Another Look Inside My Phone

I was clearing out the texts and emails on my phone the other day and I realized that it had been a while since I had given you a peek in here, so eh, why not? 

For some reason none of my computer editing software allows me to crop screen shots so please excuse the haphazard sloppy pics, it was the best I could do unless I cropped them all on my phone and quite frankly, I don't have that much time, especially when I've been busy dealing with things like this:

Speaking of problems, let's talk about autocorrect problems. #itsarealthing

I'm the ugly peach color speech bubbles!

Sometimes though, I can't even blame autocorrect for the stupid shit I say. For example, I try and message each of my nonprofit board members every couple of weeks just to tell them that I hope they have a great day. Well this particular board member texted back saying thank you and that I was "incredible." Here is my total failure in replying back.

At least I'm not the only one who has to back track on what I say, check out what my Bestie sent me when we were trying to decide what to do on a "mental health break night" from our kids. She is attempting to be sweet and let me choose the activity since I get out less than she does, but what she actually says is...

Haha! And that is why she is my Bestie!!

And even if she had meant the first message, it wouldn't have surprised me, it's not like any of my friend's are very appropriate anyway!

Aside from having strange friends (and being one), I'm actually surprised that I have any friends at all because this is what my Platonic Hubby has to deal with:

Although, it's a pretty even playing field between us. Here is my Platonic Hubby asking me what size white t-shirt she should get me me for a race we were running the next morning.

(Yes, I used "metal" instead of "medal,"  I was using voice text which always makes me look a little stupid.)

So basically, I think we are lucky that we put up with each other. 

Is it just me or do you all have specific friends that you talk to at certain times of the day? Like this chick, she is my evening buddy. Both of us regularly work late and come 9pm it's almost inevitable that the conversation about how much we hate working is about to ensue.

Please tell me that you all picked up on that movie reference. My mother would totally poison me if she had the chance, I wouldn't be surprised if Cinderella and I were related.

Speaking of my mother, she comes up quite regularly in conversation. Here is the Platonic Husband and I talking about the wind (and a stroller, and my upcoming birthday!)

You can see how the drag show worked out by clicking right here!

At least I know why she is my friend. Sometimes I look back through my text messages and wonder why I even have a few of the friends that I have, namely this dude:

Geesh, some dudes just don't get it do they? I bet he is friends with the guy I'm talking about below on Facebook. Don't forget that Facebook places the newest status on the top. As you can see by my first post I was enjoying my alone time until this guy came along:

Speaking of men, let's abruptly change topics to one who is not creepy and disrespectful, but who I am having an issue with at the moment.

I think Mr. Attorney Man is trying to steal my life.

No I'm really not kidding, it's like eerie weird. I've mentioned before how alike we are and so has he, but lately this has gone to a whole new level. I mean it's one thing to steal my phrases, drive my car, and wear my shoes, but now, now the man is decorating his house to look like mine.

GET YOUR OWN LIFE DUDE.

Sure, he tries to blame me, but I know what he is up to, so for now I'm playing along. It's like when you find out someone did something that they don't want you to know about and there's that phase where you know what they did, but they don't know you know, and while you know and they don't know you know, you are going to see where it goes...

We are there.

Here is the conversation when we found out that the two largest pieces of artwork we each have in our homes, are the exact same, and I choose to play along with his delusions to see what other information I might be able to extract. To preface this, I had sent him a picture of my living room (that oddly enough was totally relevant to the legal conversation we were having).

Yep, now he is copying my house decor. Do you see how far this situation has gotten???

***Disclaimer for the one person out there (and I've gotten enough emails to know that there is at least one of you out there) who doesn't realize that I am joking, I am joking. The texts are real and I can't deny that Mr. Attorney Man and I just so happen to both have freakishly good taste, but it is merely by coincidence. ...Or so he would like me to believe... (That was still a joke)

Hey, remember The Detective Whose Name I Don't Like, the guy I broke up with? Remember how I couldn't decide if I wanted to meet him for lunch?

Well, I did a little more than that.

A lot more than that.

Here is an email which stemmed from a conversation that we had over dinner one night. As we were eating he was telling me that he had gotten a call earlier in the day to head to a crime scene and he was super excited because as a detective, he always gets called in after the excitement ends and is left to simply handle all the follow up. Well on that particular day he was called out to an active scene and in his words "I threw on my uniform, put on my vest, grabbed all my gadgets, and I was ready to go! I was hopping in my car when my boss said 'Oh, uh, hey, yeah, instead we are going to need you down at the station.' Eden, I was so close to getting to use my flashlight."

Haha! Poor guy.

So here he is emailing me, all excited that he was doing "real police work!" (Oh and P.S., remember when his nose got broken when a girl punched him?)

(It took me a very long time to understand that to him, "dead guy" is just his way of processing his job. While I was offended at first, I came to understand that for the sake of his sanity he has to emotionally detach a bit, so please don't be offended by our jokes, it really is what he needs from me sometimes, and meant in no disrespect to the deceased.)

I'll hand it to him, I love his humor. Despite me telling him 10+ times to go to the hospital after he got punched in the face, he wouldn't go and now his nose is crooked. He knew I wasn't going to let him live it down, so he has totally embraced it by his pointing out "I am the one in the picture with the crooked nose."

Don't you just love relationships where you can make fun of each other and know that it comes from a loving place?

Here is the detective again, sending me an Easter "gift." The dude would not text. EVER. He had like a personal rule about it and he knows that it drives me INSANE. Also, I will note, the man raises chickens. Yep... he does.

It took me a long time to find a man with my same twisted sense of humor. Here he is emailing me while on a business trip in an affluent part of the city. He has a thing for girls dressed professionally and he had emailed me saying that he was having a great time "checking out the locals." (Note that some of these emails are me, after me, after me again.)

And, since I know you are all going to ask, yes the Detective Man likes my kids. Here he is talking about how we are going to break my kids into the classic movies.

And that whole "I'm not texting" thing? Emailing back and forth all the time? THAT WAS NOT GOING TO WORK FOR ME.

So, one day while I was getting ready to walk out the door and head to work, I remembered his thing for professional women and I figured that maybe he would change his mind about texting if I pointed out the obvious benefits.

I sent him a couple pictures. 

Now granted it was far from a porno pin-up, but he called me and told me it was "cute."

CUTE.

Wtf.

I was a little miffed at being perceived as attractive as a kitten, but whatever.

Although... the whole plan may have worked because later that night after I had gone to bed, he TEXTED me about it and gave me the reaction I was hoping to get the first time. (I didn't see the text until I woke up the next day).

He then sent me a super creepy picture of his face pasted onto a baby's body.

And THAT my friends, is how you use the word "cute."

Either way though, he kept texting, which has been working out wonderfully, except for the fact that he seems to think that every text I send must have a sexual undertone to it, which I'm sometimes happy to oblige.

But anyway, enough about him. I'm breaking up with him anyway. 

You'll just have to read about that in another post!