The after I am dropped back off at home and I am alone.
When I'm swollen, bruised, throbbing, in pain, and I am alone.
When I wish I had a mom to take care of me but, being alone is better than being with her.
When I want my husband to nurture and protect me, but he no longer lives in the home we used to own.
When I look around my house and I am reminded, that once again, in the depths of my pain. I am alone.
I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone that I'm having the surgery done because I don't want to have to explain how I'm feeling. How medical necessity aside, that I also feel like damaged goods, but I feel like if I don't explain how deep this goes, that they will think of me as vain. I don't want to appear as broken and vulnerable as I am. So as my own worst enemy, my wall will be staying up.
Very few people know, mostly just the one's that will be taking my kids for an entire week. I will be off of work for eleven days, sitting in my home, utterly alone.
There will be no brothers to come by and check on me. There will be no sweet texts from friends asking how I am feeling, because I didn't tell anyone. There will be no mom to make me dinner and tuck me into bed. There will be no husband with a sweet card and a tender touch.
I will be alone.
The three hour surgery? It will probably hurt. But not as much as knowing that I have no one taking care of me. No one waiting in the waiting room, hoping that I am ok.
So tomorrow when I am wheeled into the operating room, I will not be afraid of the surgery. I will be afraid of the after.
And that is scaring the hell out of me.
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