So I met another boy.
Actually I met several of them, but none stuck like this one.
**(When I broke up with The Detective Whose Name I Do Not Like there was a delay in me posting about it, much like there has been a delay in telling you about this dude, so this dude has been around longer than it appears.)**
Before I got to this boy in particular though, there was a New Yorker who took me to dinner and kept telling the wait staff to "bring er whateva she wants! She wants a steak, giver da biggest one! (I did not want a steak) Ya like that sweetie? Get whateva ya want!" Awkward...
The New Yorker lasted only a few dates until we had a highly strained debate about hunting. Yep, hunting. He is an avid hunter, I am not. You want to eat Bambi's mom, fine, eat Bambi's mom. You want to kill a bunch of animals that you aren't even going to eat just so you can mount their heads in your living room, I don't even want to hear about it. I thought I was being pretty cool by telling him that we could have separate hobbies but I just don't want hunting to be one we share and he basically thought I was a moron.
He tried in ten different ways to convince me that animals don't have feelings and I tried in ten different ways to tell him that we can agree to disagree. He wouldn't drop the subject and after it finally got to the point one evening where I found myself gritting my teeth to keep from yelling at him that I know what it feels like to have my life at the mercy of another, that I know what real terror feels like, that I know what it feels like when the life is starting to drain from your body, and that sport hunting will never be one of my hobbies, I knew it was time to end things.
I did not yell at him that night but I did however block his number and never speak to him again.
Then there was the one time I went out with a sports newscaster who took me to dinner and a haunted house (it was October). Having dinner with a sports newscaster was exactly like you would expect it to be. Very formal, "very announcmentishy," and it included a great deal of conversation about sports that was way over my head. The restaurant was extremely nice but we were unfortunately sitting so close to the guy playing the grand piano that not only was I pretty much sharing the piano bench with the pianist, but it was ridiculously loud. The proved not to be a problem though because Mr. Sports Newscaster had a voice that commanded the attention of not only me, but the entire restaurant as well.
Let me also take the opportunity to warn you that going to a haunted house on a first date probably is not the best idea unless you like awkwardly clinging to a guy you don't even know.
And by clinging I mean screaming and climbing on top of him while in fear for my life.
Think baby koala....
The sports newscaster was nice but we had absolutely nothing in common. I thought that he felt the same way when he left me at the restaurant to "go get his wallet" but to my astonishment he did in fact come back, pay, and ask me out again. I politely declined, he really is a nice guy, but I'm sure he can find someone he clicks a little better with. (I paid for my own meal, I'm not that mean)
But then I met this dude. I saw him, thought he was cute, and I got his number.
So far that seems to be one of the better decisions I've made because I really am enjoying the company of this dude.
Since I suck at relationships and reading men in general, I'm just going to kind of lay it all out and then you guys can weigh in. Advice, thoughts, and concerns please!!
On our first date he took me to a fancy schmancy restaurant where we stayed and talked for so long I am pretty sure we were mere milliseconds from the waitress stabbing us both to death with a cocktail straw just so we would leave her table. The conversation was great, the laughter never ceased, and eventually we walked down the street to this awesome little bar that has couches you can snuggle up on. I liked him instantly, not only was there chemistry, but our personalities really clicked.
At the end of the night I knew I wanted to see him again but before I left he said "just one last question, how do you feel about public displays of affection?"
BIG FAN!! BIG FAN!!
"Oh you know, I'm cool with it" I said, while trying to play off how cool I was, and with that he slipped one arm behind my back, bent me backwards like some scene out of a movie, and gave me one of the hottest kisses I've ever had in my life.
At least I think he was bending me backwards, in retrospect I may have just been living out a movie moment fantasy and was quite possibly appearing drunk and sloppy. For the record I was not drunk, but I can't imagine what else that must have looked like if I was going all noodly and melty.
Oh well....I'm just going to pretend that second thought never occurred.
But after that night, I was hooked.
It's amazing how much we have in common when we really have nothing in common. He comes from a great close knit family, has never been married, doesnt have any kids, and is basically nothing like me. Yet in so many ways he is exactly like me.
His humor is dead on with mine and I don't think there has ever been a conversation where we haven't laughed.
He had the stomach flu:
( My phone bit the dust so the rest of these texts are from a new phone, that's why they look different. He is the yellow box)
Below he is teasing me because I had freaked out several days prior when I got a much needed haircut and they chopped several inches off (and he was the one that really needed the haircut), and now here I am nervous about something totally unrelated:
He doesn't even blink at the craziness that is me, he just joins right in.
Check out our bowling names. He is the red one.
While he was bowling I seized the opportunity to take a few selfies with his phone so that he would be surprised when he got home.
Also, totally irrelevant, but tell me he doesn't have clown sized feet.
At 33 years old, which makes him 2 years older than me, he stands almost an entire foot taller than me. He's in pretty good shape and can literally bench press me with one arm (Verified). We are both pretty much the same type of "gym person," whereas we both get a hardcore workout in several times a week, but you certainly won't find either of us living there. It's been really nice to be around someone who values healthy living and eating like I do.
I told him I needed a pic for this article!
I think the best part though has been that we just have a lot in common in the way our brains work. His job, while very different than mine, ties in a lot with not only what I do on this blog, but with the women I work with.
After working for several years with a masters degree in math he went back to school to get his doctorate in philosophy. He is currently in his last year of the doctorate program and teaches ethics at a college not far from me. I had no idea what the heck someone does with a philosophy degree but apparently his work is essentially psychology in a larger context. While a psychologist figures out why someone acts the way they do, a philosopher studies humanity as a whole and comes up with theories as to why we as a culture/gender/society make the choices or have the behaviors that we do. So his career will be based on heading up research studies that look at why populations do what they do. On top of that he will be teaching ethics courses to medical students and attorneys.
He's surprisingly interested in my viewpoints on society, women, and many of the subjects that I write about in this blog because his career is based on analyzing how groups of people think and how that affects the choices they make. Since he is currently writing his thesis, we both spend a good majority of our time writing and it's been nice to share that common thread with him.
Overall we just have a great time together and furthermore, he just met the kids and seemed to have a great time with them. The kids don't know we are dating, they think he's just one of my guy friends, but I really do like the way they interact. I don't normally even introduce anyone to my kids because the last thing I want to do is parade a bunch of men in front of my children but when he came to me with this, I made an exception; "Eden, what would you think of me spending a little time with your kids? I don't want to scare you and sound crazy but I am looking for something long term and since long term would involve your kids, I feel like it's important to see how we all function together."
I really like that he grasps the concept that they are real people. Now I know that sounds stupid but I can't tell you how many guys I've dated that while they understand that I have kids, they don't really get it.
Wearing shirts (over our clothes) that he got us when he went to a football game.
He doesn't know the specifics of where I write or of this blog, but he does know I write and I did tell him I was going to write about him (I wanted to get permission before I posted his text messages). Then this happened to the Girl Child...
And another night....
When I have a bad day he always cheers me up.
Here I was having a really bad day and telling him that I didn't want my bad mood to bring him down, so I would just talk to him tomorrow.
And when I'm nervous about a meeting, he is my biggest cheerleader.
In fact I had a particularly bad day when he just happened to be out of town visiting his family for two weeks.
Since he was gone for Christmas, he went out of his way to have a box delivered to my house so that I would know he cared.
And as much as we enjoy spending time together, we also enjoy spending time apart which is super important to me because I am not the kind of girl that can be with my man All. The. Time.
I really like that he is supportive of me wanting to spend time away from him. I know that sounds crazy, but in every monogamous relationship I've had the dude hasn't been supportive of me having a life outside of him.
Even though his party turned out to be a bit more of a dud than mine, he was still happy that I was having a good time:
So that's kind of where we are. I feel like for the first time ever, this guy sees me. Not just me, but me. His compliments aren't like the pats on the back that I've gotten from other guys, the "you're so funny, you're so cool," it's "I continue to be impressed at what a hard worker you are, I don't know anyone who could get as much done in a day as you do. I am in awe of your strength, I can't beleive that you are raising these kids completely on your own. You're kids are really blessed to have a mom who works so hard to feed them right." Everything he says is a reflection of something it appears that he has thought about, not just something he is throwing out there. Maybe I'm naive and he's just playing me, but I feel like he really does think highly of me....which I'm not used to.
In fact after the whole get to know you phase I finally said to him one day. "So, you know I don't have a family, you know my ex is gone, you about know the nonprofit I run, why don't you just ask me whatever it is you are wondering because I don't like having this elephant in the room."
His response? "I can't really think of anything I want to ask you. From what I've gathered you've had a rough past but your past isn't what I'm interested in, but more so the person it created. And from what I can see, you are an amazing person who is all the more amazing because of your unique set of circumstances. I'm always here if you want to talk and I'm sure I'll have questions eventually, but for right now all I need to know is that you are going to be around for me to continue learning just how amazing you are."
Is this guy for real??
I did end up telling him about some of my past. Not the nitty gritty, not about the rape, but about my parents and my ex, and you know what? It was easy. It was REALLY easy, just like everything else has been. When I told him about my family, I told him that I wasn't ready to go into details about why, but that I didn't talk to them anymore. He said "well I know you enough to know that you are a smart girl and if that's what you felt was best then I'm sure you had a very good reason."
So that's pretty much where we are, which makes me feel like I should end this post with "and he is wonderful, amazing, and I'm the luckiest girl ever who is on her way to a happy monogamous life with this wonderful man!"
But wait, HALT, hold up.
This is me we are talking about here. Little, scared, me. Now first off I've had my heart broken and been lied to enough that even though this guy seems wonderful and amazing, I simply have not been won over yet. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop because really, my luck is not this good.
Secondly, I have kids. Yep, I do, and keeping with our seemingly honest and definitely open relationship, he has admitted to me that while he has a great time with my kids, it is overwhelming for him to think that he could one day become an insta-father, and I totally get that.
Lastly, and I know this isn't what most of you want to hear, but I'm still not convinced that monogamy is for me.
I just don't know if I want to be someones relationship everything. I honestly don't know if I have enough of myself left to give to anyone in a substantial, monogamous kind of way. I enjoy every second I spend with this guy and I miss him when he is gone, but thinking about doing this long term scares the shit out of me. I just don't know if I'm cut out to be one half of a relationship. I kind of liked being 1/3rd or whatever the current number was in all my polyamory glory. I think people tend to look at polyamory and think "she just wants more than one dude" but for me it really was/is "I am not in a position to give my all to you, so I would prefer it if you would get some of your needs filled by someone else and take a little bit of the pressure off of me. Oh yea and I don't want to fully depend on just you either."
My whole life has been about everyone but me and as selfish as this sounds I'm really enjoying being selfish with my life. I'm living a life that is about me and my kids and I'm happy that the choices and decisions I make do not need to be compromised with what anyone else wants.
Because of that, even though we have been seeing each other for what is now "months," I have not yet taken the label as his "girlfriend," even though his mother has invited the kids and I to go visit them out of town and he himself repeatedly tells me that he isn't dating anyone but me and won't date anyone else while he is seeing me.
Talk about pressure.
This whole foray into monogamy was to find out if I was choosing polyamory because I was scared of monogamy, and now I'm even more confused than ever. This dude seems perfect, which is of course making me want to run away and rethink this whole monogamy thing.
I just don't want to lose myself again.
Also, would you believe that The Detective Whose Name I Do Not Like has called me multiple times in the last couple weeks because he really doesn't want to be broken up? (I've told him that I am seeing someone and have told my current boy because I want to keep this as open and transparent as possible).
Too much pressure.
So on that note, please send advice.
Also, send name suggestions for this dude's blog name!! Leave your idea's in the comments section and if you like what someone else has suggested, second it! I will take the name with the most votes and crown him with his blog name.