Hell If I Know!

Last week Mr. Attorney Man asked me if I wanted to meet up with him so that we could chat about everything from the nonprofit to my writing career, and my court case to my financial situation. The idea was to basically knock out all the topics in one sitting rather than drag everything out over a series of hard-to-schedule phone calls.

I declined.

Truthfully, I wasn't sure really what I would say in this meeting, and inevitably I felt like it would be a waste of his time.

He's a busy man, and if there is anything I do know, it's that you don't waste the time of a busy man. But aside from knowing that, I'm really not sure what I do know these days.

For example, three companies that I write for, including Yahoo Parenting, shut down last month, and took with them almost the entirety of my paycheck.

I also found out that I'm losing the childcare subsidy that I have for my son, and because of that and the fact that I can't afford the cost of childcare on the salary that I make, within the next few months I will need to transition into become a working mother without childcare.

How does that even work?

I don't know.

Seriously, hell if I know. 

If you knew my kids, you would know that I can't even catch my breath between the relentless stream of questions they ask me and the unbelievable amount of assistance that they require of me. And that is totally fine since they are kids and that is kind of their job, but... somehow, I'm now supposed to work a paying job and concurrently attend to my very talkative children.

WHICH SOUNDS LIKE TONS OF FUN.

And sure, some people do it and I really, really, admire those people, but I'm just not sure that I'm one of them.

I don't know how to be a full time mother and a full time employee at literally the exact same time. I'm not afraid to say #SorryNotSorry, I'm just not that good.

Nope, not that good.

At least the nonprofit is doing great! But if I don't have any childcare (for the job that I don't currently have), then how do I spend my time working on the nonprofit and with it's clients, if the limited amount of time that I can get my child(ren) to self occupy, needs to be spent finding a new job or hopefully working at said new job?

Hum.

Conundrum.

Which is also the word that I am applying to my finances right now, because I have absolutely no idea how to manage a budget without an income.

So, I didn't meet with Mr. Attorney Man, because I don't have any of the answers to the questions he may ask, and I have a million questions that if I'm being honest here, scare me too much to think about.

So that's basically where my head is at today.

And by that, I mean my head exploded.

But, this wouldn't be the first time that I've been tooling along down the road only to come across an impassable bridge, been forced to sit down on a bench, and take a good look at the map to find an alternate route, so I'm sure it will be fine, but wow.

Seriously?

Boo hiss.

I mean how many plans can I make, succeed at, and then watch come crashing down through no fault of my own?

Yet, I can't help but laugh (even though I kind of feel like I should cry), because the black cloud that keeps catching up to me has gotten so ridiculous that at this point it's just funny.

I mean really, this is getting a bit old.

But I'm here, I'm alive, my kids are healthy (YAY!), and we will be OK.

I'm not going to get myself all worked up that this is the end, because I'm choosing to be excited about the fact that this is just simply the beginning of something new.

I like new. Even if it is getting to be a bit redundant, new is shiny, adventurous, and fresh.

New is opportunity.

So today, I'm still not ready to sit down and have a chat with Mr. Attorney Man because I don't have a plan yet to offer him, but what I do have, and what I'm working on today, is opportunity.

And I like opportunity.

The moment that you realize you can't see the straight path ahead of you, is the moment that you get to step off the trail and discover something new.

In life, doors will open, and then they may close. You may even find yourself standing in a room with a very tiny window and your only plan is to finagle your way through it and see what's on the other side.

I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to go about this, but I am, because I can't stay in this room where there is nothing left for me.

When life closes a door, take the window, even if it's smaller and tighter and doesn't seem like much of an upgrade to the door you used to have, you just never know what might be on the other side of the window.

Sometimes you need to leave the room, climb out of the window, and step into the world.

I heard a saying once that said "I didn't come this far, to only come this far" and that is SO true.

I didn't come this far, to get stuck sitting on the wrong side of a window.

So whatever your path may be, and no matter how many times you need to start over, never forget to live the life you want to lead, and not just the one you settled for.

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Photo Credits: 

Pedestrian signs

Fork in the path

End of road

Deer on path

Dead end sign