Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I'm Selling My Body

I was never nurtured into adulthood; I was dragged, kicked, and shoved until I got there. It wasn’t long after I turned 18 that I came home to find my parents putting boxes in my room and essentially telling me “we’re done, get out!” To be honest, I couldn’t fill those boxes fast enough and I did get out so fast I think the only thing you would have seen was the streak that was me fleeing from the hell hole I called home.

But before I moved out for good, I lived in a lot of different places. There were many nights after I just couldn’t take it anymore that I would climb out my bedroom window, completely unbeknownst to my parents, and head to the downtown area less than a mile from my house. There I would sleep under the bridge with the rest of my fellow “unwanteds,” and together we grew up. Street kids form a family unit that is unlike anything you can imagine unless you have lived it. 

Despite how accepted I was by the kids I met under the bridge, there was a distinctive difference between them and myself. Most of them had been subjected to horrors that differed from mine in such a way that theirs exposed them to the world. They watched their drug addicted mothers prostitute themselves and they visited their fathers in jail. They lived on the streets and in homeless shelters until their parents either disappeared completely or they ran away from whatever hellish foster home they were in and landed under the bridge. I on the other hand never experienced any of that because I grew up in almost complete isolation, never learning much outside of the four walls of my home. When I finally started running away from home I was so oblivious as to how the world worked that they took me in and fiercely protected me, knowing that I would never make it out there on my own.

I watched the kids around me fall prey to the ways of the streets. Girls became prostitutes and guys became drug dealers. I watched many fall into their own drug addictions and I unfortunately watched several lose their lives because of it. When you are a street kid, no one tells you that you can be anything. We didn’t sit around saying “I want to become a doctor. I want to become a lawyer.” We sat around hoping we made it to adulthood and beyond that we didn’t dare dream.

I wasn’t sure who I would be when I grew up, if I grew up, I just knew who I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to be an addict, I didn’t want to end up in jail, and I didn’t want to sell my body. To me, not being any of those things meant that I had survived my life, that I could truly say that I had made it out. It saddens me to write that now, looking back on my fourteen year old self with my entire life ahead of me, and my aspirations were only to make it out alive and intact.

Here I am today. As I talked about in my last post some big changes are coming around here and I will be needing some extra income (stayed tuned next week!), but I already have two full time careers with my housekeeping business and the not-for-profit.

And oh yea, I teach a strip dance class.

As I explained in the post "In Which I Take My Clothes Off For Money," I initially started teaching a strip dance class after realizing how under discussed sexuality is in the current support recovery groups. A majority of women who have been sexually assaulted tend to fall into two categories after the attack; roughly half will completely shut down sexually and the other half will become sexually promiscuous which leaves them at risk for being assaulted again. The core of these two problems is that when an attack occurs it breaks your sexual foundation. When a woman loses control of her own body to the power of someone else, her sexual identity tends to go with it. “Was I asking for it? Was I not firm enough? Did I send the wrong hints? Was I acting too slutty?” Women are often left feeling degraded, ashamed, and vulnerable after an assault. To counteract those feelings they will often either shut down completely or act out sexually in an attempt to regain control over their sex lives.

In an effort to counteract those two categories I started teaching my “Sexy Survivors” class. Women need to feel empowered about their sex lives. When a woman feels in control of her body and sexuality, she is able to regain a part of her identity that was so cruelly stolen from her. I want these women to not only be proud of what they have, but to be accepting of every part of themselves. To strip away the shame, no pun intended, and replace it with an armor of confidence.

What I wasn’t expecting was how many other women would come forward, never having been assaulted,  yet feeling just as worthless and sexually inept.

Society has set such a standard for women to live up to sexually and yet at the same time, society does nothing but tear us down. We are constantly walking that fine line of appearing attractive enough and being judged as promiscuous. This unattainable and very narrow standard has created a generation of women who have almost no self esteem in the bedroom. It makes me so sad, everyone deserves to feel proud of their bodies.

With that being said, I haven’t let any women in the class who haven’t been assaulted because stripping your clothes away, looking at yourself in the mirror after an assault, seeing your physical scars, and feeling your emotional ones, can be very traumatic. I wanted to keep the dynamic of the class in such a way that each woman knew that the women around her understood in only ways that a survivor can, what she was going through.

My Ex used to think it was so funny to burn me with his cigarette's while I couldn't get away from him. I got this one on my thigh one July while we were driving down the street. If you look closely to the right you can see there is another one at a different stage of healing that I had gotten prior to the first when I couldn't the door open in the back seat of his car. He got me in nearly the same exact spot twice.


Yet it didn’t stop the other women from calling, texting, emailing. “Hi Eden, my name is so-and-so, I heard that you are teaching a strip dance class and I wanted to know if you have any classes for women just looking to feel better about themselves. Please call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx.”

It got me thinking, I could do this. I could be that person. I could teach these women. I could help them. You all know that I’m a fairly sexually expressive person and I’m totally ok with that. This wouldn’t be a big leap for me and I could teach it at night after the kids were in bed, losing no time to work on the not-for-profit and losing no time with my kids.

Then my friends found out. “Eden, you have to be kidding me. You are a stripper?”

“No, I’m not a stripper. I’m teaching strip and I’m doing it to help empower other women, not just so some guy can get off to me.”

“Eden, you are still selling your body for money. What’s next, prostitution?”

That stopped me dead in my tracks and sucked me all the way back to my 14 year old self living under a bridge and vowing that I would make it out without becoming an addict, ending up in jail, or selling my body.

I’m selling my body.

What’s scarier, I’m not sure I care.

As I tried to explain my position to them and my feelings on the situation, the reactions that I got were “Yea and next you will be working at the local strip joint so that you can pay for college or standing on the street corner so that you can feed your kids. That’s what they all say.”

Oh. My. Gosh.

I am “them.” I am that girl. I AM THAT GIRL. Am I that girl?

This has sort of been an internal debate for me over the last few weeks. I’ve gone around and around with it in my head. I even texted Mr. Attorney Man asking if it would look poorly on me if it were to ever be brought up in court if I landed there with my ex.

The realization that I have come to is that I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me. I know my reasons for doing this and the only person that I need to be accountable to, is myself. Furthermore, who the hell am I to judge anyone else for being a stripper, a sex worker, a porn star, or whatever. Who do I really think I am that I can judge someone else?

What I am struggling with is letting go of ideal that I had for my life. I have always joked “hey, I might be poor, but at least I'm not taking the easy way out. I’m scrubbing houses, it’s not like I’m a stripper.”

Oops.

I look back at my 14 year old self sleeping under a bridge and I feel like I let her down. I feel like even though I never aspired to be much, I am breaking one of the few promises that I did make to myself, letting go of one of the only goals I had set. “I won’t sell my body.”

This has been a tough one for me to swallow, letting go of another realization that my life didn’t turn out like I had planned, like I had wanted. Yet my life has not turned out to be anything that I had planned or anything that I could have anticipated, so I’m going to roll with this. I know where my boundary lines are. I’ve said it before, I have no problem messing around with a boy. I quite enjoy it and yet even after all these years I’ve never stepped over the boundary that I set for myself, which was no sleeping around.

So with all that in mind,

Dear 14 year old Eden,

Thank you for caring enough to respect your body. I’m going to take some of the respect that you have shown towards it over the years and I’m going to bend the rule a little bit in order to share it with some other women who could really use it as well. You know yourself well enough to know that you are strong enough to not cross the boundaries on what you view as acceptable for yourself. You’ve done a great job girl and I’m proud of you.

Dear 30 year old Eden,

                Who the hell cares what anyone else thinks of you. You know who you are and why you are doing this and if anyone else disagrees, they can just go fuck themselves.

Hey guess what everyone in blogland


I’m selling my body.


48 comments:

  1. Pffffff, you are empowering women, including yourself! If I could, I would TOTALLY take your class. Seriously. It doesn't sound like you're selling your body. It sounds like you're giving so many women a chance that they need and deserve but that society doesn't seem to want to offer.

    Also, you are in super awesome shape and deserve to be proud of that! Keep doing your thang, girl :)

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    1. Lol, well thank you on all accounts ;)

      It would be fun if we had a blog get together strip class!

      Seriously though, I can't believe there aren't more of these classes

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    2. It would be SO MUCH FUN! And I agree, you would think there would be more of these classes, especially with all this second-wave feminism and stuff.. maybe we should each start our own if we're too far away from yours! I mean, I already loathe pants anyway, so I'm like halfway there :)

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    3. "I loathe pants" omgosh, too funny.

      Thats funny that's what I was just thinking about the other day, the whole feminism thing. My only thought was that maybe it goes against femenism bc the general social ideal is that the woman strips for the man. ?

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    4. But seriously, the amount of times my roommates have come home to me pants-less is about equal to the pants times.. hehe.

      I hope that's not the normal way of thinking anymore, though. It's time for women to take back that control over who they strip for and why they do it. Luckily, at least from what I've seen, it seems to be moving toward empowerment instead of entertainment. WE DON'T STRIP FOR NO MAN! (Unless it's consensual and we are in a healthy relationship where we feel that we will still be taken seriously and respected when said stripping is done) :)

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    5. That is so funny about the pants lol! I get home and the yoga pants go on. I do love me some yoga pants <3

      I love the last part even more, especially the parentheses disclaimer lol!

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    6. YOGA PANTS = PANTS OF THE GODS

      Consensual stripping, yoga pants... man, are we on top of this whole life thing or what??

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  2. What Lotus said! You are selling a path to empowerment! To self-confidence! To self OWNERSHIP of our own bodies! You are reminding them that their bodies are theirs to do with as THEY please. That NO ONE has the right to take that choice away from them and that they are strong enough to take back what was stolen from them. And pardon my French, but SCREW anyone who tries to shame you for that!!!

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    1. You rock girl. Thanks for that, I love hearing your powerful affirmations :)

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  3. You are only selling your body if you are accepting money for sexual purposes of any sort. YOU are NOT. You are teaching somebody a physical skill. Period. How is it any different to be selling your dance/strip skills than it is to teach somebody ballet or sewing or line dancing or swimming or aerobics or how to throw a football or do cartwheels?

    In each case the teacher has physical skills that s/he is sharing with their pupils. With the use of their physical body as a direct tool to demonstrate the motions to be learned. (That is obviously NOT in the least the same as undressing in front of a crowd of drooling slobs who might pay extra for a lap dance!)

    And anybody who can't figure out the difference had better find a job where the only part of their body they ever use is their fingers on a keyboard, and never have to try and convey any sort of physical activity to another person in any fashion or demonstation (no, I'm sorry, I can't actually SHOW you how to climb that ladder or use a forklift or collapse those folding tables because that would be SELLING MY BODY!) :P

    I mean, oh PLEASE! Tell that buff boot camp type coach in the park screaming at his P.E. class to drop and give him 10 and is showing them the proper form to do so by demonstrating the movement himself, that HE is "selling his body" (and then duck, o.k.?)

    People who can't tell the difference between teaching a class of women to become empowered, and jumping out of a cake at a frat house wearing only a G-string and some frosting are dangerously imbecilic. (Really, I wouldn't trust these people to drive, or vote, or even use indoor plumbing.)

    On the other hand, people who DO know the difference and yet CLAIM not to be able to, are simply trying to manipulate you and force you into their own narrow version of morality or repression. (Or, the simplest theory... they're just jealous!) :P

    At any rate, you don't really need to justify yourself to them, obviously, but since clearly you also are not doing anything that any teacher of any form of physical culture is not doing, you might just point out to them that we all USE our bodies to express and teach a wide variety of physical skills. That is not SELLING our bodies. SELLING your body is putting it up for purchase to be leered at and lusted over and/or degraded in the process (or -politely stated here- renting out any portion of your body for exposure and/or physical contact in any way that is illegal for minors to engage in.) :P

    No, you are NOT selling your body. You are sharing your physical skills. With pupils, who are not lusting after you or your body, but only hoping to acquire your skills and talents within their own lives. They want to gain your proficiency, and you are providing them with the chance to acquire a new aspect and improve themselves.

    So you look all those idiots in the eye and tell them to pound sand, that you are proud to be recompensed for your expertise in specific physical skills, and any problem with that is entirely THEIRS!

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    1. You my friend, are extremely wise. Thank you for laying that all out in such an understandable manner (and funny as too, the cake part cracked me up).

      I like your perspective and I think you gave me a great viewpoint. Thanks for taking the time to write all of that out. I am now going to print that out and anonymously mail it to all of my friends ;) Seriously though, you did give me some recourse next time its brought up again, so thank you very much!

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  4. Unfortunately, I think people are going to perceive what you are doing through a body-shaming mindset, but ultimately, it's up to you to decide how you handle your own experiences, your own trauma, your own life. That being said, I admire and applaud you for what you do. Keep going.

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    1. Very true, I could not believe how shocked and appauled my friends were. Even the ones that were trying to be supportive, I could tell they were uncomfortable. Crazy.

      Thank you ;)

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  5. Wow, I love all of the above comments and totally agree that you are empowering other victims to love and appreciate their own bodies for themselves, You rock young lady and I have to say that I am very proud of you and for how you've claimed your life (hard sometimes as it is) and have moved forward for yourself and your children. I would be proud to call you my own daughter!

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  6. I completely agree with Anon's comment. Does selling Avon or Mary Kay make someone a make-up artist? Does being a soccer coach make you a professional soccer player? Teaching ballet does not make one a ballerina (ask any ballet teacher....they only wish!). All of those will show someone how to do what they are teaching/selling. That doesn't make them professional!
    I also think you need to take a close look at your "friends" who have such issues with this...perhaps there is a level of prudism (is that even a word?) or perhaps it is even jealousy. I would also disagree with one thing Anon said....maybe some of you students ARE lusting after you! You never know!!! Hehe!!!

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    1. Haha, I do have one bisexual girl in my class who has asked me out on a few occasions. She's cute but missing some anatomy that I prefer my dates to have ;)

      Thank you for your assurance. I can't believe how my friends reacted bc they are all fairly open sexually, I was shocked.

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  7. Hey Eden! I've been reading your blog for awhile now and I just want to tell you how inspiring you have been. I was raped a little over a month ago and it's been a long road and fight, especially since I made the mistake of reporting it (who knew I would later regret that decision). Your blog has seriously helped me continue fighting and to stay strong. Your strip class sounds amazing and very empowering! I wish there was something like this where I lived, I think it would be incredibly helpful. I'm slowly taking back my sexuality and I'm lucky to be with a man who is so supportive and understanding of my limits. Just know that I think you're amazing and doing a fantastic job! Oh -- and thank you! Thank you for reminding me to keep pushing through the bullshit and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. :) :)

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    1. Aw, I'm sorry that you went through that Cat :( I'm so glad that you have a supportive man in your life that is willing to be patient with you, it really does help the healing when you have someone who cares.

      Although I would never want anyone to have gone through a traumatic event, I do love seeing new "faces" around here. It helps me to heal knowing that others are healing around me as well, so thanks for taking the time to write.

      I hope to see you around here often and I wish you nothing but love and peace on your journey. Sending you a GREAT BIG survivor hug. ((hug))

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  8. I have a question. Do you charge for your strip class? If you do choose to teach the strip class for the 'others' you could keep that class separate so you can keep the dynamic of the class for the survivors but still help other women become empowered with their own selves.....and make some $$ to pay the bills. Just sayin' ?

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    1. Up until this point I had not charged for my survivors class and I will continue to offer that class for free, but yes I will be charging for non survivors class. A girl has to make some money around here! ;)

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  9. I absolutely love the last letter you wrote to yourself. Bravo.

    There is a world of difference between standing on a street corner selling your body for money* and teaching a class to women in the privacy of your own home/studio/whatever - a class that sounds absolutely amazing and I would love to take if I lived anywhere near you. You're giving women a chance to take back what they lost and that is an amazing thing. Go you!

    I'm just going to echo pretty much everything everyone else here has said. You've got nothing to be ashamed of, you're doing an amazing thing, and screw (not literally) everyone who decides it's their place to judge you for doing this wonderful and amazing thing.

    *I'm not judging those who do stand on a street corner and sell sex for money because I'm not in any position to judge what anyone else does with their body. Just trying to make a point. ;)

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    1. Love your disclaimer lol.

      I wish all of your wonderful girls could come to my class, we would have so much fun.

      Thank you for your sweet words and for showing up here time and time again to help me along in my recovery. Your words soothe my soul and reaffirm what I sometimes struggle to grasp. Thank you hun :)

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  10. We make rules for a reason. Sometimes, further information and more complex situations require the need to alter those rules some. This is why laws get changed. This is why we don't act the same as we did when we were kids. As time goes on, we get a fuller picture, and mature.

    Your rule about not selling your body was good for you at the time. Now that you're older and more experienced, you still know nuances that were completely irrelevant to 14 year-old Eden. The underlying issue there, though, was one of protecting yourself; you're still doing a great job of that. You're making a great life for yourself and for your kids, and breaking the cycle of abuse in the process. You made it to adulthood, with flying colours. Baby Blue was in a pretty desperate place, had to see some things as pretty black and white. How nice that she's grown into someone who can be proud of her ability to see the whole rainbow.

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    1. Aw, that's neat to think about, I am enjoying seeing the rainbow :)

      I like what you said about only having the small picture when I was 14. I think that I lost so much in my life that I desperately hang on to what I can from the past, but you're right, its time to stop looking through tunnel vision.

      ((hugs))

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  11. Wow girl, you are sexy!

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    1. I feel like I should sing "Bow chica wow wow" or something.

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  12. I think this is one of those big city/small town things. I know that here in (Large East Coast City) no one would dream of conflating teaching a dance class with hooking, but I've also lived in less populated places in the middle of the country where they would. I bet if you were to say, "I'm starting a modern dance studio in my basement," they'd be all types of supportive. Many the readers you've picked up through XOJane are liberal coastal city dwellers (I'm including Chicago and Twin Cities in that... the Great Lakes have a coast.) and there's just different values. What you're doing is controversial; boosting women up, boosting yourself up is controversial. There is a market for a service you can provide and as someone with a need for money, it's a sound decision to open your classes to paying customers.

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    1. I bet you are right with the whole big city/small town thing. A lot of lifes insights and expectations are highly based on demographics. I need to move to california or something!

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    2. You'd trade tornadoes for earthquakes. Fair warning.

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  13. I'd hit that. Seriously girl, you are fine, you don't need empowerment, just shake your ass at the guy and he will do whatever the hell you want him too, I know this because I'm a guy and I'd do anything for a piece of you.

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  14. I have thought about this post for a few days now. Your body has skills that not every body has. We pay money all the time, as a society, to watch professional dancers of all types. And we pay tons of money for fancy schools to teach our kids all these different forms of dance. I believe that we do this to help build self esteem and a sense of "specialness" (I know thats not really a word) in our kids. I have choosen to send my daughter to karate so she will learn that beautiful and bad ass can easily fit in the same package. So why cant we do the same thing for ourselves as grown women? I dont see what your doing as selling your body. You are selling a self empowering skill that not every one was born with or that got temporarily taken away and needed to be re-learned. I hope that makes sense.

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    1. That makes a lot of sense, thank you for sharing that with me. :)

      I'm glad that you decided to comment :)

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  15. Hi Eden! Can you please write a post about how you started your cleaning business?

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    1. Hi!! Check out the comment reply to the comment under this one. Thanks! ;)

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  16. Hi - you wrote about your despair after your husband left and how you had no money or job and didn't know what to do. What exactly did you do next? How did you begin a cleaning service, get customers, settle finances, start your not-for profit? A huge leap!

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    1. Hi! I don't know if you are new here, its hard to tell with the anonymous names, but if you are, welcome to the blog! I'm in the middle of writing a book which will chronicle my life starting roughly a year before my ex left, his leaving, and the year following that. I hope to have it out within the next six months, but life keeps railroading me. I'd love to share all that info on here, but then I'd have no book!!

      Sorry I can't be more obliging :( I hope you stick around though!

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  17. So what if you're selling your body? As George Carlin once said: "Selling is legal. Sex is legal. Why isn't selling sex legal?!?"

    I grew up in Nevada and knew prostitutes who worked out at the ranches. They were no more damaged, for the most part, than most people and generally nice, kind, generous people.

    Not that that's what you are doing with your class, but even if you were it would still be okay.

    And as a bit of humor, let me point out that women are not the only ones who sell their bodies. Check out this company: http://www.meninkilts.com/

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    1. I agree, I don't see anything wrong with being a sex worker. Its his or her body, consenting as adults, why not? It would probably be a lot safer for both parties involved if it were legal.

      It was just shocking to me to be lumped into that catagory, by my friends no less. :/

      I'm going to check out that site now, thanks!

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    2. I think Men In Kilts is a brilliant marketing idea. If I had any real money, I'd buy a franchise...

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    3. Its so funny! I wonder how on earth they came up with that idea. Like "you know what would make us more money? If we were wearing kilts."

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    4. Men in Kilts on ladders. What could be better?

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    5. You bring up an interesting point....

      I can't say that I've ever looked at a man and been like "you know what would be better? If he was wearing a skirt that I could look up." But, I'm always up to try something new lol. I'll offer to hold the ladder steady. ;)

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  18. Lady Friend, I would take your class anytime...if I could :) !

    Nathalie
    xoxoxox

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