Tuesday, August 5, 2014

I Can't Believe I Am Sharing This Story Online

So, do you want to hear a story that is really only funny at the expense of my reputation?

Sure ya do.

Well it has been a really busy few weeks around here. I feel like I have been buried up to my eyeballs in nonprofit work, things with the kids, and more work. To top it off my home seems to have a revolving door on it these days with my friends. People have been coming and going at all hours of the day and night, which I usually don't mind because hey I love the free babysitters, and yay, they keep my grown up drink cabinet well stocked, but….then there are days like Sat night.

Saturday night when you have had the longest week ever and you just want to be alone. I called my friends and told them that my community center of a home was closed and I told the two boys I'm seeing to make other plans. Suddenly I was left alone with two sleeping children, a very quiet house, a DVR calling my name, and a nicely stocked drink cabinet.

“Oh my, whatever will I find to do all by my lonesome?”

Well…I’m sure that there were many things that I could have done with my time, but what did little Miss Eden do?

She got trashed.


At 8pm.

I think I may have hit a new low point.

Ok, ok, ok, now let me explain that I had a Mike’s Hard Cranberry while the kids ate dinner, which really, is like nothing, am I right? After I put the kids to bed I was sort of poking around my fridge looking for dinner when I noticed that there was a half a bottle of Arbor Mist "wine" left, which really is the equivalent of a grown up juicy-juice, am I right? It had been open for a few days so I figured “eh, it’s going to go flat so I might as well finish it,” because really, who wants to waste a (almost) grown up drink?

Well now here I am, a hard cranberry and some juicy juice in, totally forgot to eat dinner, and I’m thinking “you know what? It’s Saturday night, let’s spice this party up a little bit.”

Now mind you I am still alone. Party of one. Yep….that’s me.

With that I break out the blackberry whiskey. There was one bottle that had like eh….maybe two inches left in it, which I sucked down like a pro. I have to admit, I was a little proud of myself.

I turned on the TV, started a show, and was a little bit bummed that I wasn’t even “relaxed.” Now mind you I am a drinker, but I am not a drinker. I'll have a drink or two but it's rare for me to even get tipsy and as far as I know I've never been full out drunk. The closest I’ve ever come to being drunk was the night when Mrs. Nutcase Neighbor and I got tipsy and went running around the neighborhood throwing things at people’s windows like complete idiots. In fact, I wish I could claim that I was more intoxicated than I really was that night because maybe then I would have a better excuse for my behavior other than “I’m just stupid.”

So anyways, here I am, lying on my couch, a Mike’s Hard Cranberry, half a bottle of grown up juicy juicy, and probably like three shots of blackberry whiskey in, and seeing as how this is much more than I usually drink, I’m a little bit miffed that I’m not even “relaxed.”

So, I do what any possibly already intoxicated logical person would do, I open another bottle of whiskey.

Three more shots later (IN A ROW MIND YOU), I’m back on the couch watching TV.

The evidence of my "party of one."

I will fully admit that I don't have any idea what I was thinking with this little plan of mine.

Clearly, I wasn't thinking.

My phone receives a text message, I pick it up, and what the hell.... why is everything in hieroglyphics? Why can’t I read anything? What is wrong with my phone?

I go to sit up….and why do I suddenly weigh 476 pounds?

Oh my gosh, I think I’m drunk.

Forget being “relaxed,” oh no, I blew right past that stop and landed in the “completely trashed” zone.

Wait… if I’m completely trashed, no way would I still be thinking this logically, am I right?

I laid there for a minute pondering this situation.

“I don’t think I’m drunk because I still feel like I'm thinking pretty clearly. If I'm not drunk, then why can’t I sit up? Oh yea, because you really are probably drunk. Oh my gosh, what if the kids need me and I can’t get up!? Wait, if I’m still having logical thoughts like this, then there is no way that I’m that drunk.”

I attempt to sit up again and find that I have noodle arms.

“Ok Eden, you are definitely drunk. OH MY GOSH I am completely drunk and in charge of two small children! This is my biggest parenting failure ever!!!! What if one of them has an asthma attack and I need to take them to the hospital (neither of them have asthma but hey, you never know when it might sneak up on you)!?!? I couldn’t even drive them! I would have to call an ambulance and tell them that I’m too drunk to be a parent right now. I am a horrible, horrible, horrible human being! Wait…if I was that drunk, I really would not be thinking this logically. You know what? You just need to walk it off. Yep, that’s it Eden, just walk it off.”

With that I managed to haul my now 476 pound body into the standing position, where I immediately stumbled in a zig zag line across my living room, misjudged the entry of my kitchen by oh….about 16 inches, slammed into a wall, and knocked myself over.

It is really kind of hard to convince yourself that you are not drunk when you are lying on the floor looking at your ceiling.

“Ok, Eden, clearly you are drunk. You need to sleep it off. Yep, sleep it off. That’s what people on TV do, they sleep it off. Except the people on ‘Trauma Life In the ER,” those people almost die after aspirating vomit in their sleep. OH MY GOSH what if my kids find me dead like that!? No sleeping!! Keep moving!!! Keep moving and work it out of your system! Nope, actually, seeing as how the leading cause of death from intoxication is head injuries that are sustained during a fall and you are already on the floor, maybe you really should just stay put. Wait…how does someone get ONLY a drunk body? If you can quote statistics to yourself, your brain is fine. How did I only get part of me drunk???”

I laid there for another minute pondering this situation and decided to add it to my “things I must Google” list.

Eventually I managed to crawl back to my phone and after 13 minutes of trying to get my fingers to work, I let all my friends know that the house was back open, come fast, watch my kids, and bring me 8 gallons of water.

I fell asleep dreaming that I was on a spinning amusement park ride and thinking about the fact that at 31 years old I had finally learned what my "limit" was; it was a hell of a lot less than what I drank. Although, I woke up the next morning feeling completely fine, so yay, go me!

Fun times.

Needless to say, I think that having a party by myself was a one time thing. Really not seeing any reason to repeat that….


  1. Haha!!! Eden I love you

  2. ROFL Good one, Eden!! Way to find your limit in a nice, safe environment. Better than doing it in public with thousands of others who might have done terrible (or super-funny) things to you while you were sloshed. :D

    I remember once I went out after work with some coworkers, and I hadn't eaten that evening, and I was late getting there, so I was playing "catch-up." I have a vague memory of the end of the evening, going around and literally snatching cigarettes from people's mouths to smoke. Now mind you, I'd never smoked anything in my life at that point. Anyway...NO memory of getting home (though I'm sure I must have driven-SO thankful I didn't kill someone) that night. And the bed-spins??? Ugh. They make me hurl every time.

    So, congratulations on joining the ranks of those who have exceeded their limits and made idiots of themselves! :)


    1. "or super funny things to you" lol!! Geesh, remember that post where my kids thought I was dead and they just went on about their business without me? I can't imagine what they would have done with me lol!

      Thanks for sharing your story lol!! Yes, the bed spinning....ugh. If I was taller or if my bed was shorter I would have had one foot on the floor!

    2. Wait... I don't remember that post... can you link it? (The one about you being "dead" and your kids carrying on... hahaha)

    3. http://itisnotmyshametobear.blogspot.com/2014/03/damn-straight-im-gonna-wear-it.html?m=0

      That's the link. It's titled "damn straight I'm gonna wear it" in march :)

    4. Thanks anonymous! Yep, that's the link. Just cut and paste it into your browser :)

  3. Hahaha! That's hilarious!! I also had to go back and read the nutcase neighbor story again. Oh my gosh, thanks for all the laughs today!!

  4. Haha... Once you do that 14, 15 nights in a row, it gets easier...

    1. HAHAHA! I would die. That would just be the end of me and you all would never hear from me again lol!

  5. I thought I was the only one with a "things I must Google list" lol!

    1. Lol!! Nope, I have an ever running list in my head :)

    2. I actually have a list titled Things to Look Up Online in my task manager app. Other lists include: Comedians to Look Up, House Things to Buy, Movies to Watch, Music to Look Up, Things I NEED in a Guy, Things to Address in Therapy and Things to Do With/Buy For [child]. :)

  6. Mike's and whiskey don't trigger your Celiac disease? I ask because I haven't had any grown-up drinks distilled from wheat, rye, or barley since discovering I have gluten issues...and am too chicken to try it because gluten makes me all but useless for the better part of three days. And as the breadwinner for a family of five I feel like that's a lot of risk to take just for a grown-up beverage. But...Mike's :(

    1. MFA Mama: check out -


      (Happy drinking!) ;-)

    2. I'm so dumb, I replied via email last night and not via comment. Duh. I'll cut and paste below what I had typed

      *Whiskey I think is typically considered gluten free BC of the distillation process, but the research does vary. All I know is that I drink it and my routine celiac panels come back with no blood reactions present. Mikes does have some gluten free one's! The rest have been distilled down to lower than the 5ppm or whatever it is that they say is safe for celiacs, but it isn't technically gluten free so they aren't labeled. Now I'm strict as hell with my diet BC I have absolutely no intestinal reaction to gluten so I don't want to be continuously getting glutened by small amounts and then wind up with osteoporosis again or cancer or something, but my friend is suuuuuper sensitive to it and Mikes don't bother her. When I was researching this all online I did see a few people say they got sick (but more that said they didn't). Maybe try a few sips someday or something? Or just stick with wine. Wine is good ;) **

      Thanks for posting the link :)

  7. That whole story sounded exactly like me! Only difference is I am a super cheap date. Two glasses of wine and I am completely useless. Hahaha! Are you sure we aren't related? Sounds to me like you would fit in beautifully with me and my bunch of friends! We are all loud mouthed and weird around here.

    1. Haha!! We could be related!! Since I'm anonymous....maybe I am one of your cousins. Dun Dun Dun..... ;)

      I have a feeling a lot of us around here would throw one pretty awesome party!!

  8. I think you are brave for posting this because I am sure many single moms have been there. I have either been there myself or close to it. And I'm sure we all have had the same thought of "Oh my gosh, I am a horrible mother, someone should call child protection on me, I was not being safe and responsible!" And we feel lucky nothing happened that night where we would have had to try to manage something serious while intoxicated. I would bet this happens way more than any moms will ever care to admit.

    1. Aw thanks :) Yea, I definitely have my "parenting fail" moments, that's for sure!

      I can pretty much garuntee this happens more than people would like to admit lol! I'm certaintly not advocating for it, but I bet it does happen!!

  9. Thank you for posting this!! You always say what most moms are thinking and let us know we are not alone. It's hard being the perfect single mom all the time. Thanks for being unashamed in admitting you are not perfect and allowing us all the opportunity to cut ourselves some slack. I love that your first thought was your children :)

    1. thanks :) I am SOOOOOO far from being the perfect version of anything!

      Yea, I thought of my kids and then I felt horrible :( Live and learn!

  10. Hahaha. Great post. :)

    I can't drink whiskey. I don't like the taste at all and it just leaves me with a horrible headache the next day.

    Mikes on the other hand? GIMME GIMME! ;)

    1. My Mike's! Stay away!! I'm drinking one now :) I'm going to stop after the one though....no one panic.

  11. You always make me smile :)

    No hangover? Way to go! :)

    1. I was pretty suprised myself lol!!

      Your comments make me smile :)