Six Years Later, Perjury Caught Up With Him (Part Three)

I was driving home when Mr. Attorney Man called to say that he thought it had gone well. I agreed, and then caught him off guard by saying that I wanted to concede to my ex’s motion, and moving forward have a cap placed on what he would owe me.

Repeatedly explaining that there was no legal basis for that, and that it would mean I would end up paying a majority of the bills in the end, I stood firm that it was what I wanted.

I do want justice, but I also need to move on.

“Please ask the judge to cap it, and in turn raise his monthly payments for support and arrears. I’d rather he be obligated to pay a higher amount each month, if it means that I don’t have to talk to him ever again. I know that means I will end up paying more towards medical bills than he will, but I can’t keep doing this. I want to move on.”

I need to.

I got home that night to a bouquet of flowers, a bottle of alcohol removed champagne, and a husband waiting to either comfort me, or celebrate, and had to explain that the case wasn't yet over. 

I tossed and turned all night, and the next morning when closing arguments began, Mr. Attorney Man expressed to the court how weary the process has made me, and that although I was there for justice, I was desperate to move on. He pointed out that it was clear my ex’s testimony was not credible and asked that the courts make things right for me and my children.

Then, my ex’s attorney said “your honor, we have a lot of deadbeat dads that come through this courtroom, and it’s obvious that Mr. Ex is not one of them.”

Six Years Later, Perjury Caught Up With Him (Part Two)

It was absolutely freezing on the walk to the courthouse.

Held in the afternoon and the only case on the docket, the courtroom was empty for our hearing, with the exception of Mr. Attorney Man, myself, a friend, my ex, his attorney, the judge, and the bailiff.

Intimate in a strange kind of way, it was both comforting, and unnerving.

Mr. Attorney Man had prepared a binder of documents that was no less than five inches thick and marked with exhibits.

I myself had brought a four inch file folder of well gone through evidence; copies of everything from bills that I had incurred, to photographs of my ex, his wife, and their children, provided to me by someone they believe is their friend, and proving that his lifestyle isn't quite as homeless as he has claimed.

I was ready, and utterly sick to my stomach. But, in a twist of fortune, the judge that had spent years letting my ex bluff his way through court, had retired, and a new judge now reigned over our case; giving me a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, this time would be different.

My ex was called first, and as he sat there on the witness stand, I was taken aback at his appearance. A gaunt face with dark circles under his eyes, his hair has gone almost completely gray. Repeatedly clenching his jaw in anxiety, just as he had done throughout our marriage, only a couple teeth were now left on his bottom jaw, and a damaged partial denture that was supposed to be a temporary fix from work started nearly a decade ago, clung to the top and cause him to appear even older than he is.

Mr. Attorney Man wasted no time in getting down to business, and in an effort to condense what ended up being almost four hours of testimony, I’ll tell you that my ex’s answers were filled almost completely with perjury, and fake tears that dripped of manipulation, and desperation.

“Mr. Ex, were you not ordered to log into the website Talking Parents once a week (our only mode of communication), to converse regularly with Ms. Strong about the children and finances?” Mr. Attorney Man asked.

Six Years Later, Perjury Caught Up With Him (Part One)

Wow. 

Just wow.

Four years since I started this blog, 387 posts later, and almost exactly six years since my ex abandoned me and the kids, I finally get to write this post.

This is it. 

This is THEE post that so many of you, including myself, have been waiting for since I started this blog in 2013.

What began with a few readers, has since led to millions of you following along, and it all culminates to this moment.

A Court Date, A DCFS Case, And A Cry For Help

"Do you know what makes you special, in a different way than the baby in mommy's tummy?" The Guy asked The Boy Child as he pulled him onto his lap.

"I'm better at building with Legos" The Boy Child replied, apparently confident in his six-year-old understanding of how the world works.

"Well, yes" The Guy replied, trying not to laugh, before asking "but do you know what makes me love you so much?"

"Because I'm your best buddy!" The Boy Child exclaimed, throwing his arms around The Guy's neck.

Hugging him back, The Guy explained "yes you are! You are my buddy, and what makes you so special to me, is that your brother is being born into our family, but I picked you to be mine. I met you, and I took a good long look at everything that makes you who you are, and I said to myself  'I want to be his daddy, because that's how much I love him.' Forever, and ever, and ever, you're mine, because out of all the little boys in the whole wide world, I picked you."

With The Boy Child in is arms, The Guy is showing him how to hold his candle during the Christmas church service.

******************

A couple weeks before Christmas, The Boy Child was injured, intentionally, by a respite care worker we had hired to keep him safe. And due to a pending investigation of her, I can't go into details, but this woman had worked for us for a couple months, had gone through a background check, interview, drug test, and CPR class, all through a respite care agency. Yet still, she harbored an anger streak that none of us knew about.

My Ex's Attorney Is A Killer (Literally)

If you didn't read the last post, "I'm Not There Anymore," I suggest reading that first so that this post makes sense.

**************

It’s been a few days since my day in court, and I’m feeling much better. Overall I wasn’t feeling all that bad to begin with (compared to prior years in court), but either way it always takes a lot out of me.

This whole process has just been ridiculous. As a bit of background on this most current situation that brought us into court, Ex is ordered to pay 50% of all our children's medical, daycare, school, and extra curricular expenses. But about a year ago, he started to fall behind again; which if you are new to this blog, is a constant issue with him. He either doesn't pay the bills and/or child support, I take him to court, he is threatened with jail, and he catches up for a few months on a payment plan, before he stops paying again.

Sensing that we were about to head down the familiar legal intervention path, I told him that if he started paying me a set amount per week, that I would personally eat the cost of anything above and beyond that. The number that I offered him was significantly lower than what expenses actually are, but it would have been worth it just to not have to deal with him. To make the offer sweeter, Mr. Attorney Man graciously offered to waive the fees billed from prior court dates that Ex had not yet paid (since Ex was found in contempt, he has to pay my attorney).

Ex rejected the idea.

I'm Not There Anymore

It’s 6:30am. My husband just left for work, and the kids are sleeping. It’s been raining on and off, so it’s still dark out, and the cars driving on the road outside, are making a whizzing noise on the wet pavement as people rush off to work. A chill hangs in the air and fog has settled so thick outside, that I can’t see the cornfields right outside my front door. It’s exactly the kind of morning where you pull the covers up under your chin and relish the last few minutes you have before your alarm goes off, but I can’t sleep.

It actually feels a lot like the night several years ago when I found myself in bed, opening my laptop, and starting this blog.

I woke up this morning crying, and I’m not sure why. Tears clung to my cheeks as the pillowcase clung to my face, and my nose was running. Maybe I had been dreaming, but the more likely scenario is that even in sleep, I’m still decompressing from the events of yesterday.

On Going To Court This Week, Pregnant

Not long ago, The Guy, the kids, and I were in the car. I can’t remember what we were talking about, but at some point I looked into the backseat, and saw that The Girl Child’s eyes were welling up with tears. When I asked her what was wrong, she didn’t answer me. Confused, The Guy repeated my question, and her response to him caught me completely off guard.

“You’re not my real daddy!”

She was visibly upset and by the quiver in her voice as well as the emotion packed behind her words, it was clear that her statement was something that she had been thinking about for a very long time.

Not wanting to jump the wrong way in the conversation, I asked her what she meant by that, and she surprised me with the simplicity of her answer.

You Are Never Going To Believe This

************************

Heeeelllllooooo everyone!

My gosh, WHERE IS THE TIME GOING?

I feel like these last few months have just run over me; some great, other parts not-so-great, and a few moments have just been insane.

Can we talk about “insane,” for a few minutes here? Because here is something that I cannot even wrap my head around, and I’d love it if you all could join me in shock, awe, and horror:

Set Previous Stage: Do you remember the last time I took my ex to court? It was the 3rd or 4th time we had gone due to his failure to pay child support, and as usual he whined and cried that he was poor, basically homeless, and had not a penny to his name. Then, in a shocking twist, it came out that he was married and had new kids. He begged and pleaded for one more chance to make things right, because his “kids” (not referring to the ones he abandoned) needed him, and the judge bought the whole damn charade.

Set Recent Stage: Last December, after being given another opportunity to stay out of jail and pay down his arrearages, my ex stopped contributing to the kids medical bills, daycare costs, etc, and fell behind on paying child support. I offered him an agreement to get caught up, just so we could stay out of court, he denied it, and I filed a court petition.

Set Current Stage: My ex hired an attorney. Yep! The man cannot afford to pay his child support, yet he can afford an attorney to explain why he shouldn't have to pay child support. Oh but wait! He actually CAN afford support, because after lying on his financial affadavits all these years, after hiring an attorney who has the responsibility to have his client surrender certain financial documents to the other party (us), SURPRISE SURPRISE out comes the truth; the ex and his wife make nearly 100k a year.

You read that right (although at first I didn’t think I had).

Stand Tall, Even If Your Ex's New Wife Sucks

Every single morning, before I drop my kids off at school, I take a minute to say something to them, that I feel might be one of the most important thing they hear all day. The kids know it so well, that I only have to say the first part before they excitedly chime in with me.

Make good choices, and be a good friend, because the world needs kind people, with smiley faces.

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I have a good friend who is basically a professional internet sleuth, and recently, she looked up my ex, and sent me photos of him, his new wife, their two kids, and her extended family. Sitting there looking at the photos, I was struck that the only thought I had was “how on earth did he con all of those normal looking people?”

Then I thought back to when he originally joined my family, and had cried his little sob story about why he didn’t have any people in his life, and my extended family scooped him right up.

My grandma was kind to him in ways that make me sick to think about — knowing that he was manipulating us the entire time — such as his first Christmas with us, when she went out of her way to buy gifts for him so that he would feel welcome in our family.

Eventually, when I finally met his parents — the people he tried to keep from me — and I realized that he had lied about most of the life he had claimed to lead, I felt like an idiot. And when the lies and his true personality came pouring out until there was nowhere left to hide, and no one left that would protect him, he split.

Then he started over with the poor woman that is married to him now.

I Guess I'm Going To Trial (With A Complete Psycho)

Remember my blog post about the woman who rear ended my car, and then drove away? If you do remember, you’ll also remember that I was able to catch up to her at a stoplight, and snap a photo of her license plate. Then I pulled up beside her, honked, motioned for her to pull over, and she basically laughed, flipped me off, and drove away.

#RUDE

Because chasing her down the street and I dunno, running her off the road or something, seemed like a bad idea, I pulled over and called the police. The police looked at the photo I had taken of her and the damage done to my car, and actually took the time to track her down. When they found her and pointed out the damage to her car, she admitted that she had hit me. She was then charged her with several things, including a hit-and-run.

If you don’t remember that post, well that was basically the entire story so consider yourself caught up.

Photo Courtesy of Giphy.com

Anyway, thankfully she had insurance, and her insurance company assumed full liability and paid to fix the damage on my car. I thought that since the police had found her, she had admitted to the crime, and her insurance had paid for the damages, that all was said and done.

I was wrong.

Because really now, can anything ever be that easy?

The Lies My Ex Spews (And Why We Shouldn't Do Drugs)

A couple of weeks ago, I had court again with my ex. We were there for the ongoing saga that is the child support issue, and thank you Lord, when I got there, BEST DAY EVER.

My regular judge was on vacation.

Photo Courtesy of Giphy.com

And the stand-in judge looked like he needed about a gallon of coffee and a few grams of something illegal just to stay away for the next twenty minutes.

Basically, I loved that judge.

Unfortunately for me, before I even got the chance to have my case heard by this new, amazingly awesome judge, my ex asked Mr. Attorney Man if he could speak to me in the hall.

"Sure, why not," I said. I mean really, what could possibly go wrong in that situation (besides of course, everything).

I'd like to say that I agreed to do it because I had suddenly adopted some primal warrior attitude that was giving me the bravery I had previously lacked, but I'd be totally lying. Rather, that morning I was feeling rather stoic about the whole thing. I hadn’t been scared to walk into the court room, but I honestly think it's because my ex has dragged me through so much over the last few years, that I have begun to feel almost numb as of late. Abuse, rape, infidelity, lies, addiction, financial ruin, abandonment, hurt children, stalking, new wives, new children, and a never-ending court process, has all lead me to a place where I just feel numb to his destruction of me.

I really don’t think there are many more ways that he can hurt me. 

So into the hallway I went, where he began to spew his lies and play his victim card, and in turn, forget "stoic," because I instantly felt like my head was going to explode.

Photo Courtesy Of Giphy.com

“You took out a car insurance policy on my car, and when you got into an accident, my rates went up!” he hissed.

It was then that I made the snap decision that rather than physically attack his lying ass and get myself thrown in jail, I would take the high road...

... and passive aggressively chat with him.

The Most Shocking Post I've Ever Written

A few weeks ago I was at the YMCA gym, working hard to tone my butt on the ARC trainer (because why not), and thinking about how nervous I was that it was the first time that my now eight-year-old daughter wasn’t in the kid’s area of the YMCA childcare center. I was nervous as all get-out to have her move up with the older kids (overprotective much?), but she was nothing short of EXCITED.

In fact, the only reason we were at the gym that night was because she had begged me to take her. She knew that in the “big kids room” there was a large TV with bean bag chair viewing, a ping pong table, computers, arts and crafts, and the most fun part to her, was that the kids could check out tablets to play games on.

So, after hearing her beg, whine, and plead for several days on end, we made our way to the YMCA so that she could finally experience the Disneyland version of YMCA childcare; big kid style.

Sweating to death on the ARC trainer, I cursed the timer that seemed to be moving incredibly slow, and then found myself looking around the gym to see if anyone else appeared to be feeling the same level of physical fitness failure that I seemed to be suffering from that night. But what caught my eye was not some random person falling off of a stair climber, but rather the face of my daughter who was standing in the hallway.

She was crying

Well, crying would be putting it mildly, because she was actually at the point where she was hyperventilating. I jumped off the ARC trainer mid stride, and when I met her in the hallway she threw her arms around me and buried her tear streaked face into my side.

When she had calmed down enough for me to talk to the childcare worker who was with her, the story unfolded that when she tried to check out a tablet, she realized that she didn’t have her ID card with her. A childcare worker volunteered to take her to find me so she could get her card, and off they went, to the “gym” where I had said I was going.

But, I wasn’t technically in the gym, I was in the fitness center.

When she didn’t find me in the actual gym, she decided that I must be in a dance class, so they looked there. When I wasn’t there, they checked the spin class, locker rooms, bathroom, and then made their way back to the gym. The track in the gym runs around the enclosed basketball courts, and because of that you can’t see the entire track from the door. So I guess, as the story goes, she thought that I must just be where she couldn’t see me and she started to walk around the track. When she still didn’t see me, she panicked, and before the childcare worker knew what was going on, my tiny eight-year-old girl, wearing braces on her legs and with panic in her heart, started running around the track crying and calling out for me.

When the childcare worker managed to get her off of the track, she told her “my daddy left me, and now my mommy left me too.”

Hearing that CRUSHED me, because it made me realize that after four and a half years, countless hours of trauma therapy, and all the reassurance in the world that I would never leave her, she still harbors the realization that parents aren’t always permanent, and love is not always unconditional.

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On Friday morning I went to court for the dramatic situation that is the unpaid child support that I am owed. Not to beat a dead horse here, but as a SUPER quick recap (click here for the full story) I will remind you that my ex owes me a great deal of money in unpaid support, and after many, many court dates, was finally found guilty in court, and was sentenced to jail. Then the judge decided that jail was too harsh and he would give my ex time to pay me half of what I was owed, in order stay out of jail. My ex said he could pay it in 60 days, and the judge said he would give him 90 days, but here we were, over 90 days later and he still had not paid me.

Per the judge’s order of “Mr. Strong, if you don’t show up with a check you had better show up with a toothbrush,” Mr. Attorney Man assured me that we had a decent shot at my ex being thrown in jail.

I'll Take Insanity For $500

Well, it's that time again. Time to head somewhere that typically just pisses me off and makes me a rather unpleasant person to be around for the 24 hours after I leave said place; mostly because it's a place filled with creepy people, a ridiculous judge, and an ex husband that I despise.

Oh yea, and there was that time Mr. Attorney Man and I almost died there. Not really, but almost. 

Yep, it's time to head back to court again on the never ending quest to get my ex husband to pay child support! Remember how the last time I went to court, a judge found my ex guilty of contempt for not following a court order, and not paying child support? Remember how thrilled I was to hear the verdict, until mere moments later when the judge said "Oh, sorry, struggling single mom of two special needs kids, who has been in front of my bench 15 times in the last four years since your ex never pays you, I'm actually not going to send him to jail. Instead I'm going to give him an extra 90 days to pay you half of what he owes. Because he only has himself to worry about and one job to work and I think that you look capable of getting a few more jobs to take care of your sick and disabled kids when you aren't sitting in a hospital for weeks on end, so just hang in there for a few more months since it's only been four years, and then just take the discounted money and be happy with it OK?"

Photo Courtesy of Giphy.com

Well, he didn't exactly say that, but it was very much implied.

NO.

Not happy.

"You know, Judge, I really only wanted half the money anyway, in case I just wanted to start feeding my children half of what they need and only clothe them halfway."

Photo Courtesy of Giphy.com

I Went To Court, And I Actually Learned Something

The Boy Child started attending a new daycare last week.

To give you a little bit of perspective, he had been going to his previous daycare since he was less than a year old (he started a few months after my ex left), and he is now almost 5. To him, that daycare was a big part of his life. The teachers were his "other mothers," and his classmates were his "other siblings." His nap cot was his 2nd bed, and the facility was his second home. He has eaten there, slept there, played there, learned there, and thrived there for as long as he can remember, and he loved it.

But when everything went down with the states child care funding crisis that threatened my childcare subsidy, and some changes were made at the center with staffing, we needed to find a new place. And I'm not going to lie, it made me really sad, because I've trusted that place with raising both my daughter and my son. They have been there for them when I couldn't be, and until recently, they've done a great job.

So looking for a new center, it was hard! It felt like jumping into the dating world the day after the love of your life breaks up with you. It didn't matter what any of the other places had to offer, none of them were the one we loved; the place we were comfortable with.

But there wasn't much I could do about that, and with my subsidy threatened and a huge staff turnover at the facility, it was time to get moving. I kid you not, I called every damn daycare within a 30 minute radius of my house. I did tour after tour, visiting some places more than once (often with friends), and when the directors would ask me if I had any questions, you had better believe that I had no less than 30. Because this is my child we are talking about here, and if he is going to be "raised" by someone else during the day, then I want to make sure that he is being raised in a place that supports the way I'd like to see him raised.

Well Surprise, Surprise......

Well, surprise, surprise, I have court again on Friday.

Does this seem a bit redundant to you? I mean really, aren’t you tired of talking about this?

Because I am.

I am so over this.

In fact, I’m pretty sure that is nearly exactly what I said last time!

But, as usual, there’s nothing I can do about this, so onward we go.

Please God, let this finally be over (God, can you hear me?).

Hopefully this Friday, my ex will actually understand that yes, if we are standing in a courtroom, in front of a judge, WE HAVE COURT.

Enter Raised Eyebrows of Stupidity:

Seriously, don’t even get me started on that again (really, how stupid can you be to stand in a court room, in front of a judge, and argue that you don't have court??), because it’s way too early for me to start drinking, and I just cannot handle any more of his nonsense if it’s not going to be paired with a tasty margarita or a couple of whiskey shots to help dull my annoyance.

Because trust me, there is annoyance, and I am not in the mood to get my first assault charge.

In The Meantime, I Can't Help But Wonder

Court yesterday.....



Got continued.

Yea I know.

Gah.

Surprise, surprise, my ex was unprepared. He showed up claiming that he hadn't done what the judge had ordered him to do, because we didn't have court until the 9th.

Um, no, clearly court was yesterday, which he must have known, SINCE HE SHOWED UP ON THE DAY THAT WE HAD COURT. WHICH WAS YESTERDAY. IN THE COURTHOUSE. WHERE HE WAS STANDING. BECAUSE HE KNEW WE HAD COURT.

So yea, none of that made any sense, which is much like every encounter that I have with him, and am always left shaking my head and thinking "wtf just happened?"

The hearing was continued and now isn't for another 6 weeks, and to say that I'm frustrated would be the understatement of the century. I've been working off the mental mindset that I just needed to make it to yesterday; that I just needed to hold myself together and get through court, and then I could put it all behind me.

But now I've just added six weeks to my already stressed emotional state; six more weeks until I can put my ex back where he belongs; out of my mind.

But I can't change this. There is nothing that I can do to change this, so I'll wait.

I'll wait, and I'll enjoy spending my time with my two beautiful kids, and the new man in my life who understands just how frustrated I am. And I'll be thankful that for the first time in my life, instead of having someone run away from the craziness that surrounds me, I have someone who is wrapping their arms around me and sharing in the burden of drying up my tears.

I Need A Cupcake For Court Tomorrow

Can someone please bring me some wine and a few cupcakes? Because I'd really like to stuff my feelings down with food right about now.

Tomorrow I have court again with my ex.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

When I wrote my last post, I was angry. And before that, I was scared. And even before that, and even now, I'm just hurt; hurt that I need to chase down the father of my kids and try to get him to acknowledge that our kids exist.

I'm tired.

My Ex Showed Up For Court

I’m not sure how many of you remember but in July I paid Mr. Attorney Man (in single dollar bills, in a duffle bag, in a parking lot, because WHY NOT?) to take my ex back to court due to his continued nonpayment of child support.

I was coming off the heel of yet another failed attempt to get him to pay; a failed attempt that included me agreeing — in the hallway of the courthouse — to a ridiculous deal that would let my ex pay me what he owed, over the course of the next 5 years; a deal made in an attempt to keep him out of jail so that he wouldn’t lose his job, and take with it any chance of me ever getting paid.

I had left court that day upset that I had agreed to allow him to finance his children, and upset that once again he would face no real consequence from the years of his repeated failure to be responsible for his children. As the months wore on and he did not keep up his end of the deal, I got angry (and rightfully so). But the funny thing was, I was less angry at him, and more angry with myself. I was angry because by continuously making deals with him, I was not handling the situation in a way that I would look back and feel proud of.

From my post in October when I was talking about going back to court, I had said:

I'm At Least Going To Try

If you remember, in June 2014 I decided to take my Ex back to court for unpaid child support. It was a decision that I had really struggled with because I was nervous to reignite his anger, but the kids and I were really struggling due to his refusal to acknowledge our existence or his court ordered child support payments. 

Eventually I decided that it was in my best interest to take him to court on the issue. I would highly encourage you to go back and read the posts surrounding those dates so that you know what I'm talking about, but for now I'll just put a very large cut and paste here from June of last year: 

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Please be aware that the following is a cut and paste from June 2014

"I’m tired of it. I’m tired of him. I’m tired of seeing things always work out for him while the kids and I struggle so much. Decide to hit your wife? Sure, go for it, no one will care. Decide that you don’t want to be a father anymore? Sure, just walk out the door and never look back. Decide to have your wife raped? Sure, the police aren’t going to do anything about it anyway. Shake your baby? No problem, your wife will dedicate her life to healing him while you just go about your merry way. Decide to stalk her for a few months because it’s all fun and games? 

Absolutely, go for it, you’ll never be prosecuted anyways.

Mr. Attorney Man And I Almost Died (not really but almost)

Court was… interesting, but not in the way that you might think.

As you know I posted on Monday night that I had JUST found out that I had a court date on Thursday morning to extend my Order of Protection. I was freaking out because this blog was born out of an attack that occurred due to retaliation when I got the initial order. Obviously I didn’t want to go through that again so I had a tough choice to make; risk my life and extend the order, or risk the kid's safety and let it lapse.

I was supposed to let Mr. Attorney Man know on Tuesday if I wanted to extend it or not, but due to a ridiculously busy week and a lot of inner turmoil, Wednesday night snuck up on me and I still had not made a decision. When I got a text from Mr. Attorney Man that basically said “I need an answer from you," I responded back with the only thing that I knew for certain; “how am I supposed to make a decision on something that might get me killed when I haven't had time to make any safety plans?”

In the end it was decided that if my ex showed up we would request a continuance on the case and if he didn't show up, Mr. Attorney Man assured me that the order would be "rubber stamped through" (meaning that it would be automatically extended and I wouldn't have to really talk to the judge) and then it should take a few days before he would even be served with the order, so that would buy me a little time.

I was about as OK with that plan as I was going to be with anything at that point, which really meant “I get that this is my best option but I really just wish that I didn’t have to deal with it at all.”

When I woke up on Thursday morning I felt so unnerved and sick that I gagged on my toothpaste.

I then got ridiculously lost on the way to the courthouse.

I knew that there was some construction going on near the courthouse, so I had planned for it and left my house early, but what I was not expecting was over 6 miles of one-way-street detours that took me through neighborhoods, a construction zone, what appeared to be an abandoned commercial district, and then eventually spit me out clear on the other side of town. When I passed a house with a sofa on the front lawn and a hotel that advertised "we have color TV and waterbeds," I realized that I was in the beginning of every scary movie I had ever seen.

My GPS had gone from continuously telling me to “make a u-turn when possible” to eventually just showing what appeared to be my car floating around in space.