you.<br /><br />So much of what you've written here could be from a book about my life. I was raised in an environment where instead of a family, we had "The Team" and the team was only as strong as its weakest player (that would be me, of course). I was told from as early as I can remember that I'd never be smart enough to live on my own, that I should get plastic surgery to lessen/remove the scars on my abdomen or I'd never get married because nobody loves a girl with scars, that I was always going to be dependent on my parents because I just wasn't good enough, that if I didn't completely change who I was as a person, nobody would love me, etc. We also moved around a lot, so by 9th grade, I was in my 6th school in the 4th state we'd lived in and halfway through high school, I kind of took on a "Just screw it" attitude.<br /><br />I became a hermit. And I mean a serious hermit. I was bound and determined to prove my parents wrong. I didn't need them, I didn't need friends, I didn't need boyfriends. I would do EVERYTHING on my own.<br /><br />And for the last 15 years, that's what I've done. I took care of my brother and sister during my parents' divorce. I played cook and homework helper and chauffeur and bedtime story reader and maid and everything else. I put myself through college with exactly ZERO help from my parents. I did it not because I wanted to help my parents or because they expected me to do it, but because they told me every single day that I couldn't do it - I wasn't capable. So I proved them wrong.<br /><br />Except by taking it to that extreme, by pulling into myself and only myself, I've pretty much lost the ability to interact with other people. Moving around a lot didn't help either, I know. Because I kept losing friends with each move. Sure I can have conversations with coworkers and neighbors, but it never goes beyond general conversation. I don't know HOW to move the conversation beyond that point. I leave most conversations with people thinking what a fool I made of myself and how I really should just stop trying because I'm fully capable of being an entirely independent adult.<br /><br />But then I get lonely.<br /><br />So I'm in therapy. I'm doing individual therapy and a women's group and it's a slow, painfully slow process. But I think it's helping. I'm trying to branch out a bit. I'm in the process of joining a few meetup groups in the area and hopefully going on some hikes/nature walks once this two feet of snow melts.<br /><br />This is getting a heck of a lot longer than I intended. Sorry, I have a tendency to ramble.<br /><br />I'd just like to say that you are freaking amazing. It's wonderful to see what you've been able to accomplish. I think it gives the rest of us hope that the same can happen for us as well.<br /><br />Sending many hugs. :)afairytale84https://www.blogger.com/profile/03530192464441555381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-57595253953507738552014-02-17T15:28:22.887-06:002014-02-17T15:28:22.887-06:00You have it absolutely right. You are worthy of at...You have it absolutely right. You are worthy of attention and love; I am absolutely floored at how willing you are to not only stick up for yourself, but how you articulate it and how you manage to stay positive. <br /><br />Kudos. Andy Harrishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08270764425085086109noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-48286172149286285382014-02-17T14:36:37.942-06:002014-02-17T14:36:37.942-06:00:-) !!!:-) !!!Butterfly14noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-67960262480577398112014-02-17T07:49:06.037-06:002014-02-17T07:49:06.037-06:00I am so delighted to hear of your break through he...I am so delighted to hear of your break through here! It is so hard to let others help and give to us when we have never learned we are worth it. And it is equally wonderful that you have started to see that relationships need to be a two way street! It can not be a true friendship if one person does all the giving. <br />But I would give a small warning here....when I finally decided that I would not any longer be the person that did ALL the giving in my relationships, I let the pendulum swing too far the other way. THESE were the things I expected out of a friendship and if they weren't met then I was fine with letting the relationship die.It wasn't like I told people that but kept kind of a mental "notebook". And I never said to someone "you don't give what I need so I am done"...I just drifted away. I didn't allow for the fact that people express love in different ways, that others also are broken, that I also needed to show grace. I am sure I walked away from a few friendships that could have been really good. It took awhile before the pendulum swung back to center and I became a bit more moderate in my assessments. <br />Perhaps you will be more modulated in your relationships than I was but I guess what I am saying is go with your gut on people but still think carefully before you walk away.Mary Annehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08814636676077833766noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-40983437683946392712014-02-17T06:15:04.366-06:002014-02-17T06:15:04.366-06:00You are acknowledging it yourself that the relatio...You are acknowledging it yourself that the relationship is not working out any longer and you are trying to make it survive because you fear of being alone in a cruel world. <br /><br />In reality, this relationship is not giving you anything albeit some comfort or rather safety of not being alone... however, if he is coming home late and hiding messages from you, he is not seeing to that either, it is only just what he is representing that you are in love with.<br /><br />It will be a struggle but ultimately a well worth it one when you struggled enough to achieve what you deserve, nothing less. There is a life beyond a relationship and you should really think about being comfortable with yourself and your 'lonely' self as you called it before getting into another relationship. A healthy relationship is not when you depend on someone but when that same relationship complements your life. YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED!! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-32212706275785910262014-02-17T02:40:19.152-06:002014-02-17T02:40:19.152-06:00It is a blessing to be able to bear witness to you...It is a blessing to be able to bear witness to you coming into your own. It's like watching a caterpillar realize that it is, ultimately, a butterfly. <3vanessahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01490617339732484574noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4828879467490478491.post-1478594272079923962014-02-16T22:50:47.904-06:002014-02-16T22:50:47.904-06:00I have a question, and I don't think anyone ca...I have a question, and I don't think anyone can answer this better than you.<br /><br />I have been in a relationship for over a year now, and we have had so many challenges and ups and downs. I'm afraid I'm starting to see the relationship breaking down. It's like I'm trying to do all I can to stop it from falling, but I can't do enough. We're either stressed out because of bills or work, or we're just tired of the same routine. He's been coming home later and later every night, and I know something is up...I've seen hidden messages to other people.<br /><br />I wish that I had the self respect to be strong and stand on my own, but I'm in such a situation financially that I'm depending on this relationship to keep me from moving back in with family who have watched this spectacle for the past year.<br /><br />How can you handle being single? The fear of being alone is so crippling that I can't bring myself to leave. The world is such a scary place to be when you're struggling on your own. I know, because I was there at one point. I'm scared if this relationship doesn't work out, then it reflects on my future, and it reflects on what kind of relationships I will fall into later. I'm not getting any younger.<br /><br />And if I see him out someday with somebody new, how am I supposed to feel about that? The only answer I could think of would be to kill myself...I couldn't handle the thought. So how do I let go of the fear of ending up alone again? We put so much work into this, and it really took a lot out of me to open up and trust this guy...and if he cheats on me, what message does that send? How am I supposed to trust again?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com