Monday, September 29, 2014

"My Name Is 'Get The Hell Off Of Me'."


I feel like over the last few months I've really come to know some of you guys. We chat over email or Facebook and often times joke that we would have fun together in 'real life'. Well, since I don't know any of you in 'real life', the best that I can do is drag you along with me on a night out; photographically. I laid everything out in steps so that you can replicate this on your own and pretend that I am with you.

(Hey, I never claimed to be normal)

Before we get started, you will need a few things.

#1 A 36 year old friend that has a 20 year old daughter who can watch your kids overnight.

#2 A designated driver.

#3 The promise of a club promoter to pick up your group's bar tab.

#4 A friend that announces upon entering the car that she is "not wearing underwear because the dress couldn't handle it." (And no, it was not me) Technically you don't really need this per say, but it's a great way to kick off the evening.

Step #1 Manage your curls.


Step #2 Buy bandaid's for inside your shoes.



Step #3 See what Walgreens has in the sex aisle. Did you know that Walgreens has a sex aisle? We sure didn't!



My beautiful friend





Step #4 Valet the car. While waiting, watch a drunk girl fall completely down the stairs and into the street. Watch valet abandon your car and drag girl out of the street. Watch drunk girl's friends take her shoes off and drag her down the sidewalk.

Step #5 Argue amongst yourselves as you stand in line waiting to get in the club, convinced that the promoter gave you the wrong password to get in for free and then try to force each other to be the one to say it.

Step #6 Arrive at the front of the line, let the doorman ring up your collective $60 cover charge, and shoot each other death glares because no one is brave enough to say the OBVIOUSLY fake password.

Step #7 Tell your friend that you can't afford to get in and hear your awesome friend bravely blurt out "Open Sesame!" Proceed to get waved right in.

Step #8 Find the club promoter that is picking up your bar tab and take full advantage of the benefits.




Step #8 Be very thankful that you put deodorant on and be very sad that many other people didn't.




Step #9 Become shocked as hell when some guy that you have NEVER met in your life comes up behind you, wraps his arms around you, presses his hard dick into your ass, and then whispers "back that ass up baby" into your ear.

Step #10 Be even more surprised that your friend happened to be taking a picture of you at that exact moment and managed to capture the look of horror on your face.

Note my shocked eyes

Step #11 Hear the creepy stranger dude breath the phrase "what's your name baby?" into your ear and reply back "it's get the hell off of me."

Step #12 Decide that you are spending the rest of the night as a lesbian and buddy up to your girlfriends.




Step #13 Play the part well.

 

Step #14 Wonder why dudes are even noticing you when there is a girl walking around wearing not much more than a (literally) flashing bra and some glowing powder.


Step #15 Watch your friend go up to a guy standing with a girl who is COMPLETELY passed out on a table, point to her own eyes, then point to him and say "I'm watching you. You don't leave her here like this and you don't leave with her like this, you got it?"

Step #16 Dance until the bandaides can't help you anymore and then get the car.

Step #17 Be thankful for your designated driver's patience as she pulls over onto the side of the road so your other friend can pee.

Step #18 Get home at 5:00 in the morning, use baby wipes to get the gross dude's breath off your neck, and proceed to fall face down on the bed.

Step #19 Hear your boy child wake up at 6:00am, curse not having a sitter for the daytime, and remember that you are no longer 21. Nope, you are most definitely 31.

Step #20 Vow to do it again very, very, soon.


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**Hi Readers!! You may have noticed but I changed a few things on the blog homepage over the weekend. I had been slowly adding new blog features over the last couple of months and the sides of the blog had gotten so cluttered it was time to do a little reorganizing. Anyways, I just wanted to give you all a heads up as to why it looks a little different!**





24 comments:

  1. Your eyes with the creppy dude!! This made me laugh way to hard. :)

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    1. Haha! Can you blame me? I felt like I was getting attacked by Big Foot. Giant hairy arms grabbing me from behind! Plus....hello....DICK. AAAAHHHH

      ;)

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    2. That guy should not have been touching you. Hello PERSONAL SPACE. I'm glad you were able to laugh it off!

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    3. I wasn't laughing at the time, assault much? I'm laughing now only because that pic of my face is a little funny. My mouth was wide open like a creepy blow up doll!

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  2. Walgreens has a sex aisle? There's a Walgreens near the office and a Walgreens near my house. I might have to investigate, haha.

    I'm not one for the club scene - I'm deaf in one ear and loud/chaotic environments just freak me the hell out - but is what that blonde girl is wearing normal? Because I cannot imagine people going out like that in public, even to a club (I swear I'm not as sheltered as this probably makes me sound!).

    Also, your face as that guy's grabbing you. So perfect. I'd have probably turned around and punched him, but I love the name you gave him.

    Also, this is afairytale84. I'm logged into my gmail for work and can't log into my personal one without logging out of this one and I'm feeling lazy at the moment. And I have a bunch of Google Docs open for various tasks that I really am not in the mood to re-open just to post a comment here. Sorry. ;)

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    1. Yep, apparently Walgreens has a sex aisle! Now I would have expected a condom section, but not sex toys and what not!

      I should have punched him lol. That's assault with a penis! Yuck! Seriously, that was so disgusting, some hairy stranger smelling my hair YUCK..

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  3. LOL!! Glad you survived the night, Eden. Sorry about the dick in your butt!!! That's what a flying elbow is for. ;)

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  4. Guys! It's just so hard! Dudes won't leave me alone! My hair! LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT MEEEEE

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    1. Jealous much? It's her blog, of course it's about her. Duh.

      I didn't think the post was braggy at all, I thought it was cute. She wasn't bragging on a bunch of guys that hit on her, she talked about one creep. Is that less than you get all year? Sorry about that....maybe it's your attitude....or your hair. Eden has gorgeous hair, maybe you could take some tips!!

      Really, I do feel sorry for you that you get jealous because someone had a good time. Your life must really suck :(

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    2. I thought you delete trolls Eden? Leaving them up but not responsing leaves kind of an ambiguous statement. Wipe them away, tell them off, or thank your supporters because they helped defend you!

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    3. *post about past life containing abuse*
      "Stop seeing yourself a mere victim."
      *post about past life acknowledging complexity in the victim-abuser relationship*
      "See! I knew you weren't really a victim! Victims are *one dimensional stereotype*."
      *post about life containing sad stuff*
      "You should make more of an effort to be positive. Happiness is a choice."
      *post about doing something fun and enjoyable*
      "Wow, how superficial can you get?"

      I don't see how Eden can win for losing, anon#1. Might as well be authentic since you can't please everyone and some people are never pleased.

      For what it's worth anon#2, I don't think the OP is coming from a place of jealousy. Nobody is *jealous* they aren't being sexually harassed in public. I think they genuinely think stuff like this is somehow a compliment and posting about it is some kind of humblebrag. And I hope they learn they are wrong through perspective and not through empirical observation.

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    4. Very well put GE, very well put. Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate that :) Immensly :)

      To the the anonymous with the question about deleting the trolls; I tend to do it at my discretion. Sometimes I don't see it until a whole thread has started and if I think the responses add to the conversation or bring awarness, I'll leave it up. (There is no way to delete a comment without deleting the replys). That's kind of what happened in the blog about me playing pranks on my ex. I thought some of the responses deserved to be heard so I left the rude comment up.

      If the original comment is outright rude or attacking, I delete it. The one above, that was just stupid. I didn't delete it because I figured if he/she didn't get her two minutes of fame she would just go scream all over the other pages of my blog and I'd have more to delete.

      I always appreciate those who come to my "rescue." It makes me smile and feel great that you all care!! I don't always reply because it eggs the trolls on, but I do appreciate the nice responses :)

      Lastly, thank you to the second anonymous who defended me!!

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    5. Oh shucks. Thanks, both of you.

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    6. Haha, what can we say, you're awesome GE!

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  5. Ha this was a fun post, thanks for sharing Eden! Fun idea!

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  6. Dude, take me with you next time! Your night sounds FABULOUS and your dress is adorable :) It's great that you took a night off to hang out like that, you go girl! :)

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    Replies
    1. Haha! That would be fun! The dress was $2.99!! I found in on a clearance rack at a super store! Thanks girly :)

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