Tuesday, December 10, 2013

From the Minds of the Dark and Twisted

So, I had the STRANGEST text conversation with a failed date the other day, and while I was looking through my phone to find the conversation so that I could write a blog about it, it became quite apparent that strange text conversations are not a new thing for me. So, because I have no problem letting all of you have a good laugh at my expense, welcome to Eden's phone, messages from the last ten days.
Did You Get The Picture?

7:26am Friend: Well, he’s definitely dead. I just woke up and he’s a goner! I thought we were going to have a happy life together L

7:45am Me: What are you talking about?

7:47am Friend: When I went to bed, he was lying on my pillow. Woke up this morning….dead.

7:46am Me: What the fuck are you talking about. Seriously.

7:47am Friend: I was so tired last night, I didn’t even wake up! Now he is dead L Poor guy, he was so cute.

7:48am Me: I’m not even kidding, you had better not be messing with me right now. How do you know he is dead?

7:49am Friend: Cuz he is smashed and kinda deflated.  His neck was like totally twisted, so I tried to straighten it out, but his head about near popped off. Why do you even care? He wasn’t yours.

7:50am Friend: He is all nasty, I don’t even want to haul him out to the trash.

7:51am Me: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!?
              7:52am Me: No, don’t tell me. Do not tell me a thing! Don’t touch anything! Call the police! No, call an attorney first. Hell I don’t know, call someone that is not me, and don’t touch anything! And don’t talk to the police! Just call them and don’t answer anything!
7:53am Friend: I am beginning to think you did not get the picture I sent you. I was so tired when I got home,  I accidentally carried that tinfoil duck from the restaurant into my bedroom, so I just threw him on the bed while I changed my clothes, and must have crashed right out. I woke up and he was all smashed and rice was everywhere…..

7:54am Me: I seriously hate you. I thought you were talking about that guy you took home with you. Go to hell.

We Just Need Each other

11:37am Friend: I'm so lonely. We need boyfriends.

11:39 Me: We don't need boyfriends, we just need escorts.

11:40 Me: Ha! That was supposed to say "each other," not escorts!!

11:41 Me: But I guess either works

11:43 Her: I am absolutely dying over here.

I’m Not Your Girlfriend

9:46pm Friend: Hey babe, what ya doin?

9:52 Me: Just working out. You?

9:53 Him: Sittin here. Can you send me a pic of your boobs?

9:57 Me: No.

9:59 Him: Why?

10:00 Me: Cuz this bitch ain’t free. Ya gotta feed her first.

10:02 Him: Want to go out to dinner?

10:03 Me. No.

10:04 Him: Well then that was a stupid answer.

10:06 Me: Stupid questions receive stupid answers.

10:07 Him: Well you aren’t any fun. Come on!!!

10:10 Me: I’m not helping you get off. That’s why there is a whole  world wide web full of free porn. Free as in available to you at no cost, porn as in people with boobies who actually want you to get off to them. Check that out.

10:12 Him: I can’t. My laptop is from work and I have a work phone.

10:20 Me: Sounds like a personal problem.

10:23 Him: You suck.

10:24 Me: Quite well from what I’ve been told. I believe the term “best ever” has been uttered more than once.

10:25 Him: You’re killing me.

10:26 Me: And I’m having so much fun doing it.

10:27 Him: Come on, just one pic!

10:29 Me: This is the only pic you will ever be getting. One free sample per customer. Now go away.

10:31 Him: That’s less then you see at the gym!

10:32 Me: Then join a gym.

10:33 Him: Come on, you used to send yxyxyxy pictures. He never let me see them, but I know he got them!

10:36 Me: I was his girlfriend

10:37 Him: Want to be my girlfriend?

10:38 Me: No.

10:39 Him: Why not?

10:40 Me: You nag me too much.

10:42 Him: You are evil.

10:43 Me: At least I’m hot.
10:45 Him: Does this change your mind?
10:50 Me: I'm going to bed, goodnight!
10:53 Him: Not even a little?
10:56 Him: Babe?
11:15 Him: Can I come over?
11:25 Him: Seriously, can I come over?
12:00 Him: Want a massage?
1:23 Him: Baby? I'm loney.
1:45 Him: Eden? Can I please come over?
3:00 Him: Babe, I'm gonna come over, will you let me in?
6:30 Him: Hey, what happened to you last night??
7:25 Him: I hope you have a great day at work Eden, cuz you are awesome!!!
9:00 Him: Smile baby!!
9:45 Him: Did you sleep well?
10:00 Him: Am I bothering you??
11:23 Him: I'm bothering you, aren't I?
1:00 Him: I'm sorry, you just drive me crazy, I don't know what it is about you, I can't stop fantasizing about you.
2:34 Him: You get me so turned on.
3:02 Him: You busy?
3:31 Him: I hope you are having a great day!

Green Puff Puff

9:25 Her: We are pre-celebrating my BD!!!! Nacho’s and wine!

9:26 Me: That’s odd, that’s exactly what I had.

9:30 Her: We topped it off with a little green puff puff.

9:31 Me: ?

9:32 Me: Oh wait. I get it now. Lol

9:34  Her: Have you ever?

9:24 Me: Nope.

9:26 Her: OH MY GOSH WE ARE SO DOING THAT WHEN YOU COME OVER!!!!!

9:30 Me: I dunno about that girl.

9:31  Her: You would love it! Wait, have you ever even smoked a cigarette? It might burn your throat then.

9:32 Me: Nope.

9:33 Her: I should have figured when they asked you to light the fire pit last weekend and you couldn’t figure out how to use the lighter.

9:34 Me: Haha! That was pretty funny. In my defense, there were no instructions on it.

9:35  Me: You know, my neighbor asked me over the summer if I’d ever smoked weed, and I told her no, and she said I had to try it, and then asked me if I wanted to try anything harder. My jaw about hit the floor, I was like “Who are you, and no thank you.”

9:36 Her: You gotta make sure it’s clean, it can be laced with some really nasty stuff. I know a guy.

9:37  Me: Yea, I know a guy too. I WAS MARRIED TO HIM. Thanks, but I will stick to my alcohol and candy bars thank you!

9:38 Her: We could “make” you candy bars.

9:41 Me: Touch my candy, and I will kill you.

(The next morning )6:41am Me: Happy Birthday Evil Twin!! May your day be filled with low scale numbers, never ending wine, unlaced green puff puff, an uncommonly calm mother in law, a quiet child, scabies for the annoying roommate, and the firing of a certain bitch employee.

6:57 Her: LMAO!!! You are awesome!!!

6:59 Me: I try

7:00 Her: He told me last night he started packing her crap up and he hasn’t even told her that she is moving out yet.

7:02 Me: Guadalajara! Happy birthday to you!!

7:03 Me: That was supposed to say “hahahaha”

7:03 Me: That’s going to be my new thing. Anytime something is funny, I’m going to tell Guadalajara

7:04 Me: Yell. Not tell.

7:04 Me: I’m an autocorrect Fail Your this morning.

7:04 Me: I give up.

7:05 Her: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

7:06 Me: :/

7:08 Her: I love autocorrect. It keeps things interesting.

7:09 Me: I always used to say Bahahaha, but it would change it to Bahamas.

7:10 Her: LMAO

7:12 Her: Then at 12:01 he told me happy bd and then I got some bow chicka wow wow and snuggling all morning and then he sang happy birthday to me.

7:14 Me: Now that’s what I call being “thrust” into your 31st bd.

7:14 Her: LMMFAO

7:15  Me: And this is why you keep me around. Because I’m so funny and a constant source of entertainment.

7:16 Her: Duh.

7:17 Me: And this is why I love you evil twin.

7:18  Me: Guadalajara!!

7:19 Her: I freaking love you too evil twin.

Guy Labels

6:25 Me: Does this look ok? I’m going to some fancy shmancy restaurant.


6:30 Her: Super hot. So, who is your date tonight? I seriously cannot keep your boys straight.

6:32 Me: Its xyxyxyxy.

6:33 Her: Is that the guy you went to the comedy club with?

6:35 Me: No, that guy was like two boys ago.

6:36 Her: You are absolutely insane. Do you want a relationship with this guy?

6:38 Me: Negative.

6:39 Do you tell them you aren’t interested?

6:39 Me: Definitely.

6:41 Her: And they still want to go out?

6:42 Me: Apparently so.

6:42 Her: You have more rebounds than anyone I have ever met.

6:45 Me: He isn’t a rebound. He is my layover guy. A rebound is someone you fall into when you get out of a relationship, and you think it might work out. A layover guy is a short lived guy who just keeps you busy until you get to an actual destination that you want to stay and visit.

6:48 Her: LMAO Did you just make that up?

6:49 Me: Yes I did.

6:50 Her: That is awesome. So are you going to let him service you tonight?

6:53 Me: Not a chance in hell. This is a layover. You never mingle with the locals on a layover.

6:55 Her: Oh come on, have some fun. Get it done girl!

6:57 Me: No way. One minute you’re on a layover, and the next you are having a baby in some small local hospital or visiting the town’s STD center. I’m just here to see the sights.

6:59 Her: Ride some of the rides in town. Really immerse yourself in the culture and all it has to offer. So what do you call a boy that you just get together with for “fun?" Friends with benefits?

7:05 Me: Depends. If you are friends with him, then yea. If he is purely a booty call and you just want to play with him, then I’d call that a playdate.

7:06 Her: That’s awesome.

7:08 Me: I think there might be something very, very, wrong with both of us.

I Almost Got His Number

5:45pm Him: So I saw this guy, and he was TOTALLY your type. He had GREAT teeth, was tall, had a lip ring, eyebrow ring, and just the right amount of tattoo’s. Want me to get his number?

5:46 Me: I’m trying to be a good girl and stay away from the bad boys L

5:58 Him: How is that working out for you.

6:00 Me: I keep breaking up with the suit and tie guys. They bore me. I need an intervention. Stat. Send help. And bring that guy along with you.

6:01 Him: I’m on it.

6:02 Me: I’ll be naked in the bedroom when he gets here. Send him up.

6:04 Him: I fucking love you.

6:05 Me: Bring whipped cream.

6:07 Him: Got ya covered babe.

This Was A One Time Courtesy

10:02 Me: Hey, did you move your vacuum bags? I can’t find them.

10:15 Client: Oh shoot! I’m all out! I can’t believe I forgot. Shoot!!! You could try to use the Dyson, but the handle is broken so you can’t really push it.

10:17 Me: Don’t worry, I got it covered. I used the hose from the Dyson to suck everything out of the vacuum bag, and then I put it back in the other vacuum.

10:18 Client: I can’t believe you did that. That’s so gross.

10:19 Me: Yea, it was definitely grosser then I was initially anticipating.

10:20 Client: You rock.

10:21 Me: This was a one time courtesy sister. I’m not going to start recycling vacuum bags for you.

10:23 Client: I wouldn’t expect you too.

10:24 Me: You know I’m being sarcastic, right?

10:27 Client: Of course I do. I’ve met you.

 Well This Is Awkward

2:57 Me: I have some good news for you!!

3:48 Her: What!?

4:10 Me: You know that guy and that chick that joined a few of our dance classes? They were scouts!!! I am holding here in my hand, a job offer contract for both of us to teach at xyxyxy studio in the city.

4:12 Her: NO WAY!!!!!! What does it say? DETAILS WOMAN!!!!

4:14 Me: Its a pretty good contract, I'll scan and email it over. It’s too far for me, and most of the classes are at night and on the weekends.

4:16 Her: Get over your city fear and learn to drive on the highway

4:17 Me: I’m not afraid of the city. As long as I have a large male companion with me.

4:18 Her: Why are you scared of the highway?

4:19 Me: I’m not scared of the highway. I just don’t get it. Like what if you miss your exit, how do you turn around? And what’s with the whole “Hi, this is your lane, now it’s someone else’s lane, move your ass over, and SURPRISE WE ARE MERGING, and WHERE DID MY LANE GO?" Help. Come on the highway with me and teach me.

4:20 Her: If I teach you, will you go into the city?

4:22 Me: Baby steps here sista. The city is full of crazy people. Last time I was there, I took the bus, sat in the very front seat, and the door to the bus FELL OFF. WHILE WE WERE DRIVING. Then, we get there, and some fake homeless guy like sorta mugs us.

4:24 Her: How do you get “sorta mugged?”

4:25 Me: He asked for money, and I said I didn’t have any. So he said ‘Well I see that you have a purse so I bet you have money in there!” And I said I didn’t so he started yelling and told me to give
him my purse and my friend told him to leave us alone and he started screaming at us and jabbing a fork at us.


4:28 Her: A fake homeless guy pulled a fork on you.
4:30 Me: We were at some cafeteria at xyxyxy. And then he picked up a chair and threw it at us! French fries were smashed everywhere! It was very traumatic lol.

4:35 Her: So you won’t go to the city anymore bc some fake homeless guy pulled a fork on you, there was a flying chair, and innocent French fries were harmed.

4:44 Me: Go to hell.

4:46 Her: Just making sure I have my story straight.

4:50 Me: So back on topic, you going to take the teaching job? You totally should, you would be GREAT at it!!! They would be so lucky to have you!!! I'm not, the schedule just doesn't work for me, but I'm debating dancing with them.

4:52 Her: We got in the group?? You didn’t say anything about us making the group!

4:53 Me: Oh..... Well this is awkward….

4:54 Her: Wait. Just you got on!? What the hell!? I could dance circles around you any day!!!

4:56 Me: Apparently not.

4:57 Her: That was mean.

4:58 Me: You were mean first.

4:59 Her: I’m going to show up at your first practice, pull a fork on you, throw some chairs, and smash a few French fries to scare the shit out of you so you never come back. Wha la, open spot on the team for me!!!

5:02 Me: Not if on your way in, the door to the bus falls off and you are tragically sucked out and into oncoming traffic.

5:03 Her: That’s unlikely.

5:04 Me: But possible.

 And there you have it people. Proof that I am just as weird in real life as I am on this blog.

10 comments:

  1. Hon do you really think it is only you? I am miles and miles away (in Egypt) and life can be that crazy all the time! Please stop feeling that you attract disasters! The only different trait you have is that you are honest and sincere whereas the rest hide everything!!!!!! So be proud and go girl!

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    1. Aw, thank you!! Egypt!? That is awesome!!!!

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  2. Hi :)

    Found your blog today through xojane - loving every post (started at the beginning and am up to this post). You and your story are amazing. If there is anything you need you should never hesitate to ask here.

    One tiny thing though - noticed this post includes your first name a few times. I know you've been careful about anonymity so I just want to make sure you know.

    Keep writing! You're an inspiration. And seriously - let us know if you need anything. We might not know you personally but we are all your sisters and we will all be there for you in any way we can. xx

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment!! It makes me happy to hear that you are enjoying the blog posts :) My pen name is Eden Strong :) "Eden" for a once perfect happy place, like the garden of Eden, and Strong, meaning "able to withstand great force or pressure without breaking." It is not my real name :) Although I have nothing to hide, a lot of my life is intertwined with the lives of my children, and in their own time, when they are ready, it will be their story to share. I didn't want them to get into school and for people to know personal details about their lives. Thank you SO much for your concern though, I love knowing you care :) I hope to "see" you around here often!!

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  3. You are hilarious! How are you not writing for television??

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    1. Haha, well if you know anyone who has an "in," send them my way!

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  4. Ahahaha ms. Awesome you are certainly the best thing ever! Except when you complain about the weather....its -40 in Montreal right now hun.... :p

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    1. -40!!?? The wind chill here is -45 right now, I think the actual temp is -20 with 40 mile an hour winds, and over a foot of snow from last night. UGH!! I couldn't imagine it actually being -40. YIKES!!

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  5. I found your blog by happenstance. If i could take your survivor dance class I would in a heartbeat. My innocence stealing episodes kinda turned my marriage on it's head (20 years later).
    After being cheated on I did the cheating to do a bunch if pain payback, only to find out that it turned into more I want to be the meat wanter instead the wanted meat. Really I just wanted to control the dark secrets of the dark dark night.
    I'm lucky in that my husban understands this and we both projected our horrible innocence stealing dark dark childhoods on to each other.
    anyway I'm running on and on, when really, I just want to say thank you. Thank you gor writing for sharing yourself with people. Thank you choosing to see the good, even in horrible people. Thank you for loving yourself and teaching your babies You have to love yourself.
    You should also published a book, you are an amazing writer.

    I'm only signing thus as anonymous because it won't let me sign with an account I actually have

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    Replies
    1. It sounds like you have had a rough road :( How are you doing now?

      I'm glad you found your way here! And thank you for all your compliments, you are too kind :)

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