Censorship

I had a funny story that I was planning to post today, seeing as how this place has been a bit more serious lately than it has been in past times, but unfortunately an issue of greater importance has arisen.

For those of you who read the comments, you know that the trolls have been hitting this blog really hard for the last few weeks. Comments, emails, and threads outside of this blog, most spawned by the same one or two people, have cast an ever present dark shadow over the safe place that this was supposed to be.

“You are such a whore, you deserve to be raped the way you tease men. I hope someone does it again since you sure didn’t learn your lesson the first time around.”

“If anything you are saying really is true, then why even bother going on? Why don’t you just shut your mouth and stop whining about it online; do the world a favor and just disappear.”

“Eden is maladjusted and creates the drama that is in her life. She needs to grow up and just get over the fact that she didn’t have the childhood she wanted. What 30 year old still thinks about their childhood anyways?”

“I can’t believe anyone would continue to read the awful writing that is Eden Strong. All of her pathetic little readers cheering on her pathetic little life are just as pathetic as she is.”

“Someone needs to figure out who this lady is and have her children removed from her home. Clearly she is unstable, no wonder her husband ran for his life. Whatever judge awarded her custody should be fired immediately. Those poor kids are ruined for life.”

“No way is this lady for real. There is absolutely no way anyone could have lived a life like that. I’ve never seen such bad writing in my life. She reads like a high school wannabe writer, pretending that she lives this fantasy life, and you are all falling for it like the idiots that you are.”

“The only reason anyone reads your blog is because you are pretty. No one cares what you have to say and no one gives a shit about you. The only reason you even have a blog is because you have the body to make up for your thoughtless brain.”

"I can't believe you are all reading the rants of a narcissistic psychopath. Clearly this girl needs help."

Those are just a few of the phrases that have either been posted on my blog, a site thread created about me, or emailed to me over the last week alone.

Maybe the trolls are right and you guys have been coming here day after day just to waste your time reading the bullshit that I write; or maybe I’m not even a real person at all and you are being brainwashed by the mythical life that I have born from a severe mental illness.

Maybe I should just pull this blog down.

I thought about it.

Who in their right mind would want to read stuff written like that about them on a daily basis? Why would I want to continue to subject myself to the same hateful attitudes that I have grown up surrounded by?

I almost did pull it down and then I reflected on the other emails that I get in my inbox. Do you guys have any idea how many people read this blog? If you could see how many emails I get on a daily basis you would be floored.

“I’ve really been thinking lately about ending my life, but your blog showed me that I can go on, that there can be happiness after the pain. Not only just you, but I see people commenting all the time that they have come through it and are moving on with their lives. It’s good to know that I’m not alone.”

“Thank you for letting me know that I am worth something. Thank you for being the only person that is telling me that I am beautiful and special just because I am who I am. No one has told me that in a really long time and I really needed to hear that.”

“I finally told my mom that I had been raped. You and your readers helped me see that the guilt was not mine to own. I think after years of depression I can finally start healing.”

“I didn’t know that there were other people who had disowned their parents. I was looking all over online to find someone who understood what I was going through and through your blog I found a whole group of people. I don’t comment because even as anonymous it still feels scary to me, but I feel like I know you and all your readers personally. Thank you for putting this together for the people like me who were never wanted. Here I feel special.”

“My husband also left me after abusing me for years and I’ve never been so ashamed in my life. Thank you for showing me that his problems are not a reflection of the person that I am.”

For every negative email that I get, I get close to a hundred more that remind me of why I am doing this.

This blog has been up since October but really only out in the public since the end of December. In a little less than seven months I have responded to over 7,000 comments and have received emails numbering in the 15,000 range. No, I am absolutely not exaggerating. Between my facebook page, the blog, and Google+, it has had views numbering in the millions.

Millions.

All because I decided I was tired of not saying what I’ve wanted to be screaming for my entire life.

Through my traffic reader I can see the Google searches that are leading people to my page; the top two search results being "boyfriend application" and "his wife found out about us," both landing them here from the two silly posts “Boyfriend Application” and “His Wife Found Out We Were Dating.”

The other top contenders?

Was I raped?

Was it my fault that I got raped?

Is it still rape if we are married?

Did I rape her?

Am I abusing her?

How do I tell anyone that I was raped?

I don’t think I can go on.

Am I raping her if we are married?

My parents are abusing me.

Was I abused as a child?

I’m an adult and my parents are still abusing me.

Those are all regular searches that are leading people to this blog.

That makes me so incredibly sad to see how many broken people there are. I am glad though that they have found their way here, to a place where so many broken people come to pick up our pieces and start putting ourselves back together.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because I’ve noticed a new trend in the emails that I have gotten lately; women emailing me telling me that they are being abused, that they want to tell someone, but that because of the comments they are reading on this blog, that they are afraid of not being believed as well. Women that are afraid of what people will think of them due to the very issues that I am trying so hard to break the stigma on. Emails that read “you are one of the most confident people and yet you are still being bullied for things that happened to you, so what chance do I stand?”

This is completely and utterly unacceptable.

Originally I was not moderating the comments on this blog because I do not believe in censoring out the doubters. I didn’t believe in making this a Utopian blog where everyone loves me and nobody is allowed an opinion otherwise.

With that being said, I also don’t believe in bullying and that is where we seem to have arrived at. It isn't differing opinions that I am up against. It isn't a respectfully raised question. It is an all out assault on every part of who I am.

What is wrong with you trolls, seriously? I simply do not understand the mindset of someone who would so heavily involve themselves in hating on someone else. How pathetic does your life have to be that you feel the need to feel superior to someone that you don’t even know? How hateful and black is your heart that you cannot even allow for the tiniest of possibilities that I am a real person, living through the things that I am, and that I really am trying to heal? Has your heart been so fossilized that you simply cannot accept that I might actually exist? Would you even care if it turned out that you were the one who was wrong? What causes a person to get a thrill out of banding together with other hateful people, cheering each other on as you kick a person that is down? Who gave you the right to pass judgment on someone? 

Are you that perfect in real life?

I feel really sorry for you on many levels, for many different reasons.

From now on I will be deleting the negative comments. There are too many people that have come here to heal and they are being chased away by the same types of bullies that they deal with in their life outside of the Internet.

My intention was to not silence the doubters, but what happened was the doubters are silencing the broken. Healing is being halted and the voices that want to scream from the darkness are barely able to whisper from their corners, afraid of who might overhear them calling for help.

People that are finding this blog out of a need to be heard are being reminded of why they have kept their mouths shut in the first place.

I cannot in good conscious allow this to continue.

I took it upon myself to do a little research into the psychology behind trolling and what I found was not surprising at all. There have been several large studies done on the behavior traits and psychology of trolls. Did you know that when scientists studied people who enjoyed trolling, they found that a troll’s mental psychology is most similar to those of psychopaths and sadists?

Yep, that’s true.

Sadism and psychopathy are mental disorders in which a person lacks empathy for other people. The actions of sadists and psychopaths carry an intention to cause destruction, mayhem, and pain for someone else with no other desired outcome than to enjoy the reactions of the people they are intending to hurt.

Basically the people that I’m letting scream and shout in the comments section are the last people anyone in the world should be listening too.

Fun times.

So with that being said, I’m going to start censoring the comments section a little more heavily.

This place, as I have said before, is a place of healing. It is a place where people from all over the world can come to say the things that have silenced them for so many years; the things that if left unheard will smother out the people that they were meant to be.

These people, myself included, have every right to heal from the abuses that others have reigned down upon them and I refuse to allow the abusive behavior to continue on my blog.

Sorry trolls sadists and psychopaths, you are going to have to find somewhere else to scream because I’ve had just about enough of you. You don't like me? Fine. Trust me, you can't hurt me any more than everyone else in my life already has, but what you are doing is hurting other people who are struggling to heal and you don't even care.

Also, as you so much love to tell me, please, seek some help. It really is sad to watch you behaving like this.

To all of you who are just looking for a place to cry, a place to laugh, and a place to heal, welcome. I don't think any of you have any idea how many of you there are here, but we are all here together.

Let's continue to make this a place of support; a place where the souls who have been silenced the most can finally be heard. A place where everyone can be accepted for who they are and celebrated for their uniqueness. A place where you guys can come week after week just to laugh at the crazy situations that I seem to get myself into.

This place is the beginning of a journey for a lot of hurting people that stumble upon it on a daily basis. I will not allow it to be the stopping point in their healing journey as well.

Please remember that your comments are spreading farther than you can even imagine.

Please take a minute and leave a comment to the one's still reading from their dark corners of hurt. Tell them something that you wish someone had told you.

To all my readers new and old, I've said it since day one and I'll say it again. Despite your past, despite what anyone may have told you, 

You are amazing. You are precious. You are smart. You are beautiful. Don't let anyone tell you differently and don't ever forget it because you are loved.

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