I was three. I sat inside my room listening to my "dad" drill a hole for a chain lock he was putting on the outside of my door. I remember sitting on the floor, wondering why no one loved me. I thought maybe I could pretend to be a dog. People like dogs. Dogs live in cages, its not that unusual. Right?
But I wasn't a dog. I was a forgotten child. Locked away like a dirty little secret. I pressed my ear to the vent, I could hear my mother downstairs watching "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous." Drinking the ice tea I had seen sunning on the deck earlier.
Was anyone coming back for me? It was getting dark. I looked at the closet. Monsters live in closets. Would anyone notice if a monster got me? Did they even remember that I was up here? It was dark now. The room, so many shadows. So scared.
The closet seemed safer. I climbed in and shut the doors. The darkness was smaller in there. Not as big and scary as an entire dark room. Stifling and hot, encompassing and enclosing.
The dark empty closet, held my tiny body, kept me safe.
It was the closest that a scared, small, child would come to a hug.
Monsters are real. But sometimes, they live in houses. Not in closets. Sometimes, the innocent live in closets while the monsters roam free.
Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/60113700@N04/
I feel like you're going to find me jumping around on your blog a lot, and I'll be leaving comments as I go. This is powerful, and I'm not sure how to explain why. I feel like it's kinda lyrical like a poem, a dark and beautiful poem.
ReplyDeleteThank you! The memories are so shattered at this point, that they feel like strange dreams. I have a couple other one's that are written and I'm probably going to release this week, so stay tuned :) You can become my first follower if you want lol.
Deleteagreed Hailey
DeleteWhen I was working 611 phone repair on the graveyard shift one night I got a call from a girl who misdialed 911. Her foster family was doing the same thing... locking her in a closet all day every day. She finally worked up the courage and will to sneak out and call someone who could help but ended up with me. She was so scared and I was the first kind voice she'd heard in so long that she wouldn't let me go or transfer her to actual 911. I managed to connect her to the local police and stay on the line with her and them until I heard them say 'There's a car outside for you. You'll be safe now.' She didn't even hang up. Just let it fall and I heard the door slam shut and the dispatcher letting me know she was safe and thanking me for my time.
ReplyDeleteI got yelled at a lot working at the phone company, but combine all of that and nothing haunted me nearly as much as that one call. It was one of my first visceral experiences with the dark side of humanity. I wish I knew for sure she was doing well... I'm glad you got out and are safe now :)
You probably saved her life. You rock!!
DeleteI truely hope the scum bag(s) that did this to you are being brought to full justice for such a heinous act on a child. I hope you are given every opportunity to speak with persons or professionals who will help you manage all the stress you have been through so you may be able to one day put this all behind you and live a life you want to live. I also commend you for be so open with this whole situation, I pray it may be almost therapy like for you just being able to discuss thus in many aspects as others read your story and comment here as well. All the best for you from the many of us here at Reddit.
ReplyDeleteAw, thank you so much :) I was in therapy for quite a while, but recently "graduated." I love you Reddit people!!
DeleteI read your first post about how your mom didn't want a girl. They should really ask people "So, are you hoping for a boy or a girl" If they express a preference, "what will you do if it's the opposite?" If they answer "Well I was just thinking about locking it in a closet for a few years" their baby just gets taken away at birth and doctors should just tell them the baby died, and oops your fallopian tubes were heavily damaged and you are now infertile.
ReplyDeleteOh gosh lol!!!
DeleteBravo!
Deletepersonally, i think being able to identify this attempt at light-hearted humour and respond to it positively is a sign of how far you've come from being the kid locked in a closet. nice one.
ReplyDeleteI think these days, its either laugh or cry, so I might as well laugh!!
DeleteIm glad for you, you sound like your back to the right tracks :) I wish well for you and your children. And damn everyone else to hell.
ReplyDeleteThank you!!
DeleteSo how were you when this was all discovered? How did that happen, and what was it like when someone finally came to get you?
ReplyDeleteAll very good questions! I hate to pull this line, but.....you can read all about it in my book! Gotta save some things for later ;)
DeleteI hate that your parents did this to you. It blows my mind. Do you still have a relationship with your siblings?
ReplyDeleteI do not, another story for another post lol
DeleteNo, I don't :( They got older, and since they were younger then me, their memories faded. They didn't endure the abuse, so they have a hard time understanding what I went through
ReplyDeleteThey know, trust me. People tend to act like they don't remember sometimes because of the pain and/or most likely guilt of not having said anything to anyone for you or not having been abused themselves.
DeleteMy mother denies things she did to me but I remember things from when I was 5 like they were yesterday. People use time as an excuse for memories fading a lot but you just don't forget things like that.
I tend to agree with you. It made me so angry for so long, but I finally decided that I just needed to let it go. I needed to let them go. I didn't want to become that old bitter woman, and bitterness stems from years of anger hardening you. I just needed to accept that I knew the truth, and at the end of the day, that is all that matters to me.
DeleteI think what you said is something I need to do. Is let them go. I'm bitter towards my parents and although people have always told me to forgive/forget, etc, I think what you said is right on the money. "Let them go"
DeleteOh you don't have to forget. I am not one to hold grudges, but I do however, remember facts. Forever. Lol. Don't forget, but don't continue to let it have hold over you. Easier said then done, lots or reminders and self affirmations later, you will get there!
DeleteThere is a psychological term for people who deny things that have happened- it's called gaslighting. Typically, gaslighting is utilized to make the victim second guess themselves and their reality. Here is a link about gaslighting: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gaslighting
DeleteYou know, I had never even heard that term until starting this blog, but my gosh can I relate....
DeleteThat is fucked up. Seriously, that is FUCKED up
ReplyDeleteAgreed
DeleteYour writing is incredible. I haven't read anything so very moving in a really long time.
ReplyDelete"Sometimes, the innocent live in closets while the monsters roam free." This is both beautiful and sad at the same time. This is moving on a whole other level. Well said.
ReplyDeleteThank you Trevor :)
DeleteI get silly excited when I know someone likes what I have written hehe. So thanks for sharing ;)
DeleteYou're welcome, but it's the absolute truth. It's like a line of of a Steven King novel. It conveys so much emotion and imagery.
DeleteAlthough the darkness it comes from is heart breaking, but it appears you're on the right path now or at least can see it from where you are.
Eden, this was a difficult post for me read.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could have come out of your closet, as the most beautiful magical fairy you've ever known, gave you a big hug, changed you into a fairy too, and together, left through a crack in a window, and went on our way to the most wonderful adventure ever.
Nathalie
xoxoxox
Thanks hun :) Sounds marvelous.
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