If you read my last post, you probably know that my surgery hit some complications.
So, I had a lot of plans for my days off. I was going to finish writing my book, enjoy some comfy time on my couch with snacks and movies, and enjoy the peace and quiet.
Or, what I could really be doing, is nothing. NOTHING. Even though I am taking no pain pills what-so-ever, not even a tylenol, my brain feels like scrambled eggs. I can't even make it through a tv show without losing the plot line. I can't read with ONE eye open, I have medical glue literally coming out of my eyes and nose so that's fun. I can't breath. I can barely open my mouth so forget eating.
So what am I doing instead? Well, it took me four hours to write that last paragraph.
I'm missing my 5 year old girl child and the crazy things she says. Her room is so empty.
I'm missing my 2 year old boy child, the one who's crib I climb into at night and snuggle with.
I'm missing little boy and girl child toys scattered about the playroom
I watched my bed go from this....
|Good thing I already had this pic from another post!|
I have a nice view from the bed, of the right side of my room,
I've been watching it snow
and have been leaving myself gentle reminders...
One thing I haven't been doing much of, is eating. Food was already a bit sparse around here thanks to a paperwork error the state made with my food stamps, and an unexpected week off of work when my kids got the flu and strep throat, but now on top of that I can barely open my mouth. So yea, that kind of sucks.
But all things considered, I have no complaints. This wasn't what I was expecting, but life never is. This is just another way for me to challenge myself and embrace what comes to me. I was not expecting this. I was not wanting this. "This" did not fit into my plan. But as I am learning more and more, I plan, God laughs. Maybe this is what I needed. Time for reflection. Time to be trapped in my head a little bit. Time, for once in my life, to focus on absolutely nothing but me, and just process. I can't say that I have ever in my entire life had time to focus on just me.
I am, by nature, an active and busy person, constantly moving from one activity to the next. On top of that, life in itself has forced me to set "me" aside most of the time and focus on survival. It would have been easy for me to blow through these eleven days off of work by filling them with tv, writing, and busy work. But now, now I need to stop. I need to sit. I need to heal.
I was expecting to be physically healing this week, but what took me by surprise was how much internal healing would be taking place as well. This is very reminiscent of all the times I sat home, hidden from the world, and tended to my wounds. But this time is different. This was my choice. I am not recovering from what was taken from me, I am recovering from what is being given back.
It is good to be a little bit trapped in my head right now reflecting on that.
I'm not always very good with the silence or the still moments. Silence allow things to creep in that I'm not always ready to deal with. But what better time than now?
I am getting stronger every day. Not just physically, but mentally, and emotionally as well.
Life lessons never come in the way that we want them, but I will embrace this opportunity, no matter how unwanted it is. I am determined to learn no less from it just because of the unwanted nature in the service of this message. Life moments are only wasted when you ignore the lessons that they are trying to teach you.
So this week, as I am forced to cut out all of the distractions and sit in the silence, I will embrace finding my way back to me.
Love you all.