Friday, May 2, 2014

Represent

I never delete the text messages from my phone. I'm not sure why, I just don't. The other day I was waiting to go into a meeting and I was sort of just scrolling through my old text messages and I started thinking about how weird I am.

Seriously, who talks like this with their friends?

My friend told me my son needed a brother and then apparently offered up her husband. I hope you all can tell I was joking.


Sometimes you are reminded of some of your more scandalous days




Sometimes you have absolutely no idea what you were talking about


Sometimes you have no idea what other people were talking about


Sometimes you wonder if your phone was ever seized for any sort of investigation, if your sarcasm would be obvious.


And this is a totally different person. Don't ever take my advice people! I'm apparently dangerous.


Sometimes you are reminded that your attorney is reading your blog to help protect your privacy and you are instantly overcome with mortification about everything he knows about you. You make a mental note to start looking for another attorney once he realizes how totally weird you are and ceases all communication. You also make a note to buy a full length parka for your next meeting because you are feeling a little exposed.



Sometimes, when your babysitter texts you saying that your toddler is singing himself to sleep, you really start to miss your kids even though they were driving you crazy an hour earlier.


Sometimes you are reminded of why you disowned your family.


Sometimes you laugh because you have at least one friend with a worse job than you.


Sometimes you are overcome with a wave of nausea and disgust as you come across a text from a guy who got your number from the human resources department of an office building that you used to clean, just so that he could ask you out on a date.


Sometimes you also remember that time the nutcase neighbor insisted that you join a dating website and the first guy you meet is weirder than can be. (the second guy was a criminal awaiting his prison sentence, but that's another story for another time). I didn't even want to go on this date, I kept telling the Nutcase Neighbor that his pictures looked fake and he was writing me these really long creepy emails. I was so convinced that something was wrong with this guy that I wasn't about to meet him anywhere at night, so I told him that I couldn't afford a babysitter and we would need to meet for lunch while the kids were at daycare. I was kinda hoping that would turn him away, but nope. I showed up and guess what? The pictures were definitely fake. Either that or I didn't recognize him because all of the make-up he had on. Don't lie to me about what you look like. I honestly spent the first half of the date wondering if he was a woman. To be honest, I'm still not sure.

Not only that, I could not figure out what was going on with this guy. First he started talking about how he normally doesn't date people my age (we were the same age) because he likes older women in their fifties. Then he started telling me that he likes older women because they make better sex tapes. Then he told me that he actually likes making the sex tapes with men and the older women can watch. Then he asked me if I would film him sleeping with a man and I could watch. Then he told me he only sleeps with men.

After I left I wasn't really sure what to make of all that. Aside from the super uncomfortable sex talk I did have fun. I really don't care what your sexual preference is, but I personally am not attracted to guys that sleep with other guys. I didn't want to date this guy, but he seemed nice enough so I wasn't sure how to tell him that I didn't want to go out again. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Coincidentally I ended up getting stuck in a family emergency as soon as I got home and thankfully he handled the situation for me when he sent me this the very next day:














Let me tell you I pulled my profile down real fast after that. A criminal and this guy was a little too much for me.

Sometimes you are reminded how how broken you yourself are when you come across a text a friend sent you after she called you wanting you to talk about your rape. I declined, which hurt her feelings because she thinks I don't trust her.


Sometimes you just talk about the Nutcase Neighbors


Sometimes you are reminded of how blessed you are to have awesome friends



Sometimes, after all of that, you realize that yep, everyone already knows how weird you are, and yet they still talk to you anyways. 

No need to hide it, you just keep letting your crazy hang out.

Represent.


36 comments:

  1. The texts with the "non-gay guy that wanted you to watch him with another man and got offended by being called gay" was hilarious.

    Dating websites rock for the lulz factor. I subscribed to one a long time ago just to lol at what people writes in their profiles, best 60 dollars ever spent.

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    1. It. Was. CRAZY.

      Match.com, a place where you would have better luck burning your money and dating one of the firefighters that shows up to put out the flames.

      Delete
  2. Man, I have friends that acts exactly like the fake-photo guy. Sometimes I try to explain that they aren't the center of universe, but...in this occasions I'm just "rude and not understanding". The truth is, sometimes I say "ohhhh no way" to see how far they go (which is mean, but quite funny).

    And I guess you forgot to cover the name of a guy on "Sometimes you just talk about the Nutcase Neighbors".

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    1. Yea, some people think the sun rises and sets with them, don't they?

      I know, I left a couple of the names uncovered because I had already told everyone about Derek in the post "trust, a four letter word," and everyone in America knows at least one person named Matt so it didn't seem too "identity revealing."

      Thank you for pointing that out to me though! One day I'm sure I will accidentally forget to cover something and I'll need you guys to tell me real fast!!

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  3. Good grief, that guy sounds completely nuts!

    My mother keeps begging me to do the online dating thing because that's what she does and "We could double date OMG THAT WOULD BE FUN!!!"

    One, no. Just...no. No double dating with the parental unit.
    Two, while online dating works for many and I don't want to begrudge them that opportunity, it's not for me. Too many weirdos out there.

    On the other hand, those websites are good for laughs. And possibly free meals if the guy wants to take you out to lunch or dinner, haha :)

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    1. Oh my gosh, I am dying, that is SOOOOO funny!!! You should get a male friend in on it and "pretend" to double date. Make is so unbelievably awkward that she never asks again. Then report back to all of us with a great story. I have no mother so you will have to take one for the team this time girly!

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    2. Heh, she would likely spend the whole time either flirting with him or telling him all the reasons he shouldn't date me.

      Though I could certainly tell whichever guy she's dating at the time some things about her previous relationships.

      Hmmm...we might have something here, haha.

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  4. You are crazy or weird in a good way heh. Now what is this chromosomal disorder you, your sister and your daughter have? Feel free to email me at aurora151989 at comcast dot net I'm beginning to think it's passed down on the female line since your brothers aren't affected

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    1. or are they?

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    2. Someone asked the same question in the post where I offered you guys the floor to ask questions. I haven't forgotten about it, I was actually working on the "answers" post tonight, so stay tuned! It is actually passed down equally to both genders, I'm not sure why it seems to only be hitting only the girls in my family, but I suspect that one of my brother's has a mild form of it

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  5. I like you and all, and the last guy definitely sounded like a looloo, but bisexuals aren't gay. Bisexuals do exist and sexuality isn't a black and white issue.

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    1. Oh trust me, I know and agree, I wasn't meaning to offend anyone. I have lots of friends that sway back and forth across gender lines, it can be fluid sometimes. But with that being said, this guy told me that he only sleeps with men, which had me really confused as to why I was there. He only dates women but only sleeps with men.

      Maybe he is bisexual to the point where he gets turned on by women getting turned on by him, but prefers a male partner, I don't know and its not for me to speculate on.

      I can accept any gender trait in a friendship, but don't spend several weeks pursing a relationship with me without being upfront that both our sexual needs will be getting met by other people. That was a little much for me and then to be effectively written off for not texting back immediately, I was snappy!

      Sorry if I offended anyone!

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    2. I find with certain online guys, there is no correct etiquette for rejection. Whatever you do will always be the worst thing you could have done, unless it's an emphatic yes.

      It made me laugh the way he flipped out when you accepted his breaking it off. He expected you to get all upset and beg him to see you again so he could set things on his terms. These guys really shouldn't believe what they read on those seduction 'game' web sites.

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    3. Haha! Very true. I never realized how hard it is to break it off with people. My biggest fear was always that they would be hurt, not that they wouldn't go away!!

      Craziness I tell ya.

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  6. Man Eden...You have waaaayyyy more patience than me. Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, Heterosexual, Guy or Girl, don't care who you are...I wouldn't have put up with those texts...at all! I so have little patience for a whinefest, but a WineFest is totally welcome ;)

    Nathalie
    xoxoxox

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  7. I have the feeling that your weird date may have been saying he was gay (or exaggerating that aspect) in order to get you to want to convert him. Well, he obviously was into using reverse psychology, evidenced by the "we're not a match" conversation. He sounds extremely confused. Like, EXTREMELY! That was by far the best text of the bunch.
    I would love to hear about other disastrous dating experiences!

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    1. Glad you enjoyed the post! If you want to read my other dating disaster's, read the posts titled "That time I found out i was going to hell," "Yes, the actually happened unfortunately," and "dates where I was on my worst behaivor." You can also click the tab at the bottom that says "dating."

      Thanks for reading!!

      *hugs!*

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  8. "Hi I don't want to date you anymore and here's why"
    "Ok, no problem, I feel the same way and here's my reason why"
    "HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT I AM A NICE MAN I ONLY SAID ONE MEAN THING ABOUT YOU AND HERE YOU ARE HURTING LIKE 10 OF MY FEELS RIGHT NOW"

    LOL what a total goober!

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    1. Ah hahahahahaha (deep breath) hahahahah.

      "You are hurting like ten of my feelings right now."

      Weird, right? Its like impossible to break it off with people these days!

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    2. Ugh, seriously! If it doesn't work, it doesn't work- why make it a whole crazy incident? yeesh -_-

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    3. Hence my "I'm ok with it, maybe you should be too" comment. Like what, now that I have seen your crazy side you are going to be even more appealing than you already weren't??

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    4. I used to be like that guy.. when I was like 16. How did he think that was going to work on you? So bizarre! Good for you for shutting that down, even if he kept fightin' on.

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  9. Haven't you learned anything from your crazy parents? (I.e., they beg you to see them until you offer to, and then it's um well uh er ... no?)

    Instead of the let him down politely thing, what you SHOULD'VE said to this guy is that you were so extremely head-over-heels impressed with him that you wanted to have his babies instantly and of course spend every moment 24/7 with him and you're sure that your threatening wacko ex and two adorable special needs kids won't bother him at all, or the fact that you have no job and no money so he'll have to support everything financially by himself, so just how soon can you two pick a date for the wedding? (Oh and did you mention you can't cook? So you hope he can? Because he'll be doing all of it? Plus the shopping since he'll be fixing it all!) And of course once you've tied the knot he certainly can't sleep with men any more! But, he won't mind right? Because we're so combatible we MUST be together! Forever! Now!

    (If you'd said this in person to him you would also want to try to get your eyes to glow adoringly -or maniacally- at him as you tell him all this, and give him a slightly unbalanced smile with it, the worrisome kind that mad scientists in movies do... it's a bit harder to convey that with texts of course, so you'd have to compensate with lots of CAPITALS for emphasis.) ;-)

    Trust me, those smoking tracks on the ground will be from his sneaker soles as he runs like hell! !!! (Don't expect any reply texts after that!)

    Seriously though, it would be much more fun in person, because then, from the distance, as you observed the tiny figure rapidly disappearing into the horizon (in classic "feets don't fail me now" fashion!), you would hear this strange sound floating towards you that might be something like aaaiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! Or maybe aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!! *

    (* Depends on just how high he can scream in terror...)

    Ah well, just something to think about next time (for the next "looloo", as another post-er put it!)

    Or, you could mention that you loved the movie Fatal Attraction and could totally understand why she acted like that... the guy totally deserved what he got... "I mean really, don't you think so? I know what _I_ would do if a guy treated ME like that..." (That one works too.) !!!

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    1. Hahaha!!! That is a great idea!! I'm totally going to take the crazy angle next time :) You just watch blogland, I can feel a good story coming sooner or later lol!

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  10. There is a flaw in your reasoning , she is hawt and as a hawt chick she can say and do anything because it doesnt matter she will get hit on and stalked regardless. As far as the crazy/insane goes most guys assume every single woman is bat crazy so nothing new there :)

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    1. Ha!! Well that's an interesting new perspective...

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    2. You should make an account in PoF or Craiglist, post one of your striping pics with the profile the anonymous poster described and then blog about all the emails you get.

      I'm sure it would be a fun read.

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    3. Oh my gosh lol, I seriously could not even imagine!!! That would be so funny! With my luck I would absolutely wind up with a stalker though!

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  11. Can I just say I love you!! No seriously. I've been thru so much and recently found myself in a slump and abusive relationship. I've been hiding my personality for years! It's similar to you, weirder then freaking weird and the humor is spot on. I used to even be outgoing like you! I forgot so much of that during the years of abusove and seclusion. You are so wonderful! I think I'll try to let my weird side out some more. :)
    I've known many survivors of child abuse, but never one that handled it like I seem to. You have tho.
    And to top it off, I've always felt shamed because of my abuse. My rapes were something I his because ppl didn't talk to me after they found out. Some family still doesn't talk to me.
    Oh and lastly, nutcase neighbors! I knew some like them. I had friends who would not talk to me or let me near their house after my ex (current at time) committed suicide. Their reasoning was what if he came in there and killed them?? He wasn't stalking me, he wasn't homicidial, he was depressed and suicidal! That's a huge difference. Yet even thru my pain and suffering as I watched my life fall apart once again, they acted just like your nutcase neighbors. Because you know, it could have been them or something....

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    1. Aw, I love you too! Embrace your weird side, it's what sets you apart from the normal people! Why settle for normal when you have the opportunity to be AWESOME!?

      Don't ever be ashamed. You did NOTHING wrong and you have nothing to feel badly about. Everyone that has a problem with it can just hope on the bus to hell with the Nutcase Neighbors. You are amazing, you are perfect, and you have nothing to be ashamed of!

      I'm wishing you all the best in the world,

      *love and hugs*

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  12. So in the texts to Matt, you've got him responding to a message that never sent -- it's marked as failed. How's that work?

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    1. Honestly I don't know how that works. When it says "failed" on my end, the reciever usually ends up getting 3 or 4 copies of the text. I called my service provider a while back to ask what was going on and they gave me some long explanation about when I sent the text it must have failed from my closest tower and bounced off several other towers in the near vicinity. All I know is that when it used to say "failed" I would resend it until my friends were like "Eden why did you send that 9 times!?" Now I just wait and see if they respond

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