Sunday, November 17, 2013

Key Components To a Kick Ass Weekend



Step#1
Have a guy friend over to watch like five movies on the couch and make him bring enough food for a snack buffet. Even though it’s totally innocent, still make him park two blocks away and sneak in the front door so that the neighbors don’t see, just in case he doesn’t go home (for innocent reasons people!). Also, sneak take pictures of him for your blog.





Step #2
Wake up Saturday morning to a five year old kissing your cheek and telling you how beautiful you are. Decide to have a pajama pancake dance party. Invite all the kids in the neighborhood for dancing and pancakes, but only if they come in their pajama's.  Dance with kids until they are giggling so hard you fear they might throw up.

Step #3
Find this picture that you drew when you were 10, and wonder why you have never drawn anything since.




Resort instead to making things with the girl child that look like this:




Step #4
Make tasty things like chili
And muffins



Step #5
When your friends call and say that that they're dragging you to an open mic karaoke competition, where “we” (aka "you") are going to compete against a few hundred other people to win a cash prize, agree to go. Even if you already know where this is heading, as this may or may not be the first time you have agreed to plans like this with them. Heck, If you don’t let your friends blatantly use you and exploit your vocal chords every once in a while, what kind of friend are you? Even if you get there and it goes exactly like you expected, where “we” competed, singing song after song and climbing the bracket (possibly only one of us was actually singing, the rest may have been just swaying in the background and raising the roof), at least you can all walk away with this: (Next time I should let significantly less people sway in the background so that we don't have to split it 97 different ways)

Which may have been the reason that when everyone gets back to your house, they take your kitchen from looking like this:

To looking like this:



Step #6
Wake up Sunday morning to a five year old whispering directly in your face “Mom. Its 5:57. Can I do some science in my room?” Reply that its way to early to even figure out what that means, but judging by the mere name of it, you are going to have to go with a negative on the room science. Be thankful she is old enough to entertain herself (sans room science) and go back to sleep since you only went to bed two hours prior. Then, let the guy who is now hiding under your bed get back into the bed. Remember to lock the door. Take a moment to be amazed at his ninja like reflexes for instant hiding. Look around your room and make sure that both of you remember NOT having sex. Make up lame excuse as to why you are taking a picture of the misleading evidence.




Step #7
Feed your children strange food like this for breakfast

And things like coconut curry chicken for lunch


Step #8
Listen to the girl child say things like this:

                “Mom, I understand what you are saying, but I don’t think you get the point that I’m trying to make.”

             “You can’t find your glasses? Maybe they are in the sheets from when you “dressed” your bed. I will feel around with my sense of touch and make a projection as to whom will find them first.”
“I’m only 5 years old, why are you treating me like this!” (when asked to brush teeth AND (gasp) pick up her shoes.
Realize you need to curb your language when you think it would be funny to sneak up on the girl child and scare her, but realize it’s not so funny when her response is to jump, gasp, and then say “You bitch! You scared me!” (Ok, maybe it was a little funny. But not appropriate)

Step #9
Rub two year old boy child’s back while he is falling asleep for nap. Try to talk to him in soothing tone until he looks at you and says “I seeping (sleeping). You! Stop talking to me.” Vow to let him spend less alone time with the girl child.

Step #10
Leave the kids with a sitter and meet a guy for an early dinner date. Wonder if it’s ok to be so totally attracted to someone’s teeth.

Step #11
Bake cookies and have family movie night in a giant pillow pile on the living room floor. Make sure to include lots of giggles, snuggles, and claims of “you’re the best mommy ever!”




 Step #12
Put the kids to bed and enjoy a little “American Horror Story” in exactly this fashion:


While watching the sunset like this
 Step #13

End your day by realizing you may be in some sort of strange sexually abstinent pseudo lesbian relationship with your best friend, when one of your 5,657 daily conversations with her goes like this:

Her: "Hi Love! I’m just driving home, I have no energy.”
You: "Aw sorry babe. Did you take the iron pills we decided you should start?"

Her: "Shoot, I forgot! I’d never remember anything without you. What are you doing?"

You: “I’m just laying on my couch in my pajama’s. Long day.”

Her: “You need a glass of wine hun. Oh, are you wearing the cute one’s with black and pink that we bought together?”

You: “You nailed it! I’m so tired, I’m going to get ready for bed. I’ll text you when I climb in to say goodnight.”

Her: “Ok honey, talk to ya soon.”

You: “I just realized, we sound like we are married.”

Her: “Ha! Oh gosh, we totally do. Go get ready for bed sugar lips.”

You: “Ok love muffin.”

Step #14
Consider the weekend a success, climb into bed to write this post, and plan to fall asleep thinking of every ecard you have ever read that reminds you of why you hate Mondays.


14 comments:

  1. I'm officially obsessed with your blog!

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    1. Haha!! Love, love, love. That's pretty awesome :)

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  2. I know the whole point of your last post was to not judge someone from the outside looking in. But it's really hard to believe, after these photos, that you go to bed hungry and can't afford socks. Just sayin.

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    1. Its ok, you are entitled to your opinion :) If you noticed, I said in my post that I let my friends keep the money bc they do so much for me. If they chose to spend it on a party, that is their prerogative. The food came from the food bank, its close to Thanksgiving, so it was the thanksgiving give away or whatever you want to call it, which is why we lived it up food wise that weekend. The woman at the pantry knows we are on gluten and dairy free diets, so she sets aside all the specialty items that come from a local health food store, for us in a box. We are blessed to have her. I'll admit, I bought the berries and the almond milk though. But you are free to judge me all you want. I'd like to pass a few judgments on you myself, but I won't, bc you may be a very nice person, even if a bit uninformed.

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    2. Don't feed the trolls. The "anonymous" trolls.

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    3. True story. What is the point of trolling?

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    4. NotMyShameToBear is anonymous, amiright?

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  3. Whenever i read about ur son saying here, words like seeping( sleeping actually), i feel like listening to his voice, would be very cute and adorable, it would be nice, if u actually post atleast a voice recording mp3 of his cute words in a blog post...though, you may felt awkward, by ur daughter's words, it would be nice for her,that there is some worthy memories in her childhood, to recall in later part of life,...

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    1. Hi! Ok, so I've been thinking about this for a while and I need to say something.

      I'm getting a little overwhelmed at your comments. I LOVE that you have found a blog that you can relate too, and I LOVE that everyone comments here. I love reading suggestions, and I love hearing the opinions of others, but you are overwhelming me. 15+ comments a day asking for mp3 recordings, pictures of my kids, sending me unwanted and sometimes rude advice such as my life would be better if I had stayed with my parents and planned before I left. Ending your comments with "If you care about me, it would be nice of you to reply." Telling me that I should have learned self defense to defend myself from my attacker and that I need to write a post about it for others. Posting the same thing on multiple topics about ways that I can make money. Asking about the dweeb face post, by posting on three different topics about him, even though I keep giving you the same answer, that we broke up. Posting in several spots that I need to index all my external links, which I have replied that I don't know how to do that. Asking me questions that are prefaced with "I haven't read the post yet, but.....?" Posting five times that I need to not have hatred in my heart towards the neighbors.

      I am happy that you are enjoying the blog, but please for the sake of my sanity, stop asking me to do so many things for you. I am not putting pictures, videos, or sound recordings on this blog. I am not teaching women how to fight with their abusers. I'm not changing the blog layout. And I don't have time to keep answering questions for things that you aren't taking the time to read for youself.

      I would love for you to stay and read. I hope you find some healing here. But with that being said, I am going to start deleting your comments if they continue to be requestful, rude, or overly suggestive.

      Thank you

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  4. Nothing better than an excellent weekend...and that sounds like an absolutely excellent weekend...Not sure why Monday has to come along and ruin it all ;)

    Nathalie

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  5. Oh yeah, meant to ask who the woman was in your drawing (an amazing drawing btw...I'm 38 and can only draw stick people).

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    1. I drew that when I was way, way, younger and I am pretty sure I couldn't do it now. It was just some lady in a magazine ad I was visually copying lol

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    2. still pretty amazing...;)

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