Mr. Attorney Man

So, this post started out as something completely different, and was significantly shorter, but, when I told my attorney that I was writing about him, his exact words to me were "Fuck you."

Bad idea dude. Bad idea.

So.......

Challenge accepted.

Now to most people, if their attorney had said "fuck you" to them, they would most likely be offended, but, we are kind of weird. Our relationship lies somewhere between client/attorney, colleagues, and an abstract version of friends that never hang out. I make fun of him, he makes fun of me, we get our work done, and then we go about our day.

I first found Mr. Attorney Man after my ex disappeared and I needed a divorce attorney. I remember sitting on my bed and googling the words "aggressive sole child custody divorce." Reviews of his boss popped up and they looked promising, so I made an appointment with The Boss Dude. At my first appointment, I sat nervously in the waiting room, trying to choke back the tears of realization that this was actually happening, and pondering the fact that they had the largest book I had ever seen sitting there as reading material, which had me questioning just exactly how long I would be waiting there. When they did come for me, they put me in the ugliest conference room I had ever seen, and then Mr. Attorney Man and The Boss Dude came in.


The Boss Dude talked for a long time, and then after a while, said he would like it if Mr. Attorney Man handled my case. Now up until this point, I had no idea that Mr. Attorney Man was even an attorney. I thought he was like the guy who takes notes or something because he was young. Like super young. So young that when they asked me if I was ok with that, I tried as nicely as I could to ask him how old he was. The Boss Dude left the two of us alone, and I remember saying to him, "So, I don't mean to be rude to you or anything, but I'm not like.... your first case.... am I?" He looked a bit perplexed, so I went on to say "Well, like you are pretty young, so, my kids are really important to me, and ....I need to make sure that they end up with me, so....have you done this before or are you like the Doogie Howser of lawyers?" He laughs, like I'm the ridiculous one, and says, "No! I'm 29! I've been doing this for several years." Oh. Ok, so you are the Doogie Howser of lawyers. Cuz I'm a year younger then you, and I know what I've been doing for the last few years, and it wasn't practicing law.

For some reason, which I'm sure he would swear was caused by his overwhelming charm, I decide to go for it. I swiped my credit card and left the fate of my children's parenting in his hands. He got right to work, preparing documents, telling me what to do, and just generally going about his job. Now at this point, I didn't know where my ex was, and he wasn't answering his phone or returning my calls. Here is an odd fact for you, my ex and Mr. Attorney Man have the same first and middle name. So the first week I hired him, I had a question to ask him, so I called his office and left a message. No return call. Waited two days, called again, nothing. Called again on the fourth day. Nothing. Finally, on the 6th day, I left this totally bitchy message on his voicemail: "So, what is it about people named XXXXXXX XXXXX that just choose to ignore me and not call me back?" Nice one girl. Real classy. Eventually he did return my call, gave me some explanation as to what had happened, and since then he has always called me back in an extremely prompt manner.

So the morning of my first court date, one of my neighbors went with me. We get there and wait for Mr. Attorney Man. He is nowhere to be seen. We wait....and we wait.....and we wait....nothing. No Mr. Attorney Man. The judge calls the case....nothing. Ok. I'm firing this dude. Eventually he runs in, like literally, he runs in, he works it all out, and in two minutes we are out of there. I left the courthouse with my neighbor and she says "I don't know about him," and I'm like "Yea, I don't know about him either......"

Actually, for the first few court dates, Mr. Attorney Man was late. I remember him calling me one day as I was parking in the parking garage, and him saying "Hey, I'm going to be late. Just go in, and tell the judge that I'm checking in and I will be there soon." I was like "Go in by myself? That scares me! I don't want to go into court by myself! I don't want to talk to the judge by myself! You know what?  I should totally hire someone to go to court with me and talk to the judge for me. Oh wait. I did. ITS YOU."

So I wait for him, he gets there, and we decide to take the stairs because it's faster. That is, if we can get into the stairs. Mr. Attorney Man stands there pushing on a door clearly marked "Pull." Um...dude. So I open it, and while I am busy so righteously making fun of him, I run smack into the door frame. Well this is just great. I'm an idiot who has hired herself an idiot. We should make a great team. Super.

Two days later, on a Saturday morning, I open a statement from his billing department, realize that I had used up my entire retainer agreement, and I fire my Mr. Attorney Man via text. It sounds harsher then it was, I simply explained that while I appreciated his help, I couldn't afford to keep him on, and I didn't want him spending any more time on my case. He texts me back "You aren't really firing me via text, right?" And I text him back, "I'm pretty sure I just did." He calls me. I start crying and tell him that my life is over anyways, so I might as well just stay married to the guy and save the money that I don't have. I had a bad case of 'absolute crazy client syndrome.' An hour later, he had talked me off the ledge and I distinctly remember him saying "Listen. I'm telling you not to worry about the money, just let me take care of this, we need to get you out of this, and you need to move on with your life." And so, I trusted him. I don't know why, I really can't explain it because I trust no one, but in that moment, I trusted him.

I trusted him, and he has never let me down. Which is funny, because I am a super annoying client. No, like seriously, I'm like the sweet version of the client from hell. I can tell when he is starting to get annoyed with me, because he starts calling me "Lady." When he isn't so annoyed with me, I am referred to as "Miss." When I've gotten on his nerves, I'm referred to as Lady. I know that I'm a high maintenance client, I get it. I'm incredibly stubborn intensely determined. I always have a million questions and I second guess everything he says. Then, when he agrees to go with whatever ridiculous plan that I have, I usually change my mind at least once. Or five times. And he’s all “Lady, I know what I’m doing, I went to school for this,” and I’m all “I went to the school of life dude, so what you gun do about that yo!” And then he usually makes a reference to walking a mile in my shoes, and then it ends with “Well listen lady, I’m not going to tell you what to do,” and then I usually choose a different course of action than he suggests, change it five times, and end up where he first suggested. Oops. Yea, I can see how that might get a bit annoying.

But he does a great job keeping his cool with me. Even when I left his office and drove 20 miles in the wrong direction and he had to talk me all the way back to where I needed to be. Even when someone crashed into my car a week before my divorce court date and he had to drive me home from court because I had no car. Even when my crazy ex nearly ran his Mr. Boss Dude over in the parking lot of his office.  Even when I had yet another bad ending to a relationship shortly after my divorce, he never once judged me, he just helped me clean up the mess. Well, he probably judged me quite a bit internally, but he never said anything to my face, so I give him major props for that! And then, when I had a court date where I was afraid that my ex might try and harm me, he showed up early to walk me into the building, and then guess what? I WAS LATE.  He never freaks out at me, even though I can tell that sometimes he wants too.

I'm glad I chose to trust him, because he is one of the few people in my life who have done anything for me without an ulterior, self serving, motive. I know just how much money was lost on my case by him eating the costs when he knew I couldn't pay for it. I know that he has shown up for court time and time again, knowing that not only will he never see a dollar from me, but that he is losing time with paying clients. When I push his buttons with my corny little jokes, usually made at his expense, he has never once said "its not like you pay me anyways LADY!" That sets him apart from not only any attorney that I have ever met, but most everyone who has ever been in my life. He is good, not only at what he does, but at how he handles himself in this world. That guy is going somewhere, and I hope that he is able to hang on to all the best parts of himself, for the world needs more people like him. Trusting him continues to be one of the smartest decisions I have made, and even though it sometimes takes me a while to trust him in different scenarios, he is patient with me, and eventually I get there.

So, Mr. Attorney man, I ignored your "Fuck You," just like I ignore a lot of the things you tell me, but I write a lot about the people that have let me down in life, and so its only fair that I take a minute to publicly thank one of the only one's who haven't. 

So thank you.

So, now, my ORIGINAL post, which was supposed to be a part of the "only me" post, before I was so totally challenged, is below. ;)

.......Also this week, I got the weirdest text from my attorney. Now you see, I wrong number text him all the time. I wrong number text everyone all the time. It comes from a combination of texting with rubber gloves on for work, the giant crack in my screen that messes with the touch sensors, my children playing with my phone, and the sheer fact that I do stupid things. Yes, even I, as smart, charming, witty, and beautiful as I am, I sometimes do stupid things. It's so bad that I keep none of my clients or business contacts in my contact list. But whatever, it’s me, get over it. It’s hard to be perfect ALL the time. Either way, I wrong number text him all the time. Sorry dude, I am who I am! At least I bake tasty treats for your office staff!

But this time, I got a wrong number text from him. It doesn't actually surprise me, because bit by bit the guy is trying to steal my life. He had the same car as me, same sunglasses, he stole my "I'm just dandy" phrase, he listens to the same uncommon bands as me, reads the same books as me, loves the same movie as me, shares my views on religion, copied the decor of my house after stalking my blog pictures, and one time, he even showed up wearing the same shoes as me. Now in his defense they were probably more guyish then girlish, but still. I'M COUNTING IT. So, when I got a wrong number text from him, I wasn't surprised that he was stealing that part of my life as well.

But he "claims" it wasn't from him. It was about pancakes, shoes, and fireworks. I was thinking “gee, he must be partying hard tonight, good for him,” but he “claims” he was sleeping on his couch (boring). He also claims that I sent him some weird text about flying princesses and fountains. I did not send him any text about flying princesses and fountains, although I wish I had, because it sounds like those two people were having a great time. So….I have decided to pretend like I did send it, and this is what I would have been referring too:

*I gave the girl child a penny and told her to throw it in the fountain. She asked me why and I told her to make a wish and it might come true if she threw the penny in there. She looked at me and said “That does not make sense. I would wish to have money. I have money now. If I throw it in there, then I have no money. That doesn’t sound very smart.” Gosh darn it kid, stop being so freaking logical all the time! Act five ok? Because at this rate, you are going to outsmart me by age ten.

*As for the flying part, while on a plane, the girl child asked me if we were going to fly high enough to meet Jesus. I told her I hoped not, and she replied “Well, will we at least get a chance to fly outside of the plane?” Well gee kid, I sure as HELL hope not, but if we do, then yes, we will probably also meet Jesus.

*For the princess part, we were recently gifted a trip to Disney World. While we were there, all the Disney staff called the girl child "princess." “Come right this way princess. Enjoy your stay princess.” I asked her how she thought everyone knew that she was a real princess, and she matter of fact replied “Well, it’s obviously because I am so cute.” Ok, well now that we have a healthy sense of self esteem down, I think it’s time we start to work on some humility.

So there you go Mr. Attorney Man. Fountain flying princess. And since at some point he will probably read this, I would like to poke a little more fun at him in this totally awesome one way conversation. So….I invite you to leave your ideas in the comments section, concerning what the situation was when “he” texted me telling me to grab his shoes after I finished making the pancakes or we would miss the fireworks. Have at it people! Here is your chance to talk to a real live attorney less the $250 an hour surcharge. You’re welcome.

Now, in my best Attorney Man voice, I’ll say “But with that being said, at the end of the day,” seriously, leave comments. I’ll probably get a text message from him out of this that’s prefaced with “Lady…”


Challenge on.



Photo Credit Drive Thru: http://www.flickr.com/photos/brookenovak/
Photo Credit Shoe: http://www.flickr.com/photos/amyashcraft/
Photo Credit Prairie Lawyer: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrsdkrebs/
Photo Credit Lawyer Jokes: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mpwillis/