So, since I am a confident and rarely embarrassed version of a single woman, I am not afraid to point out that sometimes I can be a pretty horrible and inexcusably awkward human being myself. Therefore, I bring you:
Tales Of Dating An Insane Woman: Dates Where I Was On My Worst Behavior
I tend to date a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. I usually have at least three or four boys on the "rotation," giving all of them explicit instructions that I am not looking to settle down, and encouraging them to date other people. You should see their faces. "So what are we," they usually ask. "We are fun. That's what we are buddy. Fun." They are usually unamused. Why do they seem so surprised? I told them before our first date that I was not looking for a relationship, that I am, and will continue, to see other people, that I encourage them to do the same, and that I am not sleeping with them or anyone else.
Now seriously, who in their right mind would proceed into that mess? Let me tell you, a lot more than you would think. I have literally had this conversation several times before: "Well I'm busy tonight, but why don't you take out that other girl that you were talking about, and maybe we can meet up tomorrow." You know what that is? That is ABNORMAL. That's what that is right there. Abnormality at its finest.
Unfortunately, boys catch feelings a lot faster than I usually expect. Inevitably at some point, they want me to meet their families and label me "the girlfriend," and then because I am a recovering emotional mess, I break it off completely.
But before that happens, stuff like this happens.
.....Sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G
Now you wouldn't be surprised at all to learn what happens next, now would you? Of course not, because ITS ME!!! Weird stuff happens to me! So in keeping with my totally "of course that happened" life, the ground crew drives up in their little golf cart and starts trimming the lower branches of the tree. Poor date dude decides now would be the time to say "move over, I'm starting to slip (he didn't seem overly alarmed)," and of course in my overly compassionate state, I'm all "DON'T MOVE OR WE MIGHT GET ARRESTED IF THEY SEE US." There is only room for one of us in this nest buddy, and I'm claiming it for the one without the manly muscles. Can you guess what happens next?
I kid you not, dude falls out of the tree. Boom. Just falls flat out of the tree. I think he may have even bounced a little bit, I'm not really sure, it all happened so fast. I will however, tell you what happened next. Dude bounced right up to his feet and starts talking to the ground crew. Clearly he is not gravely injured, so naturally, I seize the opportunity to jump out of the tree... and run away. All the way to my car.
See, I don't need bail money, I just need to be able to run faster than dude guy. Success. That's nice girl, what a sweetheart you are. You just abandoned your possibly, but probably not, gravely injured date, to save yourself. At least I was kind enough to text him and make sure that I didn't need to bail him out. I didn't, and so the next date took place in a much safer location. I'm no longer dating him, but I'm pretty sure I'm known as the girl that abandon her date at the first sign of trouble. Oops.
Hello, I'm your debt. I mean date.
We get to the restaurant, and he runs into a colleague, to whom he invites to sit down, and talks to for the majority of the meal. He never even once acknowledges my presence. No introduction, nothing. So since no one is noticing me, you won't notice when I order everything on the menu then, right? Nope, doesn't even notice. Once I'm finished with my childish inner temper tantrum, and all of my meals, I leave. He texts me asking when we can get together again. Never. That's when. The day after never. Maybe the day after your cheap ass finishes paying off the debt that I racked up at the restaurant.
How About We Move This, To The Pantry
At some point I realize that I am backing away from him. I only realize this when I trip over something and land on my ass in the pantry. I snap out of trauma mode only to realize that the only person more terrified than me, is him. He looks white as a sheet. I feel awful, he feels awful, we continue to date, but I eventually break up with him because it just never feels not awkward anymore. Since he knew nothing about my past, I most likely just appeared crazy to him. I'm sure that has made for a couple of great party stories.
Because I'm Just Awkward, That's Why
Not me. Have you read the description of my blog under the title? "a constant stream of over sharing..."
Yea. Get ready.
A couple of weeks ago I was making out with a guy in my car and he told me my gum didn't have any flavor anymore. "My gum? How would you even know? Wait, I'm not even chewing gum. Wait, wasn't I chewing gum? Speaking of...where is my gum? Oh my gosh, my gum is in your mouth!? Wth!" That has to make me officially like the worst kisser ever. Like, ever. I would be so grossed out if I were him.
Another time, in an even later date moment, I rolled over my boyfriend, and fell out of the bed. That was hot. I bet that is a story he loves sharing. "Girl and I were getting it on, and she just fell right out of the bed!" To be fair, only like %98 of me fell out of the bed. If memory serves me right, one foot was still tangled in the sheets, so I was only like mostly on the floor. I was a tiny bit hanging still from the bed, so only mostly on the floor. Not completely. That must count for something, am I right?
Or there was Black Friday, where dude and I were doing a little more than shopping in the front seat of the car, and my ass beeped the horn. Yep, that happened. It drew the attention of the entire packed parking lot to our near naked bodies pressed against the window at 2:30 in the morning. Classy. I, thought it was pretty funny. He, on the other hand, was mortified. Like I was laughing, and he was pulling my tree date moment and running for cover. To be accurate though, he did push me against the horn. But whatever, I have no problem taking the blame.
Also, just for record, in case you ever need this info, those edible body paints that they sell at adult stores, really should be called "shower paints." I'm pretty sure that particular guy's bedding set will be forever ruined thanks to the artsy flare that I had one night. Oops. I'd love to hear the explanation he gives to the next person who sees his now tye-dyed bedding.
Also, since I'm handing out info, don't use whipped cream. Sounds fun, but actually, it really smells. Like its so gross, it kills the mood completely. I feel bad that I made that guy run to walgreens at midnight, as I ended up literally gagging at one point. Nothing says "sexy" like a girl dry heaving! Stick with chocolate syrup. Trust me. You're welcome.
I'm also fairly certain that I'll never live down being the girl who went down on her boyfriend in his office, only to find out later that his boss watched the entire thing on the security camera. Especially when I showed up the next day and his boss high-fived him. So naturally, just to mess with his boss, I showed up the following day as well, waited for his boss to walk by, winked at him, and then shut the office door. That time, I covered up the security camera. I wouldn't want to shatter the boss's illusion he had of me as I sat in my boyfriend's office, and we did nothing but eat lunch.
Yea, I've had my moments.....it takes talent to be as awkward as me, just sayin'! So, as much as I love to rag on the boys for being weird and strange and awkward, I bring a pretty even game to the table.
So there karma, I am still allowed to make fun of my horrible dates, because I am willing to also make fun of myself.
Maybe one day I will share with you the awkward bedroom moments that had nothing to do with me. Because now take it from me, THOSE are funny. But in the meantime world, pray for the boys that take me out. They just have no idea what they might be in for.
Photo Credit Steamy Window: http://www.flickr.com/photos/d-reichardt/
Photo Credit No Sex: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jaygooby/
Photo Credit Monkey: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fionab/
Photo Credit Angel: http://www.flickr.com/photos/furryscalyman/