Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Getting Nervous About Tomorrow

So tomorrow is the big day for me. My face has a date with my doctor's chisel. In fact, by the time most of you read this, I will most likely either be in surgery or already done. I'm starting to get upset. This is not my first surgery, far from it actually, but I'm freaking out. I'm not worried about the pain, I'm not worried about the anesthesia, I'm worried about the after.

The after I am dropped back off at home and I am alone.

When I'm swollen, bruised, throbbing, in pain, and I am alone.

When I wish I had a mom to take care of me but, being alone is better than being with her.

When I want my husband to nurture and protect me, but he no longer lives in the home we used to own.

When I look around my house and I am reminded, that once again, in the depths of my pain. I am alone.


I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone that I'm having the surgery done because I don't want to have to explain how I'm feeling. How medical necessity aside, that I also feel like damaged goods, but I feel like if I don't explain how deep this goes, that they will think of me as vain. I don't want to appear as broken and vulnerable as I am. So as my own worst enemy, my wall will be staying up.

Very few people know, mostly just the one's that will be taking my kids for an entire week. I will be off of work for eleven days, sitting in my home, utterly alone.

There will be no brothers to come by and check on me. There will be no sweet texts from friends asking how I am feeling, because I didn't tell anyone. There will be no mom to make me dinner and tuck me into bed. There will be no husband with a sweet card and a tender touch.

I will be alone.

The three hour surgery? It will probably hurt. But not as much as knowing that I have no one taking care of me. No one waiting in the waiting room, hoping that I am ok.

So tomorrow when I am wheeled into the operating room, I will not be afraid of the surgery. I will be afraid of the after.

And that is scaring the hell out of me.



Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/somerandomquotes/

36 comments:

  1. Thinking of you and sending love, compassion, and best wishes for a successful surgery and a speedy recovery. I know what it's like to go through major surgery alone. It sucks. Maybe consider changing your mind and reaching out to even just one friend or neighbor who could stop by with take-out for a meal and an hour of chit-chat? I've read a lot of your posts, and I can't imagine that the people who you said give you "presents from Santa" for your kids because "They Know" you needed them don't also know that you are not "vain?" I understand what it's like to have an abusive childhood and abusive adult relationships that you don't like to tell anyone about. I understand living with past and present abuse while constantly questioning it, because it seems to be invisible or questioned by everyone else. But, you don't need to share all the deep and hurtful details with people in order to have a little company over these 11 days. You needed surgery. You had surgery. The End. Decent people won't press you for more information or (god forbid) judge you. I'm thinking and hoping from what you've written in the past that you know at least one decent person like that. Please consider texting or calling them.

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    1. I ran into some complications during surgery, so I ended up having to put a "help!" post on facebook.

      Thank you for your kind words and compassion :)

      I wish I had a better response but I'm a bit out of it at the moment

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  2. I'm with Anonymous on this one (and no, I am not the same Anonymous as them, I just think they said it very well and made an excellent point.) !! Seriously, they have a very valid argument there... the people who know you (aka the same friends who will tell you your ears stick out, lol!) must know you well enough to know that you needed the surgery (basically you got tired of having major sinus issues, and as a huge allergy sufferer I can totally relate! It sucks to spend half your life keeping the Kleenex corporation in business!) I'm sure if you say you had a deviated septum and wanted/needed to breathe better, that would be enough for anybody. (!) Speaking of sinuses and all, I laughed out loud when I read your previous post about your alter ego voice, because I have the exact same problem, and one of the smartmouth guys at work always called me "Lauren" because of that (for Lauren Bacall, the movie actress way back when with the deep husky voice) because I sounded all raspy and low like her about half the time. (The rest of the time I have a medium to high pitched voice, so it's almost like Jekyll and Hyde.) So maybe after this surgery you can say goodbye to Roxanne! ;-) (And Kleenex...?!) :P Anyway, back to the original topic, you really NEED to reach out (you seem to find that really hard to do in person -you can blog it but not live it!- and are always so worried about what folks might think or how they might judge you and you read so much into it all...) Here's a new perspective... ask yourself how YOU would feel if a friend asked YOU for a little help? Would you be picking apart their need or analyzing their actions or motives or speculating on their situation because of their request, or would you simply be glad to be of support? Exactly. You'd be more concerned about being able to assist them than you would be conjuring up any deep dark reasons for their need of the assistance. Most friends who know you at all would totally accept the basic surgery explanation and just be happy to help. (!) They'd bring you soup or check on you or see if you needed anything from the store, etc. But, they aren't mind readers so you need to float it out there that you could use a hand please. Obviously you recoil from reaching out for help, due to past disappointments. But most people are basically kind (I know, you've met more of the other 10% than many have) and are pleased to be able to give to others, they just have to be aware of what is going on. I'm sure your friends would love to help, they just need to know you could use some help is all (not everybody automatically figures it out, unfortunately.) We all mean well, but most of us are in our own little cocoons of worry/responsibilities/problems and are less tuned in to our friends issues unless they happen to share them with us so that we know. And they're the same with us... surprisingly, most people aren't as analytical or judgmental as you always worry they are, they're much too self-absorbed and oblivious and caught up in their own concerns, generally. So if you want somebody to come and fuss over you, let them know. Sometimes people would like to, and want to, but are afraid that you wouldn't want them to and would rather be all by yourself and deal with it without any help (some folks truly prefer to be alone to lick their wounds and all that.) Your friends might be scared to "bother" you if they think you wouldn't want them to. So let them know you'd be pleased with a little "tea and sympathy", and I'm sure you'll get plenty! Anyway, here's wishing you the best with your surgery, and it sounds like it will go just fine (you did your homework and picked out a great doc and all, so the odds are totally with you!) :)

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    1. Its just so hard to trust people when you keep getting burned, you know?Like the nutcase neighbors. She was my best friend and totally stopped talking to me after I got raped. I know that I shouldn't lump everyone into the same catagory as her crazy ass, but getting hurt, hurts. I did end up reaching out to some people yesterday. Thank you for your concern :)

      Goodbye Roxanne!!

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  3. ...And once you start to feel a little better (but before your kids are back!) you should throw yourself a little "Girl's Night In" party... chick flick movies and pizza (or soup & cocoa... whatever you feel up to!), invite some girlfriends over and tell them to bring their jammies and fuzzy slippers. Act like you're in Jr. High on a sleepover (w/no kids to worry about, there's a novelty!) Paint your toenails, braid your hair, talk about the cute guy actors in the movies, forget calories and eat junk! Ice cream! Chocolate! (Well, just something to think about!) :) Really, if you have to coddle yourself for a while and are basically stuck couch-potatoing until recovery, at least ENJOY part of it! Revel in your infirmity! (--Just no pillow fights, you definitely don't want to bop your schozz by accident!) :P

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    1. I do believe I love the way you think.....

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  4. If you do not feel comfortable to reach out to people in the real world, I hope you know you can come visit all of your readers any time you want, just by firing up the internet. Maybe not the same as a loved one dropping by with chicken soup, but perhaps it can still help with the feelings of isolation, at least.

    Your blog helps me remember that I am not alone.
    You're not alone, either. You've brought us all together, and we're here with you.

    Good luck today, and good luck in the days to come ♥

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    1. That means the world to me, thank you :)

      You are not alone either, I'm always here!

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  5. Please rethink your stubborn "I'm going to do this alone" stuff. You're being stupid. I'm sorry but I really admire your resolve most of the time but as a nurse I think you are being incredibly irresponsible and reckless with your health. Not because you are having the surgery but because you seem to think that you will be judged and thus you are keeping it a secret. Tell your friends and ask for help you silly woman! I'm saying this as an ICU nurse. Have people come and stay with you for a couple of days then check on you morning and night for the rest of the week at least!!!!
    Nicole in Melbourne

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    1. Thank you for your concern Nicole. I did end up reaching out to some friends, and I'm glad I did :)

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  6. I have spent a good few hours reading all of your posts. you brought me to tears on several occasions... no mean feat given I'm an internet desensitised battle hardened member of Gen Y. I don't know how to go about this, particularly as your anonymity is clearly important for many reasons, but I would like to make a small financial donation to you to help with any expenses you may incur whilst recovering from your operation. Let me know if this is possible. You dont need to go this alone.

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    1. Aw, thank you. I honestly have no idea how I would take a donation, but your generosity means the world to my soul. Thank you :) I am so glad you have found your way here! ((HUGS!))

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    2. Eden,
      You could set up a paypal account and take donations that way. I too would contribute so that the financial worry can be lessened. You don't have to advertise it on the blog but perhaps provide to those who ask.
      Nicole in Melbourne

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    3. You all know what a hard time I have accepting help lol. I'm going to have to look into it. This month has killed me. Both my kids were knocked out by the flu and strep throat for a week so I couldn't take them to daycare. I thought I might *JUST* be able to scrape by, but now I'm looking at a longer recovery, and the state lost my food stamp paperwork so I have no grocery money. I am not sure how to set up a paypal account. I wish my brain didn't feel so fried right now. I'm on some crazy medication for the bleeding and swelling, and I swear I feel like I'm dreaming right now....

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    4. I wish I could do it for you. :(
      My Mum did it and she's a not tech savvy 65 year old so I'm sure you'll get it!
      Nic in Melbourne

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  7. I'm the first Anonymous, checking back to see if you've posted an update about your surgery. Please let us know how you're doing!

    Nicole in Melbourne, I think you have good advice medically-speaking, and I'm sure you mean the best. But, I have to say this - please know what a hurtful and damaging trigger it can be to call a childhood abuse survivor "silly" and "stupid." I'm sure you meant no harm, but I feel like you should know better. You're a nurse! I hope that's not how you talk to your ICU patients.

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    1. Thank you :)

      I just posted an update!

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    2. Hi Anonymous,
      I apologise if what I said triggered you. The complication that happened was exactly what I was worried about. That could have happened after she was already sent home and with no one there the consequences might have been disastrous.
      PS That is exactly how I speak to my patients. Without a doubt, I give them the straight goods and funnily enough they appreciate it. Very rarely do medical professionals tell patients the real truth. I make it a point to sensitively tell patients and their families what is happening.
      Nicole in Melbourne

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  8. Hey, I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it may help you to know that your parents had a mental disorder. I went through extremely similar abuse to you in childhood (some of the exact same ways we were abused were the same.) I was abandoned at a hotel resort as a child and forced to cut grass (I am not kidding!

    These are hallmarks of what's called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's a cunning, very sociopathic condition that the abusers are able to hide very well from even therapists, sometimes. The children are almost never removed from the home by child protective services. I am permanently disabled from what my parents put me through.

    This forum has over 14,000 survivors of children of Narcissistic Parents and many links and resources for recovery. I hope you check it out. Find it here: www.reddit.com/r/RaisedByNarcissists

    Mothers who are Narcissists are well described in this webpage. I have a feeling a lot of it will ring bells for you. When you recover, feel free to join the reddit support forum. There's a lot of us there sharing stories and recovering.

    http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

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    1. That is crazy, I have never heard of anyone else being left at a hotel and having the grass cutting punishment! I wish we could get coffee and chat!

      When I am not all loopy from surgery, I am definitely going to check that site out. Thank you so much for sharing it with me!!

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  9. Been there...I feel your pain. You are alone by choice that is why people want to make it seem like something to feel shameful about. Don't think that "alone" is a bad thing...it is sometimes just as bad if not worse to be in a house full of people and still be alone. Use your me-time creatively and recoup. You have a long battle ahead for your children. Have a good one and take care.

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  10. We'll take care of you as best as we can.
    Well, as far as comments about how great you are and how a lot of us can relate can go to be emotionally healing.

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  11. I hope you are stocked up on some yummy food and are able to watch some good tv or read a new book or something. I also hope you get to feeling better very soon! Like others have said, being alone isn't so bad. I think it's worse to be surrounded by the wrong kind of people but it sounds like you have removed those people from your life. Hang in there, hon, and get well soon!

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    1. I thought I was well prepared, but I wasn't expecting to have an eye swelled shut and my mouth barely open, so I'm improvising lol. Should have stocked up on some books on tape!! Only me.... lol

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  12. I was worried about this when you last posted. I had something long planned about how the surgeries we plan are different from those that happen on the spur of the moment, but it was eaten. The gist of it was about how I was worried about the recovery process when you're feeling all broken and bruised and have to take care of yourself... that it could be triggering. I wish you'd ask your friends for help. I wish I lived close enough to help you. I'd bring soup, it's comforting. Or maybe I'd be able to justify Chinese food, I always find that comforting.

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    1. I will admit, sitting here nursing my wounds is definitely triggering. I just keep reminding myself that this is healing with a purpose, and that is different then what I have previously gone through. This is recovering by taking control of my life, not recovering because I had lost control. Oooo.... I sense a new post coming

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  13. Wishing you lots of good luck and a speedy recovery! My recovery from surgery was slow and boring so I hope you have plenty of movies and books to read if your up to it. Take care!

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  14. Feeling sad for the brutality happened to you....i hope you are alright now...sorry to ask, did the culprit got caught now, and may i know whats the status of investigation now....may god grant strength and support for you in this and next life...

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    1. Thank you for your concern. Nope, they never caught him, there wasn't even an investigation. Makes me feel sick, but I'm getting better everyday. Thank you for your sweet words :) Hugs!!

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