Monday, August 31, 2015

Having A PTSD Crisis Here...

So this morning I texted Mr. Attorney Man to let him know that my Order of Protection expires in a few weeks. Renewing it was something that I had been somewhat pondering but mostly just pushing out of my mind, and I wanted to at least touch base with him and see what it entailed before I really let myself get too worried about it.

His response was absolutely not what I was expecting.


Friday, August 28, 2015

Sorry, You Caught Me On A Bad Day



A few weeks ago I chaperoned a daycare field trip to a laser tag arcade.

The minute I walked in the owner of the place latched onto me like a creepy ass leech. We weren't even there ten minutes before this guy was telling me how beautiful I was (not even a compliment, I guarantee he says that to many people), trying to help me put on and take off the laser tag vest, and just generally being weird. At one point he offered me a job because he said he would love to spend some time watching me.

WATCHING ME.

ALL KINDS OF SPINE SHIVERS ARE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

No, I do not want a part time job that high schoolers have just so that I can hang around with your creepy ass all night.

NO. THANK. YOU.

The other teachers? They thought it was hysterical! It probably had a lot to do with the fact that in order to just shut the kids up so that he could talk to me, he was handing them buckets of tokens, giving them drinks, and letting them play as many games of laser tag as they wanted. At one point he even rigged one of the games so that The Girl Child would hit the jackpot.


Then even after she won he gave her every single thing she laid her little eyes on in the prize cabinet.

When it was finally time to leave and after practically peeling this man off of me, I was about to walk out the door when I realized that I had lost one of my earrings; an earring that I was sure had been torn off as this guy manhandled the laser tag vest on me despite my protests of not needing help.

In the split second that I had to think about what I was going to do (since the kids were already on the bus), I gave him my phone number and asked him to text me if he found it.

Yes, I'm not stupid, I knew he would probably take advantage of that (which he did), but I figured that after I got my earring back I would just block his number.

He found my earring but in the end I decided that going back wasn't even worth it.

Blech.

SHUDDER SHUDDER SHUDDER.

So when this happened just a few days later, sorry dude, but you caught me on the wrong day.

I'm the peach blurb







Yea... so that happened. Sorry dude, like I said, you caught me on a bad day.

You could have at least offered to buy me dinner first.


***********************


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Tuesday, August 25, 2015

On Losing My Anonymity

We were in the car, all six of us, a few girls that I knew and a couple that I didn’t. We had been in the car for a while when somehow the topic of Botox came up, which immediately segwayed into the topic of plastic surgery. As the girls were commenting on what they considered would be "going to far," eventually the conversation turned to me. I laughed and then said “well hell, I don’t know what kind of judge I would be, I’ve already had a nose job!”


I then braced myself because I knew exactly what was coming next.

Every single head in the car, with the exception of the driver, turned around in their seat to get a better view of my nose.

They all do it, every single time; anyone who has just learned that I had a nose job. They want to see exactly what it looks like — judge the work if you will — and in doing that they most often judge me. I can see it in their eyes before the words even start to stumble out of their mouths. It usually starts with something along the lines of “…..oh… well… wow. I mean it looks great! You can’t even tell… I never would have guessed. I mean no one would ever know.”

And that is just it.

When it comes to nose jobs, people assume that you would never want anyone to know. They assume that having plastic surgery on your face is something that you would be ashamed to admit, that maybe you don’t want anyone to know that you are now “fake pretty” — that you paid to look like this.

There seems to just be something inherently shameful about admitting that what people see might not be the “real” you.

Plus, there’s something culturally shameful about admitting to being vain and that’s the only reason people have “nose jobs,” right?

I get it. I 100% get it.

If you remember, I had the surgery done to correct a nose that was first broken when I took a knee to the nose as a child — a break that literally shoved my entire nose upwards and instantly created a large bump. It was broken several more times over the course of my lifetime and eventually settled leaning off to the left side of my face.

Friday, August 21, 2015

OH. EM. GEE. NO!!

The Girl Child had curriculum night at her school a few nights ago. Because they didn't want a bunch of kids interrupting the teachers and parents, the school had a drop-off classroom where kids could stay and watch a movie; both of my kids were excited to go.

There were two sessions that night and I ended up being the only parent that showed up in my daughter's class for the second session, which you know, totally rocked because the teacher and I got through everything really fast.


Unfortunately it wasn't fast enough though, because when I got back to the drop-off room The Boy Child was just coming back from the bathroom, by himself. 

The teacher, probably not having any idea otherwise, had sent my just-turned-4 year old down the hall, by himself, to find a bathroom.

Not. A. Good. Idea.

The Boy Child didn't share in my opinion though and was pretty excited to tell me that not only did he get to go wandering around all by himself, but he had gotten to use the men's room for the first time ever.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Pole Dancing For Beginners (And My First Blog Video!)

Well....

My friends and I took that pole dancing class that I was telling you about.

And before I even go on, let me take a minute to clarify something because I think some of my readers have been a little confused as to what I am talking about when I say "I teach strip dance."

The classes that I teach, as I've said before, are taught to sexual assault and abuse survivors in an effort to help them reconnect with their bodies and reclaim their sexuality. This is done in a supportive group setting with a heavy counseling twist, but to get into the literal technicalities of what they are physically learning (aside from anything with an emotional aspect), I teach a combination of dance and strip tease.

Imagine what you might get if you got into the bedroom and someone put on some music and decided to give you a sexy little dance (maybe a lap dance) while they took off their clothes in a teasing/suggestive manner. That's what I teach.

So pole dancing, this was new for me!

THIS WAS BRAND NEW INFORMATION FOR ME HERE PEOPLE.

It was SO. MUCH. FUN!!! The studio was pretty much exactly like what I would have expected, you know, if I had any idea of what to expect. I've never been to a strip club in my life, let alone a pole dancing class, but in terms of decor I'm going to go ahead and say that it was bang on! It was very dark and sultry with a definite twist of feminine empowerment.


Friday, August 14, 2015

Sick Children, Crazy Ex's, Disowned Family Members, And A Really Creepy Bug!


My friend "The Supermodel" and I took our kids to the zoo.


The biggest attraction came during lunch when we found a crazy looking caterpillar.


To say that we were interested yet terrified would be the understatement of the century.

At one point The Supermodel got him to cling onto a stick and when she swung him in my direction I must have broken an Olympic record the way I (from a seated position) leapt over our table and escaped to safety.

No freaking way was I about to let that thing touch me!! Even the kids were flipping out as is evidenced by my friend's screaming son.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

The Domino Effect (OH GOSH MAKE IT STOP)


My water heater broke.

Not nice water heater, not nice.

Now I know what some of you might be thinking (those of you who have never had the unfortunate experience of having a water heater go out on you), "oh well good thing it's summer and super warm outside, it would suck if that happened in the winter!"

Well I'm here to tell you, IT DOESN'T MATTER.


The water was just as damn cold now as it would have been in December. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that it's coming from like 10 feet below ground, but it wasn't just cold, it was ARCTIC style frigid.

It was so cold that even though I was determined to get my morning shower in (trust me, no one wants to see my un showered hair in the morning), I ended up sitting on the side of the tub and giving myself a sponge bath. It was just so cold that I couldn't even get in.

It was so cold that I hurt my neck.

True story.