I Learned My Kids Were Weird From Facebook

I was reading through my old Facebook statuses from the last couple year or so and I realized something, my kids are every bit as strange as I am. I now bring you 

“Eden’s life with children, compliments of cut and paste from her Facebook.”

When I picked the boy child up from daycare, I asked him if he had made good choices all day. He looked at me with his guilty face, one raised eyebrow, and said, "Well.....I 'yistening' now, so.......you ok?" He ended it with a tone that implied "so, are we gonna be cool?" 

While shopping for pants today I was in the dressing room with the girl child when I started taking my pants off. She very loudly asked "Mommy, why are you going potty in here?" Totally mortified I felt the need to very loudly announce to everyone else in the dressing room "MOMMY IS NOT GOING POTTY, SHE IS JUST TAKING OFF HER PANTS TO TRY OTHER PANTS ON." The girl child looks at me and then says "No, you are definitely going potty because I can see your butt so you have no underwear on either." Oh my gosh, kill me now. I can hear everyone else in the dressing room attempting to stifle their laughs. "NO HONEY, MOMMY IS DEFINITELY NOT GOING POTTY IN HERE AND YES I AM WEARING UNDERWEAR, ITS JUST IN A STYLE THAT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO WEAR WHEN YOU TURN 25." Congratulations kid, we are now hanging out in here until I can be absolutely sure everyone that is currently shopping has left the store.

Expressing sadness over someone who had just died, I assured a small five year old that they would see this person again in heaven. I was a little suprised when the response was "No I won't! The man that does the talking at the church said she didn't go to heaven!" Uh....what? "Only her head went to heaven, he said they were burying her body."

While I was in the shower, the boy child decorated all my furniture and the couch with a blue crayon. How do I get it off the couch? Also, boy child for sale.

Before the plane took off, the girl child asked me if we were going to fly high enough to meet Jesus. I told her I hoped not on this trip. Then she said "Well, will we at least get a chance to fly outside of the plane?" Well gee kid, I sure as HELL hope not, but if we do, then yes, we will probably also meet Jesus. Meanwhile, in the airport, the boy child made a mad dash away from me and ran directly onto a flight boarding for Kansas. I ran after him, but some woman thought I was cutting the line and blocked me off. The boy child boarded with another family. That was fun. Or not.

I took the boy child out of the bath tub and he was shivering. He looked at me and said "my (boy child's name) cold. He needs his jacket on." Then I asked him what he wanted for breakfast and he looked at me, thought about it, and said "my (name) eat cake."

Thanks to his sister, the boy child now refers to himself as "Big Baby." "Big Baby is hungry! Big baby wants toys!" It’s really bizarre. Sister has always called him "Baby." Well now he gets mad and says "I'm big!" so sister started referring to him as "Big Baby." I laugh and yet at the same time it freaks me out.

I put the boy child in his Mickey costume and put him in front of the mirror. He was all "yay it's Mickey! BUT OH MY GOSH IT'S MY FACE!!! It's Mickey...BUT IT'S MY FACE." He was terrified, it was hysterical. So naturally I did what any good parent does and I took him away from the mirror. Then I got the video camera and you know what? It was just as funny the second time I put him in front of the mirror as it was the first! My mother of the year award should be coming any day now...

I asked the boy child what kind of nuts he wanted with his lunch, walnuts or peanuts, and he looked at me and said “(his name) want eat donuts mommy.”

"Mommy, can my brother and I watch Oven and the chick monks?" Uh kid, I'm fairly certain we do not own a movie by that title.

"Mom, wouldn’t it be great if we had someone that cooked all our food and served it to us?" 
Yea, that would totally rock. Wait a minute. You do have that person. It's me kid. Thanks for noticing.

My kid is SO weird! Her prayers? "Dear Jesus. Thank you for letting me not end up in jail today. Also, if you want to come pick up my grandma, I think she's ready for you. Also thanks for letting mommy not yell at me and my brother, she didn't look like she had much patience today. Amen."

The girl child is hoarding little piles of my household items so that she can wrap them and have something to give me Christmas morning. Too funny and sweet. I will also be very excited Christmas morning when I get my car keys and glasses back.

I’m messing around on youtube and the girl child nonchalantly asks "Can you please pull up Usher's Alphabet song?" Apparently Usher has an alphabet song. "U is for Usher." Kindergarten is so much different than I remember it being....

Talking to my girl child, "Hum...Where are my glasses? I wonder if I made them into the bed." Her  response; "Well, I will use my sense of touch and feel around for them. I will also make a projection as to who will find them first. Me." Oh great, she is mouthy, crazy, and nerdy.

Well here's a new perspective. After tripping and falling to the ground, a slightly embarrassed girl child looked at me and said "don't worry about it, I just dropped myself on the floor."

I asked the girl child to put her shoes away and then I asked her to pick her clothes up. She replied "You are making me do too much things!" I tell her that it's my job to keep her alive, not to be her servant. She responds with "I'm only five years old, why are you treating me this way!?!" This kid is something else, I tell ya. I am NOT looking forward to the teenage years.

"Mommy, I almost touched the electrocube! I could have been electrocubed!!" (Pointing at the electrical outlet.)

“You should have gotten a fun job like at McDonald’s or something.”

“Mommy, what’s 4+4+4+4? Oh wait, it's 16. So 4+4+4+4+2=18? Does anything else equal 18? Oh I guess 5+5+4+4 does.” Kid stop. You are 5 and in kindergarten. Go chew on a crayon or something.

5:57 am. A little voice whispers in my ear. "Mommy, I'm awake. It’s at the end of 5. Can I do some science in my room?" Well love, thanks for asking, but I'm too tired to figure out what that means and judging by the mere name if it, I'm going to have to go with a "negative" on the room science.

When I asked my daughter to help me put the groceries away, she looked at me and said “I didn’t buy any of these groceries, you did, so I think you should put them away.” I thought about it and then said “silly me, you’re right I did buy them all. I guess I’ll put them away and then I’ll make my lunch. What are you eating for lunch? I didn’t see you buy any groceries at the store today. Seems like poor planning on your part kid.” She stands there for a minute and then replies “Weeeeeell, I guess I could help you put them all away if you want to share your lunch with me. This family should be a team anyways.” Bingo! Life lesson received.

I swear if one more kid asks me a question today my head is going to pop off and shoot into space. I seriously just want to scream "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD JUST SHUT UP" right now, but I won't. Instead I will give hugs and change all the clocks so that they think its bedtime.....

And last but not least, the two year old boy child was sick a couple of weeks ago and I told him that we needed to go to the doctor. "You take me to doctor?" he asked me. "Yes buddy, we have to take you to the doctor, your nose is sick" I told him. He looked at me for a minute and said "You gonna take my nose to doctor?" "Yep buddy, we are going to take your nose to the doctor." He looked a bit perplexed and then a bit nervous as he asked me in a worried tone of voice, "mommy, can we take arms and legs to doctor too?" Yes buddy, we will take all of your parts to the doctor at the same time. 

Photo Credits:

Alvin and the Chipmonks

Explosion sign

Kids for sale