Boyfriend Application

So, I’ve been thinking (scary, I know). As much fun as I’ve had with this whole serial dater thing I’ve had going on, I think it might be time to try out an actual relationship. I finally feel like I am at a point where I know who I am, what I deserve, what I expect, what I want and need, and I feel strong enough to walk away when I’m not getting it. I also know, for once in my life, not only what I can reasonably offer to someone, but also what I want to offer to someone. I know where my boundary lines are. So all of this got me thinking, if I were to put out a personal ad looking for a boyfriend, what do you think it might look like? Possibly something along the lines of this?

Recovered emotional wreck seeking stable relationship with normal man. Must meet several criteria:

All applicants must be between the ages of 30 and 39 years old, be at least six feet tall, and have amazing teeth. All other physical attributes will be judged on a case by case basis. Applicants must not live with their mother or ex girlfriend as a roommate. Applicants must be gainfully employed. No applications with criminal histories will be processed. Applications will also be denied if there is a history of extreme debt, crazy families, or ownership of fish tanks.

Once your application has been approved, the applicant will begin a trial period where as a series of tests will be presented to him before he is allowed to move on to a more permanent position.

Examples of said tests include the following:

Defending my honor: If my ass or any other part of me is grabbed anywhere, at anytime, I expect the applicant to handle the situation. This is a trick test, because there are actually two parts. While defending my honor, it must be done in a way that says “don’t touch that, it’s hers,” and not “Don’t touch that, I’m the only one allowed to do that, because it’s on her and she is mine.” There is a subtle, yet distinctive difference there.

Protecting me from scary harm: If we should encounter a bug, creature without fur, or any creature with fur that I deem frightening, I expect the applicant to handle the situation. No trick test here, but bonus points for speed.

High shelves, heavy things, screw top wine bottles, and jars: I expect the applicant to handle all of these things without me asking. This is a quasi trick test, because I expect him to treat me as his gender equal, except for things where I might admit I need his manly muscles, like the aforementioned tasks. But since I won’t readily admit that I NEED his manly muscles, he should handle said tasks without me asking, per the first line in this paragraph.

Applicants must accept my children: The title of that was fairly self explanatory. There is a fine line on this test though, for applicants must like my children, but if they think they might “like” my children too much, the applicant is highly urged to purchase a burial plot before sending in their application.

Applicants must tell me I am beautiful at least as often as they tell me I am sexy. I want to be the woman of their dreams, not just the woman of their fantasies.

Now if an applicant should be able to pass all of those tests, there are a few things that he must also be able to tolerate on a semi regular basis. These include the following:

Applicants must be able to tolerate obnoxiously loud singing in the car. I will also be in control of the radio. I have amazing musical taste, and it would be a shame not to share it with the world. The singing on the other hand, might not be amazing, but it’s amazingly fun, so they will just have to learn how to deal with it. Applicants must not be embarrassed by car dancing, and are encouraged to join in. He must also be able to refrain from getting upset when I change the station mid song. Repeatedly.

Applicants must be able to tolerate at least two lazy days a month. Days must include lounging in a pillow pile, movies, snuggling, and a snack buffet.

Applicants must be able to tolerate at least two crazy days out a month. Days might include a musical venue, sporting event, local festival, and lots of spontaneity.

Applicants must be able to tolerate a delicate balance of throwing some very crazy themed parties together, and spending time apart from each other as well.

Applicants must be able to tolerate being continuously fed copious amounts of baked goods. Nachos will considered their own food group, and all applicants must be ok with the fact that they make up the base of my food pyramid.

Applicants will not be required to run to the store for tampons, but will be required to perform at least several quarterly midnight milkshake runs.

Applicants must also be able to tolerate receiving a ridiculous amounts of text messages that were not originally intended for them. Wrong number texting seems to be an inert brain flaw of mine, seeing as how I function at what I would consider to be at an at least normal level of intelligence, except when I am texting, in which case I lose about 50 IQ points. I'm ok with it, and he would need to be too.

Applicants must be able to tolerate snuggling before bed, but if said applicant shall fall asleep draped over me, said applicant must not be offended if I wriggle out from under him. There is nothing quite like 200lbs of man asleep on top of 100lb me. I enjoy breathing.

Applicants must be able to tolerate walking next to me on the beach, even if passerby's are shielding their eyes in both horror and pain as my translucent pale skin directly reflects the sun off of it, and blinds anyone within a one mile radius. Applicant should come prepared with UV protection sunglasses for himself and SPF 785 sunscreen for me.

Applicants must be able to tolerate living with the ever impending element of surprise. Often times the first time I think about what I am saying is as I hear myself speaking it. This can be surprising for all parties involved.

Applicants must be ok with hearing an unnecessary amount of facts, statistics, and quotes on a daily basis.

If an applicant can handle all of those things on a regular basis, he will be permitted to move to the final phase of the application process. In order to be accepted as “the boyfriend,” he must be aware of the following.

I strictly abstain from camping: I have a strict policy against sleeping inside of enclosed umbrellas. I will gladly tend house while you go camping, but I must not be required to actually attend said camping trip. All other vacation destinations are approved.

In closure, please read the disclaimer.

I am a work in progress. It has taken me a long time to get anywhere close to where I am now, so I must be handled with care. If you are able to do that, you will be well rewarded. I am fiercely loyal, and unabashedly honest. I know what it’s like to hurt, and I would never want to hurt him. I have compassion that surpasses the understanding of most, which means his feelings will always be important to me. I will rejoice in his triumphs and cry when he struggles. I am strong, and I can hold us together even in the worst of times. I have faith when others flail, and I see hope where others don’t. I am determined to get what I want out of life, so I will never be the anchor that weighs us down. I smile through my tears, and I won’t drag him down with complaints. When others see a roadblock, I see a challenge, where others see regret I see lessons. I know what it’s like to be unwanted, so his love and friendship will never be taken for granted. I know what having nothing feels like, so I am not one to be greedy and don’t place much emphasis on what money can buy. I find happiness in the simple gestures, so I don’t require much. My perceptions of what true hardship is are rooted deeply in my soul, so therefore I am happy most of the time. I am clear headed and even tempered, and I would rather communicate calmly than argue with him. I want someone who cares that I have woken up in the morning, and someone who cares that I have made it through my day. I cry easily and I cry often, mostly because all of my edges have already been worn away, but my sensitivity is a blessing when it comes to me understanding what you need. I am naive in that I love people I shouldn't, so please help me protect my heart, and don't hurt it any further. I want someone to walk through life with, holding their hand, and smiling at the world. My world is a pretty bright place, and I think having someone to share it with would make the brightness shine just a little bit farther. But so help me world, if any applicant tries to burn out my light.... well, I am not at liberty to say, but I highly recommend the applicant avoid doing that.

All applications will be rigorously screened, as the application process has been flawed in the past. We are working with a new system now and are fairly confident that the errors have been corrected.

Please see also: If an applicant’s office has a security camera, please make note of this in the application.