Wednesday, September 10, 2014

This Week In Fashion Fails....

This week seems to have been one big fashion fail. 

Allow me to explain.

Remember the post "I Realized I Was The Ugliest Person At The Gym?" Well I had a gift card to Kohl's that I had been hanging onto for some time and I decided to finally change that. It was given to me as a birthday gift with the stipulation that I not spend it on the kids, so when a fitness wear sale came around I finally decided to get some running clothes that actually fit. Seems like a good plan, am I right?

"How could this possibly go wrong Eden? They are just clothes."

Well let me tell you, I was fairly shocked when I realized that stretchy or not, those clothes do not always stretch where you want them too. Since I refuse to be one of those people taking selfies at the gym I had to wait until I got home to take this picture.

"But Eden, you look so...gym appropriate!"

Look closer.

Never, ever, in my life have I had a bra ride up on me like that. Nope, I wasn't the ugliest girl in the gym anymore, I was the most promiscuous! I was running on the track and trying to alternately yank my shirt up and my bra down and it WAS NOT WORKING. Boobies were getting all up in my throat and it's a little hard to breath when they are shoved up about four inches higher than you are used to. 

Seriously, scroll up and look at the first picture and tell me that that does not look uncomfortably ridiculous.

I think I have a return to make.

If anyone happens to be at Kohls and can hear some chick in the fitting room repeatedly jumping from the bench down to the floor, don't worry about it. It's just me testing the positional security of my clothes before I buy them.

Moving on in the week, you guys my hair, oh my gosh you guys! Ever since I mentioned in the post "Things That Make You Ask Why" that I straighten my hair because random stranger people touch my curls, I have been flooded with emails from readers asking me to revisit letting my curls fly free and tips on how to make them work for me.

Please see also: You guys know a lot about hair. More than I ever knew there was to know about hair. Thank you for all the tips and tricks! It's going to take me 3 years or so to wade through them all but eventually I'll get there.

Love you!

So in an effort to be receptive to your suggestions, I decided to try it out for a few days.

Here are the results.

The first day...not so bad! I used Loreal's Ever Curl conditioner, Frizz Ease, Moroccan Oil, and because I wasn't totally convinced commited at this point, I used a heavy dose of curl relaxing cream. I then let my hair air dry. The results were tolerable (although admittedly skewed since I went in pretty heavy on the curl relaxing cream). It always shocks me how much shorter my hair is when it's curly.

Day #2 I followed the same protocol. I forgot to take a picture before I left the house so you are all getting a selfie in the car

Unfortunately the second day did not end so well. This, THIS my friends is why I hate curly hair: 

My curls are so "ringlet" like that throughout the day they end up intertwining inside of each other and by the end of the day I have hair like a messy version of Nelly Oleson from "Little House on the Prairie," which seems to draw people in like bugs to a bug light. I had two different people touch my hair and ask how I get it to stay like that! Who walks up to a random stranger and touches their hair? Apparently a lot of people where I live. It wasn't even because my hair looked great, it just looked like I had a really odd fashion sense. That was enough for me so I threw in the towel and went back to straightening it. Reader Joel, are you reading this? I tried and failed!

Continuing on in my week of fashion failures, I was with my friend at the store and she bought some hair remover cream for her face. Because I am a horrible person I made fun of her. She assured me that every girl has at least fine hair on her face so I went home, promptly climbed onto the bathroom counter, pressed my face against the mirror, and found no evidence to back up her claim. While I was doing this she was reading the box and starting to freak out at some of the warnings. Because I felt like a horrible person for making fun of her, a girl that has gone along with a good majority of my wacky idea's, I felt that I owed it to her to show my support and I agreed to do a treatment with her.

The plan was to apply the cream as soon as we got up in the morning since we would have no make-up on and then we could wash it off in the shower. 

I wasn't exactly sure where I was supposed to be applying this so I just smeared it on my face exactly where the lady on the front of the box had it her face.

So here is me, fresh out of bed, no make-up on, and wearing hair remover cream. I can't believe I am posting this for the whole world to see, but oh well, by now you all know that I'm a dork anyways.

This was me a couple minutes into the experiment. I sent this photo to my friend as evidence that I was in fact holding up my end of the deal. 

It wasn't that bad until my entire freaking face started to feel as though it had been lit on fire!
About five minutes in my ENTIRE face started burning. Not just the area's where I had applied the cream, but my ENTIRE face. When I looked at the pictures later I could visibly see that my face was several shades redder than any other part of my body. Seriously, take a look!

That shit burns!! 

At least this time the burning was on my face and not on my lady bits, but still, I wasn't a fan.

I love my friend but I ended up abandoning the last five minutes of our little hair removal project and scrubbed the flesh eating cream off in the shower. No one tell her as she does not know about this.

She lost her mustache and I got a chemical peel. Good times!

This has been a strange week in the beauty department. Between showing everyone at the gym my boobs, having strangers touch my hair, and nearly burning my face off, I think I'm going to go back to the plain old regular Eden look. Keeping up with the fashion trends seems to be a little bit more work than I am willing to put in and after this week I think I like blending in!

Mostly I'm just lazy. I'll admit it.


  1. omg the lower half of your face!

    You definitely have a much stronger jawline than I imagined.

    1. It's gorgeous!

      Her head is also kind of tilted at a funny angle in the pic from how it was taken

    2. I think it's kind of what I was expecting, you have such strong cheek bones it just fits

    3. I think I just always imagined her as very soft-faced and delicate looking, maybe because she's talked about how young-looking she is and that her nickname was Baby Blue.

      Also, really jealous of your super straight teeth. No braces, right?

    4. I think I kind of thought of her as the model type. She has very striking features, being a strong jawline, defined cheekbones, great eye shape. Just kind of what I had in mind I guess.

      Im jealous of her teeth as well. They are like the most perfect non fake teeth I have ever seen

    5. Im sitting here writing an article and watching these comments come in. This is one of the strangest conversations I've (n)ever been a part of!

  2. Oh my. You hair! I'm sort of speechless. It's amazing! (Ok. Not so speechless) But I do honestly understand you not wanting people to touch you without your permission. Do what's right for you, Eden.

    For the record, mine also turns into ringlets if it gets too long. I'll send a photo next time that happens. (I just had it cut)

    Also, thanks for the pictures. Now I know what my hair would look like long! :) :)

    1. Ha! See you're a dude though. I'm not sure I could pull off super short curly hair. Now it's my turn for you to experiment with your curls. I'm gonna need you to grow an afro mmkay thanks.

  3. Oh jeez, Eden. Squashed boobs are NO fun. You definitely need to take that back. lol

    I'm sorry everyone thinks they need to touch you! My advice, as before, continues to be....Shave your head! Nobody wants to touch it, then. Although there is a weird segment that thinks rubbing it like a Buddha-belly is ok.

    Free chemical peel! You'd think after the vagina fiasco, you'd learn that you have sensitive skin. When I was in Iceland, I treated myself to a whole day at the spa. Massage, mani/pedi, facial, the works. Somewhere in translation, however, it was never explained to me that "the works" included not only an eyebrow wax, but an eyebrow dye! Now mind you, I have blonde (very light blonde) eyebrows. This lovely Indian woman who was doing the waxing/dying/facial dyed them like seriously black as night. Then she gets to waxing, and she just can't get it perfect, so she rips the wax off the same place about 10 times in a row, making the skin around my eyebrows all sensitive. THEN she proceeds to do the facial, and I don't know what the hell she used, but it burned the shit out of the already jacked up skin on my brows. I literally had scabs on my face for a week. Along with the blackest of black eyebrows (they were nicely shaped, though). Moral of the story: Always book your spa day in the same language that you speak regularly. lol

    1. Haha!! An eyebrow dye! What kind of standard beauty treatment is that!?
      Nothing says "relaxing day at the spa" like scabby eyes!

      p.s. I would not have pegged you as a spa girl. I've never been. Maybe someday....

      Shave my head....well, it certainly would save time in the morning.

      I want to see more reader beauty fails!

    2. I think it's standard for people from Iceland-they like the dark look. I, alas, do not. lol

      I am not necessarily a "spa girl," but it is generally the healthiest way I can think of to "treat myself" that doesn't involve food or tattoos. :D

      It saves so much time in many ways! Although you do have to make sure to wear sunscreen. :D

  4. That's what you look like right out of bed with no make up!?

    I don't look like that on a night out on the town :(

    1. Ha!! Hey, I have my scary looking wake up days, we all do!

  5. I once tried to remove a mustache right before a date and I did not react well to the cream. I ended up with a swollen red raised totally obvious mustache

  6. you have a rockin body. it's gorgeous. i'm also jealous of your very smooth and creamy white skin.

    1. This was so not the direction I was expecting this post to take lol. You guys(girls) are making me blush. I'm wearing hair remover cream! Thats why I'm creamy and white :)

  7. So my daughter has the same exact hair texture as you except blonde. All the grannies are up in my kid's bizness. Luckily here on the East Coast, we have a very firm personal space bubble and no one touches me or my kid's hair. Cultivate a glare and a don't mess with me attitude, and let your hair do as it pleases. Also if you want more defined curls, ask your stylist to cut your hair to have subtle layers. Curly hair tends to banana up like that if it's been cut to be one length. Not that I speak from experience or anything. My curls are tight and springy about the diameter of a sharpie. With a lot of work I can get it to look like Minnie Driver's, but with the volume of Cher in Moonstruck. I used to aspire to Kate Winslet, but now I feel like I'm from Jersey anyway, the bigger my hair is the better!

    1. Just like they say in the south, "the bigger the hair, the closer to God!"

      I do have several different layers cut into it, but it doesn't seem to be helping :/

    2. Did you get it cut as a curly style? There's different layering techniques for if you want to encourage texture and interest in a straight hairstyle vs break up a curl pattern. Personally, I'd stop fighting my hair and just go with it and give it a good finger comb every few hours. I have enough trouble in my life without fighting my hair.

    3. I...uh....I dunno lol. I didn't know there was a difference!

      I'm going to need to check on this.....

  8. I love the hint of red that your hair has to it. You most definitely look like an Irish girl with that hair and pale skin Eden!

  9. My sophomore year of high school, I walked into the local hair salon with a picture that I swear was of you. EXACT SAME hair style. And I asked the hair dresser if she could, for the love of all that is right in this world, make my hair look like that.

    So she said she could. We got me all settled for the hour-long perm and I relaxed as I imagined how much I was going to freaking love having curly hair for the first time ever.

    An hour later, she pulls all the curlers out and...nothing. Literally NOTHING. Still straight as a pencil. She cocks her head, furrows her eyebrows, and says, "Huh. That's a first."

    So I went back the next day and we tried again. It curled...kind of. Really tight in some places and barely a curl in others. Random curls mixed with no curls and it just looked absolutely ridiculous. Hair dresser was all, "You have the straightest fucking hair I've ever seen. I'm so sorry, but now you're going to have to learn to straighten your hair."


    I'm a little jealous of your curls. Not going to lie. ;)

    1. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh my gosh that is too funny! I'm sure it's funnier for me than it was for you, but hopefully you can look back and laugh now.

      I guess you don't have to do much too it in the mornings then? No lumps and bumps to iron out?

      Wash and go hair!

    2. I was so pissed when it happened. There was something about being absurdly excited to get rid of my straight hair and having the curls so many of my friends had...and then having to learn how to straighten my hair so it looked like it used to that just really was not cool at all. Especially to my 15-year-old self.

      Looking back now though? It's hilarious. I definitely laugh about it.

      And while I do frequently wish my hair would DO SOMETHING, it is ridiculously easy to manage. I can take a shower and as long as I put a bit of conditioner in, I can run my fingers through my hair when I get out of the shower and I'm good to go. No brushing, no blow drying needed. Easy peasy.

      Unfortunately, I have to use a lot of hair spray just to keep it up in a pony tail, so that gets annoying sometimes.

    3. Haha!! Yea, I can't imagine that I would have been too happy to spend two days in that chair, fry the hell out of my hair, spend money, and then end up with nothing but more work! Ahhh!!

      But now, it is kinda hilarious.

      I am jealous that while I'm at home in my bathroom labratory with my hair straightening chemicals and machines, you are get to wash and go! Oh the extra time I would have, how I long for thee.....

    4. Luckily the hair dresser didn't charge me the second day. She was just so boggled that my hair literally DID NOTHING that first day that she told me to come back tomorrow and we'd try again, no charge.

      So I was excited...and then beyond completely let down.

      I will totally trade hair with you, haha. The grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it? :)