Monday, November 18, 2013

Yes, This Actually Happened. Unfortunately.

Yes people. This ACTUALLY happened.

I seriously have the weirdest dates. Like the time that I showed up and it was WOMAN who was dressed as a man, but clearly, not a man. Now I'm all for gay/lesbian relationships, I just don't want to be in one. I'm a little partial to parts that are permanently attached to a man. Preferably one with amazing teeth and an awesome sense of humor. Or there was the guy that spent the entire date talking about how he usually only dates woman over 50 because they are kinkier and how he videotaped his "date" last week. Ew. Just Ew. There was also the guy that told me on our first date that he was a sex toy designer and asked me if I was a customer. Or the guy that asked, on our first date, if he could lick my feet. "Um..do you have a foot fetish?" I asked him. "Oh! You have heard of us!" he exclaimed. "Us? Like, is there a club or something? Do you get like a t-shirt or free socks?" He was not amused. Sometimes I am a little smarter and I dodge the bullet before it actually hits me, like when I got a picture text message from this fine lad: (I blurred his face for privacy reasons)



"Sup Girl. Your friend showed me a picture of you and gave me your digits. I'd love to cook dinner for a sexy gurl like you. Hit me back and lets do this thing."


Now I took into account the circa 1980's headphones, the fact that he has enough product to stock a gas station toiletry aisle, and his sexy indoor sunglasses, and I responded appropriately:

"Hey man. I'd love to, but I think you are just way to cool for me. Peace out Brotha."

So anyways, a couple of weeks ago a friend wanted me to go out with a guy she knows, and after three weeks of arm twisting, I finally agreed to go just to shut her the hell up.(Seriously, friends, stop setting me up. I have no cats, I am not 65, I don't want your pity dates. I know that you aren't reading my anonymous blog, but I'm really doing fine without you!)  Anyways, for the purpose of this post, I'll call this dude .....Sparkles. I have no real reason as to why I chose that name, but I couldn't think of anything else and this is sort of a fluff piece anyways, so why the hell not.

So we meet for dinner and Sparkles starts out by asking me the standard date question. "Do you like to go camping?" Seriously. What is with every guy wanting to go camping? I'm all up for adventure, I'll try anything at least once, and I do love the outdoors, but why do you all feel the need to sleep outside? "Hey, you know what might be fun? If we go rummaging around in the dirt, touch a bunch of worms so that we can catch fish, pluck their eyeballs out, cook them, try not to choke to death on a bone, get eaten by 800 mosquitoes, and then, when we are all dirty and tired and digesting bones, we can snuggle together inside a tent an enclosed umbrella while sleeping on rocks and hoping that bears don't eat us! Doesn't that sound like fun!?" No....just....no.

"So....define camping," I say to him. "You know, camping!" He says. "Well, if by 'camping' you mean sleeping in a nice hotel with a big picture window overlooking a beach, well then yes, I love camping" I reply. He stares at me. I stare at him. We stare at each other. Well this is going great.

The waiter is weird. Like weird in a creepy sort of way. Like I'm pretty sure he was hiding somewhere in the corner abusively applying chapstick and staring at us. We decide to leave.

We are sitting outside and Sparkles asks me if I want a massage. A massage? Like...here....on a bench? But, because I am stupid a risk taker, I am somewhat intrigued as to how this bench massage works. So, I say "Hell yes, sign me up for that plan." And so Sparkles starts massaging....MY HEAD. My head people. Fingers like all up in my hair, rubbing my head. Mind you I am FACING him which just makes the whole thing even more awkward. What do you even do when someone starts squishing your head? I'll tell you what you do. You avoid making eye contact with anyone walking past you. You keep blowing hair out of your mouth. You pray that the phone rings and one of your kids has thrown up and you need to IMMEDIATLY leave. Just when I thought I might actually get up and run away, Sparkles starts playing with my hair. Like running his fingers through it, twirling it around his fingers, and petting me like a puppy.

I cannot even imagine what everyone walking past us must have been thinking.

It can't get much worse then this right? Oh no HA HA HA, don't kid yourself! So Sparkles asks me if I have a hairbrush. What the hell Sparkles, what on earth are we doing here? Have you been laid...like ever? Because I can assure you, this is not how it works. So I seize the opportunity for escape and say "Oh yea, I do, but its at home, where I should be going.... to....now.....," and then I stand up and start walking towards my car.

He sprints ahead and stands at my car door. Crap. Sparkles wants a kiss.

"Ok, well, thanks so much for dinner," I say while trying to avoid eye contact and any and all forms of human interaction. But then...I break protocol, and I look up. IDIOT. Why the hell did you look up!? He leans in at lightening speed and I turn my head at lightening speed x2. Sparkles rams his mouth into my ear. My earring punches into my head. I reach up and touch it. Its bleeding. "Dude," I say. "You came in with force buddy, you gotta watch that!"

Sparkles looks sad. I feel bad.

"I'm so sorry, let me see" he says. I pull back my ear, and FREAKING SPARKLES TRIES TO LICK MY BLEEDING HEAD. "Whoa, whoa!" I say. "I was just going to get that for you," Sparkles replies. And with that I jump in my car and peel out of the parking lot.

I'm pretty sure I didn't run him over.

But...if anyone is missing a vampire names Sparkles....I know nothing.

30 comments:

  1. I am laughing so hard I am crying. Literally crying

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  2. Holy crap I would not know what to do if I had to start dating again....maybe Sparkles watched a little to much Twilight!

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    1. Haha! Maybe he should retreat back to the forest or wherever those twilight creatures live. Never did watch that one....

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  3. The one thing Twilight was actually good for: Making the creepy guys we go on dates with that much more painfully obvious.

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  4. I think this actually tops my weird experiences. Impressive (though not in a good way). I'm laughing and horrified all in the same moment.

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    1. That's a great way to put it lol. I am absolutely laughing and horrified at the same time. Could you imagine us on a double date with your experiences and mine!?

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  5. LIGHTNING SPEED X2
    HAHAHHAHAHA
    WHY ARE YOU SO GREAT

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  6. Dude's a freak! OMG is dating hopeless everywhere??LMAO. Cats are much better company!

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    1. Lol, at this point, cats are where I'm headed!

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  7. That was absolutely hilarious. I think I need to invest in your archives.

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    1. HA! It was funny. And I would probably find it funnier if I wasn't actually there lol!

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  8. I can't help being embarrassed for Sparkles...

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  9. I once had a guy who tried to stealth-chew my fingernails in a movie. Finally admitted it was a fetish of his. Whoo, girl, the stories we could exchange over a good bottle of cheap wine ...

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    1. Oh my gosh!! No way!! What did you do!? Yes, please come over. I'll get the wine. :)

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  10. OK, so I've never dated...yup! Dude...I couldn't handle bad photos like that...but it seems like an adventure to date :) How did I end up having 2 kids with a deadbeat guy without dating you wonder (OK, you probably weren't wondering that at all)...I'll tell you why...because I didn't date :)

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    1. Hahaha! Oh my gosh, that is actually really funny :)

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  11. Oh man you just made my day. I have had a crappy morning and landing on your blog has brighten me up. Thank you for that. LOL

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    1. Aw, I'm sorry that you had a bad day, but I'm glad you were able to get a few laughs over here!

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  12. That is SO crazy! Like, what kind of person thinks that is attractive AT ALL??? Or apropriate behavior ever?! What is up with your friends hooking you up with weirdos??

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    1. Seriously, could you please give my friends a talking-to?

      And no, NOT ATTRACTIVE. Creepy. Very, very, creepy!

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  13. ha ha ha..This was hilarious... I m just really getting into this blog... love your writing style... its just amazing the way you put the words together....

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  14. lol, Sparkles sounds like a pretty weird dude. I'm not sure how you remained as calm as you did. It is funny how some people can act so alarmingly strange, even though they just met you.

    It took my wife weeks to figure out how strange I am. :)

    Seriously, massages are fine... just not on a park bench and not when you first meet.

    Common sense isn't that common.

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    1. So very true lol, common sense isn't that common. I should have that printed up on business cards or something to hand out to men I don't ever want to see again lol!!

      Too funny about your wife comment though, I love your humor!

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  15. Hahaha!! Why did you call him Sparkles? Did he wear a lot of glitter or something?

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  16. Um, just FYI, the "woman who was dressed as a man but clearly not a man" was probably a TRANSGENDER MAN. Transgender men are men. They are not women. You, of course, have every right to prefer dating men who are male from birth, and to have a sexual attraction to only those men and not transgender men, but please do not misgender them as "women", because they aren't women.

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    1. Either way, that person should have had the decency to be upfront with Eden. If someone wants to change genders, fine, change genders, but don't pull other people into it if you aren't going to be upfront with them. Eden should not have been misled into going out with a TRANSGENDERED MAN if she wasn't told up front.

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