Thursday, August 14, 2014

I Burned My Vagina....AND IT HURT.


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Ok all my Facebook Fans, you guys voted and this post was unanimously voted on as the one you wanted to read today!  There were more private messaged in votes than public ones. What, we can't talk about vaginas in public? Sorry, don't forget I barely had parents so now I'm just a grown up heathen child! Either way, enjoy the post and I hope you are all able to get a good laugh at my expense!

Aren't I thoughtful?

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I’m sure I can’t be the only one that does this, but sometimes after a little fun with your partner, you need to freshen up a bit, am I right ladies?

Well a while back I found myself in that exact position...unfortunately this time the "freshening up" took a little twist for the....HOT.

Here, allow me to explain;

I am standing in the bathroom, debating if I need to take a whole shower or if some version of a washcloth wipe down will work, when I notice a small bag that I had haphazardly thrown on the bathroom counter earlier that afternoon. It was bag of free samples that the doctor had given me at my routine gynecological exam that morning and hey, who doesn’t like free stuff? I suddenly remembered that I had a seen a wet wipe thing in there while I was poking around in the bag, waiting for the receptionist to print my bill.

“Perfect!’ I thought to myself as I grabbed it out of the bag. I briefly looked at the front of it, read the words “personal feminine hygiene cleansing cloth,” ripped that baby open, and got down to business.

When I was finished I washed my hands, flipped off the light, started to make my way down the stairs, and wait….wait….something feels….strange….

I stopped for a minute, wondering why my lady bits were starting to burn while at the same time everything down there felt a little cold. I'll admit it, I started to panic a little bit.

This is not normal.

I stood there for a moment half freaking out and half wondering if this was some kind of strange nightmare before racing back up the stairs to ponder this situation behind the privacy of the bathroom door.

“Why does it feel like I have flaming underwear on with a few ice cubes hidden inside?”

“I must be allergic to something that was in the wipe” was the only logical explanation that I could come up with as my vagina was positively screaming “HELP!!!! We are on fire!!!”

What kind of “stop, drop, and roll” do you do for a flaming vagina? Somersaults?

Fire needs water, am I right? The next thing I know I’m in the shower bending every which way, trying to get the water to cover every millimeter of my lady bits, and you know what? It was not helping. Not helping AT ALL. NOTATALL.

I didn’t even know what to do at this point; it really is a little bit difficult to think logically when your fun place is burning down. I got out of the shower where I found myself hopping around in a towel while doing some strange version of the potty dance. My girly parts felt as though I was literally sitting on the stove burner and at the same time had an icicle tampon in (which doesn’t make any sense seeing as how my nether regions didn’t actually ingest the wipe).

“What the hell was in that thing?” I said aloud as I rifled the package out of the trashcan and flipped it over to read the ingredients.

“Personal feminine hygiene cloth helps soothe the effects of menopause with extended cooling effects. For use on neck, arms, and chest. DO NOT USE IN INTIMATE AREAS.”

I am so stupid. I had just reduced myself to the epitome of the idiot that needs warning labels. “Do not dry hair while in bathtub. Do not iron clothes while on body.” Yep, that’s now me. Wonderful. This really was a new low for me, I’ll admit it.

The main ingredient was alcohol. Alcohol my ass, that sucker was a blow torch in a deceptively small package. I kid you not I was 100% convinced that scar tissue was going to seal my fun place shut forever; that is if I had any skin left down there after the flames had been extinguished.

So there I am, dripping wet, using a hand mirror to try and fan out the flames of hell, screaming into a towel so as not to alert the man so innocently watching TV on my couch, and wondering how many medical procedures it was going to take to fix all the damage that I had surely inflicted upon myself.

Can you actually call an ambulance for a vagina burn? Is that something that would be covered by insurance? Let me tell you, I came very close to finding out the answer to that question.

Also, I would like to point out that they were NOT lying about the extended “relief.” That shit burned for nearly 13 hours straight.

For the next two days I wore nothing but an icepack, granny panties, and a skirt. Thankfully everything eventually went back to normal down there but unfortunately I had to sacrifice my hairdryer, as it eventually shorted out while being used on the “cool” setting for an extended period of time. I never did get up the courage to tell my boyfriend how stupid I was, but for the next two days every time I shuffled past him, walking as if I had been riding a horse for too long, I’m pretty sure I saw a glimmer of proud accomplishment in his eyes.

Had to put a heart there, seemed a little too up close and personal for the internet!

Moral of the story? Don’t rub anything on your lady bits that wasn’t made for rubbing on lady bits.

You’re gonna want to trust me on this one.



35 comments:

  1. Why was that picture necessary?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Its totally innocent! You can't see anything except her hips, she put a heart over the goods, it's funny and I liked it. You see more in a fruit of the loom ad. (straight female here as well)

      The fun place lives!

      Delete
    2. I thought it was funny and agree with anonymous #2, you see more skin in clothing ads these days.

      Great story Eden!!

      Delete
    3. The picture was necessary because Eden is an attention whore.

      Delete
    4. you seem to enjoy coming here to visit her. if you don't like the attention she's getting, take your jealous ass elsewhere

      Delete
    5. Aren't.we so brave with anonymous slander! Does your mother know you're in the basement trolling the grrown-ups?

      Delete
    6. Is someone actually offended by the fact that Eden posted a picture that shows her hips and a tiny bit of her stomach? Wow. That's crazy.

      Also, why are you here if you don't like the attention Eden is getting ON HER OWN BLOG. That you WILLINGLY came to, because you apparently LIKE her writing.

      Delete
  2. Haha! My lady parts were burned by jalapeno chips! My boyfriend had been eating some right before we started fooling around. He didn't wash his hands before he put them down my pants. It was horrible! I was laughing and crying at the same time cause it was funny that it happened. Every time I see jalapeno chips now I think of my ex.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha!!! I can't even imagine. Wait....I can. No thank you! Thanks for sharing!

      Delete
    2. That ain't sh3t...Imagine if he had just cut up a Serrano pepper that had turned orange and red. Now THAT'S some hot fingers! (I like hot stuff!)

      Delete
    3. Haha!!!

      I think I'll pass on that one, thanks!

      Delete
  3. Sitting here CRYING from laughter! This is right up there with this one:

    http://lightworkers.org/blog/34649/joke-hair-removal-a-must-read-just-toooo-funny-women-only

    Glad it went back to normal! Next time you might want to read warning labels first...or at least that's what my husband tells me LOL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha!! Glad you enjoyed. Yes, warning labels, a MUST!

      Delete
  4. I would also recommend that if you are the type to brush your teeth while showering to try to aim properly when is time to spit out the listerine. Yelling "OMGGG COMEEEE BLOWWWW ME" while your in laws are visiting seems to lead to some weird questioning.

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    Replies
    1. hahahahahaha. Well at least you were already in the shower with easy access to water!

      Delete
  5. This is hilarious!

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  6. I have no words.

    Only laughter.

    Eden, you never cease to amaze me!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Go peddle your crap somewhere else! I would think having that pos of an ex of Edens coming back would be the last thing she wants!!! On a different note, the post is just too funny! I will make sure I check all warnings! lol
    Your Internet Wing Sister, Michele

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That was one of those spam bots again. I deleted them, again. :)

      Yes, warnings are a must!! Heed my warning Internet Wing Sister! I need you in tip top shape!!

      **hugs**

      Delete
  8. "my fun place was burning down."

    HAHAHAHAH.

    Eden, I love you lol

    ReplyDelete
  9. Pardon me while I squeeze my legs together. Haha. Ouch.

    I'm with the Anonymous above me. The "My fun place was burning down" may very well be the best line I've seen you write. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha!! I'm glad to see that after ALLLLLL my inspirational quotes, it's my "fun place" burning down that is your favorite. Nice. lol!!!!

      Oddly enough someone emailed me saying almost the exact same thing as you did haha!

      **hugs**

      Delete
  10. Oh the inspirational ones are fantastic. I was just drinking a Pepsi when I read this and snorted it out my nose, haha. You are seriously funny. :)

    *hugs*

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  11. Oh my! Instructions, huh? Geez, sounds like we're in the same boat! This is why I read anything my children have to take 20 times before I administer...because I'm awful with instructions (ASK.MY.BOSS.) :)

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    Replies
    1. Ha! Yea, that was definitely not one of my finer moments.....

      Delete
  12. Aaaaand that's why in Italy we love our bidets so much! :D

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  13. Oh. My. Goodness. I just found your blog today and loved the post so much that I am reading everything. Anyway... I had this post open but hadn't read it yet so it was still up at the top where the title shows up in HUGE LETTERS. And then my copier rep came in and had to tweak something on the copier using the internet. My male copier rep. And when he opened firefox, that's what was front and center. :) Now that he's gone I finally got to read the post and I loved it. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHA!! Oh gosh, I had totally forgotten about this post. THE BURN!!!

      That's pretty funny. You should read my sex toy story post, it's very much like your copy rep story...

      Delete
  14. I burned my lady bits one time
    using a Nair like product. Apparently it will burn you if you leave it in too long. Ice bags in the panties helped.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! Yikes, that could not have felt good!

      I once helped a boyfriend Nair his chest and gave him a chemical burn. Oops.

      Delete