Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Even More Conversations That I Did Not Think I Would Be Having This Week


Remember the post "Conversations That I Did Not Think I Would Be Having This Week?" Well not to mention that this week I found myself talking to all of you about the time I burned the hell out of my lady bits, but this week overall just seemed especially strange in the conversation department. So now, for your reading pleasure, I bring you a sequal to "Conversations That I Did Not Think I Would Be Having This Week."

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On Monday I got pulled over for speeding. I had actually just put my foot on the brake to slow down because I thought *maybe* I was in a construction zone, but there were no workers, no equipment, no signs, just a few of those orange barrels with the reflectors. I saw those, looked at my speedometer, realized I was going 55, put my foot on the brake, and saw the cop pull out behind me.

DAMMIT.

He came to the window and said "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?"

Because I have a big mouth and I cannot lie to save my life I replied back "probably because I was going 55 in a construction zone."

"Ma'am, this is a construction zone and the speed limit is 30. I'm going to have to write you a $750 dollar ticket. License and registration please."

CRAP.

I hand him my cards, he lowers his sunglasses, and I blurt out "Hey! I know you!"

He looks at me for a minute and says "yes....how do I know you? You look familiar."

"You came to my house after my ex shot my window. You climbed under the bed with my daughter when she was scared and hiding."

"It's you!" He exclaimed. "How have you been? Is he giving you any more trouble?"

"Eh, nothing I can't handle" I replied.

"He handed me back my license and registration and said "take care of yourself and have a nice day."

Again with the blurting stuff out I said "you're not going to give me a ticket? I was totally speeding, I'll admit it. I mean I really didn't know that I was in a construction zone, I mean come on, where we live we can all recognize construction but that area is a bit questionable to me, but yes, technically I was speeding."

Sunday, August 24, 2014

"Caution, Things Are Not Always As They Appear"


Ok, bear with me here, you will see where I am going with this eventually. Promise.

I recently had to give all of my grocery shopping receipts to Mr. Attorney Man as a part of my continuing court case with my ex. I hated it because it felt really invasive, but there was no getting around it. As I was stapling them together I was sort of looking through them and I was struck by the fact that everything was not really as it appeared to be.

Often times, large chain brands will have a smaller, organic, and allergen free line, but the register rings it up under the generic category label that has been assigned to the entire brand.

For example I repeatedly noticed that I had purchased "queso dip," "tortilla chips" and "pizza." Because of a health issue my kids are on a high protein, gluten free, and mostly dairy free diet and the daycare needs me to pack their meals for them. The "queso dip" that I purchase is actually a bowl of organic/GMO free beans, cilantro, onion, peppers, tomatoes, and vegan cheese. It's high protein, a good source of vegetables, easily packable for a daycare snack, and straight up good for them. The receipt though, reads as if I had been continuously buying jars of cheese. "Tortilla chips" were on there multiple times, but nowhere on the receipt did it state that these "tortilla chips" are actually a mock version made of organic lentils that have been flattened and oven baked to create a healthy, crunchy, high protein item to accompany the "queso" dip. The organic, frozen, Greek yogurt, protein bars were listed on the receipt as a "frozen ice cream novelty," and I noticed "pizza" on there a few times which actually made me laugh out loud. If I invited any of you over for a "pizza" and I served you a "pizza" that consisted of a grain free crust, tomatoes, onions, spinach, and no cheese, you might be a bit taken aback by what was in front of you. Nevertheless the receipt says that I bought "pizza" so that must be what you would be expecting to be served, right?


I made my kids "ice cream sundaes"
I made them by smashing an organic banana, mixing it with Greek almond yogurt, and freezing it for an hour. I made the "syrup" topping by drizzling smashed organic blackberries on top. The "gummies" are semi dried organic goji berries and the "sprinkles" are chia seeds. Tons of protein, vitamins, and antioxidants, but yes, I feed my kids "ice cream sundaes," sometimes even for breakfast! ((gasp!!)) In each one I stuck a high fiber, organic, gluten, dairy, and grain free  carob chip cookie.
My point here is that things are not always what they appear to be on the surface.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Things That Make You Ask "Why?" Part 8

It's about time for another edition of "Things That Just Make You Ask Why?" courtesy of Eden's phone!

Why do rental cars always come with both keys locked together? I mean really, what good does that do me? "Oh man, it really sucks that I lost my key, but at least it won't be lonely since I lost the spare one with it."


Eden, why did it seem like a good idea to move this chair down the stairs by yourself? Compliments of my Facebook page.


Sunday, August 17, 2014

I Talked To My Ex

So I was basically a bitch for three days straight last week, I'll admit it. I'm not kidding you, if you stepped in my path you were probably going to catch a nasty attitude from me. You know that look that girls sometimes get that says "if you talk to me I might kill you?"

I wore that look for a solid three days straight. I hadn't felt that way since the time that "I flipped the fuck out" and screamed at my ceiling like an absolute crazy person.

For three days straight I went to bed feeling annoyed, I woke up feeling annoyed, and no matter what I did I just couldn't seem to shake the feeling. I was irritable, prickly, and just plain vile to be around.


I really can't say that I enjoyed it!

What set me off? Well first off I'm just feeling plain old overworked. We have our first big fundraiser coming up for the nonprofit and I will admit it, I am in WAY over my head on this one. I simply cannot figure out how I am going to get everything done that I need to get done and it's really starting to wear on me.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

I Burned My Vagina....AND IT HURT.


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Ok all my Facebook Fans, you guys voted and this post was unanimously voted on as the one you wanted to read today!  There were more private messaged in votes than public ones. What, we can't talk about vaginas in public? Sorry, don't forget I barely had parents so now I'm just a grown up heathen child! Either way, enjoy the post and I hope you are all able to get a good laugh at my expense!

Aren't I thoughtful?

*******

I’m sure I can’t be the only one that does this, but sometimes after a little fun with your partner, you need to freshen up a bit, am I right ladies?

Well a while back I found myself in that exact position...unfortunately this time the "freshening up" took a little twist for the....HOT.

Here, allow me to explain;

I am standing in the bathroom, debating if I need to take a whole shower or if some version of a washcloth wipe down will work, when I notice a small bag that I had haphazardly thrown on the bathroom counter earlier that afternoon. It was bag of free samples that the doctor had given me at my routine gynecological exam that morning and hey, who doesn’t like free stuff? I suddenly remembered that I had a seen a wet wipe thing in there while I was poking around in the bag, waiting for the receptionist to print my bill.

“Perfect!’ I thought to myself as I grabbed it out of the bag. I briefly looked at the front of it, read the words “personal feminine hygiene cleansing cloth,” ripped that baby open, and got down to business.

When I was finished I washed my hands, flipped off the light, started to make my way down the stairs, and wait….wait….something feels….strange….

I stopped for a minute, wondering why my lady bits were starting to burn while at the same time everything down there felt a little cold. I'll admit it, I started to panic a little bit.

This is not normal.

Monday, August 11, 2014

I'm Not Paying For That


Remember that post "Make Money Makeover" where I made money by making over my bedroom? Well when I bought the dresser for my new bedroom, I was there with a friend who was buying a few pieces of furniture herself. As we were heaving and hauling our pallet cart up to the register and discussing if we should put something back because of her budget, an Ikea employee asked if we needed any help.

I looked at him for a minute and then it dawned on me.

"Oh good, I was hoping we would run into someone because I actually needed to speak with a manager."

"Sure ma'am, I'd be happy to help you with that, what did you need?"

"Well you see, my friend and I are buying all these things and to be honest, it's just slightly over our budget. I don't want to have to put back this $200 table, this $100 coffee table, or this $150 dresser for the $50 that we don't have, so would you mind asking him if we could get a discount since we are buying so much?"

Six minutes later he is ringing up our discount at the register.

Did you guys know that you can haggle anywhere? Like seriously, anywhere. Now I don't make it a point to haggle for everything I buy, but hey, if you see an opportunity, why not? I'm never pushy, I never argue, if they say "no" I thank them politely for their time, but I never fail to ask, and usually, they have no problem throwing in an extra bonus or a discount.

So I was thinking, since I already told you how I used my body in order to get a better deal on an appliance, I figured that I could tell you about the time I used my brains to get a better deal on my car.

Almost exactly a year ago my ex caused some fairly expensive damage to my car, a car that my church had so generously just paid off a month prior. My options were to pour several thousand dollars into a six year old car; a car that still had problems from a previous accident with a botched repair job, or to start shopping for a new car on virtually no budget. I felt horrible knowing that my church had just put so much money into my car and I wanted to make sure that the money wasn't completely wasted. I did some research, looked at the facts and statistics of different dealerships, explored used vs. new options, and then I came up with a plan.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Well That Was An Interesting Turn Of Events


So….in an interesting turn of events;

I'm pregnant.

Just kidding.

Haha. Did anyone's heart stop a little bit? Was that mean? I kinda thought it was funny.

No, I am most definitely not pregnant, not unless I am birthing a sibling for Jesus, in which case no angels have ascended upon me and told me of this glorious news....so I'll feel a little bit cheated out of the experience if that's the case. I am however, so very proud of myself.

Here, allow me to explain.

So, Piano Man and I, well… you guys….

As I told you in the post "I Just Don't Even Know Where To Start," Piano Man was trying so hard to get to know me and I, I just kept backing away. The more he did for me, the higher my wall went up. The closer he tried to get, the further I ran away. Well it didn't get any better. In fact, it got to the point where he would just ask me a question and I would burst into tears.

Exhibit #1