Saturday, June 14, 2014

And Another Few Bite The Dust

Well, I guess it’s finally time to give you the boyfriend update. If you remember from my post “Can’t I Just Bang Them Both,” I was trying to decide what to do about the relationships I was in. I was dating Doctor Dude, who was pretty much everything I was looking for, plus there was just something about him that really got my heart beating. Aside from Doctor Dude, I was also dating Secret Agent Guy. Secret Agent Guy also had most of what I was looking for and was always there when I needed him.

If you also remember, Doctor Dude and Secret Agent Guy each had another girlfriend. All was happy in polyamory land until Doctor Dude moved to the next state over and Secret Agent Guy thought that was the opportune time to break-up with his other girlfriend and ask me to break-up with Doctor Dude.


So what I was left with was an amazing guy who lived a state away with no plans to move back and another great guy who lived near me but for some reason just didn’t get my heart beating the way Doctor Dude did.

I thought about it a lot, I looked over all the advice that you guys gave me, I had a few good talks with myself, and then…..

I broke up with both of them.

I know, I know, “Eden! Stop throwing away perfectly good men!!”

You see, here’s the thing. They were great, they really were. Both were great and have great things to offer, I just don’t think I want them offered to me. I don’t just want great, if I’m going to be in a relationship, I want “amazing.”

Doctor Dude just lives to far away now. I'll admit, my heart was a bit weepier than my last few break-ups when I said good-bye to him, but it just wasn't going to work. He moved to be closer to his kids and had he moved back for me, I think I would have lost a little respect for him. As for me, my neighbors and my friends are my family and I don't want to move, not from the only place that I've ever felt not only accepted, but wanted. As much as I liked him, I didn't see the point in continuing to invest myself in something that seemed destined for an ending that I wouldn't like.

Secret Agent Guy, he was great, but he just didn’t feel like everything I wanted and I wasn't ready to commit to monogamy. If I am going to be in an exclusive relationship, I want the whole package. I want the “meets a good portion of my requirements guy,” I want the beating heart and the living near me benefits. I want all of it, I’m being selfish, and I’m ok with that.  

I’m ok with that because I’m ok with me.

It has taken me a really long time to just be ok with me. For a long time I used relationships to complete me; to fill voids that I had or to take care of me in ways that I thought I needed. I used them as a security blanket and I used them as a self esteem booster.

I’m not there anymore; I’m not in that place. I finally feel complete.

Over the course of this last year I realized how completely codependent I was on other people. I almost didn’t even know how to feel what I felt, I only felt what my partner felt. If they were happy, I was happy. If they were sad, I was sad. If they were angry, I was angry. Now don’t get me wrong, it is good to have empathy and to share in the joy of other people, but it is not healthy when you are unable to separate your feelings from what another person is feeling.

I was raised and lived in such a fashion that not only was I not allowed to feel, but the emotions of the people around me were always my responsibility. It was my job to make others happy. If they were upset, it was my fault. If they were angry, it was my fault. Everything that I did end up feeling was in direct relation to what the people around me were feeling. Somewhere along the line I lost my sense of independent feeling altogether. 

When I suddenly found myself single and family-less, I didn’t have a clue how to feel. I was so lost that I found myself running from relationship to relationship just so that I could have another person fill in the parts of me that I was missing.

When I realized what was happening I put the brakes on and back tracked. That was the point when I decided that I didn’t want to be in a relationship; I couldn’t be in a relationship because I wasn’t a whole person. Whoever I dated deserved to be dating a whole person and I deserved to be a whole person on my own, not letting someone else tell me who I was.

How can you be what anyone needs if you aren’t even what you need? More importantly, how can you expect anyone to be what you need if you can’t even be what you need?

I needed to take time to learn to be my own person. I needed to learn that I could be a whole person on my own.

It wasn’t always fun, but it was needed. I didn’t want to stop dating completely because as I was learning about myself I wanted to learn what I liked and didn’t like, and to do that I needed to see what was out there; what my options were so to speak. So dating yes, but relationships, no.  I made it a point over the course of this last year to not rely on any of the boys that I was dating for anything.  I didn’t let any of my boys fix anything, buy me anything, or do anything for me outside of fun dates and just spending time together. When the holidays rolled around, I spent them with my friends and their families rather than any of the boys that I was seeing at that time.

It wasn’t about being stubborn and not wanting any help or assistance, it was about me learning to accept help from many people, not just remaining dependent on one person. It was learning that when I did need help or companionship, that I would be able to see all the people that were around me and that I didn't need to cling desperately to someone who I thought was saving me from a life of solutide and lonliness. It was about me making sure that I will never become trapped in another bad relationship because I have convinced myself that I need someone. It was about me learning that I am ok even when I am uncoupled.

I wanted to prove to myself that I would be ok alone, that I could be ok alone. I wanted to prove to myself that I was all that I needed and that I didn’t need another person to complete me. 

You know what this last year taught me? I am enough. I am enough for me. All the feelings, desires, joys, and dreams, that I have learned to accept over the last year, I learned that they were enough to make up an entire person; they are enough to complete me.

I love being me, I really do. If I never end up with anyone, I’m ok with that. My life will be no less important, no less meaningful, no less enjoyed because I lived it as a single person.

Society places so much emphasis on couples. If you are single, everyone asks if you are dating. If you are dating, they want you to get married. I am just as guilty of asking other people those exact questions and I hate that, because you know what that implies? It implies that you should be looking for someone to complete you. “Yea, that’s great that you did all those great things, but when are you going to start doing them with someone else?” I hate that. I am no less of a person just because I am doing it as an uncoupled person. Why does everyone assume that just because I don’t have a boyfriend that I must be lonely? My house tends to be the gathering point for my friends and there are many nights where I wish everyone would just go home. I am blessed to be a part of many "families" and am sometimes overwhelmed at the amount of BBQ's and birthday parties that I try to attend. Uncoupled? Yes. Lonely? Definitely not. So back off society, I’m totally fine in my uncoupled state.

Does that mean I don’t want a boyfriend? No, it just means that a boyfriend would be a bonus to an already amazing life, but that getting a man is not my goal in life. My goal is to live my life and I’m not willing to waste any of my life desperately trying to find a man.

I’m finally ready to make a man a bonus rather than a priority and that’s how I know I’m ready to even accept the bonus. With that being said though, at this point I don’t feel like I need to be making compromises. Doctor Dude and Secret Agent Guy were great, they really were two great guys and I was lucky to have spent the time with them that I did, but this early on the game, I’m not willing to compromise what I’m looking for. I'm also not willing to miss the guy that I really should be with because I am too busy investing myself into the one's that aren't for me.

I didn’t want to do long distance and I didn’t want to be with someone that didn’t give me the crazy beating heart. I’m willing to wait until I find those. Maybe I will never find everything I am looking for in one person but rather I will find several people who fit nicely into different areas of my life, as I will into theirs. I don’t know, I can’t even really speculate at this point, but I am open to the many different possibilities that are out there.

I know that many of you come here every day looking for answers that you can apply to your own lives, but I think in this area I’m still very new in the healing game. My views could drastically change in a year’s time as I continue to learn more about myself and grow as a person, I really couldn’t say. The only thing that I can do is stay true to what I’m feeling now and to listen to the heart that I hear beating the loudest; mine.

This is my journey and I intend to enjoy every minute of it whether I’m walking it with a partner, a multitude of friends, or just myself.

The sky doesn’t get any smaller just because I am the only one looking at it. There is an entire world out there for me to see and nothing in it will change just because I’m looking at it alone. I’m open to the possibility of sharing the view, but I won’t wait to see it until I can do it with someone else.

The sun sets whether you are looking or not; if you wait to watch it until you have someone to watch it with, it might set before you ever get the chance to lay eyes on it.

I do believe that I will watch the sun set with someone someday. Maybe two someone’s, maybe I’m wrong and there will be no someone’s, but either way, I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.

Life is about the journey and the many people that you meet along the way. Some people you will take with you, some you will leave behind, but the only one that will stay with you for the duration of your journey is yourself. Don’t let others walk away with pieces of you that you can’t afford to lose and don’t be slowed down by dragging people along that were never meant to tag along in the first place. Most importantly, make sure that you know how to walk independently before you set off. If you can’t walk alone and can only walk while leaning on your partner, you are only able to go where they will take you. If they go astray, so will you, because your arms will be desperately wrapped around them as you try not to fall. You deserve to walk the path that was laid out for you, not to go stumbling down the wrong one because you cannot walk alone.

Learn to walk independently and then when you are assured that you have the strength to get to wherever you need to be, take just the hand of the one that was meant for you. Let them walk beside you to share in your journey, but not to carry you through. 

Your life was meant to be lived by you and enhanced by the ones around you, not lived only because of the ones around you.

You are an entire person because of who you are, not because of anyone but you. You are an entire lifetime. You are memories and happiness, love and change. You are the culmination of your experiences and the definition of your actions.

You are enough. You have always been enough. You are the walking, breathing, living definition of a soul with the power to change this world.

You have the power to change this world.

Anyone that can change the world, is enough for themselves.

You are enough, you just need to believe it first.

Find yourself. Find yourself and see how amazing you are.

Before you can be amazing though, you need to learn to be enough.

You are enough.

Believe it.

I finally do.

Photo Credits


  1. LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!! Sorry for yelling. I am so proud of you, Eden. I am going through this very same journey myself, and nothing compares to the feeling you get when you finally figure out that "just you" is more than enough. If I find a great guy who enhances my life, awesome. If I don't, my life is still awesome. But I'm not going to let anyone take away from what I already have. For those of us who have spent our entire lives living for other people, I think we NEED to be selfish! We need to learn to demand what we need, and be uncompromising (note that there is a huge difference between needs and wants) about getting it. I compromised for other people my entire life, and all it did was make me more and more miserable, and feel less and less adequate. Good on ya! And thanks for sharing this whole experience with us.....For me it was good to hear that I'm not alone in my journey. Many others struggle with the same things I do. **hugs*

    1. You are not alone!! We can be uncoupled together lol!!

      You are amazing and beautiful and ENOUGH. You are enough!!!


  2. Woohoo! I'm in a singleness relationship! Wait until I tell my coworkers I'm going out with a chick. LOL I'm tempted to tell them that, just to see their jaws drop. :D

    1. Haha!! I could be your straight date. Wing woman plus great company ;) But hell, I've always said I could probably find a better woman than a good man. Now if I could just figure out what it is that men see in boobs....

  3. This?

    1. Haha!! Yea...I learned that one the hard way. Remember the post "because normal is for boring people" when I tried to put my gym card in my bra and ended up fondling myself in front of that man? Yikes....

  4. LOL I used to keep my cell phone on vibrate in the breast pocket of my uniform shirt. My female partner and I were always getting phantom vibrates, and randomly grabbing our boobs to see if the phone was ringing. I'm surprised we didn't get a complaint. :D


    Welcome...Finally ;)

  6. Right on Eden!

    Standing alone doesn't mean I'm alone, it means I'm strong enough to handle things all by myself. ~Anonymous

  7. Bravo, Eden! Way to go!!!

    I'm in pretty much the same boat.

    Everyone around me is like, "Didn't you turn 30 last month? Are you married? No? Are you dating? No? WELL WHY NOT?!?! Don't you want to get married and have kids and have a family? You're not getting any younger!!!"

    I need to be okay with me before I can be okay with anyone else being with me. I'm just starting to get to the point where I'm okay with me, but am struggling with the rest. Especially the I'm okay with me, but I'm not sure I'm okay with me with someone, if that makes any sense. I'm finally, after years of struggle, okay with who I am. I'm just not quite at the part where I'm able to accept that other people should be okay with who I am.

    So until I get to that point, no dating for me. I need to first get enough self esteem to accept that people are going to accept me for me and not feel like I have to change myself to please them.

    1. Geez you old spinster, 30 and NOT MARRIED!? Wanna buy matching rocking chairs and start collecting cats?

      I'm proud of you for recognizing that you need to figure out you before you can bring other people into it. So many people bounce from relationship to relationship because they don't even know what they need and they can't offer what they don't have.

      You will get to the point where you realize that other people should be ok with who you are. It's a struggle for sure, but you will get there.

      I am proud of you for allowing yourself the time that you need. You deserve it :)

  8. You're making good choices for yourself, Eden. One of my older daughter's good friends in school also comes out of a very abusive family situation and cannot seem to exist without a boyfriend to prove to herself she is worthy to exist. I think the best thing for her would be to swear off dating for a couple of years until she discovers who she is as a person, independent of how others see her. Good for you for figuring this out on your own. This might end up being the most important lesson you ever teach your daughter. A healthy respect for your own value as a person is one of the most vital things anyone can possess.

    1. Thank you :)

      I feel for your daughter's friend :( What a long road she is going to have ahead of her. Send her here lol!

      Thanks for reading and as always, thank you for your sweet words.


  9. Oh Eden, you are so right! I am 54 and have been married 6 times before I was 40. I was so pathetic! I went from one relationship to another and never gave myself time to heal, grow or anything else for that matter. After my last marriage broke apart I decided to take a break from boys and rely on me only. It has been 12 years and I don't regret it for one moment! I will say that there are times I get a little sad that I will grow old by myself but I also know that there are worse feelings. Like feeling so alone and lonely and yet there is someone lying in bed right next to you who is your husband. I wish you all the best that this life can give you. I keep you and your sweet little children in my prayers. I can only hope that your crazy ex will find someone or something to take his mind off of tormenting you. Keep the Faith Eden!

    1. Wow, I couldn't imagine getting divorced 6 times, one time almost killed me. You must be so strong by now :) It takes someone special to be able to look at their lives and see why they have made the choices that they have made, just as you are doing. I'm really proud of you for breaking the cycle, even when it isn't the most comfortable thing to do.

      You are awesome!!

    2. Thank you so much Eden! That really means a lot to me to have You say I am strong because YOU are the one who is strong. I love your blog and I pray for you and your sweet little family to find your very own happy ever after.

    3. that is incredibly nice of you to say, thank you! I love all the prayers I can get! I'm strong because you guys are helping me to get there.

      See how this great little network of awesome people is working out so well?

      Thank YOU!

  10. I recently made this same decision. Except for now I have even prohibited myself from dating. I plan to be single for about the next five years. I have some work to do on myself; to love and accept myself and take care of some addictive behaviors. I need to focus on my priorities: my child and my responsibilities. And friends. And God. The list is endless. Point is... I need to be focusing on a million other things right now besides dating. That doesn't mean everyone else does, it means I do. I know this is the right choice for me, and I know I will remarry someday. But if I don't, I can't easily imagine being that terribly much happier than I am now, so it's all good. I have known I was supposed to make this choice about 9 months ago but it's so easy to get sucked back in by some new wicked intelligent, charming, flattering man/men. But I learned a lot from that too... I am much savvier now than I was even a month ago. I look forward to watching your journey through single-hood as I take mine. I'm not counting on you to do anything in particular, more just curious. I am thrilled that you are making the strong, self-respecting, positive choice. So many, many women don't. Your children and mine will all benefit from this.

    1. Good for you knowing what you need! I think some of the wiset and most fulfilled women out there are the one's who are choosing to stand alone because they are giving themselves what they know that they need.

      I don't think we will be alone forever, not by a long shot, but in the meantime, we can stand together :)

      So glad you are here and excited to be on this journey with you!