Facebook Continues To Remind Me That My Kids Are Weird

(I'm going to apologize ahead of time, for some reason screenshots appear a bit fuzzy when you read them via an email subscription. You may want to click the title link at the top of the email and read it directly from the blog if you are having that problem. Sorry!)

Do you remember the post where I told you that "I Learned My Kids Were Weird From Facebook?"

Well a peek at my most recent facebook statuses has alerted me to the fact that not much has changed! My kids are still just as strange and my Facebook page will continue to be the vault that reminds me of that fact. Now that I'm reading over my status updates, does anyone want to adopt The Boy Child?

Another Look Inside My Phone

I was clearing out the texts and emails on my phone the other day and I realized that it had been a while since I had given you a peek in here, so eh, why not? 

For some reason none of my computer editing software allows me to crop screen shots so please excuse the haphazard sloppy pics, it was the best I could do unless I cropped them all on my phone and quite frankly, I don't have that much time, especially when I've been busy dealing with things like this:

Speaking of problems, let's talk about autocorrect problems. #itsarealthing

I'm the ugly peach color speech bubbles!

Sometimes though, I can't even blame autocorrect for the stupid shit I say. For example, I try and message each of my nonprofit board members every couple of weeks just to tell them that I hope they have a great day. Well this particular board member texted back saying thank you and that I was "incredible." Here is my total failure in replying back.

An Entire Relationship From Beginning To End, In Text Messages!

**In this new kind of post, the majority of it will take place in text messages. If it seems a bit choppy, look at the time stamp on the messages because it may not have been a series of conversations. I tried to put asterisks where I could in order to separate them.**

A couple months ago a well meaning friend gave my phone number to a guy she thought I should date. She showed him a picture of me, gave him my number, and the guy came at the whole idea with gusto.

It was a bit intense. 

After my attempts to ignore him failed, I finally responded that yes, he could call me, and thus started the beginning of our "relationship," which I am about to let you view through a series of text messages.

To start you off, we are at the point where I finally agreed to talk to him on the phone. We talked on the phone after the 9:11pm text and during that (phone) conversation I told him about my awful 1st (and last) dates with "1 percentor" and Sparkles, the head massager. After the phone conversation we pick up talking again via text.

Please note that I am the peach speech bubble.

Your Text Messages Are Whacked

You all can thank Mr. Attorney Man for this post. He sent me a text the other day that said "this has been a strange round of texts today" and it caused me to pause and think "hum....well....this is actually pretty typical for me."

Now to be fair, I was kind of just messing with him. You see I had a copy of an article he wanted about our nonprofit and I was going to frame it and give it to him for his office, but....why just be nice when you have the opportunity to screw with someone a little bit first? See what I'm sayin'? So I decided that I was going to possibly lead him to the conclusion that I was getting him a stress relieving office rodent. He never caught on.....

Represent

I never delete the text messages from my phone. I'm not sure why, I just don't. The other day I was waiting to go into a meeting and I was sort of just scrolling through my old text messages and I started thinking about how weird I am.

Seriously, who talks like this with their friends?

My friend told me my son needed a brother and then apparently offered up her husband. I hope you all can tell I was joking.

Sometimes you are reminded of some of your more scandalous days

Sometimes you have absolutely no idea what you were talking about

Sometimes you have no idea what other people were talking about

From the Minds of the Dark and Twisted

So, I had the STRANGEST text conversation with a failed date the other day, and while I was looking through my phone to find the conversation so that I could write a blog about it, it became quite apparent that strange text conversations are not a new thing for me. So, because I have no problem letting all of you have a good laugh at my expense, welcome to Eden's phone, messages from the last ten days.

Did You Get The Picture?

7:26am Friend: Well, he’s definitely dead. I just woke up and he’s a goner! I thought we were going to have a happy life together L

7:45am Me: What are you talking about?

7:47am Friend: When I went to bed, he was lying on my pillow. Woke up this morning….dead.

7:46am Me: What the fuck are you talking about. Seriously.

7:47am Friend: I was so tired last night, I didn’t even wake up! Now he is dead L Poor guy, he was so cute.

7:48am Me: I’m not even kidding, you had better not be messing with me right now. How do you know he is dead?

7:49am Friend: Cuz he is smashed and kinda deflated.  His neck was like totally twisted, so I tried to straighten it out, but his head about near popped off. Why do you even care? He wasn’t yours.

7:50am Friend: He is all nasty, I don’t even want to haul him out to the trash.

7:51am Me: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!?

              7:52am Me: No, don’t tell me. Do not tell me a thing! Don’t touch anything! Call the police! No, call an attorney first. Hell I don’t know, call someone that is not me, and don’t touch anything! And don’t talk to the police! Just call them and don’t answer anything!