Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Boyfriend Application

So, I’ve been thinking (scary, I know). As much fun as I’ve had with this whole serial dater thing I’ve had going on, I think it might be time to try out an actual relationship. I finally feel like I am at a point where I know who I am, what I deserve, what I expect, what I want and need, and I feel strong enough to walk away when I’m not getting it. I also know, for once in my life, not only what I can reasonably offer to someone, but also what I want to offer to someone. I know where my boundary lines are. So all of this got me thinking, if I were to put out a personal ad looking for a boyfriend, what do you think it might look like? Possibly something along the lines of this?

Recovered emotional wreck seeking stable relationship with normal man. Must meet several criteria:

All applicants must be between the ages of 30 and 39 years old, be at least six feet tall, and have amazing teeth. All other physical attributes will be judged on a case by case basis. Applicants must not live with their mother or ex girlfriend as a roommate. Applicants must be gainfully employed. No applications with criminal histories will be processed. Applications will also be denied if there is a history of extreme debt, crazy families, or ownership of fish tanks.

Once your application has been approved, the applicant will begin a trial period where as a series of tests will be presented to him before he is allowed to move on to a more permanent position.

Examples of said tests include the following:

Defending my honor: If my ass or any other part of me is grabbed anywhere, at anytime, I expect the applicant to handle the situation. This is a trick test, because there are actually two parts. While defending my honor, it must be done in a way that says “don’t touch that, it’s hers,” and not “Don’t touch that, I’m the only one allowed to do that, because it’s on her and she is mine.” There is a subtle, yet distinctive difference there.

Protecting me from scary harm: If we should encounter a bug, creature without fur, or any creature with fur that I deem frightening, I expect the applicant to handle the situation. No trick test here, but bonus points for speed.

High shelves, heavy things, screw top wine bottles, and jars: I expect the applicant to handle all of these things without me asking. This is a quasi trick test, because I expect him to treat me as his gender equal, except for things where I might admit I need his manly muscles, like the aforementioned tasks. But since I won’t readily admit that I NEED his manly muscles, he should handle said tasks without me asking, per the first line in this paragraph.

Applicants must accept my children: The title of that was fairly self explanatory. There is a fine line on this test though, for applicants must like my children, but if they think they might “like” my children too much, the applicant is highly urged to purchase a burial plot before sending in their application.

Applicants must tell me I am beautiful at least as often as they tell me I am sexy. I want to be the woman of their dreams, not just the woman of their fantasies.

Now if an applicant should be able to pass all of those tests, there are a few things that he must also be able to tolerate on a semi regular basis. These include the following:

Applicants must be able to tolerate obnoxiously loud singing in the car. I will also be in control of the radio. I have amazing musical taste, and it would be a shame not to share it with the world. The singing on the other hand, might not be amazing, but it’s amazingly fun, so they will just have to learn how to deal with it. Applicants must not be embarrassed by car dancing, and are encouraged to join in. He must also be able to refrain from getting upset when I change the station mid song. Repeatedly.

Applicants must be able to tolerate at least two lazy days a month. Days must include lounging in a pillow pile, movies, snuggling, and a snack buffet.

Applicants must be able to tolerate at least two crazy days out a month. Days might include a musical venue, sporting event, local festival, and lots of spontaneity.

Applicants must be able to tolerate a delicate balance of throwing some very crazy themed parties together, and spending time apart from each other as well.

Applicants must be able to tolerate being continuously fed copious amounts of baked goods. Nachos will considered their own food group, and all applicants must be ok with the fact that they make up the base of my food pyramid.

Applicants will not be required to run to the store for tampons, but will be required to perform at least several quarterly midnight milkshake runs.

Applicants must also be able to tolerate receiving a ridiculous amounts of text messages that were not originally intended for them. Wrong number texting seems to be an inert brain flaw of mine, seeing as how I function at what I would consider to be at an at least normal level of intelligence, except when I am texting, in which case I lose about 50 IQ points. I'm ok with it, and he would need to be too.

Applicants must be able to tolerate snuggling before bed, but if said applicant shall fall asleep draped over me, said applicant must not be offended if I wriggle out from under him. There is nothing quite like 200lbs of man asleep on top of 100lb me. I enjoy breathing.

Applicants must be able to tolerate walking next to me on the beach, even if passerby's are shielding their eyes in both horror and pain as my translucent pale skin directly reflects the sun off of it, and blinds anyone within a one mile radius. Applicant should come prepared with UV protection sunglasses for himself and SPF 785 sunscreen for me.

Applicants must be able to tolerate living with the ever impending element of surprise. Often times the first time I think about what I am saying is as I hear myself speaking it. This can be surprising for all parties involved.

Applicants must be ok with hearing an unnecessary amount of facts, statistics, and quotes on a daily basis.

If an applicant can handle all of those things on a regular basis, he will be permitted to move to the final phase of the application process. In order to be accepted as “the boyfriend,” he must be aware of the following.

I strictly abstain from camping: I have a strict policy against sleeping inside of enclosed umbrellas. I will gladly tend house while you go camping, but I must not be required to actually attend said camping trip. All other vacation destinations are approved.

In closure, please read the disclaimer.

I am a work in progress. It has taken me a long time to get anywhere close to where I am now, so I must be handled with care. If you are able to do that, you will be well rewarded. I am fiercely loyal, and unabashedly honest. I know what it’s like to hurt, and I would never want to hurt him. I have compassion that surpasses the understanding of most, which means his feelings will always be important to me. I will rejoice in his triumphs and cry when he struggles. I am strong, and I can hold us together even in the worst of times. I have faith when others flail, and I see hope where others don’t. I am determined to get what I want out of life, so I will never be the anchor that weighs us down. I smile through my tears, and I won’t drag him down with complaints. When others see a roadblock, I see a challenge, where others see regret I see lessons. I know what it’s like to be unwanted, so his love and friendship will never be taken for granted. I know what having nothing feels like, so I am not one to be greedy and don’t place much emphasis on what money can buy. I find happiness in the simple gestures, so I don’t require much. My perceptions of what true hardship is are rooted deeply in my soul, so therefore I am happy most of the time. I am clear headed and even tempered, and I would rather communicate calmly than argue with him. I want someone who cares that I have woken up in the morning, and someone who cares that I have made it through my day. I cry easily and I cry often, mostly because all of my edges have already been worn away, but my sensitivity is a blessing when it comes to me understanding what you need. I am naive in that I love people I shouldn't, so please help me protect my heart, and don't hurt it any further. I want someone to walk through life with, holding their hand, and smiling at the world. My world is a pretty bright place, and I think having someone to share it with would make the brightness shine just a little bit farther. But so help me world, if any applicant tries to burn out my light.... well, I am not at liberty to say, but I highly recommend the applicant avoid doing that.

All applications will be rigorously screened, as the application process has been flawed in the past. We are working with a new system now and are fairly confident that the errors have been corrected.

Please see also: If an applicant’s office has a security camera, please make note of this in the application.



34 comments:

  1. Your personal sounds totally fine... except for the part about a height requirement and having to have outstanding teeth... ?! I mean, how would you like it if a guy placed similar restrictions in HIS ad? (And, what if the perfect guy was out there but he was only 5 foot 10? Obviously you can say "no midgets please", of course, but otherwise I think you should be more worried about things like smoking/drinking, criminal record, etc., etc.) ;-)

    --And how about weight? ("Must not weigh 400 lbs?") Maybe that should be politely phrased in some fashion? Isn't that MORE important, actually? (a guy is much better at 5 feet 9 & 170 than 6 feet tall but 270, right?) Just sayin...!!!

    And as far as teeth, I can understand wanting to be sure he HAD teeth... (yes, I think that's acceptable, "must have own teeth!") but you should really be more worried about BREATH ("cannot wilt daisies at 20 yards or kill flies whenever opening mouth...") :P

    No, seriously, I realize this is all over-the-top here, but I'd rather have a guy who BRUSHES his (normal, average,) teeth regularly (wouldn't you?) than one who happens to have perfectly straight charming ones but may not actually even own any floss or mouthwash (besides, if they would admit to having wonderful choppers it means they know it, do you really want some insincere toothpaste commercial bozo flashing the pearlies at you like Dudley DoRight?) :P

    Much better to say "must have NICE (great, wonderful, fantastic, awesome) SMILE!" (Really, that makes up for a subtly crooked eyetooth or a slight overbite any day, in the long run.)

    O.k., will quit now, just in a mood here obviously (sorry!), but seriously, I always get totally offended when a GUY says "want 'em tall and blond", etc. So am thinking you might not want to be so arbitrary about ANY physical characteristics (that whole book by it's cover thing, etc,) and focus much more on personality issues ("kind to animals", "pays bills on time", "doesn't call women by sexist nicknames", "doesn't drive like a fool", "tosses pizza boxes and Chinese food containers out in timely fashion", "doesn't have vast library of porno flicks", "can use knife and fork with proficiency", "no photos of exes on prominent display", "doesn't wait for the cleaning fairy to appear from the sky but scrubs bathroom on occasion and knows where to put away own socks", etc., etc.) You know?

    And wait, how about "no weird hobbies or single-minded special interest please" (or you too could spend hours 'admiring' his collection of dryer lint or reluctantly attending peculiar gatherings or conventions in distant towns celebrating strange specific collectibles, obscure writers, long past tv shows, or strange movie cult classics, often complete with costumes.) :P

    Oops, think I went over the HTML character limit here...?! Anyway, GOOD LUCK!!!!

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  2. Yep, I used up the character limit! So back again to complete the thought there... ;-) (Same song, 2nd verse, ha ha!) There are just SO many things that need to be said, to screen out the "undesirables", really!

    Such as, "Be aware that I don't find belching the alphabet or crushing a beer can on one's forehead attractive, thank you", ("and even less so if you're quoting or reenacting anything out of either the movie Animal House or Porkys!". Despite them supposedly being 'classics'...")

    And how about, "Please, NO guys who have more toys than my kids, o.k.?", and, "Would rather not interact with anybody who actually owns their own set of chain mail thank you", plus "If you speak fluent Klingon don't even call me". (Actually, you could probably sum it all up -mostly- by just saying "Please, nobody out of the Big Bang Theory...") !!! ;-)

    O.k., have barely scratched the surface here of the TRULY important concerns re: Date/Relationship 'Requirements'... ("must be able to dress self without looking like did so in dark and/or from floor of closet", "does not own a membership card to any gentleman's club", "should understand that birthdays or special/sentimental calendar dates -should- trump football games", "owns an actual suit... that currently fits.... that is from this decade...", "has a passenger seat in car with a real floor vs a giant trash can aka 'the graveyard of ancient fast food detritus'...", and last but not least, the all important "doesn't have a whole posse of friends* collectively called 'The Guys', or even 'The Boys',".... !!!)

    * friends in general are fine, it's "The Boys" you have to worry about. (!) (No good comes from attempts at relationships where he's always off with the buddy-roos, o.k.? And/or listens to their opinions as if they were at all credible, which they generally always are NOT. Since they are all major cases of arrested development usually, or they would be in their OWN relationships instead of "hanging around" with each other like they're still teenagers instead of teetering on the brink of incipient hair loss.)

    But, I really will stop now, all right? O.k., I know I was on a roll there both times (sorry.) :P

    Anyway, best of luck with your proposed Personal... !! :)

    But another way you could approach this "project" would be to try and get involved in some local (free) activities and meet somebody in person (Parents Without Partners? etc., etc.)

    Because if a picture is worth a thousand words, an actual face conversation is even better. (And the best part is with casual interaction you can see how they dress and what they drive and how comfortable they are with themselves without any fancy footwork trying to set up the whole "meet for coffee" thing.) :)

    But, whoever, however, whatever, whenever, I do sincerely wish you GOOD LUCK!!!

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    1. Oh my gosh, you had me laughing so hard. So very true on a lot of it. I distinctly remember telling a guy once " I will never be at the point in a relationship where it is ok for you to fart in front of me." He told me "Well I will be." and I was like "Then I wish that girl the very best."

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  3. You had me laughing out loud there--that was a fun read, and edited, it might be a piece you could actually sell.

    In all seriousness, the "great teeth" part of the application was one I'd advise you to actually keep, or at least consider. Obviously, there are reasons beyond poor dental hygeine for not having perfect teeth, but the average person at age 40 should still have a mouth mostly full of decent looking teeth. If someone doesn't care enough about themeselves to brush and floss every day and see a dentist at least once a year, how much are they going to care about you?

    Apart from that, my other suggestion would be to take the time to meet the guy's family, and not make any life-altering decisions before you've come to love and be loved by the whole group. Marriage, as you have found out, is not just between two people, but between two families. You don't need another whacko mother-in-law. You also want to see how he treats his female relatives, and how his father treats his female relatives. If disrespect for females is part of the family culture, I'd run, not walk from the relationship. He might be different from his family, it's true. But chances are well above average that he's not.

    Finally, date for at least a year before you decide that this is the guy of your dreams. Make sure that he's compatible in many of the things you've mentioned above. He won't be perfect, but you don't want perfect because you're not perfect yourself. He needs some things that you can forgive, so that he will be able to forgive you your oddities.

    Like not liking fish. That one just floors me. (As you might guess from the comment, I have fish tanks. And fish picutres. And fish decorations. And when I draw, I often draw fish. But to each her own, I always say...)

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    1. Eh, my friend has horrid teeth at age 29 and needed a partial. His entire family's teeth are like that.

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    2. All great advice. I like to see how men treat their mothers and sisters, it really says a lot. Great advice all around, thank you :)

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    3. Leslie, I'm aware that some folks do have genetic predispositions to bad teeth. However, the vast majority of us (and this includes me) who have lost teeth early in life have done so because we haven't been particularly fussy about our dental hygeine. And given what Eden says in the next post, I understand even more her insistence on good teeth.

      Another thing to add--you need someone with a huge sense of humour and who understands sarcasm! I don't think you'd do very well with someone who takes everything you say literally. :D

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  4. Very funny! I am glad you have decided to take this step! Good luck with finding your LOVE!

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  5. :) I liked that, charming and sweet! Good luck with it, I know you'll succeed at finding the absolute right person for you and I hope one day to be able to accept and deserve love and want people to know me, flaws and strengths, without feeling dirty or afraid!
    'I know what it’s like to be unwanted, so his love and friendship will never be taken for granted'- damn, another line to make me tear up! There's always at least one!

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  6. Gurrrrrrl, I was laughing right along with you.......until I got to this disclaimer. Or maybe it was last night's onions. You deserve all this and more. I do believe he is out there, just waiting for you. He just might need a little tweeking in minor areas (who doesn't - except us LOL) and it sounds as if you are primed and ready for the job.

    My experience was kissing a few frogs thinking they were princes. I have become much more discriminating in my older years. Sadly, the pickings are slim and opportunities even fewer. So, it is a good thing you have learned how to weed out the 'undesirables' and have exacting criteria for Mr. Wonderful at your young age. Plenty of time and places to keep an eye out for him.

    My disclaimer: This is not a slam against the PWP organization. I was 28, freshly divorced with a 2 year-old, a friend told me that my local chapter met at the library. I thought how wonderful - a safe, local place to meet eligible men. Once upon a time I was considered cute, petite and friendly, so I got my share of offers. They just didn't always come from the right people or for the right things. haha So, back at the library on the first meeting I attended, a fairly attractive (bit older) gentleman started chatting with me as we fixed our coffee. There was a break about an hour later and the aforementioned 'gentleman' asked me if I would like to meet him in an empty conference room down the hall for 'some fun'. I thought "F this", excused myself, got in my car and left about 50 feet of rubber from 2nd gear getting out of there. I wasn't afraid of him; it was the daunting prospect (and sad inevitability) of too many like him in the future. Oh, to be young again! hahaha Only with today's experience and knowledge. My learning curve is much too wide and long to start as a novice again. LOL

    You've got your details down in writing. I recommend this for all the young women reading your blog. Over the years, my main priorities have not changed; but, some of the finer details have changed/dropped off/become more important. Now, they must have their own home, live alone, make/have more money than me (not a stretch), have good health insurance and false teeth are ok. LOL

    Glad you are taking us along with you on your search. I just know this will be an interesting journey. Here you go!

    Much love and many hugs from the east coast

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    1. Oh gosh, thats funny and crazy lol!!

      I agree, the pickings do get slimmer and slimmer. You know who says "There is a whole sea full of fish out there?" MARRIED PEOPLE.

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  7. What about the man that just recently declared his love for you? The one you were such good friends with, and you weren't sure if you really loved him back? You wrote about him on Dec 17th. Maybe now is the time to try that path with him. The worst that can happen is you break up and never speak to each other again- which is pretty much the same as the point you are at right now with him...... nothing to lose really.

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    1. You aren't the only one to have suggested that :)

      As more time as passed, I am feeling more reaffirmed in my decision. Since the piece was about trust, and that was the feeling that I was feeling when I was IN the moment, I didn't write about anything else really. The more I thought about it, yes, in that moment, I was feeling vulnerable, but why hadn't I seen him as a dating possibility before? Why had I not fallen for him the way he did for me? Because his life was not going where I wanted mine too. He doesnt have ambition. He is so smart, and so qualified to do so many things, and yet is living in a spare room in someone elses house because he is lacking the ambition to get a job that will fully support him. It was a lot of little things like that, that made me never see him as a life partner. As a friend, none of those things mattered to me because they weren't my business, but if we were going to share our lives, his problems would become my problems. :(

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  8. It takes a decent amount of time to get to know someone. This is problematic when we're trying to figure out if we want to include someone in our lives, partly because we just want to know now! But taking the time does allow us two benefits: on the one hand, we get to really figure out who people are, and how folks deal with shit. On the other hand, we get to rule people out for any reason we damned well please, which can feel exhausting, but it's ultimately fantastic.

    You're kickass. Spend the energy to take the right amount of time to do this. It will absolutely be worth it. And, I'll send a little luck your way. Hopefully you'll feel it in the form of a warm fuzzy tingle.

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    1. Hahaha, I will happily take your good luck fuzzy tingly feelings :)

      I am doing my best to stay patient and take my time. It's hard sometimes, but well worth it. :)

      Thank you for being here for me!

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  9. ^_^ I did laugh a little, and I hope you find someone. You know what you want, so stick to your conventions and don't lower your standards. *hugs*

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  10. That had me laughing out loud! If only it were that easy to find the right guy - but it's a start!! :-)

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    1. Haha, I'm glad you laughed!! Got to start somewhere I guess :)

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  11. I'm 5'11", but I wouldn't want to date somebody with kids anyway! Once you've had kids you are damaged goods.

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    1. Ha, wow, you sound like a fun person. That's ok, I wouldn't date you either, not because you are 5'11, but because you are obviously an asshole.

      Going with your theory though, that I am now damaged goods bc I've had kids, I guess I at least have a reason. What's your excuse for being such a broken human being? Or were you just evil from the start?

      I sure hope that you are too short for any woman you meet, the world certainly doesn't need people like you breeding.

      Cheers dude, have a great night!

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    2. He is probably talking about his mom. He is probably butt hurt none of the guys dating his mom wanted to be his daddy.

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    3. Pretty sure this would be one of those "piss on them" people my grandmother was talking about. But in reality, he is probably just as damaged as the rest of us. After all he was apparently spending his evening alone cruising the internet looking for ways to make himself feel better. Almost makes me feels sad for him. Almost.

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    4. Hahaha, how old are you, Anonymous, 15?? :D You can certainly not be old enough to know whom to date, otherwise you wouldn't have said something so stupid and immature.

      So don't worry, at the age of not-even-growing-facial-hair-yet you do have a fair chance of outgrowing your 5'11''.

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    5. Oh my gosh, you guys are too much. How funny!!!!

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  12. Awww, you poor thing. 5' 11" with a teeny tiny teeny weeny penis. You, idiot, are damaged goods.

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  13. OMGoodness Eden...OK, so I told you I was coming back to comment, because when I came across your site, I read everything within two days, comments and all, to know where things were at.

    I totally got your "add", and it made me chuckle, but what surprised me is the lack of sense of humour from some of the commenters...

    And checking in now - it's only got worse! OMgoodness - thank goodness you have a huge support system behind you (they're almost like your post's bodyguard's)! Unbelievable! I couldn't take their stance, because I'm kinda weak...but I have to say, man, Bravo! to those who are standing up to the insults thrown at Eden! I know you can fully stand up for yourself, Eden, but, WOW! Awesome to have this crowd behind you!

    And as for those of you who don't get it...get a sense of humour why don't you? And if you can't get a sense of humour - then if you have nothing nice to say - don't say anything at all!

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    1. Haha, to each their own I guess!

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    2. Really...geez. not much more to say about that!

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