And This Is How I Accidentally Slept With A Naked Homeless Guy On Drugs

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If only we had known what was hiding under the lights, of The Ellison Suites Hotel, maybe none of this would have happened.

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Have you ever had something happen in your life, that is just so far out of the "normal" category, that it doesn't even seem real?

I'm speechless, and that's really saying something, if you know me.

In fact when it was happening, I kept saying how this was going to be the best blog ever, but now that I'm trying to actually write about it... I've been staring at my computer for the past three days and the only words that keep coming to my mind are "What. The. F."

Since I don't even know where to start, I guess I'll start back at the beginning, when Mr. Attorney Man and I had to fly to LA for some business. I had a few meetings to attend that he didn't need to be at, so for the first few days, we spent much of our time apart. But, because his (super fun) wife had traveled with him, we decided to check out of the swanky hotel I had stayed at for my meetings, and stay an extra day in a hotel that Mr. Attorney Man had found, by the beach.

A hotel that I looked up online, and promptly decided I wasn't staying in. 

"Um, this place looks scary" I hinted.

Living At The Hyatt

So, I now live at the Hyatt.

Like... I'm not just staying here for a bit, I live here.

My family lives at the Hyatt.

It Was An Accident, I Swear

OK. So something happened today.

You see, when the baby was born, he had kind of a folded ear. He must have been laying on it in the womb or something. No biggie, the ENT just taped it down for a few weeks. The worst part of it was that he needed to have a bit of his hair shaved off so that the tape would stick.

Anyway, the ear was fixed and the tape came off, but now he had a patch of hair missing, that just looked strange.

Sex, Diagrams, And A Cheesecake

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In case you didn't pick up on this from my last post, I am very, very, extremely ready to have this baby. Even more now, since I dislocated my hip (stupid genetic disorder) not long after hitting "publish" on the last post, and it's really difficult to heal a hip with all this extra baby weight pressing on it.

Awesomeness.

And my poor husband, well let's just say that the man should get some kind of medal, or nomination for sainthood, because I think that the wife he married and loves, has recently been replaced by a ball of weeping, eating, complaining, hormones.

I'm the green, and my saint of a husband is the gray, texting from his place of work.

It Was All Fun And Games, Until His Tooth Was Pulled Out

So we've had a bit of a milestone around here: The Boy Child lost his first tooth!

About a week ago, he suddenly announced that he was no longer going to brush his teeth, because the dentist had told him to "brush the teeth you want to keep," and he wanted them to fall out.

While I couldn't argue with his logic in that, I reminded him of two things. One, being that even though the other kids in his class are losing their teeth, he is nearly a year younger than most of them. And second, the Tooth Fairy doesn't take rotten teeth.

He wasn't satisfied with either answer, which is why I was pretty happy when several days later he came home with his first loose tooth.

And it wasn't just a little loose, it was already dangling.

How did that happen so fast!?

Convinced that he wanted it out THAT NIGHT, he asked The Guy to pull it out for him. And although he was brave and didn't cry, I couldn't help but laugh at the facial expressions I captured as he progressed through the realization of what having a tooth pulled out, actually entails.

Seven Minion Clowns, A Unicorn, And A Very Smashed Windshield

Yikes, it has been a while since my last post, and just like my house, I've missed this place! After spending the last, nearly two weeks, out of town, we finally got home yesterday.

I'm slightly proud of that picture, that I took from the plane, but I'm not nearly as proud of that one as I am of the one I took in the airport, because What. The. Hell ??

Have enough people really tried to bring chainsaws and generators onto an airplane as their carry-on item, that we now need a sign at the luggage check-in, reminding people that they can't bring gas cans and matches to their assigned seats?

I fear for humanity.

But anyway, even before that, The Guy, and I spent Thanksgiving in St. Louis. We didn't really have a reason for going there, other than we really didn't have a reason not to go there either.

And all of that, brings me to this post.

It all started several months ago, when I saw an ad for the St. Louis Union Station Hotel. Have you guys seen that place before?

Wow.

That Time I Possibly, Accidentally, Went To A Happy Endings Massage Parlor... And Got Beat Up.

Photo Credit Giphy.com

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Not long ago, I found myself with a Groupon credit that was about to expire, and with it, I wanted to find an experience that I could treat Frisbee Boy's Mom (aka my surrogate mom) to, since she does so much for me.

After ruling out pregnant skydiving and deciding against getting vajazzled (an idea that she did not immediately turn down), I came across a foot massage advertisement. Now typically, because of the loose joints that my genetic condition gives me, I don't enjoy massages. I tried to explain to The Guy once when he talked me into getting a couple’s massage with him.

Ask him about it.

No seriously.

For some reason I agreed to go with him, and I found myself in a spa much fancier than is acceptable for my class of human. The Guy was lying on a massage table over on his side of the room, making relaxed, groany sex noises, and I was over on my side whimpering in pain.

My massage ended when the masseuse dislocated my rib and I burst into tears.

So when I saw via Groupon that getting just a foot only massage was an option, I figured I’d give it a whirl!

That is, until I really took a look at the wording of the advertisement; “where you come to have all your tensions, of every kind, released, as we hit just the right spot. No one leaves until they have been completely satisfied in every way."

Hum. Now I'm not always the brightest crayon in the box, but even I began to question what goes on there…

Photo Credit Giphy.com

But then I found another place that looked more legit, so I bought two sessions, and that is where this story really starts to get weird.

A couple weeks later, Frisbee Boy's Mom and I showed up bright and early to have our feet massaged. I was immediately surprised and impressed at how authentically Asian the decor of the place was. From the detailed wall hangings to the ornate furniture, it felt like I had just walked in off the streets of China.

I was a little disappointed when I was told that being pregnant, they would not be able to massage the bottoms of my feet due to the risk of inducing labor, but I didn't want to complain so I kept my mouth shut and pretended that I was totally fine booking a massage to have the tops of my feet rubbed.

Because that's totally the type of foot rub people enjoy. The boney part.

So, Our House Flooded

So, our house flooded.

And, it wasn't a tiny flood.

We are now living in a hotel.

Yep, and we've been here for a week already.

Thanks Boy Child.

I wasn't home when the flood occurred. I got a call from our babysitter saying that something had happened to the toilet on the third floor, and water was now dripping from the second floor ceiling. She said the water had stopped, she had wiped up the bathroom floor, and she put a pot under the leak in the ceiling.

Figuring that I'd need to open the drywall a bit and let it air out before I patched it, I wasn't too worried, but let's just say that some water dripping from the ceiling was the least of my worries once I got home.

Water, was EVERYWHERE.

This Is A True Story And The Cop Is Real

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Right before The Girl Child's extended hospital vacation, I traveled to Florida with The Guy and the kids for something.

In typical Strong family style, we decided to make everything a little more dramatic than it actually needed to be, and took a plane ride with the most turbulence that I have ever experienced in my life.

Seriously, this was no joke. It was so bad that after we took off, they canceled all flights out of the airports in our path, with routes that were heading in the same direction as us. Even the flight attendants spent virtually the entire flight seated, and The Boy Child, well, he vomited everywhere.

Repeatedly.

I Guess I'm Going To Trial (With A Complete Psycho)

Remember my blog post about the woman who rear ended my car, and then drove away? If you do remember, you’ll also remember that I was able to catch up to her at a stoplight, and snap a photo of her license plate. Then I pulled up beside her, honked, motioned for her to pull over, and she basically laughed, flipped me off, and drove away.

#RUDE

Because chasing her down the street and I dunno, running her off the road or something, seemed like a bad idea, I pulled over and called the police. The police looked at the photo I had taken of her and the damage done to my car, and actually took the time to track her down. When they found her and pointed out the damage to her car, she admitted that she had hit me. She was then charged her with several things, including a hit-and-run.

If you don’t remember that post, well that was basically the entire story so consider yourself caught up.

Photo Courtesy of Giphy.com

Anyway, thankfully she had insurance, and her insurance company assumed full liability and paid to fix the damage on my car. I thought that since the police had found her, she had admitted to the crime, and her insurance had paid for the damages, that all was said and done.

I was wrong.

Because really now, can anything ever be that easy?

He Could Have Killed Me (But Thankfully He Didn't, So Here's A Funny Story)

“There is absolutely no way that all these cars are here for voting,” I thought to myself as I tried to pull into the parking lot of my local polling station. Cars were lined up and down the streets, and when I say that “I tried to pull into the parking lot,” I mean that I tried, and really couldn’t, because someone had parked their mini van IN the one-way entrance to the building.

Photo Credit Courtesy of Giphy.com

I was so annoyed by this person’s obvious lack of respect for anyone but themselves, that I actually thought about keying their van.

Thankfully I am not crazy, nor a criminal, so I did not.

I did however, stand for TWO HOURS in the early voting line, and spent much of my time watching car after car attempt to pull into the lot, only to be blocked by the majesty’s royal carriage. Finally, a city employee came up and began asking if anyone in line owned the silver dodge caravan that was parked in the entrance.

A woman, who was at the absolute front of the line, began to ask a series of suspicious questions.

...And Then A Squirrel Pooped On My Face

I'm not sure how many of you were around a few years ago, but back in 2014 I shared my horrific ridiculous tale of attempting to visit several pumpkin farms, with the goal of snapping the perfect fall photo of my kids.

#BackWhenIHadGoals

#BackWhenMyGoalsWereStupid

But if you do remember, it didn't go well.

AT ALL.

Unless of course by "going well," you mean needing to pry a bee out of the Platonic Husband's hair with a stick, nearly being run over by a horse, the kids falling into a burr bush, possible poison ivy, and a corn maze that involved a near rescue effort and the abandonment of clothing.

I lean towards the understanding that when you consider all of that, it means that it did not go well.

#TrustMeOnThis

#IWasThere

#IWishIHadn'tBeenThere

But two years later, the insanity crisp fall air began to set in and I had mostly forgotten about that near death experience adventure filled trip to the pumpkin farm, and I had a thought that sounded something like this: "Hey, wouldn't it be great to get some fall pictures of the kids at a pumpkin farm?"

#SomeoneStopMe

#NoOneDid

And thus I found myself trekking out to the pumpkin farm with my Platonic Hubby, (and her hubby, and my guy, and all our kids) so that we could take the world's most adorable pictures of our kids.

#UnrealisticExpectations

Yea, I Totally Eavesdrop

As most of you know, I have a rare genetic disorder that causes me to have to be on a very specific medical diet. Every couple months I have to get a blood test that measures markers in my blood that tell my doctors if I'm ingesting gluten. Because I don't have any immediate reactions or digestive symptoms to eating gluten, I really have no way of knowing if I'm getting "glutened" by something until a major problem arises (remember how sick The Boy Child suddenly got?), which I would obviously like to avoid.

I've gotten a bunch of emails recently asking me (and Mr. Attorney Man actually asked me the same thing not long ago), "if you eat gluten, does it eventually filter out of your system?"

Doesn't Everyone Dress Inappropriately And Then Watch A Strange Man Pee?

Saturday night I was afforded a really nice opportunity to be a guest at a charity gala. Back in October one of my board members had introduced me to a man (and I am throwing in there that this man is probably in his late 40’s and happily married, just because you all tend to think I should date every nice man in my life) that has a lot of ties to the not-for-profit community, politicians, and benefactors. I originally met him for breakfast to sort of fill him in on my ideas and gather some advice from him. He loved the not-for-profit idea, flat out told me that he loved me, told me that once he said that out loud it sounded a lot creepier than it did in his head, tried to back track, and then said “Oh forget it. I love you and I love your energy. I want to take you home to meet my wife and show you off to my friends.” It was appreciated, if not a little odd. That breakfast was followed up by an email saying basically the same thing, and asking if he could set up a few more meetings for me.

Fast forward to today. This guy has been amazing. He is setting me up with contacts left and right. Two weeks ago he catered a breakfast for me. FOR ME people. This stuff does not happen to me. I get to his office and he has the whole thing set up. He even had gluten free food brought in for me, and the attendee’s are all local not-for-profit founders. When we get up from the conference table to eat, he tells everyone that the guest of honor should go first, and I turn about five shades of “I am absolutely dying” red. The breakfast was a huge success in the fact that I left with even more contacts and more meetings set up.

This Table Seat No Less Than 16 people, Easily 24

A few days later he emails me and tells me that he took the liberty of ordering me some business cards, which neato, was super nice of him.

And still, Only Me. Part 2

Remember the last "Only Me" post? Well this week has been full of serious posts and heavy topics, so I wanted to lighten up the mood a bit. So, for your reading pleasure, a few more things that would totally only happen to me. Happy to have you laugh at my expense, just to bring a smile to your face.

You're welcome.

The People Of Walmart

So I'm in line at the store the other day, and I am sort of just half listening to the two girls behind me talking. One girl is saying to the other girl, "yea, that's what happens to my earrings because my ears were unevenly pierced. They said they would even out when I grow up."  I sort of want to turn around and ask her "How is that going to happen kid? Are your ears going to start growing unevenly as you get older? Because if the piercings "even out," now you might have the bigger problem now of uneven ears." But, I restrain and instead continue to half eavesdrop on their conversation.

Only Me

Things that make me shake my head and say "Only Me."

Ok, so it’s time to update all of you on the strange and bizarre in life that is me. Fun times. I often sit back and wonder if I am heaven’s comedy reel. Like seriously, how does all this weird stuff happen to me??

A few days ago I was at the grocery store, and I was trying to reach the yogurt, but it was on the top shelf in the cooler, which I am too short to reach. 

Normally, I’ll just ask someone taller who is in the general area, or more often, when no one is around, like that day, I’ll just climb on the first or second shelf. But that day, the situation looked…questionable. It was in the cooler section behind the glass doors, and the first shelf looked slightly unstable. So, I decided, “you know what, I don’t really need yogurt, cuz I don’t really need a broken face.” I turn around to leave, and some 987 year old woman says to me, I kid you not, “Sweetie, can you reach some yogurt for me?”  Well, gee grandma, I can’t say no to you, of course I will. 

So, I climb on the first shelf, and the ENTIRE SHELVING SYSTEM rolls back like four inches, and the door CLOSES BEHIND ME. Then I hear it. That “Vrooooom” sound of the cooler re-cooling. Which apparently creates suction. BECAUSE THE DOOR WON’T OPEN. I am COMPLETELY in the cooler, holding onto the shelving system, standing on the second shelf, facing it, with my ass pressed against the suctioned shut door, and I’m stuck. Literally, there is no wiggle room. AND WHERE THE HELL IS GRANDMA?? I am actually stuck IN the yogurt cooler at the grocery store. 

Well this is certainly a high point in my day. Finally the vrooming stops and the door is able to be pushed open WITH MY ASS, and I climb out. There are like five people standing there starting at me. It’s like I'm the freaking bimbo display at the zoo. And grandma? No where to be found. Well this is just great.