Why Living With A 7 Year Old Is Like Living With A Drunk College Student

Living with a 7 year old is like living with a drunk college student because you have absolutely no idea why they do most of what they do, you constantly have to watch them, and then there are moments when even during their stumbling awkwardness, they are able to argue an amazingly valid point.

I know this because I live with one and this is what a week of living with her looks like:

Monday:

I told The Girl Child to stop running down the hallway of the office building we were in. Looking very annoyed, she informed me “I am not running. I am speed walking and I just happen to be very good at it.”

Hum...

Tuesday:

Suddenly becoming aware of how quiet both kids had become, my motherly warning bells sounded the alarm and I went to check on them in the kitchen. The Boy Child was standing there with a mouth full of pretzels and I didn’t even have time to figure out what was going on before The Girl Child threw him under the bus.

“Mom” she said in a very serious tone, “he was trying to get me to sneak food but I told him that I have just taught myself how to stop sneaking food and I don’t want to get back into sneaking again.”

Nice. Now whatever 12 step program you seem to have graduated from, please pass those lessons onto your brother.

Wednesday:

I was cooking dinner when The Girl Child came leaping into the kitchen, proclaiming loudly “look at me, I’m a mental patient!” while dressed like this:

I gave her the responsible parenting line about being respectful of mental health issues, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't laughing.

Thursday:

While getting ready to take The Girl Child to school, I told her that when she got home that afternoon we were going to be cleaning out the car. She asked me if that would be immediately after school and when I said “yes,” she told me that she was going to try and get a detention today.

Friday:

The Girl Child: “Mom, can I stay up late tonight and finish the movie on the Disney channel?”

Me: “Not tonight hun, we need to get up early in the morning so you need to be in bed early.”

Her: “15 minutes?”

Me: “No minutes.”

Her: “Ten minutes?”

Me: “Zero minutes.”

Her: “Five minutes?”

Me: “If you ask me again, I’m going to start subtracting time from tomorrow as well.”

Her: (She looks at me suspiciously) “Uh… you don’t need to do that…It’s just that you looked like you had a hard day so I was going to stay up late, even though I will be tired tomorrow, so that I could rub your feet.”

Me: “…..15 minutes.”

Her: “Great! Let’s watch the Disney channel while I do it so that I don’t fall asleep.”

Me: *IN MY HEAD* Sneaky bitch… I’m so proud.

Saturday:

I overheard The Girl Child telling Henry Hamster "I'm your mom and it's my job to teach you right from wrong, so I'm telling you that you need to stop standing on the kitchen table."

Curious and slightly alarmed at the fact that Henry was out of his cage and on our kitchen table, I rushed into the kitchen to figure out what was going on.

My bad, apparently he was standing on his kitchen table.

Sunday:

While watching a news story of a baby born on an airplane, The Girl Child looked at me and said very seriously, "that woman probably should have had the baby in the bathroom, it definitely would have been more appropriate."

OK then.

There's never a dull moment here with this kid around...

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If You Liked This, Read These!

"And Then I Died"

"What The Hell?"

"Life In My House Is Strange"

"These Were Actual Conversations"

"I Learned My Kids Were Weird From Facebook"

"Facebook Continues To Remind Me That My Kids Are Weird"