By The Time You Read This...

Yesterday, my friend and I went out to celebrate my last day of freedom, before I have a baby to tend to again, because by the time many of you read this tomorrow (Friday), I will already be in the hospital, preparing to have The Littlest.

Yay!!

I really cannot believe that baby boy held out this long, but the day is here! I have so many feelings coming at me right now, and thanks to hormones, they all feel very overwhelming.

I’m excited.

I’m nervous.

I’m scared.

Because of my genetic disorder, I’m a high-risk delivery, with a known hemorrhage risk (remember that terrifying rhino-septoplasty I had?) and that's been weighing on my mind a lot, so please pray for me. My biggest fear is not one of dying, but one of leaving my children motherless.

But anyway, I’m getting morbid here and this is supposed to be a happy post!

THE BABY IS COMING!!!
Also, if you remember from several other posts that I don’t feel like looking up right now, I have written a letter to each of my children, since before they were born, and have continued to write to them throughout the course of their lives. So I was thinking, that instead of trying to sit here and rehash how I’m feeling about this baby coming, I’d share with you my very first letter to him, written tonight, on the eve of his birth.

************* 

Tomorrow, I will have you in my arms. And it’s funny, because as much as I know you, as much as I’ve felt you, prayed for you, and loved you, you don’t even know you yet.

You have no idea who you are, or what you mean to all of us. You have no idea that there is an entire world waiting for you outside of where you’ve lived directly under my heart. You have no idea that while God was preparing you for this earth, so many people have been preparing to welcome you into it.

We can’t wait to meet you.

Truth be told, I never expected you to be here.

My life hasn’t always been easy, and years ago, I closed off my heart to the world; desperate to protect not only mine, but your sister, and your brother’s as well. Life hurt, and so I took them — one in each hand — and I set off to find something better.

I was surprised when I met your dad, because he wasn’t someone that I was expecting. Life with him, wasn’t what I was expecting.

Yet there it was. Amazing.

And my heart opened, and I fell in love with him as I watched your brother and sister fall in love with him, and suddenly the whole world seemed bigger.

Big enough for you.

Tomorrow you will be here.

You have no idea what lays ahead of you, and truth be told, neither do I. I don’t know who you will be, or what you will be like, but what I do know, is that I love you, and that will never change.

Yet I’m going to mess up sometimes. I’m not perfect, and I don’t have all the answers, and as little as you know about growing up, I know even less about growing you up, but I am going to do the very best to give you the happiest life possible, even if that means sometimes, together, we have to try again tomorrow.

And tomorrow, this all starts for you.

Tomorrow, you start to become who you are destined to be.

Don’t get caught up in the passings of this world, because they shall all come and go. Be kind, be honest, be humble, and be grateful. Be a friend to those around you, for as much as I love you, you are no better than anyone else. Embrace people, for all that they are, and all that they want to be. Choose to be happy even when it’s difficult, because the moment you forget that, is the moment that you stop seeing the beauty in life.

There is always beauty.

Watch what you say, because words make people, and they break people. Your word is often all that you are, and without it, you are nothing.

Praise God, love your siblings, and respect your parents (even when you hate us), because we loved you first, and we love you most (even when you don’t want to believe it).

Money does not equal success, focus instead on being the person that the world needs; for that, will be your legacy.

I’ve met a lot of wealthy people in my life, and it’s meant nothing to me.

Be the person who means something to people.

Mean something to yourself, because you are amazing, and I know this, because I’ve felt your heart beating from the inside.

You were grown in love.

Tomorrow I will get to see the man that has chosen to become a father to your brother and sister, hold his newborn child for the very first time. And I know he’s going to cry, and I’ll cry too, because we’ve waited a long time to see you.

I never even knew that you were missing, until I knew that you were coming.

Tomorrow your dad and I, our lives will change, because yours will start.

Hang on little man, it’s going to be a bumpy, crazy, amazing ride.

It’s going to be beautiful.

Tomorrow, you will stop living only by the beating of my heart, and learn to live by the beating of your own.

From my heart, to my arms, you are mine.

I love you.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

*****************

Well you guys, this is it. My induction has likely started by now, and The Littlest should be on his way.