Sunday, January 18, 2015

Now That I've Had Time To Think...


I think I finally feel better today. It still hurts, but at least it's no longer that constant ache in my chest that causes me to tear up the moment my brain is not fully occupied by other more immediate thoughts.

It's funny that while they say the way to a man's heart is through food, food is how us women get you men out of ours. My friends have been loving on me in a very delicious way, so much so that I couldn't button my jeans this morning, which you know, made me feel so much better. 

Not. 

Apparently there is a limit to that logic.


Lemon tart anyone?

I have been thinking though, as much as I sometimes struggle to make sure my kids have enough food, maybe I should just start breaking up with people more often.

Just kidding.

Kind of...

This whole situation was rough and after I read some of the comments from the last post, it got even rougher because I started to doubt myself. Overall everyone was nice, offering respectful advice even if you thought I did the wrong thing, and I can definitely say that it gave me some perspectives that I had not thought of before. I didn't respond to each comment personally like I usually do because honestly, I'm just really emotionally drained right now. However, and I say this with all my heart, thank you for taking the time to let me know what you thought about the whole situation. It does me a lot of good to be able to view the bigger picture with the help of outside eyes and I truly appreciated all the time you guys put into offering me your advice. My lack of response was not because I wasn't reading the comments, it was because I was processing them.



I've had a few days to think about everything and while I know for a fact that many of you think I made the wrong choice, I am actually feeling more reaffirmed in my decision. I'm still hurt, still sad, still missing him more than I would like to admit, cried myself to sleep a few nights in a row, but yet I'm not willing to change my mind and call him.

You see the thing is, as I've said before, never give away what you can't live without. 

As I've come to realize through my own tears and talks with friends, it wasn't his issue with my kids that caused me to end things, but how it was handled. I expect men to go through a period of freaking out that they may one day become a father to two ready-made children. Not only do I expect it, I would be hesitant to date anyone that didn't freak out because I would be unsure if he really grasped the reality of the situation. So while I can easily accept his fears, the issue I had was with how his fears were being handled.

We had great communication, him and I. I knew from the beginning that he was struggling with the fact that I had kids. It was actually on our second date that he told me kids felt overwhelming to him and he wasn't sure it was a lifestyle he even wanted. He also knew from our 3rd date that being in a monogamous relationship was something that scared me. That opening up, trusting someone, and allowing them into my life scared me.

I told him that I was terrified of being "all in," that it scared me to the point of feeling sick, and he told me that while he understood how I was feeling, that he was not in the position to be dating someone who was dating anyone else.

He left the choice in my hands; him and just him, or not him at all.

I thought about it, quite a bit actually, and in the end I decided to go for it and I said ok. I said ok and that I was "in," and you know what? I'm proud of myself for that. I'm proud of myself for stepping outside of my comfort zone, for putting my heart out on the line, and for giving it a try.

But then came Tuesday night. Tuesday night when I asked him about my kids and he told me in no uncertain terms that he while he was sure about me, he had still major reservations about my kids.

Unlike the topic of kids, my fear of monogamy was talked about quite a bit in our relationship. He knew that I was terrified of committing myself to something that was just going to hurt me and while I don't expect to marry the first guy I commit to, that I was really scared of getting hurt.

He knew that.

So there we were on Tuesday night and he is telling me how scared he is of my kids. How after several months he still wasn't sure he could handle my life.

That hurt.

That was exactly what I was afraid of, that my life would be too much for someone. That is the exact reason that I find it so hard to be completely open with men. I know my life isn't easy, it's a battle I fight everyday, and to hear someone that I care very much about say that my difficult life might not be worth the effort, that hurts more than I can describe. It hurt in ways that I have been trying to protect myself from for a very long time.


He asked me to see this through with him and to give him time to figure out what he wanted. While the thought of being strung along is terrifying, I agreed to be patient but I didn't deny that his feelings were hurting me. I told him that what I needed was to back up a little bit in order to protect myself and my kids while he figured out what he wanted.

He was not ok with that. He not only wanted me to continue to invest myself into him, but to commit even more to him while he just continued to decide if he was able or willing to invest the same back.

I can't afford to give away what I can't live without.

I can't give away pieces of myself that I've worked very hard to put back together.

I can't promise to give my heart to someone who isn't sure if they want it.

I did what he wanted from the beginning, I committed myself to him and several months later while I'm all in, he only has one foot in. I had needed time too, but he wasn't willing to give it to me when I needed it, and here he was now, expecting me to give him what he wasn't willing to offer back. He wasn't the only one scared, he wasn't the only one pursuing something new, and while I was willing to give him what he needed from the beginning, he was proving that he was unable to do the same for me.

When it comes to relationships, it's easy to "love on" someone when it's easy. It's easy to shower them with praises and have a great time together, but when things get rough and you have to set aside what you want in order for the other person to come first, that's when you really find out what you are both capable of.

When I was scared and unsure in the beginning, I was asked to step out of my comfort zone to give him what he needed, but when I needed him to step out of his comfort zone in order to give me what I needed, it was not reciprocated.

That is not the kind of relationship I want to be in.

I could have continued with it, stuck with him, ignored the fact that he was ignoring what I needed, or ignoring the fact that I wasn't comfortable with how things were going, but no. No I'm not doing that anymore. I was clear from the beginning that I wasn't sure I could even give him what he wanted and yet I gave it to him anyways. Now he needs more and I don't have anymore to give.

Only give away what you can afford to live without.

This, this whole trusting someone for months on end with a very fragile area of my life, I don't have that to give away right now. I can't be with someone where I am expected to commit to him and all he can offer me is a trial run.

There is nothing wrong with him and neither of us are to blame. We just simply came to the realization that we are not able to give the other what they need right now and that is ok.

That is ok.

That is why people date before they marry, to find out if they are compatible. There doesn't have to be something wrong with someone in order to say it wasn't meant to be.

An argument could be made on both sides, "why couldn't he give her some space? Why couldn't she give him some time?" Because neither of us were in a position to offer that right now and that is ok.

Nothing is wasted. 


I didn't lose something that was meant to be, I learned from something that was probably never meant to be.

This experience, this relationship, it was not wasted. I'm hurt, yes, but through the hurt comes growth. I'm proud of myself, I'm proud for knowing that I didn't fold for the first guy that whispered sweet nothings in my ear. I'm proud for proving that I have in fact, found myself. I'm proud of myself for knowing that when push came to shove, I stood up for what I needed.

I'm proud knowing that I didn't lose myself to another person.

It's only after you find yourself that you can you truly find another, because how can you find what you are looking for if you don't even know what you need?

Maybe I am ready for monogamy after all.




Photo Credits
Thank you 
Love Hurts

63 comments:

  1. THIS is what makes everything you've gone through important! Being able to process through, re-define, re-assess, and re-affirm your thoughts, feelings, and positions on things. I LOVE this!!! YAY EDEN!!!! This is what a healthy person does.....And if you can do this now, you can do it later, and again, and again, until your life is exactly what you need it to be. I am tired and it's late and I'm rambling so I'll stop, but YAY!!!!!

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    1. Yay!!! Haha! Thank you (takes humble bow)

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  2. You have thought this through ten ways to Sunday and it makes perfect sense to me. Isn't it wonderful to learn new things about yourself (your resolve, resilience, recovery and reaffirmation that you have badass friends who have your back)? Baby steps or giant leaps - sweetie you've got this!

    I am glad you are feeling better, Eden. Continue taking good care of yourself and those two precious babies. I hope this week is much happier for you!

    Much love and many hugs from the East Coast

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    1. It is amazing what we can learn isn't it?

      Thank you so much, I love knowing you are here to cheer me up :)

      Hugs to the East Coast!

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  3. I don't usually comment on blog posts but yours stuck a chord with me. I truly believe you made the right decision in letting this man go. You put your children first and this is truly admirable. What if your children truly came to love and trust this man and then he decided, "Nope, can't do it" and left? Their hearts and trust would be broken as well as yours. You gave commitment when he asked despite your doubts yet when you asked the same of him he could not do it. (at least he was honest) After being in a bad relationship, you now know what you will and will not accept and be proud of yourself that you made the decision that was right for you and your children despite the pain. Somewhere out there is a man who will love both you and your children unconditionally. He will be the right one and you will know it. Always trust your instincts! You are a good mom and a good person and deserve the best.

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    1. Aw thanks! I'll be honest and say that I learned that lesson the hard way. The relationship I had right after my ex, my daughter fell in love with that man, as did I, and when he left after saying it wasn't his job to take care of two kids left behind, she was devestated and I felt like the single worst mother on the face of the earth. I will never rush into something with my kids again :(

      Thank you for your sweet words, they are encouragment I need to hear :)

      *hugs*

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  4. I knew you'd come to some point like this. You are so smart, honest with yourself, wise and have your priorities in order and have learned so much from everything you've been through so far. It does not surprise me how you are unwrapping and examining this situation to find what you can extract from it to make yourself better and move forward in an even more authentic and strong fashion. I completely agree with your assessment of the situation, especially about the fact that it doesn't have to mean either person is wrong when a relationship ends. You hit the nail on the head that it's all about each person's needs, the ability and willingness to communicate them honestly, appropriately and respectfully, and the other's ability and willingness to meet them. This guy was *almost* there, but you deserve way more than *almost*. And you do sound ready for monogamy. You sound like you understand the risk, investment and potential reward and have a good awareness of your own abilities and boundaries around all of those. Because of your mindfulness, you will be just fine. :) I'm sorry for your heartache. My heart and stomach hurt for you even though I don't know you. I'm glad you have supportive friends to help you and there will come a time when you don't hurt when you think about this anymore.

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    1. I wholeheartedly agree with this comment!! Eden I love how you "unwrap and examine the situation to find out what you can extract from it to make yourself a better person." You are doing what so many of us struggle to do and applying a positive outlook on a painful situation. Thanks for giving me the nudge I need to reexamine my own life.

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    2. Thank you! It's SO wierd for me to hear you say that because I often feel like I'm just wading through my life and hoping to land somewhere that works for me lol. I'm trying very hard to be mindful of the choices I make, but I'm never really sure if it's working. Thank you for helping me feel like maybe I'm not doing so bad afterall :)

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  5. Posts like these are why I read this blog. I love that you so readily admit your struggles, with no apology for them. Even though you got really hurt by this guy, you still give him the benefit of the doubt and accept him for all of his struggles as well.

    Thank you for creating a place where even "flawed" people can feel beautiful in their struggles.

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    1. Haha, well I'm "broken" to the core, so much so that I just don't have the time or energy to hide it anymore and only when I stopped wasting my time hiding my flaws was I able to spend a little more time finding the things I did like. The same goes for the way I try and look at other people.

      YOU are beautiful, cracks, flaws, and all. Perfection means treasured, doesn't have to mean "perfect."

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  6. Everyone above said pretty much the same thing. We are all proud of you Eden and I agree with your 'friends' above. Heal and move on to the person that deserves YOU! ♥

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  7. Oh my goodness, I want to love on you SO MUCH right now. What a brave, powerful, thoughtful thing to say. I want to say "mature" as well, but I'm not sure if that would come across right or just sound offensive (my friend just got dumped by a 30-something guy who was convinced that the ending of the infatuation stage of their relationship meant that he must have fallen out of love with her because he's never had a LTR before so I've been saying things like immature/inexperienced/naive/clueless a lot). And I can't offer baked goods but I'm very good at platonic snuggles so I'm trying to send you all the virtual ones I can. Good on you for demanding equality.
    I'm still half convinced he's going to show up at your door in a few weeks, begging you to take him back and confessing that he realized he's madly in love with your kids and misses them dearly and didn't realize it until you took them away. But oh well.
    You rock!

    (I am feeling extra strongly about egalitarian relationships right now because my weekend was a horrible combination of trying to go off the super powerful anti-nausea medicine that helps with the morning sickness but completely knocks me on my butt and a feverish, puking, diarrheal toddler who was refusing food and water and only wanting to nurse. So I was in charge of the input side and nursing her to sleep as much as possible so she could get some rest and he took care of the output which involved lots of laundry and I don't know how many trips to the bathroom where he perched his huge frame on the rim of the bathtub and tried to entertain her during very stinky and uncomfortable potty times. I don't think he ever envisioned that fatherhood would include examining diarrhea so he could figure out how long the small amounts of food we got her to eat were staying in her system and adjusting his anxiety levels accordingly.)
    ~JH

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    1. Awesome lol!

      I'm sorry to hear that you aren't feeling well (and with a sick kid!!) Have you tried the B6 unisom combo? That worked wonders for me, better than the zofran or reglan they prescribed me.

      Hope you all feel better soon :)

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    2. I loooove B6 but haven't been able to find it in the yummy preggie pops somebody gave me last time and the chews I found didn't work because the gummy sugared feel in my teeth just made me more nauseous. I was actually doing pretty well this pregnancy on just the unisom but I apparently chose a very bad time to try going off of it. But it did mean that my husband got her nasty stomach virus and not me. I'm feeling guilty about that but he keeps saying calm, rational things like "pregnant ladies shouldn't get the stomach flu" and "if you're feeling that bad, does that mean you'll bring me gatorade and crackers and let me stay in bed all day?" (He was joking but the answer was still yes)

      P.S. I usually don't believe in excessive bragging about my SO but I saw your troll and just had to laugh. I got SOOO many "you're too picky, you'll have to settle!" comments way back when and every single one of them is alone and nearly all of them are past their "get married by" goal age. You know what you want and keeping your standards high means happiness when you've found the right one!
      P.P.S. There are an astonishing amount of guys out there who want kids but are terrified of infants. They'd never admit it but the idea of a ready-made family is really the complete package for them (provided they're all potty trained) despite the extra hurdles and transition periods and all that stuff.
      ~ JH

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    3. Oh man, don't get sick, the stomach flu while pregnant was THE WORST. The morning sickness is bad enough but violently throwing up when your stomach muscles are over the baby, I couldn't tell if I was going to rip an ab muscle or smoosh my kid.

      I hope you all get better soon!

      I'm glad you didn't settle :) Sounds like you got a good one!

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  8. you are stunningly beautiful, you'll find somebody that will be happy to take your two kids in.

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    1. Please, her looks aren't the issue, in fact they can get in the way sometimes because they get interest from superficial people. She doesn't want somebody who just wants a babe, she wants somebody who wants her, the person inside. What's important is who she is! Somebody will want her just the way she is and will be willing to help with her children too, because they are ok with a package deal. But if not, if she doesn't happen to find them now, then later down the road when she is an empty nester she will have many opportunities to share life with someone (if that is what she wants.)

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    2. Ha, thanks.

      Yes, I agree looks can hurt sometimes. I just met a guy the other day who said "how is someone as gorgeous as you still single" and I gave him a list of reasons a mile long and he replies with "well none of those matter because they all come wrapped up in a sexy package." Um....no. Never gonna happen dude. And that's not a scenario limited to me, things like that happen to people all the time!

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  9. Eden, I really think you ought to rephrase this exact post (change the words in the descriptions from "him" to "you") and give it to him directly as a letter. (!)

    It won't save what you had, of course, and it will probably be clear (just from the explanation within it of the reason you decided to let it go) that it is NOT a chance for a 2nd try, or an opportunity to rewrite history, but, it WOULD explain to him exactly what happened between you.

    As he probably still doesn't "get" some of it, especially not the whole comfort zone and trust thing, and he really should be made aware. (Since obviously he's not privy to either this blog or your inner dialogues, and most particularly since you yourself even had to spend some time sorting through your feelings to really identify what the issue truly was, in the end, so as to articulate it in full here, so you certainly didn't or couldn't yet express it all to him at the time, right?)

    It would give him the full picture, or at the very least some additional and important insight as to your decision about him and why you chose to part, and give him a chance to think it all through better, and accept his own part in the break-up, and be able to see more clearly just how his actions and feelings came across to the other person involved.

    It was a learning experience for you, and for him too. He needs to see how his actions affected the other party (and what they heard him say, the message as received, as well as what he thinks he said.)

    He still has a lot to learn, but he wasn't a total jerk, he meant well overall and he treated you with courtesy and respect and honesty. He was sincere, and tried to communicate his true feelings (despite the fact that his reservations and panic weren't what you wanted to hear. But, they were actually what he felt, and so he told you, he said what he meant, and it is good he did, and that it happened now and not later down the road, etc.)

    It would just be a good thing for him to know how it was received and regarded from the other end, what came across and what the significance of it was to you, and to understand the full implications of his behavior and why you had to let go of him.

    I can't see him calling you names or getting all spun up about it, can you? He doesn't sound like he would, anyway. He sounds like he might even appreciate being given the info and getting the whole picture from your perspective. I can see him reading or listening and thinking it over and realizing how his reaction came across and what it looked like ("you dolt, you told me to be brave and jump off the high dive into the water and so I did, and then you wussied out and clung to the ladder and wouldn't even get wet. You didn't honor your end of the deal! No fair!") and feeling your pain, and probably understanding that he really wasn't ready and you really did the right thing.

    But whatever he gets out of it after being made aware, it would be still good if he at least got the info anyway, was told at least some of what you've just shared here now (after you sorted it all out for yourself,) in whatever way you decide to deliver it.

    Just for enlightenment's sake. He sounds like he would probably be respectful of the message and appreciate your position (and not be a cow patty about it.)

    But until you were able to really put it into perspective yourself and articulate it (as you now have) you probably didn't explain it to him when you handed him his hat. (And it is true that you don't HAVE to, you really don't OWE him one, it's just that he wasn't the donkey's rear that many guys have been, so it would be a kind thing to show him the error of his ways, it might even improve his life in future.)

    Up to you!

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    1. It's been a solid week now and I haven't heard from him. I don't really want to open up a can of worms by reaching out again, but at the same time you have a lot of valid points. I think I'm going to let it simmer while my heart heals and then when I can handle the possibility of talking to him again (lol), maybe I'll reach out then. :) It's still so fresh and ouchy!! You are right though, he would be receptive because that's just the kind of guy he is. Maybe in a month or two :)

      Thanks!

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  10. I don't really have anything to add here. I haven't really been in a lot of committed relationships and I'm not really looking for one in the near future at least. I just stopped by to wish you well.

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    1. Well I sincerely appreciate your well wishes :)

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  11. off topic I know, but I was wondering what kind of wine that is in the picture. It looks like cupcake something, maybe merlot or moscato?

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  12. This is even more off topic: I have been reading some old posts of yours Eden, and I was wondering how did you develop your voice and dancing talents? I would love to hear more about your journey with those. Ballet dancers rock!

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    1. Funny you should ask this, I have a post coming up that opens the floor to reader questions! I'll make this the first one on the list! :)

      *hugs*

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  13. Male perspective here. Don't want to use the term "damaged goods" because it's an unfair reduction of a human being to a broken thing....but raising another man's kids is daunting and definitely a deal-breaker (for want of a better expression) in a relationship for a lot of guys, as shown with philosophy man. He worded it sensitively, but the manspeak translation for what he said to you is

    "Fuck that shit I ain't raisin' no other fella's spawn"


    You have a huge list of needs (as demonstrated in your 'boyfriend application' post), but have you thought about the fact that men have their own list of needs?

    Most guys don't have a list as extensive as yours but usually "no kids" is on the vast majority of such lists. Realising the fact that having kids will put most guys off you, do you think your huge list of requirements is realistic? Have you thought about evaluating those needs and not being as picky? (eg what if a guy loves your personal quirks, clicks really well with you, accepts your kids fully.... but he's 5'10? Or 29 years old? Would you dismiss him? If so, do you not see how hypocritical that is)?

    Nothing wrong with having more realistic expectations, especially if it means you being happy in the end.

    Otherwise it sounds like you're saying "I have all these issues that you have to adjust to and be ok with. But I won't accomodate anything for you. dealwithit.jpg"

    Basically pressing your own 'self-destruct' button.

    Das it mane.

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    1. cliffs:
      -most guys won't be cool with you having kids
      -consider re-evaluating your standards otherwise you better get used to owning several cats.

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    2. WE HAVE A WINNER!!! And the dumbest comment of the day goes to you kind sir!!

      Are you that socially inept that you were completely unable to grasp the fact that her boyfriend application was a joke?

      So basically what you are saying is that Eden needs to settle for some sub-par man because the better one's just won't be cool with her having kids?

      "Hey, no man really likes kids, but I'm kind of a loser so I should probably widen my dating pool to include women with previous spawns."

      I don't really have much to add to this except that you are an idiot.

      One final question, are you by chance inbred?

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    3. Dan Mas,

      I do think you missed that the boyfriend application was a joke. Reading your comment I don't think you were being intentionally rude, but you do seem to have missed that Eden very clearly understands what the men she dates needs. She "gave in" to his needs in the beginning when he wanted a commitment because she was being sensitive to the fact that it's what he needed. The text screenshots she posted in the first post about him show nothing but attending to his needs, such as when he was on a trip somewhere and you could tell that Eden was missing him, she continued to encourage him to have a good time despite the fact that she missed him. Or when she was having a rough day and told him that she didn't want her bad mood to bring him down and so he she would just talk to him later so that he would have a good day. She repeatedly made it about him and not about her. Most girls I know would ask their boyfriends to drop what they were doing and attend to them and Eden went out of her way to make sure HE was ok.

      While I think your intentions were good you appear to have missed that she put what he needed first many times but there has to be a realistic limit to it. She can't go around throwing herself at anyone that will have her and to be blunt, she doesn't need too. Kids or no kids Eden would be a catch for anyone and she deserves to not have to lower her standards to find that person.

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    4. Das it mane, I think you were being a little harsh but think your opinion is completely valid.

      Other commenters who jump in it seems counterproductive to fight fire with fire. You feel this man was rude but you respond with insults asking if he is inbred. Not cool, guys. You are acting the same as those whose behavior you don't like. I wanted to say this for a while because I noticed this issue frequently comes up when there are negative comments.

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    5. It sounds mean but that's the truth though. Most guys would rather have a woman with no kids than a woman with kids. It's a big deal, not a minor incovenience. The ones that end up with a woman who has kids do so because they couldn't find a better woman, so they inevitably settle.

      When the man settles, the woman has to settle too. You can't "have it all", no matter what Gloria Steinem says. Mr Perfect wants Miss Perfect, not Miss Got-knocked-up-by-a-deadbeat

      Not trying to be mean, just saying it how it is. Better to be an honest asshole than a nice liar.

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    6. You sound like an asshole with too much time on his hands whose name links to a random bodybuilding site , not even your profile. You responded to the comment immediately, are you email subscribed because you love a good fight? TROLL ALERT!!

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    7. Being honest = trolling. Lol just lol. Ok then.

      If you actually understood what I'm saying you'd know it isn't trolling.

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    8. I won't comment on anything else in this comment thread except to point out the flawed "factual" and heavily opinionated statements on what she can get in her future boyfriend. So far I remember reading about a doctor, a detective, a special agent, this guy, and a host of others. If I remember correctly, and I'm quite sure I do, she broke up with all of them. Since I'm also quite confident she is dating on the same planet you reside on, I don't think she needs to "settle."

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    9. If anything, the fact that all those relationships failed shows something's up. If the same thing keeps happening with different guys, then it's HER, not THEM.

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    10. ***HI, HELLO,*** ok well this is a lovely conversation. Quite frankley I'm not even going to bother responding to all his lovely statements. So, my fellow blog readers, let's just let him feel heard and warn all of us over-reaching single mom's of our impending lives of torterous alone-ness while we wait for our princes who will never come.

      Are we all warned?

      Cool.

      I gotta get to bed now, my "spawns" are sleeping.

      Do me a favor and let's just leave him to rant and rave on his own, no use in riling the poor guy up anymore than he already is!

      Ok, sleep well everyone!

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    11. Not riled up at all, just saying it how it is without any sugar-coating

      Delete
  14. All I'm saying is 35 year-old CEO 6'1 Mr. Swole Kent, the bright ray of sunshine, isn't gonna be lining up to take on Eden + her kids when he can get educated, wealthy, young, hotter women who don't have such a high dick-count.

    5'5, 40-year-old fat Lenny the janitor with a big belly but a bigger heart and an even bigger personality might be better suited for Eden. Just saying, don't tase me bro.

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    1. So having kids now gives someone a high dick count? Because I'd be willing to bet the higher dick counts come with the single and childless.

      If Mr 35 6'1 ceo is still single, it might be because he is an asshole.

      You sound exactly like the guy from her one percenter date. Get your feelings hurt that night buddy?

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    2. Way to miss the point. And no, the high dick count is from all the guys she dates as mentioned in previous blog posts.

      Also lol @ hypothetical Mr CEO being an asshole because he's single at 35. What about 40 year-old fat lenny? He an asshole too?

      10/10 logic, would read again.

      Again, not trying to be mean but a high-dick count + kids is offputting for dudes. Any guy who denies it is lying.

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    3. You need to be realistic, the "you go girl" bullshit won't make you face the truth, it's just denial.

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    4. I would be willing to bet that you did some google search on what women want (because none seem to want you), came across Eden's boyfriend application (because if you had read her whole blog the girl is practically celibate), got pissed off because you don't meet 1/10th of her requirements, and decided to try and knock her down a few pegs.

      Newsflash! Even a single mom with kids seems to have a hell of a great dating life!

      Now why don't you go back to hanging around the workout sites and sneaking peeks at the men you wish you could be.

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    5. Lol @ "Disgusted"...see that is trolling ^^^

      Flaming without addressing the actual points.

      Never said a single mom can't have a good dating life (please, quote where I said that lol). Just that 'Eden' shouldn't dismiss fat Lenny so quickly because she's got unrealistic expectations of Mr. Perfect falling right into her arms.

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    6. ***HI, HELLO, ok well this is a lovely conversation. Quite frankley I'm not even going to bother responding to all his lovely statements. So, my fellow blog readers, let's just let him feel heard and warn all of us over-reaching single mom's of our impending lives of torterous alone-ness while we wait for our princes who will never come.

      Are we all warned?

      Cool.

      I gotta get to bed now, my "spawns" are sleeping.

      Do me a favor and let's just leave him to rant and rave on his own, no use in riling the poor guy up anymore than he already is!

      Ok, sleep well everyone!

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    7. I'm coming up with objective points and all you got is "you're an asshole" "you must be angry".

      Responding to logic with emotion. Yeah that will make anyone take your comments seriously

      inb4 "you're just a dick" "you must be sexually frustrated" and other irrelevant shit

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  15. Hi Eden,

    Here is my two cents: Being afraid of taking on someone else's children is normal; especially when those kids don't have 2 parents participating in their lives. It sounds like he was being honest with you and you were unwilling to accept that what he is feeling is totally normal.

    It's your life and you are certainly entitled to make your own decisions, but there is no man on this planet who is a good person who would look at your kids, life, circumstances, and not be a little freaked out. You may find someone who will lie to you and tell you that they have no qualms, but it won't be the truth, I can promise you that.

    If you really don't care to ever find a loving, committed partner, keep doing what you're doing.

    The day you find a man who says, "Oh, you were raped and abused by an ex husband who has now abandoned you and is addicted to drugs, you have 2 small kids, and you are so poor that you have to take donations for food - sounds GREAT! SIGN ME UP!" Then run for the damn hills. No moral, ethical man who has a job is going to feel that way.

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    1. I'm really baffled by a lot of these replies. How are you not understanding that her issue was not with his fears about her kids but with him requiring her to invest more than she was able to give him? She said in her article that if he hadn't been nervous she would worry that he was not grasping how much work kids are, that she was willing to be patient with him, but that it couldn't be all in his terms.

      Where you people came up with the theory that bc she has two kids she is now someone a man will settle for is beyond me. Yea, kids are hard. So are traveling jobs, different personalities, overbearing mothers, and more. We all make sacrifices. She doesn't need to throw herself at the first man that will have her

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    2. This is basically what I was trying to say.

      And for those wondering how I found this blog, a fella who goes to the same gym 'Eden' does linked her blog in our forum as he recognised her face. Thank the dude for free publicity lol

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    3. Ha, nice one. Please, lets not pretend we both don't know how you got here (and it certainly wasn't from your site). Don't forget the traffic reader is on my end. ;)

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    4. Eden, I applaud the way you handle negative comments. I think most people would get really heated up with some of the things that are said about you and I admire how you take it in stride. It shows a great level of maturity and restraint that even when you do reply back, it's done without a lot of the nastiness that is thrown at you.

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    5. I agree with that. Eden, you do show restraint. Heck, I read some of them and I want to reply to tell them off.

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    6. I'll toast to that! I have a hard time biting my tongue with some of these people and they aren't even talking about me and here's Eden, throwing in a little sarcasm and having a laugh.

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    7. Aw thanks :) That's very kind of you to say :) What else can I really do lol? Once you've had my parents and my ex, not much bothers you anymore! Plus I just don't have that much time or energy to get all worked up :)

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    8. lol @ "negative comments", I'm telling the truth, and honesty is way more positive than some pity party.

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    9. No you are stating your opinion as fact. Opinions don't equal truth, they are just that, opinions.

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    10. Das It Mane...not only are you stating your opinion as fact...you're being a douche about it. You are not perfect and you certainly do not know it all. While I have not been in exactly Eden's position, I was a single mom for a long time. I didn't settle and she doesn't need to either.

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    11. I don't know dude, I think I will still be with my wife even if she has children from another man before meeting me. But who is to say, it's just a hypothesis I guess!

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    12. In Hong Kong this would be a problem if a woman already has children from before. The man's family would not approve normally so it can be difficult. But! This is America so it is not as bad maybe.

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  16. I think you've swayed me. If he wasn't ready to commit after you did, you did the right thing. As a man I'll tell you, yea it sounds great on one hand to have a non monogamous thing, a little freedom, but I want to have that ONE person I come home to. And if that's not what you want, that is ok, because it's your decision and your life. You have to go with what works for you.

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    1. Haha, well I'm glad I swayed you, or that at least you don't vehemently disagree with me. :)

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