Wednesday, October 19, 2016

...And Then A Squirrel Pooped On My Face

I'm not sure how many of you were around a few years ago, but back in 2014 I shared my horrific ridiculous tale of attempting to visit several pumpkin farms, with the goal of snapping the perfect fall photo of my kids.



But if you do remember, it didn't go well.


Unless of course by "going well," you mean needing to pry a bee out of the Platonic Husband's hair with a stick, nearly being run over by a horse, the kids falling into a burr bush, possible poison ivy, and a corn maze that involved a near rescue effort and the abandonment of clothing.

I lean towards the understanding that when you consider all of that, it means that it did not go well.




But two years later, the insanity crisp fall air began to set in and I had mostly forgotten about that near death experience adventure filled trip to the pumpkin farm, and I had a thought that sounded something like this: "Hey, wouldn't it be great to get some fall pictures of the kids at a pumpkin farm?"



And thus I found myself trekking out to the pumpkin farm with my Platonic Hubby, (and her hubby, and my guy, and all our kids) so that we could take the world's most adorable pictures of our kids.


Friday, October 14, 2016

I Felt REALLY High


Hey everyone!

I'm sorry it's been a little quiet around here. As many of you probably know, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and as the founder of a DV organization, October tends to go by in a blur of awareness events, meetings, and speaking engagements, and this year has proved to be no exception!

In fact, I have a speaking engagement in less than two hours and I haven't even written my speech yet! I'm literally sitting in bed, in my underwear, writing this, because I felt bad leaving you all hanging for this long.

But, since I don't have a ton of time, I'm just going to update my email subscribers who do not follow me on Facebook, with the articles that they may have missed out on, that I wrote but ran elsewhere.

"5 Things I'm Just Going To Go Ahead And Apologize To My Kids Teacher For Now" is a little rundown of all my parenting failures, and why I feel my child's teacher might need a heads up!

"Why I'm Not Going To Tell My Daughter What The Doctors Say About Her Prognosis" really surprised me when it went as viral as it did. It ran one day and the next day appeared on Good Morning America, ABC News, and then was written about in Daily Mail, Independent Journal, and the list goes on. It was a bit strange reading the comments from people who were confusing "diagnosis" with "prognosis" (and thought that I was hiding my daughter's health condition from her), but nevertheless it did spark some interesting debates! It really is weird though to see which articles tend to flop and which tend to take off; the results usually surprise me.

"The Day I Served Detention For My Daughter" was an update to the story I brought you two years ago, when my daughter got in trouble for something that I did, and the principal threatened to call the police on me.

"I Park In The Handicapped Spot Even Though I Can Walk Just Fine" was a bit tough for me to write, and after it published I had a bit of a panic attack wondering if I had gone a little bit too far this time. It's funny the things that with everything I don't mind sharing with the world, there are still a few odd things that I prefer to keep to myself...

Oh my gosh, I need to get dressed and get out of here!

One last thing before I go! Last weekend, after working near round the clock for a couple weeks on end, The Guy convinced me to go out for a drink and try to unwind.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

The Truth Will Set You Free


A couple weeks ago on a Saturday night, I picked up the phone, and to my shock, horror, and surprise, there was a Facebook message from the woman that I believed my ex was cheating on me with during a portion of my marriage.

That would make her the woman that he was cheating with, before the woman that he was cheating with and left me for.

Does that make sense?

Hopefully, because we are moving on.

I almost hesitate to write about it because the timing of it coming right after my resolution to let go of the anger, most likely makes it seem completely staged, but it wasn’t. It really happened and if you care to stick around and hear about it, sweet deal, and if you don’t want to believe me, then you can mosey on along and it’s no sweat off my back.

But anyway, years ago when I was still married, my ex had everything electronic in our house on lock down. I couldn’t use the desktop computer without him unlocking it, he had his own laptop that I could never get into, and he had his phone locked and refused to ever let me use it.

Then, one night while I was sitting there nursing our son and paying some bills, I asked him to get my phone so that I could use the calculator. Being too lazy to actually get up and get it, he, for the first time ever, unlocked his phone and handed it to me.

Now everyone knows that the first time someone gives you access to something that you have been never been allowed to access before, that the smart thing to do would be to earn some trust by proving that you can be trusted, and not snoop.

Too bad I never do the “right” thing.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Another Round Of "Why On Earth Would I Buy That?"

I had so much fun writing the "Why On Earth Would I Buy That?" post during Christmas, that I decided to do another one. Are you guys OK with that? I just feel like I come across so many strange things for sale, that I really want the rest of you to agree laugh with me that you would never buy that are unsure of its purpose.

Like this for example

I mean... really? REALLY? Because when I see this toilet, I see two things in your future: A divorce, or a codependency diagnosis.

Seriously, don't get your wife a double toilet, get her the most romantic card that you can find, like this one that I saw on sale last Valentine's Day:

I really just have one issue with this card: Everyone knows that "shiv" is a noun and the verb should have been "to shank."

Don't get me this card mkay? The grammar would kill me.

I'm just sayin', if you're going to sell something, use your words to come up with the best sales pitch that you can think of, like this person that I saw selling a basket on a local sales site:

He's right. With all those possibilities, how could you not want to buy his ginormous basket?

And if he hasn't sold you, or the price was too high ($999 was a bit steep), maybe this lady will because her sales pitch, if anything else, is unique.

You had better hurry, there's only seven nasty ass drinks left!

But don't worry, if you happen to miss out on the free drinks, I have something that will still brighten your day! Do you hate washing dishes?

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

You Deserve Better Than Settling

“What you want, and what you are willing to do to get it, are drastically different things. You need to decide if you are simply just wanting, or if you are really, truly, willing. Because you can say all day long that you want something, or that you want to make a change, but unless you are willing — right now in this moment — to take the steps that are necessary for that change, then you are forever going to be left simply ‘wanting’.”

My nonprofit has such a long waiting list of clients right now, that they far exceed the services that we have available. So for now, a lot of our clients are meeting with me in what I’m calling “support sessions,” since I can’t legally counsel anyone (and they know that I’m not a licensed counselor, it’s fully disclosed, and they meet with me at their own risk). But it was last week in the middle of a session, when I found myself telling a client that they need to choose "willing" over simply just "wanting," when the hypocrisy of my words hit me in the face so hard that I was barely able to finish the session with her.

I am a hypocrite.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

I'm So Angry!

Last week I was sitting in a left turn lane when a car attempted to pull out of a right-turn-only business exit, and make a left turn.

She didn’t make it.

She hit the back of my car, backed up, made a u-turn, and drove away. By the grace of God there were no other cars around, so I was able to make a legal u-turn and follow her to where she got stuck in traffic at a red light.

After snapping a picture of her license plate, I pulled into the lane next to her, beeped the horn, and motioned for her to pull over.

She laughed, basically flipped me off, and sped away.

Not wanting to kill myself while entering a high-speed chase down a very busy road, and unsure of what I would even do if I caught up with her (is it legal to run people off the road? I’m thinking probably not…), I simply pulled into the next business parking lot that I came across, and called the police.

The 911 dispatcher was all over it from the second she answered the phone. “What color was the SUV? Which direction was she traveling? What was the license plate number?” and within minutes an officer had pulled up next to me in the parking lot.

For the first time, I got out of the car to survey the damage she had done to my care, and I’m embarrassed to admit, it wasn’t much.

Whomp whomp.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

They Just Never Stop Talking

I swear, my kids have been extra weird lately. Like not even the "typical" weird that I've gotten used to and come to expect, but a whole new level of weird that I was not even aware existed until recently.

Allow me to explain:


After catching sight of a male friend's hairy legs (it's finally shorts season!), I overheard The Boy Child asking his sister if she thought our friend was turning into a monster.

It's moments like this that cause me to realize what the lack of testosterone living in our house has done to The Boy Child.



I was putting my makeup on and very intently looking in the mirror, when The Boy Child came to the door and asked "Momma, will you put batteries in these?"

Turning to see what toys he was referring to, I was greeted by this: