Key Components To a Kick Ass Weekend

Step#1
Have a guy friend over to watch like five movies on the couch and make him bring enough food for a snack buffet. Even though it’s totally innocent, still make him park two blocks away and sneak in the front door so that the neighbors don’t see, just in case he doesn’t go home (for innocent reasons people!). Also, sneak take pictures of him for your blog.

Step #2
Wake up Saturday morning to a five year old kissing your cheek and telling you how beautiful you are. Decide to have a pajama pancake dance party. Invite all the kids in the neighborhood for dancing and pancakes, but only if they come in their pajama's.  Dance with kids until they are giggling so hard you fear they might throw up.

Step #3
Find this picture that you drew when you were 10, and wonder why you have never drawn anything since.

Resort instead to making things with the girl child that look like this:

Step #4

Make tasty things like chili

And muffins

Step #5
When your friends call and say that that they're dragging you to an open mic karaoke competition, where “we” (aka "you") are going to compete against a few hundred other people to win a cash prize, agree to go. Even if you already know where this is heading, as this may or may not be the first time you have agreed to plans like this with them. Heck, If you don’t let your friends blatantly use you and exploit your vocal chords every once in a while, what kind of friend are you? Even if you get there and it goes exactly like you expected, where “we” competed, singing song after song and climbing the bracket (possibly only one of us was actually singing, the rest may have been just swaying in the background and raising the roof), at least you can all walk away with this: (Next time I should let significantly less people sway in the background so that we don't have to split it 97 different ways)

Which may have been the reason that when everyone gets back to your house, they take your kitchen from looking like this:

To looking like this:

Step #6
Wake up Sunday morning to a five year old whispering directly in your face “Mom. Its 5:57. Can I do some science in my room?” Reply that its way to early to even figure out what that means, but judging by the mere name of it, you are going to have to go with a negative on the room science. Be thankful she is old enough to entertain herself (sans room science) and go back to sleep since you only went to bed two hours prior. Then, let the guy who is now hiding under your bed get back into the bed. Remember to lock the door. Take a moment to be amazed at his ninja like reflexes for instant hiding. Look around your room and make sure that both of you remember NOT having sex. Make up lame excuse as to why you are taking a picture of the misleading evidence.

Step #7
Feed your children strange food like this for breakfast

And things like coconut curry chicken for lunch

Step #8
Listen to the girl child say things like this:

                “Mom, I understand what you are saying, but I don’t think you get the point that I’m trying to make.”

             “You can’t find your glasses? Maybe they are in the sheets from when you “dressed” your bed. I will feel around with my sense of touch and make a projection as to whom will find them first.”

“I’m only 5 years old, why are you treating me like this!” (when asked to brush teeth AND (gasp) pick up her shoes.

Realize you need to curb your language when you think it would be funny to sneak up on the girl child and scare her, but realize it’s not so funny when her response is to jump, gasp, and then say “You bitch! You scared me!” (Ok, maybe it was a little funny. But not appropriate)

Step #9
Rub two year old boy child’s back while he is falling asleep for nap. Try to talk to him in soothing tone until he looks at you and says “I seeping (sleeping). You! Stop talking to me.” Vow to let him spend less alone time with the girl child.

Step #10
Leave the kids with a sitter and meet a guy for an early dinner date. Wonder if it’s ok to be so totally attracted to someone’s teeth.

Step #11
Bake cookies and have family movie night in a giant pillow pile on the living room floor. Make sure to include lots of giggles, snuggles, and claims of “you’re the best mommy ever!”

 Step #12

Put the kids to bed and enjoy a little “American Horror Story” in exactly this fashion:

While watching the sunset like this

 Step #13

End your day by realizing you may be in some sort of strange sexually abstinent pseudo lesbian relationship with your best friend, when one of your 5,657 daily conversations with her goes like this:

Her: "Hi Love! I’m just driving home, I have no energy.”

You: "Aw sorry babe. Did you take the iron pills we decided you should start?"

Her: "Shoot, I forgot! I’d never remember anything without you. What are you doing?"

You: “I’m just laying on my couch in my pajama’s. Long day.”

Her: “You need a glass of wine hun. Oh, are you wearing the cute one’s with black and pink that we bought together?”

You: “You nailed it! I’m so tired, I’m going to get ready for bed. I’ll text you when I climb in to say goodnight.”

Her: “Ok honey, talk to ya soon.”

You: “I just realized, we sound like we are married.”

Her: “Ha! Oh gosh, we totally do. Go get ready for bed sugar lips.”

You: “Ok love muffin.”

Step #14

Consider the weekend a success, climb into bed to write this post, and plan to fall asleep thinking of every ecard you have ever read that reminds you of why you hate Mondays.