Thursday, February 6, 2014

On My Way To Homelessness

Today is not a day that I feel ok.

I'm sorry I didn't respond back to you guys yesterday, you all know that I'm usually pretty on top of my responses, but today, and yesterday, I'm just not feeling ok.

In reference to my last post "Yesterday I Flipped The F**k Out," well at least I'm not angry anymore. I just haven't been able to shake the funk that it put me in. I have a big-ish meeting on Friday for my not-for-profit, and I don't even really know what to say when I get there now based on some things that the social worker told me. I really felt like that was the one thing that was going right for me, and now its come to a slamming halt. I'm not really sure how I'm going to salvage it.

On top of it, you know that guy that "cared so much," and wanted to talk to me when I was upset? I finally did return his call and tell him what was going on. Told him about the rape, the social worker, and how I didn't know what to do. His response? "You are not alone in this."

The next day I didn't really hear from him. I knew something was up, but I'm not one to chase a boy so I let it go. Then last night, I got the call. "This isn't about you, its about me, I just think that with your issues and my life, it might be a little too much stress for both of us." Funny, it wasn't too much stress when he had issues and texted me all upset and angry about his ex wives (yes, two), but my issues? That's too much. This is why I don't let myself get attached to people, why I don't open up. I just keep getting burned. He actually asked if he could call me in a couple months when "things settle down." Like not in a patronizing, "Oh, I'll call you," kind of way where he never intends to call. Like a legitimate "can I please call you in two months" kind of way. Oh sure. When my problems go away and you can just get the good parts of me, then sure, come on back! Hell. Fucking. No. You go from kind of creeping me out bc you are playing my voice mails for your mother and telling your entire family about how awesome I am, to hearing one currently unsettling issue and bailing overnight.

I asked him to please not call me again, which to him apparently meant "Let me just repeatedly call you to explain my position." I finally told him "Look, I'm not angry at you. Do whatever it is that you need. Do what makes you happy. I respect that you need what is best for you in your life. I do care about how you feel and that's why I'm telling you to go be happy, but you need to respect that what I need is for you to leave me alone. Let me take care of me right now."

I hung up, and he called back. THREE TIMES. Unreal. Listen dude, you kinda just dented my heart a little bit and I'll be fine because we weren't serious or anything, we hadn't even labeled us, but if you keep calling me so that I'll finally tell you that its ok and that you are still a great human being, that isn't going to happen. You broke it off with me and now you won't leave me alone. This break up is going backwards. Now I'm confused as to who is breaking up with who. You kinda suck. Go away.


So let's recap. There was the freak out Monday, break up Wednesday, and wait, oh wait, what happened Tuesday!? Oh yes, guess what, on Tuesday I found out I'm losing my house!

My house people. My house. Ugh. That one hurts. IT HURTS A LOT.

You see, when I was married, the only decision I EVER got to make was what house we bought. I didn't get to pick anything in my life. I didn't get to pick what clothes I wore, I didn't get to choose getting pregnant, I didn't get to choose when we had "sex," I didn't get to choose one damn thing. But the house, for some reason that choice was mine. He basically just told me what the budget was and to go buy a house. This from a man that used to make me thank him every time I ate, because I was eating with "his" money. A man that made me thank him when I got dressed in the morning because I was wearing clothes that he paid for. But with this same man, there was no budget when it came to doing whatever I wanted to do inside the house.

I knew what was happening. He would rape me and then tell me to go buy something for the house. He used the house to make himself feel better. "I did something wrong, but I gave her something to make her happy, so its ok." Being as stuck as I was and knowing that even if I didn't play the game the rape would still happen, I took the crumbs that I was tossed.

I look around my home and I don't see horror anymore. I see proof of what I lived through, I see victories. I see tangible choices that I got to make after surviving a horror.


Even now I don't get to make a whole lot of choices in my life. The choices that I make are based on the survival of my family and the best interest of my children. I don't get to make choices that are based on things that I just want, tangible or not. I never get to make a choice just because it makes me happy or comfortable. I am never afforded the luxury to just choose what I want.

But I wanted to live here.

So I fought for it. The only time I think I have ever heard my ex's voice soften towards me was when he called me after he left my attorney's office, where he had signed the house over to me. In a blunt and angry tone he told me "I just wanted to let you know that I signed the papers, so get my name off the loan. I don't want anything to do with you guys so take the house and run. I gave it to you and you had better be happy. (enter softer voice) I'm not making you sell it, because I know how much you love it." I was sitting in the preschool parking lot and for the first time in 8 years I caught a glimpse of the man that I thought I was marrying.

I spent no less than eight solid hours a week for well over a year trying to get the loan modified so that I could afford it. Hours upon hours of dealing with banks and financial advisers. Crying every time I was almost approved for the loan modification and then they would sell my loan to another bank and I'd have to start over. Representing myself when I couldn't afford an attorney and my house fell into the courts foreclosure process. Eventually I called EVERY number that I could find online in relation to my loan company until I got a hold of a share holder, who apparently had some weight in the company, and three days later my modification was approved and my house was pulled out of foreclosure. It took me 18 months and I had finally won. I walked in the house, picked my daughter up, spun her around, and cheered my lungs out. For the first time since my ex had left, I saw hope. For the first time in 18 months, I looked around, and I felt like I was finally home.

I love where I live, I call it "the edge of nowhere." If you walk out of my house and go to the right you are less than five minutes from restraunts, shopping, bars, the gym, all kinds of entertainment, and my kids daycare. But if you walk out of my house and go to the left, there are fields for miles and miles. I love to sit outside at night and watch the fireflies twinkle over the fields while the deer graze and the hawks fly overhead. Some poor guy died over the summer when he hit a bull standing in the road next to my house, and from my balconey I can see a yak farm (seriously, who knew this was a native yak area!?) Its a great neighborhood with three playgrounds, the school is a two minute walk, there are biking and running trails, several ponds, and two picnic areas. Being as poor as I am, we take full advantage of the free movie's in the park, family game nights, local indoor water park, free music and art classes for the kids at the library down the street, and the local festivals that are held in the downtown area just minutes from my house. Over the summer we even had adult game night in the neighborhood park. Yep, all of us grown ups got together and played the childhood playground games Red Rover, Flashlight Tag, Capture The Flag, and more. It was so much fun!!  I'm five minutes from everything that I need and besides the two nutcase neighbors, the rest of the neighbors are my family. They look out for me, they take care of me, and they make me feel loved.

Growing up in such an unsettled life, this is the first place that has ever truly felt like home. It is the only place that I have ever felt like I could express who I was. I feel like there are so many things that I can't give to my kids, but living here, it provides a sense of normalcy that I desperately crave for them.

In my kitchen

I know I've mentioned on here before that both of my kids have special needs, but I've never gone into details.

My girl child has some physical set backs. She is doing great now and I have no reason to believe that she will have any major issues in the future, but the physical issues that we are currently dealing with, they cost money. If her dad would just put her on his health insurance like he is legally obligated to do, I would be good as gold, but he doesn't, and so I end up paying for everything myself. Her IQ has tested off the charts, she is funny as hell, and I am so blessed that she is mine. I always say that I am going to need a law degree just to debate with her in high school, because even at five years old, she holds her own in any "debate" that we have. (Household rule, debate, they are all the same to her...)


My two year old boy child, I'm not sure what was wrong with him. At some point, he just stopped progressing in his skills and in a lot of ways, the skills he had, they just disappeared. I took him all over for a diagnosis, fearing maybe he was autistic, but the closest to a diagnosis that I ever got was from the geneticist who said "its like he is recovering from a traumatic brain injury." Gut feeling? Daddy shook him.

But my gosh has that kid changed in the last year. One year ago at the age of 18 months he was evaluated by a team of doctors and therapists. He scored out at a 3 month age range for his skill set, which put him at an obvious significant delay. My heart broke. IT BROKE. They told me to not expect too much. I was told "a delay this severe will have catastrophic effects on his life." My husband had left, my world had crumbled, and now you are telling me that I have lost my son.

When I was pregnant my ex and I went together to find out the baby's gender via ultrasound. When the ultrasound tech told us he was a boy, my ex literally jumped out of his chair, screamed "I told you I didn't want a son," and stormed out of the room. I remember looking at the ultrasound screen at my beautiful precious son and knowing that before he was even born, he was faced with being unwanted. He was living my life, a baby not wanted because they were the wrong gender, and he wasn't even born yet. I would whisper every night to my belly, "I want you. I want everything about you and I will want you enough for the whole world."



When he was born, the very first thing that I said to him was "I want you. I love you, you are amazing, you are precious, you are smart, you are handsome. Don't let anyone tell you differently and don't ever forget it because you are loved. I am so glad you are here, you have no idea how much I wanted you."

When he was 18 months old and the doctors told me they didn't even know if he was in there, I broke. Then I picked up the pieces and I decided screw that. I wanted him. I still want him and I was going to find the little boy that I knew is in there. After grieving the news all day, I walked into his room at 11:30 at night, picked him up out of his crib, held him on my lap, and told him "I want you. I know that you are in there and I'm going to find you. I wanted you before you were born and I want you now. I want you too much to never get a chance to know you. Mommy is going to find you."

We embarked on an intensive therapy program. Developmental therapy, physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, behavioral therapy, sensory therapy, and aquatic therapy. All of those, twice a week each. I researched the hell out of everything I could find. Our diets changed drastically, no gluten, no dairy, no artificial dyes, all organic. Holistic healing, brushing therapy, chiropractic treatment, you name it, I tried it. I was determined. I wanted my son back. I was going to find him, come hell or high water I was going to pull him out of where ever he was and I was going to bring him back.

Today my little boy, he is amazing. He will turn three over the summer and he will be starting preschool in the fall, with his peers, in a regular classroom. At his last developmental evaluation, the doctor looked at me and said "I don't even know what to say. I can't say for sure what was wrong, or what happened, but off the record, you saved him." I got him back you guys. I got him back. His last evaluation put him ABOVE his age range in terms of his skill set. It took me an intense year, but I got my son back. According to all of the doctors he is normally functioning with a very bright future ahead of him. Not many mom's are given the chance to give life to their child twice. I am so blessed.

Yet it cost me my home.

I took so much time away from working that I just kept falling farther behind, and I couldn't build up a savings account. I was still just barely making it, but now I'm not. This last month both kids were sick for two weeks and then I had the surgery. I can't make my mortgage payment this month and because I am still on a trial period for the modification, I don't have any time to bargain with.

What's worse than that? I can't afford an apartment. My mortgage payment, thanks to my loan modification, is $512 a month. That is UNHEARD OF around here. Most start at around $2500. Apartments around here start at about $1,000 for a one bedroom.

I have no debt, my credit score is in the 800's, I've done everything right, and I am still going to end up homeless.

Even if I managed to scrape something together for this month, I can't keep up with it, we are barely making the monthly necessities. My boy child's clothes are way too small, I'm always hungry, I "borrow" my neighbors Internet, my car is 2,500 miles overdue for an oil change, and I can't keep doing it anymore.

I just simply can't keep up with it.

I feel like the entire ocean has washed over me this week and I am completely drowning.

I know that I'll swim out of it, I know that the surface isn't far away. I just need to clear my head and figure out my next step. I'm optimistic and I'm keeping my smile. This isn't the worst thing that has happened to me and unfortunately it probably won't be the last, so I'm going to start swimming. If there is a life boat out there, I intend to find it. I am going to remind myself of every other time that it felt like my life had burned down and how everything that grew out of the ashes was more beautiful than what had been there to begin with.

In my entryway


Keep smiling people, I am. 




( I know all of you have offered to help, but as far as I can tell, unless I set up a "doing business as" company and open a bank account under that name, which costs money that I don't have, I can't take donations that aren't made out to my full legal name.)

(Editing to add, thank you to all the readers in the comments section for showing me how to set up an anonymous paypal donation button. All of you who have been nicely pressuring me to do that, I caved. I am so totally mortified that it has come to this. With that being said, please, PLEASE guys, this blog is NOT ABOUT MONEY. It is about healing, awareness, support, love, and laughter. So please, keep coming day after day like you have been just to read. I want my readers infinitely more than I want any donations, which is why I put the button way down under all the topic titles. I don't want any new readers/visitors to think I'm just looking to make a dollar. I would rather them see the posts and read them, than see a donation button. I love you all way more than that!!!)


Photo Credit Trophies: http://www.flickr.com/photos/snapr/
Photo Credit Vacate Sign: http://www.flickr.com/photos/rob_nguyen/

57 comments:

  1. I'm normally not an optimistic person, but I am right now.

    You'll get through this.

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  2. Sorry to hear that, there are different ways for someone to donate you money I think the easiest and simplest way is a paypal donation where you dont really have to give a lot of personal info. Opening a paypal account is easy and so is the transferring.

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  3. honestly there has to be a way to accept donations not to your name. Let's put our heads together people!

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    1. https://www.paypal.com/webapps/mpp/fundraising

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    2. But will that still be linked to my name bc it would be my bank account? I just don't want a bunch of people knowing who my kids are and where we live. So many strange people in the world....

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    3. A lot people uses random names in paypal to pay for game servers for example, servers that are used by a bunch of people and they all pool money in. You could have an account in paypal with your pen name and another account with your real name, and simply transfer the money from your pen name account to your real one. That way people would only see your fake account.

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    4. If I remember correctly the fake name accounts "unverified" they had 10k cap, we never had problems using them. Paypal shouldnt give you a hard time unless u get more than 10k or hundreds upon hundreds of people donating, then they may think you are laundering money or something lol and you would have to do some explaining to them.

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  4. Open an paypal account, with one email like "itsnotmyshametobear" and check if you can hide your name, or at least have an nickname in it. If the answer is yes, than there you go.

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    1. Or one crowdfund site. like kickstarter.

      But anyway... girl, you are amazing. seriously.

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    2. When I had looked into it, I couldn't figure out how to hide my name, and kickstarter was the same way :(

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    3. You dont have to use your real name in Paypal you can simply be NotMyShametoBear

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    4. Im looking at it but it says it requires my legal name, home address, and phone number. ?

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    5. I guess I don't really care if its my real info, as long as it isn't available for the entire internet world to see. Anyone know about that?

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    6. I'm researching, but try to do a test with a friend, honey. I guess i will mail paypal and ask

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    7. Ok, spent an hour on the phone with paypal and set up my account. Now if only I could figure out how to link it to my blog.... I did the whole "create button thing," but it doesnt seem to be linking it. I may have to call again tomorrow

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    8. Oh wait, I think I got it!! Yay!!

      And also, I am so totally embarrassed that I am doing this...

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    9. I see a donate button at the top of the page.

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    10. No need to be embarrassed, sweetheart, just see it as a favor from people who want to help someone in need and when you can you will pay it forward and help someone else who needs it!

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    11. Catherine already said pretty much exactly what I wanted to say. So I'll just agree with her completely.
      Please don't be embarrassed. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE needs help sometimes in one form or another. And everyone here knows you'll pay it forward when you can. :)

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    12. Thanks for always knowing what to say to make me feel better guys :)

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  5. What are the legal hurdles to getting your ex to pay his child support and put the kids on his insurance? The kids are entitled to that, it's his legal obligation, and I know for a fact that his wages can be garnished if he refuses to pay the court-ordered support amount (and though he may be delinquent for years before that happens, he'll still be on the hook for it). Can the social worker & attorney not help you initiate that process? There are several US nonprofits that do exactly this, or at least help advocate/advise if you have an overworked public defender/legal aid type representative. I know court costs money, but a c/b/a will show that whatever the children receive in support and medical care will far outweigh the up front legal costs.
    Also, the ex did not "give you the house". What he did was saddle you with a debt that outstripped your ability to pay. That also is deeply unfair, and should be taken into account in alimony payments. Did the lawyers just let that slide? Is there better representation out there? A pro-bono clinic? Anything? Your lawyer does not seem to have handled any of this for you in a competent manner.

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    1. He is a drug dealer, so he is making most of his money under the table. He works like two days a week as a cashier somewhere, just enough to keep him out of jail, but not enough to really pay me anything. Of the wages he does make, a portion are garnished.

      As for the insurance, I'd have to pay to take him back to court on it. Just like the medical bills he owe's me for, the safety deposit box he won't close, the fact that he uses my home address to open bad lines of credit, and a bunch of other things. It all costs money for me to take him to court :( I checked with the legal services in my area and they don't handle things like that.

      I don't get alimony. When he disappeared, he quite his job. By the time the divorce was going to be finalized, I was the only one working so I could have ended up paying him alimony!

      It all comes down to an over worked state that has little funding because its so broke, and a loser ex husband that is living nearly off the grid.

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  6. *hugs* My thoughts are with you.

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  7. It is hard to accept the goodwill of people (not to mention money!) but is sometimes what we have to do to survive and care for those dependent on us. My granddaughter was born with a rare genetic condition called Tuberous Sclerosis (our first grandchild). The medical bills, cost of medication etc were staggering. My daughter and her husband were both working but even with that the costs were astronomical (btw...those braces for your daughter look very familiar! Our granddaughter's are pink!). But they are part of a very loosely woven Christian community, between school, church and friend connections and the outpouring of help of all kinds was staggering. At first it was very hard for them to accept it but they came to realize that, for them, it was pride that kept them from it and accepting gracefully was also a way to give TO others...by letting them help. It was eye opening and humbling to them but has actually taught them how to be more generous to others (not something I think YOU need to learn! You seem to be MORE than generous to others!). I guess the point I am trying to make is that in accepting help there is often a lesson that God has for us that we didn't realize we needed. It is usually very freeing in some way! I am glad that you have reached out here and truly hope the response is overwhelming! You deserve it and so do your kids!

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    1. I'm sorry to hear about your granddaughter, but so thankful to hear how much the community was able to love on your family. :)

      Yes, I am learning that sometimes even the sweet life lessons are hard to learn!

      Thank you so much for being here for me :)

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  8. Yeah, PayPal! Thanks to all the tech-savvy posters and people who DO care about you, Eden, and your children! We are hanging in there with you!

    You have been gracious with your time/efforts for others - this is your time to receive. There is no shame in asking for help. Not your shame to bear - your tagline - Remember that!

    Much love and many hugs from the east coast

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    1. You rock my world sista. Thank you for your love.

      Hugs!~

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  9. I'm a paralegal at a bankruptcy law firm in Oklahoma, and we help people save their homes ALL THE TIME! I know it's not ideal, but filing a Chapter 13 bankruptcy halts the foreclosure process immediately. Then you are set up on a payment plan to pay back the arrears on your mortgage over the next five years. Once the bankruptcy is filed you would be paying the bankruptcy payment and the mortgage payment every month, and at the end of five years you would be completely caught up and out of foreclosure. Again, I know firsthand no one ever wants to file bankruptcy, but it would irrevocably save your house.

    Even if this option is not for you my thoughts and prayers are with you through this struggle. If anyone can handle this, it's you! You've held your head up through worse than this!

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    1. Hi! Thanks for sharing :)

      I don't know how that would work for me, but you would know better than me. I have no other debt, and I am not behind on my mortgage except for this month. Because I was approved for the HAMP program, I have to stay current on my mortgage at all times. So unlike different mortgages where you can fall behind months and months and go through the forclosure process, I have no leeway in the time. So since I have no other debt and no past arrears, I don't know what I would be filing for. And if I did file, I doubt any payment plan would be less than $512 a month that I am on now. ??

      Thanks for your help!

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  10. Made my donation :) & I'll continue to do so whenever possible. You're truly an inspiration. I wish more people could know your story. I'd give everything I have to help you if I could. No one should ever have to go through what you've been through and what you will soon be going through. I hope everyone who reads this blog will help out even if it's just a small bit. Many prayers going your way (and your children's way).

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    1. Thank you so much. I can't believe the generosity from you guys, its overwhelming to know how many people care.

      Hugs

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  11. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your amazing kiddos! I've been reading for a while but never commented. I wish I could help more but I know sometimes just a few dollars makes a big difference. Keep your chin up and keep fighting the good fight!

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    1. Welcome to the comments section!! Thank you so much hun, that means the world to me. So glad you have found your way into my life. Hugs!!

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  12. I have told you before (about your education, I think): Do not think of receiving donations as charity. You DESERVE it. And being able to raise your children the way you do despite all you've faced is a lot! Thanks to your determination they will have a sound chance to grow into functioning members of society and if you can't, then they can give back everything you borrowed.
    I am from Germany, so I cannot fathom how a state would let a single mother of two pay the medical bills for her kids, when all she does is keeping them off charity in the future, let alone let her become homeless. This is just impossible.
    Keep your head high! You'll make it. And yeay!, Paypal! No problem to donate from Europe. :D

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thank you for your faith in me :)

      Yea, the state that I live in is so broke that they don't have the funding to be able to take care of people the way that we would hope :(

      I'm so glad that I have you guys!!

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  13. I'm with those who say to accept the help that's offered. If you feel like you're "gaming the system," don't! Accept that right now, you need help to get by, and that once you're settled (and it WILL happen) you'll be in a position to help others in need.

    If you don't feel comfortable with PayPal, try approaching some of the more liberal churches in your area. I know our church (unfortunately not in your area) has a Benevolent Fund to help folks in exactly your situation. Also, don't wait to go hungry before you ask for help from your local food bank or food pantry. (I once took a tour of the Toronto Food Bank, and they told us that the average first time user has no food for three days before they ask for help!)

    What you must NOT do, given your finances, is lose your house. Your chances of recovery from your problems become so much harder if you don't have stable, affordable housing, and given what you've told us, what you currently have is not only the most comfortable for you, but the closest to affordable that you're going to get right now.

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    1. Thank you :)

      My church has taken great care of me, but they have done all they can for now. They can't support my family forever, and I just can't seem to get back on my feet financially. We do go to the food bank, every third Saturday for diapers. Most of the food they have is processed and not gluten/dairy free which is what the kids need, so we usually can't end up using it which sucks :( They do try and set aside things that they find for us, but its never much.

      I agree about the house, I don't know where I would ever live if I can't even afford this place. Its terrifying. :(

      Thank you for your help!!!

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  14. I don't have much to give, but I want you to know that I'm giving as much as I can because of how much you and your blog have positively impacted my life. (Plus, that's what sisters do ;) ) Thank you, and keep your head up- you always seem to find a way, and I have no doubt this time will be any different.

    Also, I know it's really hard to take money from others, but everyone here, if we were your friends in person, would be doing everything we could to help you out right now. It's ok to get a helping hand every now and then, and we know you'll pay it forward :)

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    1. Thank you hun, its not the amount that matters, but knowing that people care. Heck, its awesome knowing people care whether they give or not. I'm just so happy to have all you guys here. :)

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  15. I'll make my donation after I finish my comment here. Don't ever be ashamed to need help. You are doing EVERYTHING possible to raise your kids right and keep them fed, a roof over their heads, and all the medical stuff they need. It's abhorrent in this country how much medical necessities cost, especially when children are involved. I hate that people have to literally bankrupt themselves just to get their childrens' needs taken care of. It's disgusting.

    Take the help when it's offered. Again, there's no shame in that. We all want to help out as best we can and you and your children absolutely deserve every penny we're able to give you. You are one amazing mother and your kids are lucky to have you.

    It sounds like you have a bumpy road ahead of you in the immediate future. Hang in there. Flip the f**k out when you need to. Scream at the ceiling some more. Scream through the walls at your neighbors some more. It's extremely to just let it all out occasionally. And know that you absolutely WILL get through this. Stay strong, love your kids, and things will eventually work themselves out.

    And just so you know, I'm the Jennifer that's been commenting on your posts. I finally figured out my account info so I'll be using this to comment from now on.

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    1. Next time I scream at the neighbors I am going to make sure they are home first hehe :)

      Thank you for all your wise words of wisdom. I've been very blessed to have such smart people find their way here! You guys always know exactly what I need to hear, and I appreciate each and every one of you!

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  16. http://occupyourhomes.org/

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  17. Do you think you will have enough to make the mortgage payment? What date is it actually DUE? Did we all help enough to bail your leaky boat this month? You have to let us know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. Amen, Anonymous! This information is verrrrry important for us to know how to proceed and effectively assist Eden and her children. So glad there is so much care and concern for her and her family's well-being.

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    2. Hi guys!! I'm sorry, I was working on a response post last night but was just having a hard time pulling it all together, and then the nutcase neighbors had an all our WWF style fight next door and I was like "oh forget it."

      You guys were all SO generous! I am blown away, really I am. I did not get enough to make my mortgage, but I'm hoping something comes along. I'm having faith. I received $400 from you guys, I can't believe it!! Mortgage was due the first but they don't take action until the 15th. Because of the sick kids and the surgery, I only made like $120 total in January, so I was behind on EVERYTHING. Oh well, I'm going to wait and see what amazing lesson comes from this :)

      Thanks for caring guys!

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    3. So your mortgage is $512? Right now you only need another $112?

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    4. Technically I need $98 lol ;) I rounded down a few dollars before.

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  18. Hi, You!

    So I had an exhausting week and decided to come here to feel better and more positive about life, as it usually works for me like that. Read Your post and was, of course, touched as hell, but also Your experience seemed kinda similar to my current one, so it became just magical. :)

    I was thinking about that donation thing all the way through Your post and was just so happy to read that You along with Your loving readers found a way to set that up! You deserve it, You deserve to have the house You love so much for being such an inspiration and help for so many people and Your children the most.

    I'm really out of words for what You have done for them, how strong Your love is and for the fact that now You have a chance to experience a little more fairness in Your life with that donations button. Although it might not be enough, it still shows that the world is starting to roll Your way contrary to the nutcase way it was rolling before, and I wish and believe at the same time that You will live through this IN YOUR BEAUTIFUL HOUSE. :)

    I can't pay this months rent too, can't afford almost anything, but still I always find a way to go through the eye of a needle and I know I will this time too - just don't know how yet. I guess maybe You and I can relate in the sense that we are strong and smart, and have survived lots of trouble so we know we can do unbelievable things with shitty situations. Try to never forget that, okay? ;)

    I don't know if anyone listens up there, but I sometimes try praying for the people I love and care about. It is something I can do and if there is a chance it will work I will try. So I will talk to the Universe about You this night before sleep and send You some strength and lots of hearing ears for Your troubles so You had all the help You need. :)

    Take care and best wishes!

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    1. I absolutely believe someone is up there listening, because there is no other way I am still alive. I will definitely send some prayers up on your behalf tonight too.

      I am so sorry that you are going through your own tough times, but I am happy you are here. It is amazing to find people that understand, and to not feel so alone when it seems like everyone else has such great lives.

      Sending you a great big huge and a super big prayers. It will all work out. Have faith and keep your chin up :)

      Visit often!!

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  19. "I look around my home, and I don't see horror anymore. I see proof of what I lived through. I see victories. I see tangible choices that I got to make after surviving a horror."

    This is really powerful for me. My abusive ex did the exact same thing with the house. We were renovating my house (I own it; he moved in and paid half the mortgage). He gave me a budget for everything and I picked it out. This time, it was the tile in the master bathroom. First, I picked tile that was within the reasonable budget. Then he did something horrible that I can't even remember now. Next he takes me back to the tile store and tells me the budget is 5x what it was to start with and I go home with the second most expensive tile available in the store (beautiful ming green marble imported from China).

    And people who know I was abused don't understand how I can be around this stuff, the reward for suffering his abuse. But I see them as trophies. How I came out the other side of this horrible thing and got a really awesome house that he doesn't live in anymore.

    I'm going to send you some money through your donate button as soon as I get paid. You're the best. Your writing about abuse has really helped me heal. I love you!

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    1. I'm glad (sad) that you were able to relate. I refuse to live in a home bogged down by bad memories. I own this, I earned this, it is my trophy. I'm glad you have yours too :)

      My friends don't understand why I keep the precious moments figurines he bought me on a shelf still. The engagement one, the wedding one, the honeymoon one, etc. "Put it away" they say, "its over." No way. I earned those. They may not represent the love that they should, but they represent a time in my life, and I'm proud of it.

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  20. Don't give up yet. You have fought too hard to get where you are now. These things just have a way of working out eventually

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  21. I wish I had money to help you...no Mother should lose her Home...but I don't have money to give...:(

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  22. Same here... I am heart wrenched when I read about how you struggle to make ends meet, especially with your sweet children, and I wish I could donate, but I don't have money to give :(

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