Friday, May 23, 2014

Can't I Just Bang Both Of Them?

Do you remember in my Boyfriend Application post I said that I thought I was ready to give a real monogamous relationship a try?

Well, it didn’t quite work out like that.

If you remember correctly, for quite a while I was dating quite a few people at one time, but nothing serious. In fact, when someone would approach me with the idea of labeling whatever it was that we were, I’d step out of the relationship completely. I just wasn’t in a place where I wanted to be in a “real” relationship. I was enjoying seeing what was out there, I was enjoying being single-ish, and to be honest, I was having fun.

It was kind of awesome to be like “sure, you can come over and watch a movie, but I don’t have to mess around with you because you’re not my boyfriend,” or “sure, you can come over and mess around, and I don’t need you to stay and watch a movie because you’re not my boyfriend.”

I was actually really surprised at how comfortable I was with casual open relationships. I always thought that I would be the jealous type, but it really didn’t bother me. It was kind of freeing to be able to have different areas of my life filled by different people and it was also really nice to not have to be someone’s entire other half. What I was starting to realize though was that the whole “open relationship” thing was just something that I was using as a coping mechanism to not have to fully trust anyone. Like how can you cheat on me if we are in an open relationship? How can my expectations be let down if I spread them around to a few people?

Yea, I get it. To be honest though, I don't regret doing it. It really has been working for me and I really have been happy with it. It allowed me time to learn how to stand on my own two feet and be my own person for once in my life, while still being able to figure out which qualities I do and don't want in a man.

A few months ago though, when I decided that I had been “single” long enough to really know who I was and what I was looking for in a boyfriend, I decided to be a little bit more open to finding someone to have an actual relationship with. What I was not expecting, was to find two someone’s.

First I met a guy that we will call Doctor Dude. Hence by his name, he is a doctor. He is 38 years old, got divorced four years ago, and has two sons ages 5 and 7. I met him first and we hit it off instantaneously. We run on the same wavelength of humor and our conversation's flow so naturally. It seems to be a race to see who can get the first “good morning” text sent out and it’s not unusual for us to talk on the phone at night until we are technically into the next morning. The fact that he is absolutely my type physically just makes the situation even better. When my phone alerts me to a text, my heart always does a little leap, hoping that it's him.



I was still getting used to the idea of being “in” a relationship, so I told him right away that I wasn’t sure when I would get to the point of monogamy and if he wanted to keep his options open that was fine with me. He confessed that he was pretty much in the same place. Neither of us wanted to commit completely, but we also spent way to much time together to be considered "casually dating." We talked about it and together we decided to actively pursue a relationship with each other, but at the same time to keep our options open, and take things slowly.

Oddly enough, a few weeks later we both met someone else on the same day. While Doctor Dude was a little bit more hesitant than I was, I encouraged him to take the girl he had met out for a drink. Since I had met someone as well, we both unknowingly scheduled our dates for the same night. Doctor Dude and I even talked right up until we each of us arrived at our respective date locations that night, his location being a place that I actually recommended he take her to.

Comedy Club

That night was my first date with a guy who we will call Secret Agent Man. Technically he is a special agent, not a secret agent, but my friends and I still break out into the "secret agent man" theme song everytime we talk about him. He is a special agent for homeland security and is currently assigned with the FBI in the Joint Terroism Task Force in the big city that I live near. Basically he investigates, tracks, and arrests terrorists in the city. Now let’s just stop right here because I know how crazy this sounds. I meet a doctor and a special agent and start dating both. Right Eden…uh huh, I am absolutely sure that happened. Trust me, I know how much Internet land is watching me right now, half of you just waiting to find some dirt on me that proves me a faker, so it would be a little brighter of me to have made them accountants and retail store managers, but I’m not lying.

So anyways, I go on my first date with Secret Agent Man and we really hit it off. He is 39 years old, has never been married, he has no kids, but his sister and brother in law have lived with him for the last year while their house is being built and they have a 4 and 7 year old, so he has a pretty good idea of what it’s like to have kids around all the time. He is always up for anything and is amazingly generous towards me to a point that it almost makes me uncomfortable. I tell him that I’m sort of seeing someone else and he tells me that he is also sort of seeing someone else as well. Perfect! We are on the same page.


Secret Agent Man and I had birthday's two days apart, so we had fun making fun of our 8 year age difference






And look, Doctor Dude was totally supportive of my date with Secret Agent Man


Fast forward to where we are now and this is how things have been looking; Doctor Dude and I are a couple and we are what would be considered each other's primary partner. I am also a couple with Secret Agent Dude, and Doctor Dude and Secret Agent Dude each have another girlfriend. What transpired was a polyamorous relationship. I wasn't setting out to get into one, it just seemed to happen because no one actually commited to being monogomous and yet our relationships continued to strengthen. For those of you who aren't familiar with polyamory, it is basically having a committed relationship with more than one person. It is different than casual dating in the fact that you have actual relationship's with these people and you are not just "dating around" (it is not group dating, each person has their own individual partners/relationships. We aren't swingers).

Honestly, I love it, I really do, but this is not what I was setting out to do. I was setting out to have a "real" relationship with someone, not "someone's." This is not the example that I want to set for my kids. I have been able to hide the relationships from them up to this point, but I can't do that forever. I am also willing to be open to the theory that by not committing completely to one person, I don't have to let my wall completely down either. In the interest of personal growth and the betterment of my children, I think that monogamy might be good for me.

Which is ironic because now this is happening;

Secret Agent Dude broke up with his other girlfriend because he wants to be an exclusive couple with me. I guess polyamory only sounds like a great idea until people start to get really attached.


Also, Doctor Dude just moved three hours away, which means building a solid relationship would be harder now, but honestly, I’ve totally fallen for him.

So here I’m left with Secret Agent Dude who I really, really, like, who I definitely do see long term potential with, who wants me to drop Doctor Dude and be with just him. There is something about him that makes me feel very comfortable, almost safe. I don’t mean “safe” like safe in the fact that he can carry his gun on an airplane, but safe in the sense that I truly feel like he has my best interests at heart. Safe in a way that makes me want to trust him and that scares me a little.



But I also don't find myself feeling the way I think I should about Secret Agent Man. He isn't particularly my type physically and he blows me out of the water when it comes to social awkwardness. While I have a great time with him, I find myself wondering if we would be better off as just friends, but I have a bad pattern of never falling in love with the guys that I should and I'm trying to change that. He doesn't deserve to be dragged along for the ride though while I figure it out.

Secret Agent Dude took me out for my birthday. He got me my own FBI kit and official Terrorism Task Force shirt so that I could come with him on "take your kid to work day." He also got me suckers since "kids" like candy. Guess I shouldn't have made fun of him so much for being old.....




Then there is Doctor Dude. There is something about Doctor Dude that I just can’t shake. Something about him that gets me going in every way. We have talked about it quite a bit and Doctor Dude wants to stay together and see where things go, but I could never ask him to move away from his kids and the chances of me leaving a place that I love so much are unlikely so I feel like "what's the point?" Yet despite my usual easy break-ups, I can't imagine letting him go. He and I have talked quite a bit lately about making our relationship exclusive, yet the distance is a killer.

Let the record state that despite the title of this post, I haven't slept with either of them. We have partaken in other adult activities, but I have yet to bang either one.

Blogland, HELP. I always make the wrong decision. I always choose the wrong guy! My brain says to go with Secret Agent Man who treats me like a princess, but yet I'm not sure my heart is in it. What my heart is saying is to go with Doctor Dude, but my brain is reminding me that he moved away and is living a lifestyle that I will probably want to be leaving soon.

Should I just break up with them both and start over?

Advice please!

40 comments:

  1. I so wish I could give you advice, but considering the love life I've had...well, it's best I just don't(I just spent last weekend bawling my eyes out, because I've come to realize a lot about my opposite sex love life).

    Secret Agent, and Doctor Man, both sound lovely :) Too bad men aren't like cats - you can't have as many as you want ;) Oh well, I guess I'll grow old as a Cat Lady then :)

    Best of luck, and I'm looking forward to seeing the advice commenters offer!

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    1. Aw, don't cry :(

      Who says you can't have as many as you want lol!? You just need to find the right ones lol

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  2. I am so not qualified to give dating advice, so take anything I say with a pinch of salt (or your own choice of seasoning). But decisions/general advice/my random thoughts...here goes.

    First: You wouldn't be taking anyone along for the ride - nobody knows in advance whether a relationship is definitely going to work out or not, and most people have doubts of some kind. Whatever you decide, know that deciding to give something a go is NOT the same thing as deliberately stringing someone along. The latter is when you KNOW you're doing that and don't really want to be with someone except for (whatever it is you want), as opposed to genuinely giving something a go despite being not entirely certain.

    The real question is, do really want to ditch either of them right now, or is it just that you're being pushed (nudged might be a better word?) to do so and/or feel like you 'should'? Maybe you need some more time, maybe one or other of them will/won't respect that...I just mean, try not to rush a decision because of pressure (deliberately applied or otherwise) from either of them (or yourself). If you're not ready to decide right now, maybe try saying so? See what they both have to say and what happens next?

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    1. I've been really upfront about my feelings, but it hurts when I see him trying SO hard and I'm just not where he is yet. It makes me feel bad! I know it shouldn't, but it does.

      I really don't think I'm ready to ditch either, but I think if I don't I'll lose Secret Agent guy and I really like Doctor Dude but with him being so far, is it dumb of me to let a great guy walk away for one that won't work out? Its not that I like Secret Agent Guy less, its just that I'm not at "that point" with him yet.

      Ugh so confusing

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  3. The one thing I learned is that even though I was taught by others not to trust my heart, my heart has NEVER led me astray. If I'd listened to my heart all along, I'd be a much healthier person. My head, on the other hand.....It helps me come up with all kinds of reasons and excuses to not listen to my heart, and I always end up with the shitty end of the stick when I do that. Your heart guides you for a reason, Eden!
    From my all-time favorite book, "The Gifts of Imperfection," by Brene Brown:
    "Intuition is not independent of any reasoning process. In fact, many psychologists believe that intuition is a rapid-fire, unconscious associating process--like a mental puzzle. The brain makes an observation, scans its files, and matches the observation with existing memories, knowledge, and experiences. Once it puts together a match, we get a "gut" on what we've observed....In my research, I found that what silences our intuitive voice is our need for certainty. Most of us are not very good at not knowing. We like sure things and guarantees so much that we don't pay attention to the outcomes of our brain's matching process."
    There's my take on that. My second contribution is that you don't have to make a decision right now today that is the only decision you can make on the matter for the rest of forever! You can change your mind, make a different decision, go a different direction any time you want to. I know it seems like you're in a pressure cooker over this thing, but the reality is that you have nothing but time. You have time to weigh your decision, pray about it if that's your thing, talk to other people, talk to the people involved, talk to yourself, talk to your kids, get more information, etc. It doesn't sound like either of these guys are going anywhere, and neither are you. You have the ability to choose freely and often, and follow your best judgement at the time. *hugs* Hang in there!

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    1. Ooooooo, I REALLY like that book excerpt. Thank you for taking the time to share that with me!

      This is definitely giving me some food for thought.

      As always, thank you for the great advice my dear!

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  4. If time is what you need, they should give it to you. Even before getting started, you made it clear that you were not looking for a monogamous relationship (yet). So, since you're not just trying to live in a polyamourous dream despite of everybody else's feelings, you can ask for some more time. If you fear they won't be happy with that, or that you may hurt them, maybe you should ask yourself if it's good to start a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your feelings and your needs. It's just a little more time, maybe elederly people find it a little harder to cope with that :) , but I think it'your right to ask for it!

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    1. Hahaha! The elderly part cracked me up!!

      You are right. They both got into it knowing where I stood and I think it should be ok if I'm not ready to suddenly change the game plan. I guess I'll have to be having a talk and see what happens!

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  5. Mzfuss and Windmill both give very good advice! I was in a similar situation many years ago, though I sort of liked one guy a bit more than the other. But my deciding factor was that, while both made it known that they wanted to be exclusive, one was willing to give me my space and let me decide while the other pressured me. In the end I ended up going with the guy that gave me the grace to make my decision in my time while still maintaining a relationship with me. We will be married 31 years in July!

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    1. Aw! Well yay for you! I'm glad it worked out so well :)

      I hate to be so cliche with "if Im worth it you will wait for me," but at the same time I don't really want to be pushed. I wouldn't fault him for leaving, but I still don't want to be pushed.

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  6. The secret agent looks like less of a complication, no ex, no kids, closer to you, you say he makes u feel safe and that you can trust him, so what else do you need? Ofc he can be sent away on a mission to kill Putin or something but then if you are married you would get a check for life wooot.

    You didnt say anything about the doctor making you feel safe and the way you put the relationship it seems you see it as hard to maintain and is more like an infatuation.

    So imo the way you described both relationships it seems pretty much u know what to choose you just like having two guys falling for you lol :P

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    1. there is something to be said about the guy that just takes your heart though & I think that's Eden is saying about the doctor guy, although it does seem like it would be as you said difficult to maintain

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    2. Ha! Jon I really like them both lol. Yes, they both fell for me, but I also fell for them and one of them fell for someone else as well. I'm not over here hoarding men ;) Men. I collect them.

      Yea, on paper Secret Agent Guy fits the bill, but I don't know, there is something about Doctor Dude that I just don't want to lose....

      Gah.

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    3. You don't have to lose Doctor Dude! I agree with Jon, Secret Agent Guy seems like the better deal. I would choose him and stay friends with Doctor Dude, tbh. :)

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    4. I don't know if I could just stay friends with Doctor Dude, I like him so much :(

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    5. Who do you think would make a better best friend? Because at the end that's all there is , you have missed a lot of chances at happiness for not choosing your best friends. Maybe is time you decide unemotionally and like if it was a lifelong business investment, it will save you some grief.

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    6. But don't you kind of feel if you are going to choose unemotionally, then why have someone at all? I guess I just sort of feel like if I don't have someone that I'm attracted too, then I might as well just stick with my girlfriends lol. Or if the person isn't everything that I need emotionally, then I'd rather wait for the next person.

      I don't know....

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    7. Emotions blind you to things that should be obvious when you think about coldly. You are so "in love" with the person that you cant see all those flaws and warning bells.

      You ever had a friend that is in a relationship claiming to be in love saying the guy/gal is the most wonderful person in the world but you see things about the guy/girl that look totally off or shady and you bring it up to their attention but they try to justify him/her and are totally oblivious to it?

      You say you love them both so basically you are just choosing the better/safest partner out of them, just list pros and cons of what you want in a husband and what you expect from them in the long run. Who would make you happier and be a better father for your kids, who will keep you safe.

      You are never gonna meet someone that matches 100% of your requirements maybe you wanna piece a whole guy together out of them two Frankenstein style? :P

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  7. If I had your history, I'd be extremely hesitant to enter into a monogamous relationship too. I think it's time for thought experiments. Where do I see this relationship going? How would this work? How often would we see each other? Would we eventually cohabitate? Marry? How would this work with the kids? What if things turn sour? Is he worth the risk? Why do I like him? Is there anything about him that reminds me of the bad parts of my past? Would I return to old patterns? Is this the kind of man I want around my children? Would he be a good surrogate father? Would he help me around the house? Would he support my dreams and help me reach them? What am I willing to do to be with him? What am I willing to give up to be with him? Is this a man I can be proud of?

    Sex is great, sex is fun, but sex won't do the dishes (though it might pay the bills). You obviously have some chemistry with FBI guy if you've been fooling around. He may not be the tallest man but it sounds like you've developed a good rapport. The man I married is not my "usual" type-- he's skinny, blond, and introverted-- but there's magic here that there has never been with my type. Answer the questions and take a good long look and it will make your way clear.

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    1. I think she said she fooled around with both of them but slept with neither.

      All great advice though!

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    2. I thought of some more questions to ask yourself last night as I was falling asleep. Do I like who I am when I'm around him? Am I my best self around him? Have I met his friends? What are they like? Do I like them? What do my friends think of him? How does he treat waiters and valets?

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    3. Love the question about waiters/valets. My exhusband was a complete asshole to waitstaff. That should have been a clue.

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    4. That's funny, I always watch how they treat the staff too!! I always sneak a peak at the tip they leave! I think it tells a lot about a person when you see how they treat someone they have no real vested interest in.

      We are smart people on this blog aren't we! You guys rock :)

      *hugs*

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    5. So many good questions Sara!!! Thanks for thinking all of those up for me! I'm going to really take some time and think about them. I like what you said about being my best when I'm around each of them. So much to think about.....

      Yes, I haven't gone "all the way" with either of them. I really just don't feel like complicating things with sex until I've figured a little more out. Don't get me wrong we definitely have "fun," I just don't want to do everything with someone I might not be with for a long time. It's not worth it to me.

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    6. ARG!! I had a really nicely thought out reply typed out and then blogger ate it!

      The best self idea comes from Goethe. I was going through my music and came across a song called "Dedication" which has a line in there about how the beloved is the poet's good spirit (guardian spirit) and better self that stuck in my craw. I was thinking about the show Nashville and about how Juliette was with the billionaire. She really enjoyed his company and liked the guy, but he brought out every bad impulse she had and made it worse. Then there's Avery who she is with now and brings out her good and creative impulses.

      Anyway, all I want for you is the magic. We all deserve that in our primary relationship.

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    7. I hate when that happens!

      Thanks for the references :) We all deserve the magic :)

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    8. Now if we could just find where the magic is hiding....

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  8. I know I already responded but felt I needed to say one more thing,,,do not discount that little "something" that nibbles at the back of your mind. Jon said to not be emotional about it but, face it, Jon is a guy. Women make decisions differently. What he said was good, the questions that Sara thought up were good too but you said "there is just something about Doctor Dude!". On paper one of my two guys looked like the better choice, though he was the one that pressured me. But there was something about the one I chose, something that made my heart sing (and still does!). Do not discount that....what we call intuition is, in my opinion, generally our brains seeing what is not obvious on the surface. Also, why did Doctor Dude leave? Was it work, or already planned? Can you go too? Are you invited to join him? Plus this does not have to be an either or situation. If one is out of the picture it does not mean you then HAVE to choose the other.

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    1. He left because his ex moved to be closer to her family, she had some issues she needed to work out and even though they have joint custody of the kids, he signed the paperwork saying she could move. He was finishing out his contract at work and when it expired, a few weeks ago, he moved to be closer to his kids. I would never move and he can't just leave his kids, so it seems doomed ;(

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  9. Given that you were allegedly the victim of child abuse, I find the fact that you can so easily toss around comments making light of child abuse a little more than disturbing.

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    1. Oh look, irene is still here! I have no idea what she is.talking about, as usual, but she is still here running her mouth. Eden, i think someone has a lil blog crush on you, she cant seem to stay away!

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    2. Dear Irene, this comment section is for people who want to add something positive to the conversation. You don't belong here.

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  10. I would say, listen to your intuition. That has ALWAYS worked for me, sometimes I just need to talk it out with someone who knows me really well. It sounds like your intuition is telling you that neither of them are right for a committed, monogamous relationship at this point, but I could be wrong.

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    1. I'm definitely trying to listen to that tiny little voice whispering in my head lol. This is a new thing for me!!

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  11. This may make you mad, but just had to throw this out there as someone who is a survivor of child abuse (me)... the fact that Secret Agent man gave you like lollipops and toys for your birthday making fun of your age difference creeped me out a little bit. I know you two were just joking around, but something seems off about it to me. It could be just me because of my history, reading into things, seeing things that aren't there, etc... so take this with a grain of salt. :) But I have been in similar situations to yours multiple times where the dynamic was joked about in a very similar way and they all turned out to be pedophiles and horrible people even though at first they seemed amazing. In your case, I hope I'm being a freak and totally off base and he's just a playful, funny awesome man who makes you happy in which case you can just write this comment off as some crazy anon person from the internet. :)

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    1. Nope doesn't make me mad at all. I think this post was a victim of bad editing, because what I didn't explain was that I started the age jokes. His birthday was a few days before mine and I made fun of him relentlessly for being "old" now. Last year in his 30's before I stick him in a home! I kept teasing him that I had like 8 more years to catch up to him because I was "practically still a kid." He was innocently retaliating but I can definitely see how it looks creepy from an outsiders perspective.

      After being with my ex, who I realize is now some kind of pedophile, I definitely have my alerts up. In fact when I opened the candy I actually said "Yea, that's not creepy at all" in a very sarcastic tone. He replied with "yea, it didn't really play out as funny as I had imagined it."

      The toys were because I kept telling him that I wanted to go to work and hunt down some bad guys, that I had a list a mile long. He tried to take me to the shooting range but I FREAKED because I hate guns, so he gave me some fake props. In fact he told me I could now speed and just flash them my badge and I told him that if I was going to pass the badge off as real then I should probably be able to explain why I have a "real" gun and no gun permit.

      It was much more innocent than it looked here :)

      Thank you for your opinions and thoughts :)

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  12. I think if you have to sort of prod yourself to get feelings for Secret Agent (and they just leap right up there for Doctor Dude) then obviously Doc is your real choice. Don't settle for Agent just because he's great "on paper" and he's there. !!! Way back before twitter and texting they used to have little acronyms for personal ads, and one was GUD... it meant "Geographically UnDesirable." (Especially in New York, people would probably even turn down Brad Pitt if he lived too far away to see conveniently...) GUD was a big thing to weed out prospects as being thumbs-down (before ever giving them a chance.) Anyway, just because Doc is currently GUD at the moment doesn't mean he always will be, maybe the ex is flighty and fickle and will move yet again (who knows.) ?! Also, WHY will you "never" move from an area that has the family from hell, the neighbors from hell, the mortgage from heaven but you STILL can't afford it anyway, etc., etc.? What if things get serious with Doc and you two decide to get something TOGETHER?!!?! (It could happen!) Never say never, don't close any doors! Anyway, back to Doc and Agent... to me, the most important part of all of it is that with Doc, the two of you laugh in the same language. (And Agent just misses the mark there, it sounds like.) Desire is great, compatibility is great, shared values, you name it, but in the end, somebody who "gets" you is the best! (Just sayin'.....) !!!

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    1. Ugh doctor dude is so perfect but a total "GUD." And what if is ex is flightly and moves all over the country? I can't be following her everywhere :(

      I'd never move at this point bc I'm actively working on the nonprofit. The neighbors from hell are moving now! Yippee!! The family might push me over the edge at some point...but it's currently holding his own.

      I think the geography would be a different issue if we had been together longer, if we had more to build on than just the beginning of a relationship. Now that he has moved its definitely harder.

      Maybe its time for a clean slate :/

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  13. Dang, this is a tough thing! While it seems easy with Agent guy because he has no family, he's close by & totally digging you, and harder with Doctor guy because he has a family & is now 3 hours away, I think that having a gut feeling about Doctor guy is the reason you can't decide.

    I was friends with my man first (at 17) & didn't really see him romantically, we just had a class together, but after spending time with him I did start liking him & 10 years later I just can't imagine my life without him. Love is hard & just because you have a gut feeling about Doctor guy now doesn't mean it will stay forever & you could develop that feeling for Agent guy.

    I can't speak about one having & one not having kids because I don't have any & obviously you have kids so I don't think that's a deal breaker for you, but I can say that long distance relationships suck (we were 8 hours away for almost a year) because just talking & emailing is not the same as experiencing things together.

    Good Luck & remember that life is always changing & another guy could come into your life & change it all - you just never know!

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    1. Awwww, I love cute little love stories like that! I hope to have my own someday but for now I'm living vicariously through others lol!

      You guys all have such good advice, I love hearing everyone's opinions so thanks for sharing :)

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