Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Conversations I Did Not Think I Would Be Having This Week

Do you ever find yourself thinking "I can't believe I just said that?" Mothers, I know you do this. "Stop licking your sisters eyeball. Get your toe out of your brothers cereal." I find myself thinking "I can't believe I just said that" at leave five times a day, so this week I thought it would be fun to let you be a fly on the wall in Eden's life.

Every night when I tuck the girl child into bed I ask her the same three questions; “What was the best part of your day, the worst part of your day, and the funniest thing that happened?” Normally she rattles of a few things that can only be considered poignant in the brain of a five year old, but on Monday night she surprised me by saying “Or how about we talk about the boys that I like.”

"Um….what?" was about all I could stutter out.

“The boys that I like mommy, let’s talk about them.”

“Girl child, what do you mean ‘like,’ like you want to play with them and be their friends?”

“Yea some of them, but some I like a little more, like Cameron. I asked him to marry me.”

Apparently my kid got engaged at daycare. Please see also: We are now homeschooling.

“And what did Cameron say honey?”

“He said yes, when we are 30.”

“Well it sounds like you picked yourself a very smart boy.” Now I’m thinking ok, good we can just move on, but noooo, she interjects herself right into that little pause that happened while I was exhaling a sigh of relief and she filled it right up with…..

“So now that I’m getting married does that mean I get a baby next? You need a boy to have a baby right? Why is that? You said we don’t need a daddy, so how come you need a daddy to get the baby in you? If God wants you to have a daddy to have a baby, is that because the daddy puts the baby in you? How exactly does he do that?"

Hey, who wants ice cream!!!

On the plus side, I can at least give her intelligence points, because after I got her settled I went in to check on the boy child who was standing in his crib in just a polka dotted diaper.

"I wearing coconuts!"

"Polka dots. You are wearing polka dots."

"I wearing polka nuts!"

"P-O-L-K-A  D-O-T-S"

"Coco dots!"

"Ok. Whatever. Yes, you look very cute."

"Mommy, yuk me (look at me)! I yuking at you fun. I yuking at you wiff (with)...wiff (with)...smi-wee face!"

"You're looking at me with your smiley face?"

"Yea! Because I wuv (love) you most."

Not always the brightest crayon in the box that one, but damn is he cute.

On Tuesday a guy told me that I seem older than I am because I have “a lot of mileage” on me. I was like “Um, I’m going to give you a minute to explain yourself before I get offended, because right now I think you just called me a whore.” He was like “Oh no, not at all. I mean that you have had a lot of life experiences, lived through a lot that makes you seem older than you are.”

Yea, buddy if you want to live to be older, don’t go around telling women that they have a lot of mileage on them.

Also on Tuesday I went to the bank to drop off $31 in quarters that I had gotten from my garage sale. Now here was a new one for me, the bank wouldn’t take it because they don’t take coins anymore. Since when did the bank stop accepting money? The teller told me that they “can’t handle that much change in their drawers so they stopped taking coins, but if I wanted to take it to the grocery store for a small fee, the Coinstar machine would give me paper bills for the change.  

The HUGE bag of coins the bank wouldn't take. A whole 1/3rd of a small sandwich bag.

“So let me get this straight” I said to the teller. “The bank wants me to bank at the grocery store because they don’t accept money anymore? You realize how stupid this sounds, right?”

“Sorry ma’am we don’t accept change anymore.”

“Ok, just so I’m clear, what you are telling me is that your bank no longer accepts money, money that the government puts out and deems the Federal method of currency, and you are an American currency institution, but you don’t take money anymore.”

She just stood there looking at me like I was stupid and I assure you I was looking at her the exact same way.

Speaking of people just staring at me, on Thursday my daughter had to have a medical test done under anesthesia. She has had quite a few tests like this done before and what I noticed right away was how rushed the anesthesiologists always are. I don’t know if it’s because they don’t really get to know their patients or what, but they always seem to just come in the room, barely acknowledge my kid, ask me a million questions, and then rush out the door. Yea, that’s not going to fly with me. This is my kid we are talking about and seeing as how they will be the person completely responsible for her breathing and other necessary life functions, I want them to acknowledge that she is an actual human being. Last time I remember telling the guy “Hi, meet my girl child. She is four years old, loves princesses, coloring, and singing. She is extremely important to me and I want her back in the exact form that she is in now. She is not just your nine o’clock patient, she is an entire lifetime so take care of her.

Well this particular Thursday the anesthesiologist seemed even more rushed than they usually are. I had requested that they give her whatever that sleepy gas is before inserting the IV and the guy had her out before I even knew it was happening. Before I walked out the door he asked me if there was anything else he should know and I said “Yes, you had better take care of her because I am not afraid to murder someone.” He took a minute to just at me and then he started to laugh. “Oh no. I am not joking” I said quite sternly. Then he just stared at me.

Jumping back to Wednesday, I was driving in the car with a friend when I, well, I ran over a bird. In my defense the birds in my town are seriously the dumbest birds I have ever seen. I had never in my life hit a bird until I moved into my town and to this day I have never hit a bird other than in my town. Not the next town over, nowhere except my town. But in my town…I am racking up quite the scorecard. I think it must be the fact that there are miles and miles of open fields. The birds not only breed by the seemingly millions, but then they fly through thirty miles of open air and don’t notice the car crossing their flight path until they are rolling off your windshield. That doesn’t explain the one’s that I’ve just plain run over though... Aren’t birds supposed to fly away when they see the car coming? 99 out of 100 times I’ll slow down needlessly because the birds fly away, but then there’s that one time when you don’t slow down and CRUNCH. It sounds like you are stepping on a rice chex. My friend looked over at me and said “You are one birdicide away from being a full blown serial birderer.” Nice. I’m claiming that was a suicide, not a murder. I was an unwilling accomplice, that bird was looking right at me until the very last second.

I think my favorite most informative conversation of the week might have come when a friend called me on Friday to tell me that a guy I’m dating had just uploaded a picture of someone's boobs on his Facebook account.  She said she was scrolling through her newsfeed and just happened to see it pop up. "It disappeared right away so he might be hiding something because he deleted it immediately!"

Yep, he is hiding something alright. Hiding the fact that he accidentally uploaded a picture of my boobs on his Facebook. PG-13 sexting, gotta love it until someone’s tits end up on Facebook. 

Now I'll admit, I'm down for a little sexting with the guys that I date. It's all innocent; I never send anything naked and I certainly don't include my face so I'm always shocked when the dude sends back a full frontal face included picture. Who does that!? Why? Just why?? Let's just say that I'm pretty happy that I keep my sexting to faceless beach attire, because this is what made it's brief appearance on Facebook this week:

Last but not least, the most awesome conversation I had the pleasure of being a part of this week was when a neighbor messaged me to tell me that THE NUTCASE NEIGHBORS ARE STILL MOVING. In two months! To a state about as far away from me as you can get and still be considered living in America!! There is a God!! Mr. Nutcase's company is moving them and selling their home which is why they threw out their boxes and took the old realtor's sign down. Happy girl over here, happy girl!

So that pretty much rounds up the strangeness in my week, what is the weirdest thing you found yourself saying this week?


  1. "It's not the worst poop you've ever made"

    "Well, this is why we don't knock the horse over and curl up between its legs" (after rescuing her from the rocking horse)

    "You've lost your fork privileges"

    "Mommy's book is about a lady who hunts down very bad boys who are hiding and need to be put in Time Out." (about the Stephanie Plum books)

    1. Haha!! I'm not sure I want to know what the poop was in relation too...but I kinda do....

      The horse thing is so funny! Kids I tell ya, they make us seem so freaking weird when we hear ourselves talking out loud to them sometimes.

  2. Yay, the neighbors ARE moving! Woo hoo! (Happy dance, happy dance...) :)

    Well, I think the word that Tuesday guy was groping for was "mature", not old. As in, you are very mature for your age, due to life experiences. (Aka an "old soul".) He just didn't have the vocabulary handy (which probably makes him a millennial...?!)

    I've got a bank "won't take money" story... went into a bank after getting a $20 in their ATM and politely asked them for change. (Not coins or anything, just your basic "change a $20" type bill exchange.) Turns out they won't change your cash money for you "unless you have an account with them." So basically, they won't take money! Even in bills! (Now I can see why they wouldn't cash a CHECK, it might be a risk since they can't check your account, but to just take money aka "legal tender" from you and give you other money for it?! Where's the risk there? Especially since we know they own those little pens to ensure the bill is genuine! I mean, WTF, right?)

    My favorite overheard comment (adult to child) is: We don't do THAT in public! (Consider the wide variety of possible actions that remark could've addressed.... ?!)

    And the parent/kid joke: Billy, you've got your shoes on the wrong feet. But Mommy, these are the only feet I've got!

    1. Awe, dude. That hurts my feelings!

      Millenials are actually one of the smartest generations yet.

    2. Yay for moving neighbors!!!

      The banks my gosh what is going on with them? That is strange that they wouldn't cash the twenty into change. Its not like you were asking for a thousand in $1's!

      The foot thing is too funny. I love how literal kids are!

      What's a millenial? He was almost 40 lol

  3. My birthday was this past weekend so I was asking my sister when she was free for the BBQ that my boss was throwing me. The conversation went something like this:

    Me: Hey Sister! What are your plans for Saturday?
    Sister: Saturday.....What day of the week is Saturday?
    Me: Did you...did you seriously just ask me what day of the week is Saturday?

    On my actual birthday, I did my first 10K with my sister and roommate and few friends. My sister has never done a 5K or a 10K...she hates running period. When we get to the first kilometer she's feeling great and says this:
    Sister: Man, I'm feeling great! This is awesome! I can just feel the estrogen pumping through my body.

    Me: Estrogen? Really? You can feel the estrogen, huh?
    Sister: Yeah, the estrogen!
    Me: I'm pretty sure you mean endorphins
    Sister: Whatever. Endorphins, estrogen....they both begin with E.

    1. Happy birthday!!!!!

      Your sister should hang out with the friend that I had lunch with a few months ago. I mentioned that the fields of corn had turned brown quickly and she asked me "so does that mean they have been harvested?" I was like 'Uh, NO." So then she asked me "how do you know when it's been harvested." Well gee, I guess my first clue would be WHEN ITS NOT THERE ANYMORE.

  4. In defense of the anesthesiologists I know (e.g. my brother-in-law), they are incredibly overbooked most days. Hospitals have them going from one surgery to the next without much pause. They should still try to remember their patients are anxious human beings, though! The good ones do, which is why we have always had our girls in to the nearby Children's Hospital when they needed anything like that done.

    My kids used to say crazy things when they were little, but I'll be damned if I can remember most of them. My wife is always better at that than I am. Now it's up to me to bring the crazy to the conversation. I regularly get my eldest daughter to come close to snorting milk out of her nose at dinner time. If we're not all laughing at dinner time, then there's some serious sh*t going down in the world.

    As to you Tuesday fellow, I have made enormous efforts to remove all words from my vocabulary related to age, passage of time, level of experience, etc. when talking to women! Nothing good can come from that! I value my life and limbs too much to go there.

    And the only thing further I have to say is: lavender is a VERY nice color.

    1. Milk coming out of the nose, nice! Sounds like a fun family meal!!

      Yea I agree, the anesthesiologists are way to rushed. The hospitals just have them churning people in and out like fast food hamburgers. Its actually really scary.

  5. At my bank, you can ask for free coin wrappers and trade in your wrapped coins for cash. I don't do this much anymore because I use all of my change these days, but it's been helpful in the past.

    1. That's not a bad idea, but I actually had one roll still in the paper from when they gave it too me (in preperation for a garage sale) and they wouldn't even take that back!


  6. I hate that banks don't take coins anymore. I have a huge bowl of coins sitting on my dresser right now. We've got a CoinStar machine in our grocery store and while I could pay the 9% or whatever fee it is to get the actual cash, I'm going to either get a gift card to the grocery store or to Amazon because with gift cards, you get 100% of the coinage.

    I had a five-year-old kid at work the other day who was getting annoyed with her three-year-old brother. Our conversation went something like this (note: I was talking to someone else when she initiated the conversation):

    Kid: Miss Teacher, excuse me please, Miss teacher?
    Me: Yes, Kid?
    Kid: Brother is really bothering me. Is it okay if I go talk to him and tell him that he's bothering me?
    Me: Yes, you can tell your brother that what he's doing is bothering you.
    Kid: Would it please be okay if I kick him?
    Me: Uh, no, Kid. You can't kick your brother.
    Kid: Would it please be okay if I hit him with a block?
    Me: Uh, no Kid. You can't hit your brother with a block.
    Kid: Would it please be okay if I hit him with a baby doll?
    Me: No. You can't hit your brother with a baby doll either.
    Kid: (getting a little exasperated at this point): Would it please, please, PLEASE be okay if I hit him with a chair?
    Me: Kid, you can't hit your brother. Not with your hands, not with your feet, not with a toy or a book or a chair. You can't hit him at all. We use our words here, not our hands.
    Kid: Well can I please make him trip on something?
    Me: Kid, let's go color a picture for mommy. How does that sound?
    Kid: But I said please like a thous and times and PLEASE IS THE MAGICAL WORD and you should let me hit my brother!
    Me: Nope. No hitting. Sorry, Kid, but while that word does have magical powers, one of its magical powers is not granting you permission to harm your little brother.

    Ah, kids...

    1. Oh my gosh that is hysterical!!! Well at least they asked nicely ;)

      So its not only my bank that won't take coins!?

    2. Nope, not just your bank. It's annoying as anything. I mean, it's freaking currency. They should take it! ;)

      The little girl was hilarious. She's a tiny little peanut of a thing (her just barely three-year-old brother is an inch taller than her, and he's not that big for his age). To see her jumping up and down and screaming with all her might that please is a magical word was by far one of the funniest things I've seen at my job.

    3. I can totally imagine that little girl lol! Do you work at a daycare?

    4. Babysitting in a YMCA. The parents are in the building and we watch the kids while they're exercising. I've been there nine years and there have been countless times the kids have just cracked me up. And then there are the times I've said things that I'd never thought I'd say...like, "No matter how magical the word please is, it's not magical enough to let you hurt your brother."

    5. Thats funny, I used to work there too. Now my kids go there :)

      That is such a funny story still

  7. my 2 year old just pitched a Major Fit because i took a deer tick off him and told him i was going to flush it, and he started crying and yelling DON'T FLUSH HIM, I LIKE HIM, HE'S BLACK AND I WANT TO SNUGGLE HIM!

    1. HAHAHA! I will never understand two year olds. I spend half of my time scratching my head and trying to follow their train of thought.

  8. Eden, if you don't mind my asking, what happened with that man who was your best friend and then he fell in love with you and you were having a hard time with that and then he just left? (pretty sure i didn't need to tell you your own life story there..) Has he still not contacted you?

    1. I actually got a text from him a few weeks ago. He has a girlfriend now and I'm very happy for him. The conversation was awkward and strained so I just sort of let it go. I really hope he has found someone that loves him the way he deserves :)

  9. Ha I love when kids say/do random things..

    My coworkers kid recently tried to bribe his teacher with a dime to let him take a test first.. She has no idea where he got that idea. The teacher just laughed it off and told him to sit back down

    My almost 2 yr old cousin is unable to say the word truck.. Instead, he runs around the house screaming COCK! I WANT MY COCK! ..wine came through my nose when I heard it for the first time..

    1. Truck seems to be the most commonly "innocent turned bad" word out there. I've heard it changed to "fuck" a lot by different kids. Love the cock translation though, how funny!

      A dime! Geez kid, at least try to use a dollar ;)

    2. Random hijacking here...

      When my brother was three, he was completely and madly IN LOVE with ducks. He had a speech impediment, so yeah. He said fuck. We were at the park one day playing by the pond. There were a lot of ducks around, and all of a sudden he starts screaming "I wanna fuck! Please, mommy, I wanna fuck!"

    3. We went to Disney World when my daughter was 4 during Star Wars weekend. She was terrified! She kept screaming at the top of her lungs in front of everyone in the park "I hate Star Whores". The harder I laughed the louder she screamed. It was awesome!

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    5. (had to edit this for spelling) I think "fork" may beat out "truck" for most often mispronounced. I do remember now one time in a restaurant when my first daughter was just learning to talk. She noticed she didn't have a fork and, you guessed it, she started yelling loudly "FUCK! FUCK!". You have never seen two parents move faster as my wife and I pawed through our silverware in a mad rush and practically started flinging forks at her.

    6. Oh my gosh you guys crack me up! Fucking ducks, star whores, throwing forks, ah, I needed a good laugh, its been a long day, so thanks all of you!! :)