Thursday, March 5, 2015

He Needs To Move Out, Now!

A new roommate has moved into my house.

It hasn't been going well.

First off, he wears my shoes.

On his entire body.

I do not like that.

First though, let me rewind.

The other day The Girl Child had a birthday party to attend at a farm-zoo. Yep, that's what people do around these parts, they have farm-zoo birthday parties in February when the temperature is 3 degrees.

Actually just kidding, I've never heard of anything like that until the invitation arrived in the mail.

In February.

Nevertheless it sounded like fun and we love the family who was throwing the party, so off we went!

Almost.

I went into the garage, did that thing where you use your feet to flip over and line up your shoes, stuck my foot in the first one that aligned, and felt two teeny tiny little hands (feet?) push my foot back out.

PUSH MY FOOT BACK OUT.

Naturally, I screamed.

Then out popped a teeny little head, a head attached to a tiny little body that went leaping from my shoe, onto the floor, and into the house.

INTO THE HOUSE.

Oh hell no.

Now you all know me, I'm afraid of most... alive things... but do you know what is worse than catching a mouse in your house?

Not catching the mouse in your house.

That thing had barely hit the floor before I was running after it. I had no plans other than "grab it and fling it outside." 

Great plan right?

Except that I didn't catch it. 

I did however realize at some point that I was not in fact chasing a mouse, I was chasing a gerbil.

Where the hell did that come from?

Either way I did not catch the mouse-gerbil-rodent and it eventually disappeared.

I am not ok with this.

I am very much not ok with this.

At all.

At this point we were now going to be 30 minutes late to the party and I had no idea where the rodent have ventured off to, so I yelled for The Boy Child to bring me peanut butter and a knife and went about setting the traps that I use to Fort Knox the perimeter of my house when they plow the field surrounding us (therefore destroying a million critter habitats and force 8 million mice into homelessness, mice who are in no way, shape, or form, welcome in my home).

Unfortunately trying to set those cheap ass traps below freezing temperatures just caused most of them to break and I had to resort to guilt-riddenly set out the glue traps that I put in the corners of the garage to trap the spiders.


But I digress.

So I set the traps and off to the party we went.

The kids had a lot of fun. They made masks and had an "animal encounter."

By animal encounter I mean that The Girl Child touched a snake...


...while The Boy Child freaked out.


By "made masks" I mean that The Girl Child made a mask,



and The Boy Child "don't want help!"




They then partook in eating cake. By "eating cake" I mean that the children were presented with a very 2015 variety of birthday party options that included a Fenigold Organic birthday cake from the Organic bakery, a separate gluten and dairy free cake, gluten free cupcakes, and organic juice.


Basically that totally rocked for my kids.


After that we walked around the farm-zoo...



... and then ran to the car to thaw out our fingers. We all had a great time but now it was back to business.

There was a rodent extraction that needed to happen. 

I have to say, after the minefield of traps that I had set, I was fairly convinced that I would walk in and find him... resting. Of course there was that tiny part of me that thought "no way, nothing ever goes that easily for me," but the overwhelming majority of me was thinking "take that bitch!"

We arrived home and the kids and I got out of the car. I did the responsible thing and lead the way, therefore protecting my innocent children from what I had become convinced was Cujo the rodent.

I opened the door and .... no rodent. No rodent on the traps, no rodent in sight, no rodent.

Where the fuck is the rodent?

Upon closer inspection I realize that one of the traps had been set off and then licked clean.



Not cool gerbil, not cool.

While I am inspecting said trap and trying to figure out what the hell happened, guess what I see?

A rodent.

A rodent running right towards me.

I will spare you the details but it may or may not have involved so much screaming that The Girl Child politely asked me to stop screaming so much because it was scaring her.

I will not confirm that though.

And then, just like that, the little bitch was gone again. 

It's been two days now and I still haven't found it. I've been diligently checking the traps and none show any evidence that even the tiniest of rodent tongues has touched it, and believe me I would know because I check. Carefully.

I am starting to think that in the flurry of my screaming that it escaped through the open door, but really, could I be that lucky?

Never.

In the meantime my friends are having a grand old time teasing me.



There has been many a joke made that I'm turning into Cinderella with my house full of rodents who will whistle with me while I work. But hey, if those little critters want to help me clean, make me clothes and help me find prince charming, I would be willing to reevaluate his eviction. So far though I have not seen any evidence of him earning his keep and am actually quite convinced that he is probably licking my ears while I sleep, so he needs to go.

On top of that, every time I go downstairs The Boy Child says in a panic "take da knife and da peanut butter so it not get you!"

I think I may have mistakenly caused him to believe that a knife and peanut butter are some sort of rodent defense.

Oops.

Like I said though, it's been two days now and I still haven't found the damn thing.

I am not ok with this.

I don't like having to peek around the corner of the door frame before I walk into a room and having to shake all my clothes before I put them on.

He needs to go.

Game on bitch.





15 comments:

  1. If you pick mice up by the tail, they can (and will) swing up and bite you. I have the tooth marks on my fingers to prove it lol

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    1. Wow really!! Well I'm glad I neve knew that while I worked at the petstore! My ex was the manager and I ran the small animal department, meaning I had to clean the critter cages. By "critter cages" I mean that aside from all the bunnies and ferretts, I had to clean the ten large aquariums filled to the brim with mice and rats and to clean them it meant moving all of them to another tank. TNaturally I was not to keen on this idea, but they always told me as long as I grabbed them by the end of the tail they wouldn't be able to bite me. Thousands upon thousands of mice later and thankfully none proved that wrong!

      You have now ruined that for me lol. I'll take that part out, I don't want anyone to get bit!

      Delete
  2. You were working with domestic mice, and usually they are fairly timid and relatively tame. A "wild" mouse might possibly think quickly enough to swing and bite you as described (they are fairly timid also, until cornered, and then will become much more aggressive than domestic ones.)

    If you box them in (have them in a closet or drawer with no way to flee,) they will jump directly at you in a last ditch "kamikaze" defiant gesture. (And thus escape and flee, when the average person flinches and recoils involuntarily. And possibly emits a shriek that can be heard from space.)

    They will even do this maneuver to a cat (although it works less often there, as cats don't tend to startle and react like people do, when something small jumps. They actually expect that, when stalking something.) But the mouse will give it a shot anyway... desperate escape at any cost is the plan.

    But honestly, the ones more likely to climb up their tails and bite are actually baby (or young) RATS. !!!! NOT mice. Rats are much more assured and aggressive and fearlessly on the defensive than mice (and they are slightly bigger, with larger heads for the size of their bodies. Um, sort of GERBIL-like....) !!!

    Here's a link to a wildlife removal site showing a pic comparing them (mice/rats):

    http://www.wildlife-removal.com/ratmouse.htm

    If that doesn't work, the actual pic is at:

    https://www.google.com/search?q=baby+rat+vs+mouse+pictures&rls=com.microsoft:en-US:IE-SearchBox&rlz=1I7LENN_enUS466&tbm=isch&imgil=15yJ5wwMnWLOFM%253A%253BTkiDxMVL8db4EM%253Bhttp%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.wildlife-removal.com%25252Fratmouse.htm&source=iu&pf=m&fir=15yJ5wwMnWLOFM%253A%252CTkiDxMVL8db4EM%252C_&usg=__IjwwE6T2RIQvicO3lR7NMjRY2j0%3D&biw=1366&bih=650&ved=0CDQQyjc&ei=PoD4VMGHJ46yoQSqyICwBA#imgdii=_&imgrc=15yJ5wwMnWLOFM%253A%3BTkiDxMVL8db4EM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.wildlife-removal.com%252Fimages%252Fratmousecontrol.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.wildlife-removal.com%252Fratmouse.htm%3B280%3B220

    Hmm.... the one there next to the tiny mouse almost looks like a GERBIL, huh? !?!?!? :(

    But, seriously, if it isn't a rat, if it really IS a gerbil, it is/was probably somebody's (one time) pet. And thus, probably fairly used to people and not afraid of them. And therefore might even be coaxed to come to you, especially with food (and then you slam a shoebox over it, slide a stiff piece of cardboard under it, flip the box over, and take it outside far far away and let it go... then you don't have to kill it or dispose of the remains, etc. Plus, it's far less likely to find a "friend" and breed, so it's not like you're unleashing vermin on the neighborhood, as if it were a wild mouse or rat.)

    And trust me, a rat will NOT come to you. Ever. (So you won't be facing the fate of Willard in the horror movie if you try to befriend the gerbil. IF it's a gerbil it will be friendly, if skittish, if it's a rat it will NOT.)

    So what do you think? Gerbil? Or.... RAT?!?! (Sorry, hate to wreck your day with a more dire possibility than you'd considered.)

    No matter WHAT it is, rodents are destructive. And spread disease with both ends of their bodies. You need it GONE, that's the bottom line. (Before it finds a friend and procreates...) !!!

    Good luck... you might actually (not joking but serious suggestion here) want to borrow a friend's CAT, especially if it is a "hunter" cat (i.e., leaves small furry bodies on the doorstep for the owner, etc.) ??? They really are the quickest, most efficient, non-toxic rodent removal system ever invented. (Just saying!)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. So what you are basically saying...is that I really might have a cujo-style rodent in my house!!??

      NOT COOL.

      I really do think it's a gerbil. We had them as pets growing up and like I said upthread I worked for years at the pet store in the small animal department. It had a fluffyish hairy tail so I'm sure it wasn't a rat bc the hair on their tails is much stubblier and it had teeny tiny ears, much too small for a mouse. Either way though, I don't care, I just want it OUT.

      I once caught a mouse in a house I was cleaning. I moved the toaster and it was standing there like "Um...hello..." so I grabbed a bowl and put it on top!

      Delete
  3. Keep the gerbil as a pet for the girlchild!!

    Failing that, better yet, sell it for twenty bucks to one of the neighborhood kids for your trouble once you catch it.

    Your girlchild looks amazing. How is the boychild doing? Is he progressing well? Is he still considered special needs?

    Yep, an outdoor petting zoo in February sure is weird!

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    1. Ha! She wants a hamster SO bad but I can't afford the added expense right now. :/ Thank you for your compliments! The Boy Child is doing well, he is going in a month or two to one of the University Hospitals to meet with the developmental team for an updated assessment. I think he is a little behind but definitely nothing like he was. He will be in mainstream preschool next year! :)

      Delete
  4. Ha! Ha ha, the ad at the top of this page is to Get Rid of Rodents Now! Too funny.

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  5. did the gerbil look anything like these? https://www.google.com/search?q=gerbil&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=Qfz4VLCRGoW_ggTUn4CwAg&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAQ&biw=1077&bih=626 the website url for this page says there is a gerbil loose in my house

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  6. I've been following your story since your first article for xojane, but this is my first time commenting. I just wanted to say you are awesome, you're an awesome parent, and things will get better for you. My husband and I have had so many seemingly insurmountable situations, and we got through them. You will be ok. My thoughts and prayers are with you. On another note- you totally live near me! I figured it out from things you've mentioned, and some pictures. I wish there was a way I could help you out with groceries, babysitting, etc. Please watch Paypal for something from my family. Take care.

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    1. Thank you for your sweet words :) I'm glad you and your husband made it through some tough times- in this day and age making it through and still being together is an accomplishment in and of itself!!

      Thank you for wanting to help us out, that is so incredibly sweet about you. This blog isn't about money so don't worry about donating anything, I'm just thrilled to have the emotional support you guys offer!

      Delete
  7. I suspected what this article was about even before I'd gotten past the first sentence.

    No, you didn't give it away, but your ads were all for rodent problems. The top one says "We fix rodent problems" and the left side bar says, "Pest Repeller Ultimate."

    It totally ruined the surprise. If you'd been blogging the script to "The Sixth Sense," your ad at the top would have said, "Have you been dead the whole time? We can help!"

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    1. Haha!! I never even look at the ads, but it sucks that they ruined the surpise! They must pick up keywords and match them with appropriate ads. It makes me kind of want to see what else might show up if I put in a few key words...

      Delete
    2. Haha!! I never even look at the ads, but it sucks that they ruined the surpise! They must pick up keywords and match them with appropriate ads. It makes me kind of want to see what else might show up if I put in a few key words...

      Delete