Ok, I'll Admit It, Sometimes I'm Just Bad At Sex

Alright, so I've said it before, I've only had consensual sex with one person (gasp!) Whatever, I don't care. It's not like I couldn't if I wanted too, I just don't care to have a dick inside of me unless it's attached to a man that I am seriously committed too.

That's me, swimming against the mainstream as usual....

But, if you are willing to roll "sex" in with "sex acts," I would say that I have partaken in sexual experiences with several or possibly more than several boys. Sometimes though I feel like the experience I have to offer is a little bit strange, kinda twisted, not what my partner was expecting, and quite possibly something he would have wished to avoid.

I don't know about you guys, but my girlfriends and I love to talk about sex, I'll be honest, we do. The thing is somehow they all seem to be pulling off amazing TV porno sex every time they do it and me? Not so much. I'll admit that sometimes I'm just awful, but them, not so much. I seriously cannot be the only girl that sometimes just cannot get the job done.

So here my dear readers, is where you come in. Convince me that I am not the ugly duckling in a pond full of sexy swans and that you too sometimes fail at being sexy.

With that being said I am going to get this ball rolling by sharing a few of my own stories (some of which I shared in more detail in the post "Dates Where I Was On My Worst Behavior") and I'm hoping that you guys follow suit and post your own stories in the comments section.



I would obviously love to be able to say that every sexual encounter I have leaves both me and my partner feeling breathless and wanting more, but really, even though I might go so far as to say that it happens a good majority of the time, I’ll be honest and say there are times when I’m just bad and my partner and I both know it.

I look back on my sexual history and in each “category” of sexual experiences, I can think of at least one major fail. Since I am exceedingly pretty confident in my overall sexual skills, I don't mind sharing with you a few of my big, fat, sexual FAILS.

Regular Sex

You would think that just straight up sex in a bed should be pretty fool proof, but nope, I managed to screw that up pretty badly one night when I decided to pull a sexy little move and ended up falling completely out of the bed. Well, to be fair, one foot got caught in the sheets and so I didn’t fall completely out of the bed, I was still a little bit hanging from the bed, but either way, that wasn’t really the move I was looking to pull off. Between the laughing and the near broken hip, that experience crashed at about the same speed as gravity pulled me to the floor.

Sex in Public

This was a pretty major fail. Let’s just say there was less room than I thought there would be in the front seat of the car and my naked ass ended up beeping the horn, which of course drew the attention of everyone in the parking lot to the fact that I was having sex in a parking lot. Yea….that didn’t really go over too well and it wasn’t exactly the memory making experience that I had anticipated it being.

Sex Toys

I was feeling a bit “creative” one night and I stopped at the adult store and picked up some edible body paints for me and my man. That seemed like a fabulous idea until several marvelous hours later when it was time for the clean-up and we realized that while edible they may be, washable they were not. We couldn’t get it out of the sheets, off the carpet, off the walls, and furthermore, we couldn’t get it off of our skin. A night that started with the intention of relaxing bliss ended in frustration and washcloth burns.

After that incident I decided that I would let him make the next adult store purchase which was another failure of an idea, seeing as how he came home with something that I can only describe as a cervix viewer. I kid you not it looked like a dildo with a lighted microscope on it; because nothing says “sexy” like a gynecological exam…am I right? After looking over the contraption or a few minutes I found myself saying “yeah…that’s not happening” and therefore ruined our second night of adult toy fun. (Let’s be honest here though girls, I’m going to have to place a little bit of the blame on him for that one.)

Oral Sex
Alright, my ego is going to get in the way here and proclaim that I have some skills in this department, but then I can't get to cocky (no pun intended) because there was the time when I was down on my partner and he suddenly grabbed the back of my head. I’m not entirely sure why it startled me, but it did and I uh….I bit his dick. Yea…that happened. I felt awful! Unfortunately it didn’t end there because not even 45 minutes later he accidentally bit my nipple. Bit, as in more like chomped. So there we were, the two of us biting each other like wild animals, and we both just gave up, took some aspirin, and nursed our wounds. As far as I know none of my friends have never bitten their partners junk on accident before.

Shower Sex

Yes, I’m giving this its own category because it’s such a big theme in movies and erotic novels, but seriously, is there a manual that I don’t know about? How is everyone having such great shower sex? Can someone please tell me because I ended up just getting my face shoved into the soap dish after 15 minutes of awkwardly trying to find a position that would even be anatomically possible.

Eventually we decided that it wasn’t working because the height difference between us was too great, which led us to the natural (and really, really, stupid) decision that he should just pick me up. I say this was a stupid decision because NO, it did not work, AT ALL. What actually happened was that he slipped, we both fell, and we ended up being so bruised and broken that we couldn’t have sex for the next ten days. How come that never happens on TV?

Boring Sex

How come none of my friends have ever had boring oral/sex? I mean I've heard them say that they weren’t really in the mood but apparently they can all still pull off an A+ porn star act without a hitch. I, on the other hand, have on occasion found myself just laying there (consensually) while I thought "if I move a little to the left I might be able to see the TV over his head and if I wriggle a little to the right if I might even be able to grab the remote." It couldn’t have been very fun for him, but what can I say? I’m just not great at putting on an act.

Foreplay

I don’t know about you, but my friends seem to always have the smoothest transitions from flirting to full blown porn style orgasms. Does it really happen like that all the time? I swear some of my most awkward moments have come just as the experience was getting started. It’s not always my fault, like the guy who whipped it out and uttered the phrase “in the name of science,” which caused my vagina to immediately seal itself shut to avoid finding out exactly what he meant by that. Sometimes though it’s just me. Sometimes I’m just a horrible, awful person who hears herself uttering the phrase “oh my gosh have you seen a doctor?” before she realized that it might actually hurt the feelings of the guy with the very bent penis.

So there you have it people; sometimes I'm just bad in bed.

Am I the only one that has been responsible for the breakdown of a sexual experience? Am I the only one that can't pull off "amazing" every single time she fools around?

I can’t be the only one.


Photo Credit
Dildo sign
Adult Content
No Sex 
No Intercourse