Thursday, April 10, 2014

The Exorcism Is Near

Y'all want to hear about the time my drunk ass was caught throwing shoes at a guy's window at two thirty in the morning and then I shot a dude with a gun? 

Sure ya do.

Seriously though, did I call it, or did I call it when I said that my only hope was now that the female nutcase neighbor was pregnant that maybe they would move? Hell yes, thank you very much. I've written about them so much I don't even know what link to include here, so if you are new scroll to the bottom of the blog and click on the tab that says "neighbors" if you want to get caught up.

I honestly cannot even begin to explain how relieved I am that they are leaving. Seeing them on a daily basis is a pain that has yet to ease, time has not been healing this wound. Everytime I see them I am reminded of not only one of the worst nights of my life, but the pain of being thrown away because of it. I just want it over, I just need them gone. I need, I want, to feel comfortable in my own home again, to feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m appreciative for some of the lessons that dealing with them has taught me, but my life will be easier with them gone. The kids won’t be confused as to why they won’t talk to us, I won’t always feel on edge, and the rift that this has caused between our tight knit neighborhood should be healed.

I am so happy.

It didn’t always used to be like this. I was actually friends with Mr. Nutcase Neighbor before Mrs. Nutcase Neighbor even existed. He moved into his house when my daughter was about a year old and he worked an overnight shift at his job. Because I was a stay at home mom and he was home all day, it wasn’t uncommon for us to hang out. We’d sit outside and watch the girl child play and just shoot the breeze. We actually spent a lot of time talking about his dating life and dreaming up new ways to secure him a long term girlfriend. There was one day when my ex came home to find the two of us in the middle of a water hose fight and let me tell you, I thought my ex was going to kill him. Later I found out that Mr. Nutcase Neighbor thought the same thing.

When Mrs. Nutcase Neighbor came around I was pretty excited for him. I offered up my zoo membership so that he could take her and her daughter and helped him clean his house for when she came over. She moved in pretty quickly and that was the first time I really met her. 

Mrs. Nutcase Neighbor and I soon became what I thought were good friends. Nearly every night of the week you would find us sitting outside under the stars or during the winter sitting around a fire just chatting it up. The girl would seriously drink like 15 beers every single night. I’m not even kidding; I actually started counting because I couldn’t believe it. I don’t know how she ever got up for work in the morning or how she even still has a liver. Now I like drinking, don’t get me wrong, but not every night, not even every week.

The closest that I’ve ever been to even getting drunk was one particular night last summer when we jumped the gun and started partying on a Thursday night. We were all sitting outside and at one point I remember looking at Mrs. Nutcase Neighbor and realizing she looked a little blurry to me. At almost that exact moment she tried to hand me another shot to which I replied “No thanks Hun, you are starting to look a little funny,” to which she replied “Hey! Don’t judge me and I won’t judge you!”

Alright, she’s gone.

That same night I just happened to be sitting under her second floor balcony, which turned out to be a very bad move. I looked up just in time to see an earwig fall from the balcony, land on my chest, and slip down under my shirt. I let out a scream like you wouldn’t believe. Not only had I seen this happen, but Mrs. Nutcase Neighbor saw it happen as well, as is evidenced by the fact that before I could even react to the bug being in my shirt, she had leapt from her chair, grabbed the bottom back of my shirt, and pulled it clear over my head. I’m now sitting outside in shorts and a bra and you know what? I don’t care, just get it the hell off of me.

This is my house, I was at their house next door, but do you see that dangerous bug bungee jumping platform that they call a "balcony" protruding over my driveway? Yea, theirs is the same way. My mistake for sitting under it after dark.

Both of our eyes zero in on my now nearly bare chest as we see the earwig, STILL THERE, fall into my bra. NO FUCKING WAY. Now I leap from my chair, still screaming, and turn around to run into my house so that I can strip down and annihilate this little fucker. Now let’s not forget that Mrs. Nutcase Neighbor is quite trashed at this point, so as I am running, she is trying to unclasp my bra and I’m yelling “wait! Not yet!” As soon as I turn the door handle to my house I feel it unclasp. The two of us lunge inside where I begin tearing off my clothes like they are on fire while the two of us are screaming “WHERE IS IT!! OHMYGOSH WHERE IS IT!!” We spot it now on the floor, obliterate it, and then collapse onto my couch to catch our breath from that near death experience.

Forget already being a little bit tipsy myself, I now need a drink. We go back outside, send the men off to get more firewood, and are left all to our lonesome. Whatever will we do out here, over intoxicated, and left to our own devices?

Well, it’s now about two am now and you know what happens outside at two am? You start to hear scary noises. “WHAT WAS THAT” comes out of Mrs. Now Trashed Nutcase Neighbor. “WE NEED WEAPONS OF DEFENSE” she boldly states before disappearing into her garage and reappearing with two “weapons.”

“Which one do you want” she asks me. “The spatula or the tongs?”

Well gee girl, what are we going to do, flip some scary guy over and then tong him to death?

“I don’t need a weapon” I tell her. “I just need to be able to run faster than you.”

She is not amused.

Ok, onto the next logical plan. We need a not-scary-guy to defend us. We look around and realize that one of our single male neighbors is not outside with us. Obviously, we must fetch him. It’s now 2:30am, so it would be ridiculous to ring his doorbell that late at night, right? So what does someone do in this situation?

You throw rocks at his window obviously.

So the two of us are throwing rocks at single guy’s window and Mrs. Nutcase Neighbor is yelling at the top of her lungs, “Come down! We neeeeeeed you!! Come out and play with us!!!”

After what seems like an eternity and at the point where Mrs. Nutcase Neighbor and I are now throwing our shoes at his window, Single Neighbor Guy comes to the window with a big grin on his face. You know who isn’t grinning? The girl standing behind him.

I guess he wasn’t as single as we thought he was.


We apologize and crawl back to our houses, half mortified, and half laughing hysterically.

The men return with the firewood and we continue drinking until roughly four am. Or, until roughly the time that Mr. Trashed Nutcase neighbor looks at me in a slurred voice and said “Eden, you have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a couple of years now.”

I look at Mrs. Nutcase who is glaring at me and I say “Uh…thanks, but they have nothing on your girlfriend’s.”

He did not take the hint.

“No, no, yours are way better.”

Sorry, I can’t help you out of this one buddy.

She slams her beer down, storms into the house, and thus ends our evening.

The next morning I woke up snuggling with one of the patio chair cushions in my room. I didn’t just “wake” up, but rather I was jolted from my nice little slumber by Mrs. Nutcase Neighbor pounding on my front door. “Eden, wake up! You’re car is still here, I have an aspirin and an alka seltzer for you, it’s only Friday, go to work!”

Apparently she is a professional at this.

That next night I get outside and a good majority of the neighbors are having target practice with an air soft gun. I’d never touched anything that resembles a gun other than a water gun, and even then I lack experience, so I had absolutely no idea what was going on. You better believe Mr. Nutcase Neighbor picked up on that right away and before I knew it I’m holding the gun and he is standing backwards, three houses down from me and yelling “Shoot me Eden, just try it!” Boom boom boom. Two to the head and one to the back. Apparently I’m a natural.

Mr. Nutcase Neighbor came running back over yelling “Wtf Eden, I thought you never shot anything before! You weren’t supposed to actually hit me! Now it’s my turn to shoot you.”

No. Hell no. Hell fucking no. I did not agree to that.

“Eden, come on, be a good sport.”

Ugh, fine. “Ok, listen Mr. Nutcase Neighbor, I will run from that end of the street to that end of the street. I am not stopping. You can shoot at me all you want from the minute I yell go until I reach the end of the street. No cheap shots while I’m walking there or back, ok?”

He agrees and since I am only wearing yoga pants and a tank top he feels it’s a good idea that I wear his ATV helmet. Cuz that makes sense. It also smelled really, really, bad and my head felt like it was about 25 pounds, not to mention that I could barely see where I was walking.

I get to the far end of the street, yell “go” and you had better believe I broke a personal best in sprinting. I made it to the other end of the street without getting shot, because yay, that would have probably hurt.

As I’m walking back to the house I get about ten feet away and another neighbor grabs the air soft gun and shoots me. "What the hell! That freaking hurt!" Mr. Nutcase tries to grab the gun from him and the two of them start arguing “come on man, that’s just mean” and “hey, I didn’t agree not to shoot her.” I get about one foot away and the stupid thing goes off and hits me right in the thigh, with only yoga pant protection. You had better believe I had a bruise the size of Texas for a week.

After we decide that we have had enough gun fun for one evening, we pull our chairs into a circle, piling various BB guns on the table in the middle. The two Nutcases waste no time in getting trashed off their asses and a few minutes later Mr. Not-So-Single Neighbor pulls into his driveway with his really unhappy looking date. The two of them walk over and she is glaring at us as if she could will our hearts to stop beating right then and there, she would. I waste no time apologizing to her for the misunderstanding and promise her that it will never happen again. She looks me dead in the eye and says “It had better not.”


She walks back to her house and we all burst into laughter. It’s just then that another neighbor announces, “well of course she doesn’t like you girls, you look like white trash. The first time she met you, you were running amok at 2:30 am, and now you’re sitting out here sharing a bottle of whiskey, while seated around a pile of very real looking guns.”


Well, it was a good summer, but that’s in the past and the present hasn’t been too peachy, so granted I can figure out a way to still live here myself, I’m excited for the future.

Without them.

I declare my front lawn a Nutcase Free Zone


  1. My next door neighbors are white trash bounty hunters. They have about 5 cars, plus they run a bail bonds business out of the house. I can't keep track of the dudes, chicks, kids, dogs, and mullets that go in and out of the house on a daily basis. Their dog, "Useless," barks constantly when my dog is the the back yard.

    All that being said, when I told them my ex-husband likes to stop by unannounced and stalk me, every single one of those lovely men puffed out their chests and said "I f**kin' dare him to do it where we can see. We have guns, and know how to hide a body!"

    So I put up with the billion people in and out and the ugly lawn chairs and all the other stuff because I know that if I ever needed anything, they'd fall over backwards to help me out.

    I'm sorry your crazy neighbors were the ugly kind of crazy instead of the harmless-but-nice kind of crazy. Maybe you'll trade up to that when the new neighbors move in!

    1. That's so funny! I'd put up with that too for some built in neighborly protection!

      Sometimes I think I am that weird neighbor. Geesh, husband runs away, throwing things at windows at 2;30am, people breaking into my house, police involvment. Wait. I totally am that weird neighbor. Yikes.

    2. Haha! Maybe they're writing on their blog about YOU!

    3. Hahaha, they would certainly have a lot to write about, that's for sure!!

  2. I'm glad they're moving on, let's hope your new neighbors are cool.

  3. Sounds to me like what you truly ended up having was a Mrs. Nutcase Neighbor full of jealousy for how Mr. Nutcase Neighbor really felt about you...she blamed you for it and he went along with her to keep the peace. A "keep your enemies closer" type of mentality....she viewed you as a threat so became all chummy to keep you under watch. You, being the type of woman that would NEVER think that way, never picked up on her ultimate agenda. She is a "good riddance" type of loss though the pain it caused does not easily stop. It is hard when you are not the type of person to use others to know that others we have trusted may have only wanted to use us for whatever their agenda was. She was a rwal bitch! Enough said.

    1. You know, I had actually thought about that before, but it seemed like such a conceited thought that I pushed it out of my mind. We used to hang out all the time, Mr. Nutcase and I. We would sit outside together every night when she worked, we'd have dinner together on the driveway while the kids played, he would come over and help me with stuff around the house, but it was 100% innocent and I kept asking both of them "are you sure this is ok? Are you sure?" because I didn't want to step on any toes. I mean I wouldn't be comfortable with that if I was her, but its not my place to manage their relationship boundaries and she had quite a few male friends so I thought we were cool. Since Mr. Nutcase and I were friends long before she came around she kept saying "Hey, you both had your chance and nothing happened so I trust you."

      But yes, good riddance!!

  4. I have neighbors down the street who used to be fairly friendly with us (as in, say hello when we see each other on the street, ask about various family members, occasionally help shovel out a car from the bazillion feet of snow we sometimes get, etc.) for quite a few years. We were never friends, but we were friendly.

    Then about two years ago, out of the blue, they stopped talking to us. We had a falling out with some other folks not from the neighborhood that they knew, and I guess they took the other folks' side and completely stopped talking to us. No hellos on the street or in the grocery store (it's a small town, you see EVERYBODY you know every time you go out), no nothing.

    About a month ago they started pounding on our door once a week carrying a bag of dog poo. Yes, a bag of DOG POOP. They hold it up and ask me if it's my dog's poop because they've seen me walking by dog around the block, which happens to include the sidewalk in front of their house. Now, this bag of poo is easily the size of nearly two of my fists. My dog is a 6lb. Chihuahua.

    Think about that for a second, dear neighbors. The poo in the bag you're holding is more than half the size of my dog. I don't know about you, but when I poop, I don't poop out half my body weight.

    No matter how many times I tell them, as calmly as I can, that my 6lb dog did not make a 3lb. poop, they still stop by once a week to scream at me to clean up my dog's poop when I'm walking him.


    I am so happy for you that your neighbors are leaving. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it's been for you with what they've done. It's just disgusting. They need to be gone from your life and hopefully soon they will be. I'll send a message to the gods of selling houses that someone not crazy buys their house very soon. :)

    1. That's crazy lol! I'm telling you, you cannot deal rationally with irrational people. ((shakes head))

      Maybe your crazy neighbors will move soon too!!

  5. I think you need to save your dog's poop in little bags, so next time they do that you can say wait a minute, I have something to show you! And then you show them a bag with YOUR dogs poop! Make a big show of comparing them (the two bags, their huge one and your little one, and being all cheery about how obviously they aren't the same product, huh?, but gee, thanks for asking!) Then offer to let them keep the bag (of YOUR dogs) "if they want to" ssso they can compare it with the other poop next time they are wondering if the poop might be yours, and if it doesn't look the same then they don't have to go to all that darned trouble of carrying it down to you... (etc., etc...) ;-) Be really serious and totally polite the whole time. :P (Good luck!)

    1. Haha! I think I'm going to have to do this. Such a great idea!

    2. Haha, oh my gosh. Yea, let me know how that goes! I'll be waiting for a follow up!

  6. Oops my "s" key got stuck... didn't mean ssso, only "so". :P

  7. Eden, I hope someone really wonderful buys their house. Yeah, the Mrs. was jealous as all hell. At least she wasn't hitting on you.

    While married to 2nd husband (YUCK) we had a nice enough neighbor (lets call him DJ) that always seemed to need some tool or lawn machine the Mr. owned. Other than seeing TJ working on his beautiful lawn, we never saw him. He always dressed in short (think belly) shirts and short OP shorts - this was in the 90's. All the other neighbors thought he was a weird guy. He just spent a lot of time running across the street to chat with Mr. and always borrowing something or another. I never thought much of it. Over the years, DJ's hair got longer, blonder and his clothes became quite feminine- as in women's tops and flip-flops. He was thrilled to tell Mr. that he was going to Switzerland for a sex change, since Hopkins did not consider him psychologically ready for the transition to female. He told Mr. of his sex-capades - actually tricking his tricks, so to speak. This was not a handsome guy to start with and after the change, well....... Let's just say, not an attractive woman either.

    Finally, DJ, now Diane, just came right out and asked Mr. if he was interested in a tryst. I was no more good. Don't think I stopped laughing for months. Mr. was verrrry obsessed with appearances and what the neighbors thought, etc... By then, I was soooo done with Mr. and would have handed him over to Diane gladly - covered in bows. lol

    I think the exorcism has already taken place. They are leaving and may the bad juju go with them. I hope your new neighbors are deserving of a fantastic new friend like you.

    Much love and many hugs from the East Coast

    P.S. Hey, everybody! Don't forget about the PayPal button over there on the right if you are able. Every little bit helps Eden get to where she is going!

    1. Oh my gosh, that is HYSTERICAL!!!! I guess its true what they say about never knowing what goes on in your neighbors house. Then you find out and you wish you could go back to never knowing!!!

      Thank you for the paypal plug! You rock :)

  8. Love the idea of saving the small dog's crazy that someone would actually bag another dog's poop and bring it to your house with such hostility. Totally nuts!

    On another note, I think of you often Eden and hope you are doing well. Your writing has really changed my perspective so much and I've shared your story with my friends and family. What you said about people who utilize food programs but still go hungry really humbled me and your writing has opened my mind and heart to others. I've always had a soft spot for kids and elderly but if I'm being completely honest, I judged those who I deemed "able to work". I don't do that anymore. Your writing about comparing our situation to others also really hit home for me because I've struggled to let go of the good things that happen to those who have wronged me. Ultimately though, my situation doesn't change either way. Anyway, thank you!

    1. You have no idea how much that means to me to hear :) Thank you dear friend :) You seem like an awesome person and I am so honored to have you along on this journey with me <3