Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Another Round Of "Why On Earth Would I Buy That?"

I had so much fun writing the "Why On Earth Would I Buy That?" post during Christmas, that I decided to do another one. Are you guys OK with that? I just feel like I come across so many strange things for sale, that I really want the rest of you to agree laugh with me that you would never buy that are unsure of its purpose.

Like this for example

I mean... really? REALLY? Because when I see this toilet, I see two things in your future: A divorce, or a codependency diagnosis.

Seriously, don't get your wife a double toilet, get her the most romantic card that you can find, like this one that I saw on sale last Valentine's Day:

I really just have one issue with this card: Everyone knows that "shiv" is a noun and the verb should have been "to shank."

Don't get me this card mkay? The grammar would kill me.

I'm just sayin', if you're going to sell something, use your words to come up with the best sales pitch that you can think of, like this person that I saw selling a basket on a local sales site:

He's right. With all those possibilities, how could you not want to buy his ginormous basket?

And if he hasn't sold you, or the price was too high ($999 was a bit steep), maybe this lady will because her sales pitch, if anything else, is unique.

You had better hurry, there's only seven nasty ass drinks left!

But don't worry, if you happen to miss out on the free drinks, I have something that will still brighten your day! Do you hate washing dishes?

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

You Deserve Better Than Settling

“What you want, and what you are willing to do to get it, are drastically different things. You need to decide if you are simply just wanting, or if you are really, truly, willing. Because you can say all day long that you want something, or that you want to make a change, but unless you are willing — right now in this moment — to take the steps that are necessary for that change, then you are forever going to be left simply ‘wanting’.”

My nonprofit has such a long waiting list of clients right now, that they far exceed the services that we have available. So for now, a lot of our clients are meeting with me in what I’m calling “support sessions,” since I can’t legally counsel anyone (and they know that I’m not a licensed counselor, it’s fully disclosed, and they meet with me at their own risk). But it was last week in the middle of a session, when I found myself telling a client that they need to choose "willing" over simply just "wanting," when the hypocrisy of my words hit me in the face so hard that I was barely able to finish the session with her.

I am a hypocrite.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

I'm So Angry!

Last week I was sitting in a left turn lane when a car attempted to pull out of a right-turn-only business exit, and make a left turn.

She didn’t make it.

She hit the back of my car, backed up, made a u-turn, and drove away. By the grace of God there were no other cars around, so I was able to make a legal u-turn and follow her to where she got stuck in traffic at a red light.

After snapping a picture of her license plate, I pulled into the lane next to her, beeped the horn, and motioned for her to pull over.

She laughed, basically flipped me off, and sped away.

Not wanting to kill myself while entering a high-speed chase down a very busy road, and unsure of what I would even do if I caught up with her (is it legal to run people off the road? I’m thinking probably not…), I simply pulled into the next business parking lot that I came across, and called the police.

The 911 dispatcher was all over it from the second she answered the phone. “What color was the SUV? Which direction was she traveling? What was the license plate number?” and within minutes an officer had pulled up next to me in the parking lot.

For the first time, I got out of the car to survey the damage she had done to my care, and I’m embarrassed to admit, it wasn’t much.

Whomp whomp.