Saturday, January 18, 2014

Embracing The Unwanted

Once again, I'm typing with one eye swollen shut so forgive any spelling and grammatical errors.

If you read my last post, you probably know that my surgery hit some complications.

So, I had a lot of plans for my days off. I was going to finish writing my book, enjoy some comfy time on my couch with snacks and movies, and enjoy the peace and quiet.

REALITY CHECK.

Or, what I could really be doing, is nothing. NOTHING. Even though I am taking no pain pills what-so-ever, not even a tylenol, my brain feels like scrambled eggs. I can't even make it through a tv show without losing the plot line. I can't read with ONE eye open, I have medical glue literally coming out of my eyes and nose so that's fun. I can't breath. I can barely open my mouth so forget eating.

So what am I doing instead? Well, it took me four hours to write that last paragraph.


I'm missing my 5 year old girl child and the crazy things she says. Her room is so empty.



I'm missing my 2 year old boy child, the one who's crib I climb into at night and snuggle with.


I'm missing little boy and girl child toys scattered about the playroom



I watched my bed go from this....

Good thing I already had this pic from another post!

To this pimped out bed, complete with ugly blankets safe for bleeding on, the couch cushion with a towel over it, and two humidifiers. And yes, I still sleep with my pink baby blanket, which is obvious in both photo's. Judge me all you want, I LIKE it!



I have a nice view from the bed, of the right side of my room,



and the left side of my room.



It's exciting really.


I've been watching it snow



and have been leaving myself gentle reminders...









One thing I haven't been doing much of, is eating. Food was already a bit sparse around here thanks to a paperwork error the state made with my food stamps, and an unexpected week off of work when my kids got the flu and strep throat, but now on top of that I can barely open my mouth. So yea, that kind of sucks.




But all things considered, I have no complaints. This wasn't what I was expecting, but life never is. This is just another way for me to challenge myself and embrace what comes to me. I was not expecting this. I was not wanting this. "This" did not fit into my plan. But as I am learning more and more, I plan, God laughs. Maybe this is what I needed. Time for reflection. Time to be trapped in my head a little bit. Time, for once in my life, to focus on absolutely nothing but me, and just process. I can't say that I have ever in my entire life had time to focus on just me.

I am, by nature, an active and busy person, constantly moving from one activity to the next. On top of that, life in itself has forced me to set "me" aside most of the time and focus on survival. It would have been easy for me to blow through these eleven days off of work by filling them with tv, writing, and busy work. But now, now I need to stop. I need to sit. I need to heal.

I was expecting to be physically healing this week, but what took me by surprise was how much internal healing would be taking place as well. This is very reminiscent of all the times I sat home, hidden from the world, and tended to my wounds. But this time is different. This was my choice. I am not recovering from what was taken from me, I am recovering from what is being given back.

It is good to be a little bit trapped in my head right now reflecting on that.

I'm not always very good with the silence or the still moments. Silence allow things to creep in that I'm not always ready to deal with. But what better time than now?

I am getting stronger every day. Not just physically, but mentally, and emotionally as well.

Life lessons never come in the way that we want them, but I will embrace this opportunity, no matter how unwanted it is. I am determined to learn no less from it just because of the unwanted nature in the service of this message. Life moments are only wasted when you ignore the lessons that they are trying to teach you.

So this week, as I am forced to cut out all of the distractions and sit in the silence, I will embrace finding my way back to me.

Love you all.

24 comments:

  1. Seems sometimes that God/Higher Power/The Universe/what/whoever you believe in gives us what we need, not what we want. There are no coincidences! I'm glad you're able to use this time to continue the journey of healing internally, just as your body heals externally!

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  2. I like the placement of your tv. Hopefully you can get some much needed sleep.

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  3. I seem to be commenting a lot and I hope I'm not being overbearing here. Please tell me to back off if it's unwanted.
    Please reconsider taking pain medication such as tylenol and ibuprofen if you haven't been advised against it. Dealing with the pain and take a lot of energy and take away your body's energy from healing. Also, please try to take in as much food as you can, particularly protein as you need a lot to repair from the surgery. Even beef broth and chicken broth would be good. My 2 cents.Take care and you are in my thoughts!
    Nic in Melbourne

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    1. No worries, I appreciate your concern. I literally have no pain at all, its weird. I'm not toughing it out or trying to survive without meds, it just honest to gosh does not hurt, AT ALL.

      Food is a bit more difficult. Whatever glue they packed my sinuses with has backed into my ears, making it incredibly hard to swallow without feeling like my ear drums are going to burst. They are supposed to suck it out on tuesday, it can't come soon enough.

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  4. Get well soon, physically and otherwise as best you can. The world certainly has some odd ways of giving you what you need in the most unexpected ways.

    Although I'm sure I don't have to tell you you didn't "need" any of the crap that made you start this blog.

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    1. Thank you :)

      Haha, I will never understand the ways of the universe!

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  5. You've got this. Stay strong my friend. Thinking of you and your kids. Again happy to help by contributing a few dollars. Let me know once you've got that pay pal account set up :-)

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  6. Your post reminded me of this song by my favorite band.
    Car Radio by Twenty One PIlots. You should listen to it! It's a song about how Tyler Joseph (lead singer) got his car radio stolen, and all of a sudden he didn't have any distractions with him in the car, and it would lead his mind to dark places, because, as a depressed and suicidal man, he needed distraction.

    "And now I just it in silence"
    "Sometimes quiet is violent."
    "I'm forced to deal with what I feel, there is no distraction to mask what is real."
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92XVwY54h5k

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    1. Great song! Thanks for sharing :) Perfect!

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  7. When you recover and your brain is working properly again, you will realize that out of the silence came one of your most profound and moving posts.

    Still praying for you and yours...

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  8. Consider this a huuuuge hug for you today! As you know, those internal scars, bumps and bruises are more painful than the obvious external ones. It does get better and you are living proof that it does. You are healing, one day after another, one foot in front of the other. It has already been 3 days since your surgery - no pain? - color me impressed and grateful for you! Take this time for you. Do nothing or do whatever pleases you; but, take it for you! The children will be back and you will be refreshed and renewed for the next challenge. Cause we know there will always be a 'next one', don't we? lol How I wish we did not have so much distance between us; I make a kickass chicken noodle soup! Here is another hug for you! Good luck on Tuesday getting rid of that glue and stuff. Rest, rest, rest while you can! Much love from the east coast

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    1. Aw, I'd love your chicken soup and your company :) And man are you right, there is ALWAYS a "next" one isn't there! Yikes!

      ((hugs))

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  9. And, yeah, that PayPal thingy........Get on it. LOL

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  10. I had a deviated septum repaired many years ago (injury following a car accident). Although nowhere NEARLY as traumatic as your experience, I also had no pain. Wish I could say the same for natural childbirth....Anyway I hope you are feeling better. I wish I could send you some soup or ice cream. Please set up a Paypal account...I would love to help! As an aside, your house is so neat and spotless! I need to get on the ball with my own. Get well very soon!!!

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    1. Its really weird, noses must not have a lot of nerve endings or something. ?

      I'm trying to figure out the paypal thing, so hard to concentrate right now :/

      Funny about the house, that's how I started a cleaning service. I was desperate for a job and friends would come over, casually look around, and say "please come clean my house, I'm jealous." Then the lightbulb went on haha

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  11. Your home is so immaculate!

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