Tuesday, August 9, 2016

I Talked To My Ex's First "Wife," And I Got The Real Story Of The Man I Married

Like my creepy stalker eyes?

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Alrighty, well, I've had some time to let the shock of my ex husband's new life settle in, and I have to say that I'm feeling much better. I mean it wasn't as if I hadn't suspected it in the past (I knew he was still with the woman that he had been cheating on me with and often commented to my friends that it would be really strange if my kids had siblings), but it was just the confirmation of it all, the announcement that my kids do in fact have siblings (GASP), and the realization of depth of his manipulation that knocked the wind out of my lungs.

But I'm good now.

About as good as I can be knowing that my violent, child abusing, potential child sex predator is living with a woman and two young girls, and that he has been using them to manipulate my life since he abandoned us.

So basically I'm not really feeling very good about that at all. I mean as far as the ex goes, well fuck him, but the part about his two young daughters, that's scary.

And after some really long talks with my friends and Mr. Attorney Man about what my options are to warn this poor woman of who she is really married too, the lies that he is probably feeding her, and the danger that he poses to her children... I still don't know what to do.

A picture from the post "The Post Where I Show You My Ex." 
If only I'd known what was coming; both when the picture was originally taken, and when I posted it on the blog two years ago. 

I know what I went through, and I know what my children went through, and I know what we have continued to go through day after day for years on end because of his actions. And I can't lie, I don't like this new wife of his. I know that I don't know her, but I'm sorry, I already don't like her. I can't help but feel angry at the role she has played in my life (she was dating a married man, and I have a hard time believing that she didn't know that), but woman to woman, mother to mother, I also can't help but fear for her safety and the future of her children.

I wouldn't wish what my children went through on anyone; especially not on her children, because as much as it makes me cringe to say this, they are my kid's sisters.

The first and only time I ever left my ex alone with The Boy Child, I came home to find him with the start of a black eye. Up until then he had only hit me and as far as I knew at the time, had never hit our daughter. He was firm that the baby had hit himself in the eye with an exersaucer toy, and the exersaucer did have a spring loaded toy at eye level. I took him to the doctor and because of the black eye and mandatory reporting, child services got involved. We were cleared of any wrong doing, but I never left him alone with the kids again. A few weeks later The Girl Child started talking about "the night mommy left and daddy hit my baby brother." When the whole story came out, my ex split, and now here he is, with another woman, and new kids to hurt.

But unfortunately, after going through all of my options in ways that I could warn his new wife, I've realized that I don't really have any. Mr. Attorney Man doesn't think there is anything that I can do right now without jeopardizing my safety (and my kid's), or my court case, or putting me in a position where I might come off as the crazy stalker, and I can't say that I disagree with him. So for now, I'll just wait. I'm not at all happy and it won't end here, but I don't know what else to do.

Wait, and pray, and then pray some more.

God help her, because she is going to need it.

She is going to need it, because my ex's abuses and his lies did not start with me, and they won't end with me. This is a pattern for him, and I know it, because I spoke to his first "wife."

Oh yes, I did.

The day after court and the big reveal of his new life, I did something that I haven't done since he first disappeared. I spent some time doing a little research on my ex and I found records of this first wife that I knew nothing about. From the stories he used to tell me, I had known her as the woman of his past who had broken his heart, cleaned out his apartment, stolen their dog, and run off with his best friend, but I had not been aware that they were married. So when I began to find her first name with his last name on different things that they shared  — over and over again online — I was shocked (well, about as shocked as you can be a day after finding out about another one of your husband's wife and his other kids).

In light of this online discovery, I did what any normal woman would do in my situation, and while I was restraining myself from storming over to his new wife's place of employment and giving her a piece of my mind, I busied myself reaching out to his first wife on Facebook.

Oh come on, you totally would have done the same thing. Short of donning some kind of disguise and sneaking over to the current wife's workplace like a stalker, this was the least crazy outlet that I could come up with.



So anyway, I found the woman that I believed might be his first wife, and I messaged her. I wasn't sure what you even say to someone that you have tracked down on Facebook for a reason as strange as this, and so the only thing that I could think to say was "I know this is strange, but by change do you know, or have you ever known, a [ex husband's name]?"

When she responded back a couple days later, I was floored.

But not as floored as I was when her story began to pour out and we could see where it intermingled with mine. The similarities were both hysterical and heart-breaking, but before I get there, I need to set the record straight because it's not fair to this poor woman to be linked to my monster of an ex in a way that she shouldn't be.

She was never his wife.

From what I can tell in regards to that matter, after she broke up with him, he went on to use her name with his last name for things that I'd assume were to his benefit. But bless her heart, that lucky woman never married him.

Nope, she never let things get as far as I did, because she saw all the warning signs that I had missed in him before I said "I do." Or maybe he just learned to hide them better after she saw him for who he really was.

All I know was that the two of us chatted over the course of several hours, and although it's not my business to share her stories with the world, I will say that dating and living with him did have an impact on the rest of her life.

I took screenshots of the conversation, edited them like I always do to protect privacy, and then when I came to upload them here... I couldn't do it. I realized that the words she shared with me were shared in confidence, and even if none of you ever know who she is, I will know, and I will know that I broke that confidence.


So unfortunately, as supporting as everything she said would be to my story (although admittedly her relationship with him did not turn physically abusive as mine did), and as much as I want to post her story in vindication and yell "AH HA! I TOLD YOU! HE REALLY IS CRAZY," I can't do that, because if there is one thing that I have always held firm on, it's that I promised myself that I would handle this process in dignity and grace, and I refuse to let my ex steal my personal standards from me too.

But it doesn't matter that I can't share her story and her "supporting evidence" with you, because I know it's there. I know that what happened and the things that he did to me, our pets, and eventually our children, that they didn't begin with me, and they weren't instigated by me.

They were all him, as they had always been; right down to the beginning when he met both of us; when we were both the same age, we had both been kicked out of the house by our parents, and we were easy targets to try and control.

And as much as I've convinced myself over the years that this was not in fact my fault, I will be honest and say that it took a lot of just that — convincing (and therapy) — to get myself to really start believing it.

It's one thing to hear a counselor tell you it's not your fault, and it's another thing to hear the woman before you tell you that you were not the first one, because you were not the first time he laid the exact same trap built upon a fabricated sob story of manipulations; "he tried to control me, he fed me the sob story, this is what his mother did when I kicked him out, he lied, yes he was on drugs, and I took our dog."

Yep, she actually did take the dog, but that was the only part of the sob story he told me that was true; everything else was a lie. And she didn't take the dog in some sort of vengeful act during the ending of their relationship, she took the dog in an effort to save it's life (which he conveniently left out of his story). And she probably did just that since he went on to kill the next two dogs in his care.

She though, was incredibly lucky that her family circled back around and rallied to help her leave him, and thankfully time has done her well. I am so happy that she got out before things got really bad, and went on to live a happy life! I wish that I myself had left him just as she found the strength and family support to do, but I guess, if we are talking what-ifs here, if that had happened I would not have my children, and so in that sense — in some twisted way — I'm glad I did marry him.

But I'm also happy that he is gone.

Yet I can't help but feel worried for the wife and kids that are now living with the man that two other woman have been so lucky to escape from. I can't help but care about the woman who slept with my husband, and the kids who have replaced the ones he left behind.

I can't help but worry that maybe they two are in for the nightmare he rained down upon us, and fear that she just doesn't know it yet because after two failed attempts, he has finally learned to hide the devil just a little bit better this time, for a little bit longer.

I know he has had a lot of practice, and so I pray.

Lord, how I pray.

But in the meantime, I'm thankful that through all of the heartache this latest experience has brought me, that it has brought me some much needed answers that if anything, are soothing my heart in a way that I don't think I realized I needed.

It really is amazing that after ten years with him I finally learned the true story of his life up until he met me, and after four years away from him, I have finally learned the whole story of his life after me. 

So here I sit, overwhelmed by the amount of information that has suddenly taken up residency in all the gaping holes of my life story, and I'm left feeling strangely peaceful, and at the same time, worried.

I can't stop worrying about his new wife and kids. I know what I went through, and I know that it won't end with me. And as much as she might hate me right now for all the things I'm sure he has told her, I know that eventually she won't hate me as much, because she too will see who the real monster is.

So if I should get the same fateful message on Facebook one day, well... I guess I'll be thankful that maybe she too is going to have the chance to escape.

The one screenshot I will post from my conversation with his ex.

Until that day, I'll just keep praying.


But don't think for a minute that it means I'm letting either of them off the legal hook after what they've done to me and my kids, because I'm sure as hell still praying for us too.


29 comments:

  1. Wow, it must have been vindicating to speak to someone who truly could understand what you've been through. While you're right not to share her story on the internet, could she at some point support you in court, corroborate your own story?

    I can't believe your ex didn't get done for contempt of court when he's been withholding the truth about his circumstances for so long, didn't that awful judge have anything to say about that?

    While I can well understand your dislike of his current wife, there's a good chance she's been fed a whole sob story from him where he's cast you as the cheating domestic abuser. Hell it wouldn't surprise him if he comments on A Voice For Men about how hard done by he is by the evil court system.

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    1. I don't think her testimony would be admissible in court-- it would be considered irrelevant to Eden and her story, as well as more prejudicial than probative. Also, from a legal perspective, I don't think he has to disclose that he has a new wife and kids during the child support proceedings.

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    2. I think it would depend. If he hasn't been disclosing his true financial status, and he's been lying about it, then that is legally relevant. But to prove it, it's a "he said, she said" thing. But if you have a witness that can testify that he has a long history of lies and manipulations, that may be relevant because it proves Eden's point that he is playing the judge to his advantage.

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    3. Some of it is relevant, and I'd LOVE to say what, but on the off chance they are reading this... I don't want to give away my strategy lol :)

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    4. I think it's relevant, given that he's now giving this as an excuse not to pay what he owes, yet he hasn't mentioned this during numerous other court appearances where he was ordered to pay child support. He's been wasting the court's time and everyone else's, surely that's contempt of court?

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    5. Yep!! Not to mention lying that he was homeless...

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  2. Worried and JadedAugust 9, 2016 at 8:29 AM

    This is exactly what these abusive men do, and the reason that you are reacting so emotionally is because you are being victimized all over again and I'm sure it's triggering your PTSD.

    Your ex has once again continued to wiggle his way out of any true consequences for what he has done, and anything he is doing now is simply just damage control. As long as he can lie to you, lie to the judge, and manipulate the situation, he will, and the worst part is, it's working.

    You talk a lot about 'gas lighting' in your previous posts, and that is what's going on here. He is altering your reality and somehow managing to get the court to adapt to it, and you're left standing there wondering "am I crazy? Is this really happening?" I know this, because I'm going through the exact same thing and it took my counselor a good deal of sessions to get me to understand this.

    You are still being manipulated and gas lighted and just as he had so many people believing his "sob stories" for years on end, it's still working for him now. You are a perpetual victim to him and it doesn't feel good does it. You are so lucky you have your attorney standing up for you. I have no one and it's killing me.

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  3. I am shocked every time you write at how similar my story is to yours. Other then my ex wants to be in my daughter's life. Wants to continue the cycle of lies and abuse and I am powerless to stop it. All the court sees is a man who wants to be in his child's life not the man who put his hands around my throat. I also worry about the next one. The woman he lives with has two young kids. I have tried to warn her by posting things to my page about the abuse and cheating hoping she will read it. But it's all we can do. Head up it gets better every day.

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    1. If you read articles online about psychopaths, it almost never works when you try to warn the current victim. The psychopath is far too manipulative, and will simply turn things around to make YOU look like the psycho and he the victim. Save yourself the stress and heartache. The best think you can do is move forward and STAY AWAY as best you can.

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  4. Anything you read online about psychopaths (and your ex certainly is one), tells the tales of women who have gone to the current target to warn them, and they are rarely believed. It doesn't matter what evidence you have- just as he told you the stories of the woman before you, he will do that same again to this woman. It will be all your fault. You will be the psycho and he will be the victim.

    I know as women we want to save other women, and perhaps get back at those that have hurt us, but it is probably not going to work. Don't do it!

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    1. I've been thinking about that too. Such a frustrating situation. I was telling my attorney the same thing, that I wouldn't have believed some woman that tried to warn me, although it would have put me on high alert and maybe I wouldn't have missed so many red flags.

      It's hard to tell :/

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  5. This is so crazy, it MUST be your story! ;)

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  6. CPS DID NOT get involved with you just bc the baby had a tiny mark on its face. As a former CPS worker I call bullshit. Something else triggered your investigation and it wasn't just that scratch. He was probably telling the truth and the baby most likely got bopped by a toy on his seat. Its not right to make someone out to be abusive in ways in they aren't. And WHY would you think you need to "warn" this woman of anything? Every relationship is different and he could be totally different with her than he was with you. It's none of your business and you aren't doing it because you actually care about this woman getting hurt, you're wanting to warn her because you just cant let go. Get over it!

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    1. You can call anything you want, but it doesn't make you right. I took him to the doctor, and as mandated reporters, they reported it. The doctor said I could drive him to the hospital myself since he trusted that I had not hurt him, but that if I didn't show up to the hospital within 30 minutes the police would be called. When I got to the hospital, they were waiting for me. They took him and x-rayed his ENTIRE body in a lengthy series of films, looking to make sure he didn't have any fractures that weren't reported.

      It wasn't a tiny scratch, it was a black eye. And if you are a former CPS worker and you wouldn't investigate that, then shame on you and that's exactly why so many children die when workers like you don't look into things like this. Shame on you!

      What are you, his new wife? Because you are way to invested in my story if it aggravates you this much.

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    2. "Every relationship is different and he could be totally different with her than he was with you." Well I'm calling bullshit on that Tammy, and bullshit on you. An abuser is an abuser and he won't change. A CPS worker? That is TERRIFYING. So what, do you leave children with their parents as long as you just remove the one they are abusing? Because "every relationship is different?"

      Go ahead Tammy, post under your real name and let's look into this job of yours. $100 bucks says you got fired because you sucked at it.

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    3. Thats no scratch its a red mark, probably the beginning of a bruise like eden said and it goes around his entire eye and down into his cheek if you look carefully.

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    4. "Every relationship is different and he could be totally different with her than he was with you."

      Come on. With narcissistic abusive assholes, all relationships will wind up the same way.

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    5. Abuse has almost nothing to do with the abused, and everything to do with flaws in the abuser. He couldn't have changed that much.

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  7. My mother's ex gave her a similar sob story - his previous wife was abusive, manipulative, evil, etc. She fell for it. And when they got engaged, his two sons created a "How to Survive Living with [His Name]" booklet.

    Similar things happened with him when she took him to court. The judge believed he was just a poor, misunderstood man, and she was a vindictive woman who wanted to take advantage of him. He broke the restraining order multiple times, but the judge just kept saying "Poor, poor Guy. He just wants to be with his wife and she won't let him."

    Thank goodness she divorced him and he decided rather than going back and forth to court, he'd just move to a state several hundred (maybe thousand) miles away. With a former friend of hers...

    While I can't be happy his previous wife suffered through that hell, it must still be nice (that sounds awful of me) to have that validation. To have spoken to someone else who went through what you've gone through is always comforting, even if it's heart breaking to know someone else understands.

    It's a tough situation. You want to warn the other woman about what will likely be her future, but you also have to protect yourself and your kids. You and your kids have to come first, no matter how difficult it is knowing what you know.

    I want to punch your judge in the face though.

    *DISCLAIMER* I have no intention of physically harming anyone. I don't know who this judge actually is and would never cause him any harm. Desire is as far as this will go.

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    1. The validation is amazing, but I agree it's bittersweet that she had to deal with him too.

      Love the disclaimer lol. I say things like that all the time and then am like "you all know I'm not serious, right? I would never do that, you know that, RIGHT?"

      Geesh I'm sorry you guys had to deal with a loser too. Glad he is so far away now! I feel all icky that his wife is only a few minutes from me. :/

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  8. Love your poats eden, but why do u not post all comments ? -confused commenter

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    1. I publish nearly all of the comments that come through, but I do not publish comments that are written in a trolling nature. If you are looking for a comment that you don't see here, then it was probably deleted. As a general rule around here, you are welcome to dislike me, dislike my writing, not believe my writing, or disagree with my writing, but that doesn't mean that I need to give you a platform for your negativity on my own personal blog.

      If you have a disagreement or a critique and it's written respectfully, I will publish it. If it's rude, "bullyish," or "respectfully backhanded," I will not.

      Other than that, all comments are published. If you are looking for a comment that isn't applicable to anything I said above and still wasn't published, feel free to shoot me an email. Sometimes the spam filter grabs comments before I even get the chance to approve or deny them.

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    2. Haha, don't you love it when the trolls come back looking for their comments, and then act so confused when they can't find them?

      #SorryButYouWereADick

      -A fellow blogger

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    3. I wrote one comment a little while ago that idk why it would be considered trollish at all. Maybe not completely supporting and fawning over the author is now considered trolling? I don't know, I'm not hip on the lingo lol. Oh well

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    4. She posts a lot of comments that aren't in complete support of her. She's posting yours isn't she?

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  9. It's admirable that while your instinct is to be concerned for the new family, you're still forging ahead to protect and provide for your children. Don't feel any guilt about not being able to help this new family of his. You spend your time and resources on yourself, your children, and those close to you without a second thought. Praying for them is more than most would do.

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