Thursday, September 8, 2016

I'm So Angry!

Last week I was sitting in a left turn lane when a car attempted to pull out of a right-turn-only business exit, and make a left turn.

She didn’t make it.

She hit the back of my car, backed up, made a u-turn, and drove away. By the grace of God there were no other cars around, so I was able to make a legal u-turn and follow her to where she got stuck in traffic at a red light.

After snapping a picture of her license plate, I pulled into the lane next to her, beeped the horn, and motioned for her to pull over.

She laughed, basically flipped me off, and sped away.


Not wanting to kill myself while entering a high-speed chase down a very busy road, and unsure of what I would even do if I caught up with her (is it legal to run people off the road? I’m thinking probably not…), I simply pulled into the next business parking lot that I came across, and called the police.

The 911 dispatcher was all over it from the second she answered the phone. “What color was the SUV? Which direction was she traveling? What was the license plate number?” and within minutes an officer had pulled up next to me in the parking lot.

For the first time, I got out of the car to survey the damage she had done to my care, and I’m embarrassed to admit, it wasn’t much.


Whomp whomp.


I mean sure, of course I am thankful that it was minor and I was not hurt, but when I got a good look at the one inch dent in my bumper accompanied by some of her tan colored paint that I was able to rub off with my hands, I felt really stupid that I had made such a fuss, and began to apologize profusely.

The cop though, well he didn’t agree. “No!” he stated firmly, “you can’t just let her get away with that! People who do things like that, those are the same people that do other bad things and think they can get away with it! She committed a crime, and she needs to be held accountable.”

With that, he asked me a series of questions about the car that hit me and what the driver looked like, took a look at the photo I took of her plates, and then got into his car to run the information through the computer.

“Well,” he said a few minutes later as he emerged from his car, "the plate number you gave me does come back registered to the type of car in your photograph, and the description you gave me does match the drivers license that we have on file matching the name of the car's owner. So what I’m going to do is snap a few pictures of your car, we will get a detective on the case, and haul her in for a lineup.”

Bring her in for a lineup. For a one-inch dent. I literally laughed out loud, because I was sure he was joking.

He was not joking.

“Ma’am,” he said. “A hit-and-run is a very serious crime, you could have been hurt, and people shouldn’t get away with doing things like this to people. I can tell that you’re a good person, and you didn’t deserve this.”

And you know what? I suddenly became very, very aware that he was right!!

She should NOT get away with this! When people do bad things, they deserve to be punished! They deserve to be held accountable! They deserve to know that what they did was wrong!

People cannot just go around beating their wives, raping them, hitting their babies, and then abandoning them! They can’t just start new families, and make new kids, and try to pretend that the other ones never existed!

This isn’t allowed!!

In one second, everything that cop was saying became totally irrelevant to whatever-the-hell-her-name-is who hit my car, and instead justified all the feelings that I’ve been struggling with for the last four years, in what my husband did to me, and got away with.

Why, does my town care more about a dent in my car, than the fact that I got raped?

Why, does a judge care more about my husband’s new life, than the children that he left behind?

Because my kids and I, well I’d like to think that we are good people and we didn’t deserve this.


Yet somehow, everything for my ex-husband seems to be working out just fine… because he got away with it.

I’m struggling, I really am. I know that a lot of you come here for my uplifting posts, and my triumphs over tragedy, and I also know that a lot of you troll me because I’m the “plucky survivor” (or so I’ve been deemed), but right now I’m not feeling all that plucky. I’m not feeling optimistic, and I’d be lying if I said that this wasn’t the most depressed that I’ve felt about this situation in a really long time.

I suddenly can’t seem to set aside what my ex did to us, and I’m not sure that I understand why I’m feeling this way. His leaving was the best thing that could have happened to us, and there is zero part of me that wants him back, or wants him in my life, and if he ever came back, I’d grab my kids and be on the first plane to whatever country had the first flight out.

Yet I’m so angry that he got away with abandoning everyone.

And even that doesn’t make much sense to me, because I’m angrier that he got away with everything, than I am that he put me through what he did.

I feel like I should be angriest about the rape, and the fact that the police didn’t do very much… but I’m not. And I’m not even that angry that he abused me either, and I don’t know why. I feel like the right thing to do would be to feel angry… but I just don’t feel it anymore. I’m hurt, I still feel a little bit damaged, and it took a LOT to recover from the long lasting effects of what he did, but I feel like I’ve made peace with the situation. What he did was not OK, and it will never be OK, but I let the anger go a long time ago.

I had to let the anger go so that I could move on, and move on I did.


Which is why I’m having such a difficult time processing why I can’t seem to put out the flames of fury that have been reignited towards his abandonment of us. Well… wait… that’s not even correct. Because when I thought he was homeless and living in his car, well I didn’t really care that he had left us. But knowing that he has been playing me, and playing the system, and living quite fine since he left, well, that anger I can’t seem to ignore.

I’m just, so, angry.

I’m angry that I’ve stood in line at the food pantry for years, while he was not paying his child support because he was “homeless” and “jobless,” when he has really getting married and going on vacations. I’m angry that I have spent YEARS trying to navigate my daughter through a world where her daddy chose not to love her anymore, and he has been busy creating another little girl to replace her. I’m livid that I’ve spent years fighting tooth and nail to get my children the healthcare that they needed in a broken public aide system, while he defied a court order to insure my kids, and instead spent his money insuring his two new kids.

I’m just so angry, and even more than angry, I’m hurting for my kids.

I’m hurting that their dad did this to them, and that there is nothing I can do to fix it. I’m terrified of the day that I will have to explain all of this to them, and I’m so, so, so, angry that he got away with it all.

And maybe that right there is the key; I know how hard it was for me to get past what he did to me. I know how much counseling it took, and how many bad choices I made because of what he did to me, and how it changed who I was. It took me years to undo the damage that he did to me, and I want to protect my kids from all of that, but I can’t.


There is some strange level of comfort in knowing that what happened to me, was partly my own fault. I mean it was NEVER my fault for getting abused or raped, but it was my decision to marry him, my decision to stay with him, and although I am not, and never will say that assault is the victim’s fault, there is something mentally and emotionally helpful in knowing that all the work that I’ve done on myself in the last few years, will hopefully give me some measure of safety in preventing any of this from happening again.

But my kids, they were completely innocent victims in this, and it hurts me to know that I had any hand in what their father did to them.

I created them with a man who doesn’t want them
.

It makes me angry that I spend every second of my day protecting my babies, and trying my hardest to do everything in my power to make the world a safe place for them, and this guy, this loser who isn’t even here, is making my job harder.

He is damaging them in ways that I can’t even comprehend yet, and in ways that I’ve spent the last four years trying to heal them from. He has created a whole new family that I have to one day explain to my kids, and I don’t know how to do that. I’m angry that he was so easily able to set my kids down, and walk away from them.

I’m so angry that he hurt my kids and there have been zero repercussions for it. 

For everything. The rape, the abuse, the abandonment, the lying, and now, he continues to keep avoiding the punishments.

I’m angry, and I’m not sure what to do about it because I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry before, and I’m beginning to wonder, even after just writing this, if some of my anger is born from the guilt that I brought my children into this.

I chose this man.

What was done to me, I walked right into, but what was done to my kids, I bore them into this.


A couple days ago the police station called me and said that I didn’t need to go in for a line-up, because they had found the driver who hit me and drove away. They said that she adamantly denied it, but when they inspected her car, her front bumper was completely crushed in and my blue paint was streaked from her headlight to her taillight. The cop said that in all his years, he had never seen an SUV with so much damage, when the much smaller car (mine), only had a dent.

He told me that I must have good luck since my car wasn’t damaged more, and since I had gotten a picture of her license plate before she drove away. Among other things, she was then charged with a hit-and-run. Her insurance company assumed full liability, and my car will be getting the giant one-inch-dent fixed within the next few weeks.

Lucky the cop told me, “you are so lucky.”

I know that I should feel happy, but I just can’t seem to feel that way.

My kids are safe, and I am safe. I know that I should feel nothing short of incredibly blessed, and I feel like a bad human being for feeling otherwise. Reality tells me that this is not the end of the world, and logically I know that; this is not the worst that things can get. Things could be so much worse, but they’re not, and I know that makes me lucky. I still get to tuck my babies into bed tonight, and that is the most important thing.

I am lucky, and I am blessed.


But I’m angry, and I don’t like feeling this way. I feel like I should expect better of myself right now, and I’m not proud of how I feel.

I’m not proud that I’m feeling this angry.

And I’m not happy that this man once again, has me wondering if this was all my fault. I don't like feeling the domestic violence mindset that I've tried so hard to free myself from, creeping back up and over me once again.

So there you have it folks. It's not always pretty and perfect in blogland. Sometimes it's ugly and unflattering, and today that's where I'm at.


************


To Read More About How I Got To This Point, Read These Relevant Posts:






36 comments:

  1. Just remember, Eden....We are not our feelings. You feel them, and they are there, and they are important, but they aren't us. They don't define us. They're transient, coming and going in completely predictable and unpredictable ways. Just because you worked through how you felt about how your ex treated you, doesn't mean you worked through how you felt about how your ex treated your kids. And you did all that work based on certain assumptions which have turned out to not be accurate. You are going to go through all that stuff again. And probably again and again and again. Remember how hard it was to go through the first time? It'll be hard again (but probably just a teeny smidge less hard, and for a teeny smidge less long). Every time you go through it, it'll be a teeny smidge less hard, and a teeny smidge less long. You'll start to remember that you made it through the process the last umptymillion times, and you realize that you'll make it through the umptymillionandfirst time, too.

    Please try to remember that your feelings are VALID! It's OK to feel what you're feeling! You SHOULD be absolutely furious about what he's done to you and your family. You don't have to (and, from a mental health perspective, probably shouldn't) "just move on." Dealing with these things from different angles and different perspectives is what keeps you on the path of health, growth, and healing. Ignoring, disassociating, and compartmentalizing is what prevents those things.

    *hugs* So be pissed off. Take BC's whiffleball bat into the garage and beat on a pillow as hard as you can for as long as you can (and even imagine that the pillow wears your ex's face). It's awesome how much better you'll feel after that.

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    1. AND YOU DID IT AGAIN.

      Made a very valid point. I did all my "mental health" work based on a certain set of information that turned out to be falsified... and that does change things.

      Send whiffleball stat.

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    2. *smug* That's because I'm awesome.

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  2. allow yourself to be angry. you have EVERY right. Just feel it and move on. Don't dwell in anger.

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  3. Well I'm glad that awful woman will have her insurance premiums go up.

    Karma will catch up with your ex one day, it might just take a while. Meanwhile the best revenge is a life well lived.

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    1. Ha, and apparently the insurance claims are classified in 3 tiers, your rates going up with each damage tier you enter.

      My damage came in $11 over the second tier, which means the will def be getting a bigger rate increase :0

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  4. Eden, you have every right to be angry.

    You were hurt and your kids were hurt.

    Your family has to suffer and struggle, while your ex doesn't suffer any of the consequences of his actions, and, in fact, seems to only benefit from his bad behavior.

    What that lady did in your hit and run accident was simply "metaphor" for what your ex put you and your family through. It's not surprising it stirred your anger and resentment.

    You have your kids
    You have a very nice man in your world
    You are a good mom
    You have a bunch of us out in Cyberland rooting for you (you probably have a house full of "Puppy Surprise" stuffed animals to prove it...

    Your life is only going in one direction from here forward.

    Hang in there. You are doing great.

    Hugs from the SF Bay Area

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  5. Please get her insurance to replace your car seats. I think at one point you said you had Diono seats and I think they need to be replaced after any accident even if they were unoccupied.

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  6. There's power in anger, at least when it's righteous and channeled correctly. In doing so, it allows emotions to come out the right way and eventually subsides and becomes lessons we never forget While many don't enjoy it, realize it's only temporary and its within your power to use it positively and then let go. at least don't let it fester and turn into bitterness. In the words of Alex Vause- "sometimes you gotta rage!"

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  7. It's always that last straw that "breaks the camel's back). People you don't know are praying for you and your kids and everyone in a situation similar to yours. Just know even when you feel alone you're not.

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  8. I am so very glad that you are ok...and glad that you have a cop who cares abou tmaking this right for you! Nice to feel like you have someone on your side!

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  9. I think you need to print out this post and include it in a statement to the judge for the next court date!

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  10. Sometimes a "small" thing like this can unleash BIG emotion. Know that wether I know you personally or not, I'm with you and understand

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  11. Perhaps also you are angry that you put your faith into a system that told you (and heck, a whole lot of people tell you) would uphold what was right, and instead fed you a great big greasy bowl of not even left.

    Totally justified anger!!!

    But as someone said, the trick is on not letting that define your life - and you are pretty awesome at that trick, just remember when the waves of doubt and gloom and anger threaten to crush you that YOU ARE.

    You truly are. Your kids are so blessed to have you. Him not being there and being bailed out by the unfair judicial system is not any sort of counterbalance to what they REALLY have going for them.

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  12. Your photography is incredible. You have a keen eye for it.

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  13. Your photography is incredible. You have a keen eye for it.

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  14. Sometimes, the hardest part of dealing with things is letting go of your right to get justice. I struggle with that aspect the most when it comes to bad experiences from my past; that and forgiving myself. Nobody deserves these kinds of things and in a perfect world justice would be served. Letting go doesn't excuse the perpetrator but it does help the victim in the healing process. Sometimes, though, letting it all out helps you more.

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  15. You are angry because someone else is doing well in his or her life? That doesn't sound like you.

    You are comparing yourself to another person rather than yourself. This is what you have told us not to do. Whatever your ex does is his thing. Comparing you now to how you were years ago, you have come a long way, and you should be proud of that rather than feeling like you got the short end of the stick. That was the positivity we admired!

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    1. Wait... are you suggesting that she should be happy that her ex is getting away with criminal behavior? It's one thing for her to be happy for other people, but it's a different story to expect her to be chipper about her husband repeatedly escaping punishment for what he did to her and her kids. She has every right to be angry, and if she were instead happy that her ex was doing well in his new life, while fucking her over, I would not be here reading because that would make her delusional. its not as simple as "oh well, he is doing his thing and im doing mine," no, his decisions are HURTING her in multiple ways. His decisions have left her children uninsured and underfed. His decisions have hurt her kids and are continuing to hurt them. He is making a new family at the expense of her kids. She said that she didnt care that he was gone, she just cares that his new life is directly making hers worse.

      Thats not a comparison, thats criminal, and she would be delusional to be happy for him and his new life.

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  16. Why do you never compare yourself to poor black single mothers? It seems like you have a lot in common with them besides not being black. It's super common for their man to leave and start second families. If you go to their communities you will find many people like you and maybe not feel so alone.

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    1. Um...do you even realize how racist that is?

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    2. When I first read it I was like "RACIST" but after reading it a few times I kind of think the OP was trying to be helpful. Like maybe she was trying to help Eden find more women in situations like her, but didn't realize that its actually a racist stigma. ??

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    3. I wasn't quite sure what to make of this either...

      But either way, it may be more "common" in some cultural epicenters, but the issue transcends skin color and I'm not sure that I really need to compare myself to a specific group of people in order to find many women who are unfortunately going through the same experience :(

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  17. So glad the police caught the woman who hit you. I agree with what someone else said above - look into the possibility of her replacing your car seats. I've heard they should be replaced after an accident, no matter how minor.

    And you have absolutely every right to be royally and completely PISSED OFF. It doesn't matter if things are going well right now, in this moment. Your jackass of an ex is getting away with everything he's been doing and has had to face no consequences. Not only that, but it seems the entire court system (minus your lawyer) is leaning towards his side rather than yours.

    So be pissed off. Let yourself feel the anger. If you have batting cages near you, go hit some softballs. I've done that when I'm angry, and pictured certain people's faces coming at me, haha. It did wonders. If batting cages aren't an option, punch a pillow, scream into a pillow, find a big stick and whack a tree.

    Then, go hug your amazing kids. <3

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  18. I am experiencing something similar to what you are. Little injustices at my workplace are bringing back old resentments about the abuses my father committed against me my whole childhood. I saw a therapist once a week for over six years, made a lot of progress, but now when my boss breaks some minor rule, or shows favoritism towards other employees, I find myself obsessing again over childhood pains I thought I had mourned and overcome.
    I'm not sure what to do about it, but reading about your experience has helped a little.
    I'm glad you were able to get some justice, but I can see how disheartening it is that the justice was unobtainable when it was really needed the most.

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    1. There's a completely psychological basis for that and I remember learning about it in school, but it's sometimes hard to see it for what it is when I'm living through it, but you are right. It's all the little things that cause your brain to remember the feelings associated with the big things that were similar in nature. I hope that work gets better for you soon.

      *hugs*

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  19. Mull this thought over: We all know that everything happens for a reason, God doesn't give you more than you can handle, What goes around comes around and there are so many more of these types of sayings. Our family too have been dealt a life altering incident that till the day I die I will never ever comprehend why!
    But what I have come to be at peace with it because there will NEVER EVER be closure for what happened. I have to move ahead and believe me its been over a decade. My children now adults are safe, loved, educated and hard working. They do not drink. smoke or do drugs. And that's what I continually hold onto. I lost my sweetheart whom I have loved since I was 16--He is still here, we are still married and every day we revamp who we are. Due to a MVA not of his making but rather a young teen-ager who made a poor decision, had Not been drinking, carried no insurance and was basically an orphan. No regress there! He suffered brain trauma, lost his education and career and will never be that sweet boy I fell in love with. We were good kids. We made all the right decisions, we are highly educated and made over 6 figures. Gone in 1 spit second. I lost my career shortly after the accident and the kids were still in grade school. And I wonder why? I was highly successful in my career, why and how could I lose that too? I was told by a very wise and Christian friend who truly believes in God, that it was Gods way of saying "your needed by your children and husband. They are the greater need" And I have held onto that for over 10 years. So maybe God is in his own mysterious way is saying "your children need protecting from this evil man" I firmly believe in Karma for said ex-husband but in the mean time focus on the fact that your children are loved,safe, healthy (most of the time) I do know they have health issues and you are giving them a life you did not have. Don't worry about what they may have lost but rather what they have gained. God delivers messages in odd ways. Will it always be a struggle dealing with said ex? Maybe but think again of the children. Your strength is unbelievable, use that everyday and don't let him take over all the positive growth and strength you have gained.

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    1. Oh my goodness, I just want to give you a big hug right now. You've been through so much :(

      I love your faith outlook though, thank you for reminding me to hold onto that :)

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  20. I have just discovered your blog....this story could be my story with a few edits!! I, too, am so damned ANGRY!! So much so, that it is affecting me mentally any physically and laying so much guilt on myself for not protecting my kids. One day at a time....

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    1. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way too :( It is not easy, or fun! I'm slowly but surely making progress, and I hope you do too :) We deserve better than to feel this way!

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