Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I May Be A Little Bit More Devious Than I Originally Let On...


I talk on here a lot about how awful my ex was, what a horrible person, and terrible husband he was, but with the exception of the post where I talked about the time I actually hit my husband, I don’t often talk about the times when I was mean to him.

In an effort to not falsely portray myself as the constant victim, I might as well tell you about a few of the times when I myself was a little bit evil.

Like the time I found his Facebook account up on the computer and logged on. I had known for quite some time that he was cheating on me, but I didn’t know with who or what the details were, I just knew that he was and come hell or high water he wasn’t about to admit it. The guy wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, but I'll give him credit, he covered his tracks well.


One day I got on the computer and for the first time ever found his Facebook account (the account he swore he didn’t have) up on the screen. Normally all his accounts were locked down tighter than the white house, but today was my lucky day.

I’m not typically a sneaky person, but hey, if the opportunity presents itself….

I took a look around his page, the “friends” that he had, and eventually made my way into his private messages, where all hell broke loose.

He had women all over the place. Pictures were being exchanged, phone calls were apparently being had, and from what I could gather, “dates” had been executed.

Here’s the funny thing though, according to his little Facebook life, I didn’t exist. Neither did his kids, his job, or pretty much any of the last ten years. Also interesting, none of the girls existed outside of each other, but get this, they were all married.

Yep, he was cheating on me with multiple other women, who did not know about each other, and their husbands did not know about him.

I can’t even imagine what my face must have looked like as I was reading through those messages. Well, clearly that was going to be way to much work for me to filter through and resolve, so I did the most reasonable thing that I could think of doing;

I “helped” him break up with them.

Collectively.

Via a Facebook group message with all the women cc’d in together.

He wasn’t there obviously, but I “helped” him type up a little message for his girlfriends. You know, speaking for him of course, "he" wrote “it is just becoming too much for me, trying to keep everyone straight. I wanted to clear the air and let you girls know about each other in case you need support. I thought the player lifestyle might clear some things up for me, but I finally came to realize that even having sex with a different woman each night, it is never going to be enough because what I really need, is a man.”

“He” then did the responsible thing and urged them all to get tested.

After that I promptly changed his default email, changed his password, and shut down his account. He never did confront me about it, because remember, HE WASN’T CHEATING.

That probably wasn’t the best idea seeing how after that, it drove him to craigslist to find his women….

But I digress.

Sometimes my evil little plans took a little more effort. At the height of his drug addiction he would pass out cold for hours in random places. In fact one night when my son was a newborn, I got up around 3am to get something from the kitchen. When I walked downstairs I found him in the living room, face down, and sprawled out on the floor exactly like one of those chalk body outlines that the police draw around a dead body in murder investigations. He looked dead.



I stood there for a minute; first for a second while my heartbeat returned to normal and then for another few seconds while I internally scolded myself for feeling a tiny bit of joy trying to creep up inside of me.

Eventually I walked over and sort of nudged him with my foot. He didn’t move. Was he breathing? I rolled his body over, narrowly avoiding the disgusting pool of drool on the floor, and…..nothing.

I seriously could not tell if he was alive or not. Finally I reached down and checked his carotid artery for a pulse.

Yup, still alive.

Because I am not inherently evil I tried to figure out if I should call 911 or just let him be. I know that might sound crazy to anyone who is not used to living with an addict, but overdosing and heavily sleeping often times do look very similar and at the same time look distinctly different; this wasn’t the first time I had seen this happen.

After I decided that he was in fact not overdosing, I was just pissed. Here I was, up all night with our newborn, and he was sleeping off the money he had blown for a good time.

Well if you’re going to lay in the middle of my floor where I have to step over you to take care of your children, at least don’t make me look at your nasty drooly face.

He looked disheveled, dirty, and just plain gross. So I, being the sweet wife that I am, decided to spruce him up a bit. I painted his nails, cut his hair, waxed his eyebrows, and just so that no one would mistake him for a woman, I drew him a mustache with a permanent maker.

The best part was that he didn’t notice for THREE days. THREE DAYS PEOPLE.

No wonder he looked so gross, clearly he was not utilizing the luxury that was our bathroom mirror and from the smell of him, he wasn’t utilizing our shower either.

Even better than those two plans though, were the times that required no planning or effort whatsoever.

My ex had false teeth. Years of drug use had crumbled them right out of his mouth and so at the age of 31 he got dentures. Well…he sort of got dentures. Thousands of dollars later he never went back for the final fitting and so what he had was a temporary retainer with plastic teeth glued on.
Plastic retainer teeth that he would take out after stumbling into our house, high as a kite, before he passed out somewhere; plastic retainer teeth that were just calling my name…..to hide them.




I mean come on! Your abusive husband is passed out cold, high as a kite on drugs, bought with money that your family needed; money that he spent while you sat home with his kids recovering from being raped. The man was lucky that all I did was hide his teeth.

90% of the time he didn’t know that I had hidden them and he wasn’t about to ask me where they were lest let on that he had been so trashed the night before (like he really thought I wasn’t going to notice), so he wouldn’t ask me at all. I would just watch him tear the house apart for the next several hours while he tried to retrace the previous nights (wobbly) steps.

A few times he would accuse me, hissing through his gums “Eden! Where are my teeth! I know you took them!”

Come on….it was a little funny. How many girls in their twenties get accused of hiding their husband’s teeth?

Not many that aren’t living in a mansion….

So there you have it people, my ex was a horrible, awful, terrible person, but I might just have a little evil streak in me as well.






Photo Credits:

58 comments:

  1. I love you. I would have Krazy Glued his false teeth to his head while he was passed out.

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    1. Ha! I should have glued them IN. Now that would have been hysterical and I wouldnt have had to look at them laying around anymore!

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    2. Yes hysterical indeed hehehehe

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  2. I love the mansion reference haha

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    1. Ha! I was wondering if anyone would get that joke or not!

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  3. You stupid bitch this is exactly why you got your ass beat. Sure you are laughing now, but were you laughing back then?

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    1. Probably! That was hilarious.
      Gotta have your fun, even when you live in a daily hell, fire and all.
      and this is coming from someone still in an abusive situation.

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    2. Yeah, I have to agree. I'm calling B.S. on the whole story; Eden has a tendency to lean towards hyperbole, but this time she totally crossed over into full-blown territory.

      You had me going for a while there, Eden, but you can't sell us a bill of sale saying that you were raped, beaten, married to an addict, abused, but you still had the fortitude to draw on his face, etc. It's completely disingenuous to offer a tale like that. You can't play the victim and the antagonizer cards. You're either one of the other.

      Women who have been abused aren't going to go out of there way to cause trouble, if anything, we go out of our way to prevent trouble and beatings.

      You crossed the line, Eden and you just lost yourself a reader because you've become totally unbelieveable to me now.

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    3. Hooray! Now the rest of us won't have to listen to the both of you with your constant bitchiness. Have a great life!

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    4. I'm not sure what you're referring to, I've never said anything "bitchy" until today.

      And I'm sorry for you, if you're obtuse enough to believe a story from a woman who claims that she was so terribly abused, but yet took opportunties to PROVOKE her husband into attacking her by hiding his teeth, shaving his eyebrows, drawing a mustache in permanent marker. Oh - and it just so happens that he didn't notice it for three whole days.

      I take issue with someone sells herself as the victim and accepts donations from strangers and then posts a blog post like this where it all totally unravels and I feel, as one of her former readers, that she's been exaggerating her situation all along.

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    5. Oh wait a minute, I'm sorry here, is there only one type of woman that is allowed to be abused?

      I think Eden did a damn good job not killing the guy. So she had a little fun with him, well you know what? I do the same damn thing to my abuser! I know I'm gonna get my ass beat no matter what I do so I might as well have a little fun with it!!!

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    6. Take all the issue you want. We're all grown ups here, and we make our own decisions. It's not your job to decide for the rest of us whether we should or should not believe what Eden says. Many anonymous commentators have bitched that Eden presents a one-sided story, and now when she presents the other side, you still bitch. Nothing is ever one-sided, and it's never easily placed into one category or another. No marriage, no matter how awful, is 100% bad, nor is it 100% good. There are always ups and downs, highs and lows. It is not for you to arbitrarily decide that because Eden did things that YOU wouldn't do, that she's lying or exaggerating. People the world over do all kinds of things for all kinds of different reasons that don't make sense to people on the outside looking in. So go away already, life your happy life as a "former reader," and let the rest of us enjoy our time here because we choose to be here.

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    7. Whoa! This was crazy to read. That's ok, you don't need to believe me, losing a reader won't kill me.

      I only "provoked" him, as you say, in things that I knew he had no recourse on. Lose his teeth? Happened all the time when it had nothing to do with me and it was always a 50/50 shot that I was going to get blamed for it anyways, so I might as well jump in there and have a little fun myself!

      The makeover I gave him? Got that idea from his druggie friends. They would all mess with each other when the other one was passed out. For all he knew, he came home like that!

      I totally did the Facebook one though. Scorned wife, I don't care. The guy could have given me HIV. If he wants to be pissed, bring it on bc I gaurantee I was ten times madder than he was.

      Now that I think about it though, please, go ahead and read someone else's blog. Anyone who thinks that playing jokes on their cheating drug addicted husband is cause for her to get beaten, IS NOT WELCOME HERE.

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    8. This is what I HATE!!!! Why on earth would you condem Eden for goofing around with her abusive husband? YOU are what is wrong with people that silence abused women! You put the blame on them and take away their voice. This guy was cheating on her and lying passed out on her floor. She doesn't do anything but have some innocent fun with the situation and SHE provoked him? What the hell is wrong with you??

      When I was in my abusive situation, I was going to get beaten no matter what I did. If I didn't dress right, walk right, breath right it was MY fault. Sometimes I did provoke him just so I felt like I had a voice. So that I felt like I had some measure of control in the situation. If I was going to get hit anyways, I at least wanted to make it worth it. You seem to think that abused women have no voices. Many times people don't know that someone is being abused because they aren't a quiet person; because nobody would believe that the loud mouthed girl was getting hit at night. You are confining victims to a stigma that furthers the silencing of the others. You make them think they aren't being abused because they had a hand in it. Couples fight all the time. If a woman starts an argument and ends up being the one who gets hit, is it her fault?

      NO. You don't hit people. PERIOD.

      THANK YOU Eden for breaking the stigma that is abused women. We do still have voices. They may be time little nail painting voices, but sometimes it's the only way we know that we are still in there.

      I applaud your creativness and I really liked this post.

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    9. I think it is telling that all those who criticize what you say are always "anonymous", as if they are too cowardly to post with their real name. Not that all of those that post anonymously are that way...some are really great....but those who ARE nasty are ALWAYS anonymous! Cowardly jerks in my opinion!

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    10. I'm currently physically abused and I'd totally do the things eden did if I could.
      You can not blame the victim. The thing is, we're gonna get hurt no matter what we do. Be good, be bad, it's all the same to them.
      Guess what, my husband slammed his body into mine, put me onto the ground and smashed his fist into my face just this morning. When all was said and done, he damn near broke my jaw, he left marks across my face, arms, and legs, and damn near made me black out. When I refused to hit back, he said he was just going to kill us both. I waited and when he didn't get his gun, I went about my fucking day. Do you know why? Because this is a regular occurrence. For women who are abused, it doesn't matter what you do.
      Do you want to know exactly what I did to 'deserve' this? He asked me to wake him up at 7a, earlier than normal. When I did, he asked me to wake him at 8a because he was too tired. I didn't say anything and I came back at 8a. After he woke up, he came after me blaming me for all that is wrong in his life and attacked me. It doesn't matter what I do or don't do, I get blamed for all that there is to blame.
      Every single time I've been hit, hurt, or otherwise belittled, I have not done anything to provoke it. All of his ranting is associated with how something he did was my fault. How I'm not good or I don't deserve something. Every. Single. Time. I'm smart enough to try to figure out what the antecedents are and stupid enough to believe it was me. I became the perfect wife. I take care of his business, 100%, I do every single thing he asks of me, I keep our house clean, I work from home, I homeschool my kid, he does not lift a finger or do a single thing around here, I cook every meal, and he gets whatever materialistic good he could ever hope for. Guess what? In becoming the 'perfect' wife, i didn't do a damn thing besides give up myself. the abuse has increased and now he is stealing money from our accounts and cheating on me. Ya, blame the victim but even when we do everything right, we still get abused.
      It's equivalent to saying a woman should not go outside at night because she might get raped and if she is raped, it must then be her fault.
      A man, a nonabusive man, will not hit (or otherwise hurt) a woman regardless of the reason, antagonizing or not. I've known many men and many couples where the wife does far worse to her husband then what Eden described and yet were never once touched like that.
      And no, getting out is not an option. Last time i ran, his friends helped him find me (he's got lots of them) and I was dragged back at gunpoint and he's made it clear that next time I won't get the chance to come back. And you know what? I'd rather live here as long as I can, because I have a higher chance of survival WITH my abuser then I do running. Sad but true. If I could totally get back at him, I would. And I have hid his handgun multiple times when he's left it out at a scare tactic.
      And if you haven't noticed, I've about given up on caring about the abuse. He has broken me and he controls every aspect of my life.
      -M

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    11. To the last commentor, my heart breaks for you :( It's a sad day when you realize you have given up, isn't it? I felt the exact same way; I'd rather live here and LIVE for as long as I can than die leaving. I won't sit here and tell you that you have options and help you figure them out because I trust that you know your situation better than I do, BUT, if you decide it's too much, I will help you any way I can.

      In the meantime, please feel free to email me if you just want to chat. I promise I won't try to "force save" you or anything. Sometimes it's just nice to relate with people who understand. Plus...I'm fairly witty so if you are having a bad day I can cheer you up. :D

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    12. Hang in there, Anonymous. You're not alone, and if you're ever ready, there's a lot of help out there. And if nothing else, we're here with and for ya. *hugs*

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    13. I'm trapped in an abusive situation. My husband is not on drugs, but if he were and he passed out like that, I would hide his phone, shave his head, and tattoo a fucking mustache on him and then make him think someone else did it.

      Eden had an advantage in the fact that he husband was a drug addict and as she said was always getting messed with by his friends and losing things while he was high. As an abused wife I will tell you that I 100% would use that to my advantage just for a little revenge. As so many others have stated on this thread, I'm going to get hit no matter what I do so I might as well make it worth it.

      It is your close mindedness that is boxing us victims in and making other people not be able to see us.

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    14. I'm sorry to hear you haven't made your way out yet :( I'm glad that you have us to chat with though :)

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    15. Trolling is still trolling even if they act high and mighty. The troll was obviously being inflammatory saying "you lost a reader" and "you deserved it." You could at least be more original, troll, since Eden has had those kinds of things said to her all her life. I feel sorry for you that your only outlet for your bitter ramblings are other people's blogs that are supposed to help others HEAL.

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    16. It's sad isn't it? Not for me, I couldn't care less if an internet stranger hates me, but it's sad to think they would target a place where people outside of me are trying to heal :(

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  4. My husband is abusive and I know he's been cheating for the past several months.
    The most i've done is hide his handgun that he would put on the counter and leave there just to upset me. Kids in house, handgun-loaded with a round in the chamber. I'd hide it and he's so unorganized and immature that he wouldn't figure out for days if he left it in the car, garage, or house. Last time it took him close to a month to finally ask me. That wasn't to be cruel tho, that was because it was a safety issue and he was doing it on purpose.
    -M

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    1. Yikes I'd hide the gun too! I know NOTHING about guns, but is there a way to like, I dunno, "break" it but make it look unbroken when you put it back? So that you know it won't actually shoot you? Then if he ever really does try to shoot you, you will KNOW that it's time to get the hell out!

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    2. I honestly don't know enough about guns to be able to figure that out. I think i can dismantle it or something, but he has plenty and he just keeps getting more and he always replaces his with more powerful ones, so I'd rather just stick to what he has and hope he doesn't trade it for something even worse.
      -M

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    3. Ah, well, that sucks :( In that case, I will be thinking of (and praying for) you girly! Don't forget to email me if you want too!

      notmyshametobear@gmail.com

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    4. You can always take out the firing pin. The make and model of a gun is always stamped somewhere on the frame. Then google "how to dismantle an XYZ", and you'll get a ton of videos. Once you know how to do it to one firearm, it's pretty easy to do it to any firearm. Just sayin'! As long as you keep your finger off the trigger, and always point the gun in a safe direction, you'll be safe. Just sayin'.

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    5. My heart is breaking in pieces for the women commenting who are still in abusive situations. I also disagree with the commenter who said marriages are never 100% bad or 100% good. Marriages/relationships can be 100% bad. I was in an abusive relationship and there was nothing good or redeeming about it or my abuser. Not.one.single.thing. It was 100% terrifying and horrific.

      I never pulled revenge pranks on my abuser, I was too busy living in mortal fear of his beatings and brutal rapes. I dreaded being in his presence at all times.

      Please, if you're in an abusive relationship, call a hotline for abused women. Contact a shelter for abused women and children. They can help you work out an escape plan. If there are children involved please, please get help to get them out of there and away from the abuse.

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    6. I have to say I disagree with both of you. I think that most marriages are not 100% but some definitely can be. There is no right or wrong answer as to how someone handles their abuse.

      I replied to your other comment downthread.

      I hope you are doing a little better now and wish you luck and happiness in the future.

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    7. I guess I should have said I DO agree with BOTH of you. That makes a little more sense!

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  5. Sometimes is the petty little revenges that get you through. Ask John Bobbitt about that......Love this article, Eden! :D I'd say what you did was pretty minor, all things considered. Also, it's hilarious.

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    1. Hehe. Sometimes happiness is in the details ;)

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  6. Oh gosh Eden, I am screeching with laughter! Good grief I love you girl, you are always the pick-me-up my day needs!

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  7. True confession time here, too. My abusive ex-husband was pure evil. Soooo.....after a particularly awful night (I called in sick after he left for work), I decided it was time for me to get a tiny bit of revenge.

    That morning and every morning after (until we packed up and left), I scrubbed the inner lip of his toilet with his toothbrush. The only clean-up I performed was to remove any obvious particles. Yup, that disgusting piece of shit was brushing his teeth twice daily with, yup, his own........LOL

    Obviously, there was no kissing going on in that house long before that and never again. hahahahaha I hope his married girlfriends enjoyed that mess,too. Every bit of it.

    Eden, you are always good for chuckles that soothe the soul. Keep on going, sweetie!

    Much love and many hugs from the East Coast

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    1. HAHAHA OHMYGOSH I am dying. Lol!!!!! That's pretty awesome.

      Thank you so VERY much for sharing lol!!!

      *hugs*

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  8. Eden...you are the best. Hugs to you! xxxx

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    1. I will happily accept those hugs and send some right back to you!

      *hugs*

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  9. There were definitely things I did to my abusive ex... So glad I found this blog! No one gets it except my current husband(and he's getting a bit worn out from it all...) he's so good to me and don't want to wear him out too much! I'm only 2.5 years past leaving my ex. And only 1.5 years since leaving the mess I got into when I left my ex... Healing definitely happening and I am so much healthier and happier now.... But still have a ways to go!

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    1. I'm glad you found us too! We are a fun (and nutty) bunch!

      I'm so glad to hear you got out and found a better life <3

      *hugs*

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  10. Good for you! Anyone who thinks those of us who have been abused are perfect angels are totally clueless fools. I certainly pushed and slapped my abusive ex sometimes, but that's a tad different than choking me, throwing me through doors and dragging me around the house by the hair. I'm with you girl. Keep on keepin' on!

    Big Hugs!!!

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    1. The hair! So pretty....so dangerous. Ugh I hated that!

      *hugs*

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  11. My husband was extremely abusive, knocked me unconcious a few times, had multiple battery charges that had nothing to to with me. I used to throw away his clothes and then angirly ask him where all his clothes were going, just to make him think he was going crazy. hehe

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    1. Hahaha, that's brilliant!!

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    2. That made me laugh so hard!
      -M

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    3. Ha!! I love that we are breaking the stigma of the abused wife. Just because we are smaller doens't mean we have to be any less clever!

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  12. As a woman who was in a highly abusive relationship, I really cannot relate to this post or understand the levity of some of the comments. There is absolutely nothing clever, humorous or empowering about being in an abusive relationship. I suffered horrendously and existed moment to moment in a torturous situation where I was repeatedly threatened, verbally trashed, beaten and brutally raped. In essence, I was a prisoner of war and a terror victim. My entire existence was a living hell. Although many years have passed since then, I still deal with the repercussions every day. I can never look upon that time of my life with humor or levity. It makes me cry to think about it. .

    Please, if you're an abused wife, gf, partner, or mom, seek help from a shelter for abused women and children. They have hotlines you can call. These people and places exist solely to help you get out. It's what they do. It's what they're there for. It's their mission in life. You're not alone.

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    1. While I can appreciate your perspective and certaintly sympathize with your situation, everyone is different. Some women fall apart and never recover (rightfully so, I mean no disprespect), some women rebound, some turn to drugs to numb the pain, others shove it down so deep that they effectively move on as if it never happened (with some possible future issues to resurface).

      Just because you feel a certain way about your situation, and again by no means am I saying that you should not 100% feel the way that you do, you do not get to judge how someone else dealt with their situation. We are all different women reacting differently and in our own ways.

      My personal opinion? Eden lived through hell in her childhood. It unfortunately allowed her to cope in somewhat of a better manner in her adulthood. By no means does that lessen what she went through, I think that she was just better equipped at compartmentalizing and disengaging from it. It may have hurt her just as much, but she is so used to disconnecting from her life that she was better able to allow other feelings, such as feelings of humor, shine through along with her terror.

      I wish you all the best and I thank you for pointing out the resources that are available, but please don't shame your fellow survivors for not being exactly like you.

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  13. I love this post!! THANK YOU!!! I was never the quietly abused wife and I think that's what took me so long to leave. People have such a stereotype that every abused woman must be this submissive crying ball, but really, like the other women said, I got whacked just for breathing. I knew that no matter what I was going to get smacked around every. single. day. so if I had to passive aggressively fight back to keep my sanity, then that's what I was going to do. Does it lessen the fact that I got raped? No. Does it lessen the fact that he knocked my teeth out? Hell no. But what it did was allow me to hang on to the tiniest peice of me that wanted to fight back.

    THANK YOU

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  14. This makes me feel as bad as I do when you described his abusive behavior. I think it's that even the worst things you describe doing still pale in comparison to his actions.

    Also, the comments toward the top disgust me. Why would anyone think an abuser's behavior excusable if it's a response to a prank, but an abused partner's behavior is inexcusable if it's anything other than noble suffering? I know this is a supportive blog and all, but seriously, fuck that noise.

    I don't know if this is something most abused people feel, but when my ex pushed me around and stuff, it felt like a huge violation. Every "I love you" is a lie when someone is physically trying to hurt you. I've never been cheated on (that I know) but I think the violation of trust is a similar feeling.

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    1. Very well put.It drives me batty that people think there is a "one size fits all" personality for abuse victims. Like we must ALL be completely silent and withered by fear. Now some are and I absolutely had phases of my life like that, but there were times when I was feeling....braver....in my actions, but that certainly didn't lessen the wrongfulness of his!

      Yes, it is a violation. When he pushed you he violated not only your personal boundaries and respect, but the commitment he made to you as your partner; to love you. While his "i love you's" may have rung true to him, he simply wasn't capable of loving you in an appropriate manner so hearing them does feel like a lie, because it almost kind of is. Love doesn't hurt. Enough said.

      Sending you BIG *hugs*

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