And Another Few Bite The Dust

Well, I guess it’s finally time to give you the boyfriend update. If you remember from my post “Can’t I Just Bang Them Both,” I was trying to decide what to do about the relationships I was in. I was dating Doctor Dude, who was pretty much everything I was looking for, plus there was just something about him that really got my heart beating. Aside from Doctor Dude, I was also dating Secret Agent Guy. Secret Agent Guy also had most of what I was looking for and was always there when I needed him.

If you also remember, Doctor Dude and Secret Agent Guy each had another girlfriend. All was happy in polyamory land until Doctor Dude moved to the next state over and Secret Agent Guy thought that was the opportune time to break-up with his other girlfriend and ask me to break-up with Doctor Dude.

Sigh.

So what I was left with was an amazing guy who lived a state away with no plans to move back and another great guy who lived near me but for some reason just didn’t get my heart beating the way Doctor Dude did.

I thought about it a lot, I looked over all the advice that you guys gave me, I had a few good talks with myself, and then…..

I broke up with both of them.

I know, I know, “Eden! Stop throwing away perfectly good men!!”

You see, here’s the thing. They were great, they really were. Both were great and have great things to offer, I just don’t think I want them offered to me. I don’t just want great, if I’m going to be in a relationship, I want “amazing.”

Doctor Dude just lives to far away now. I'll admit, my heart was a bit weepier than my last few break-ups when I said good-bye to him, but it just wasn't going to work. He moved to be closer to his kids and had he moved back for me, I think I would have lost a little respect for him. As for me, my neighbors and my friends are my family and I don't want to move, not from the only place that I've ever felt not only accepted, but wanted. As much as I liked him, I didn't see the point in continuing to invest myself in something that seemed destined for an ending that I wouldn't like.

Secret Agent Guy, he was great, but he just didn’t feel like everything I wanted and I wasn't ready to commit to monogamy. If I am going to be in an exclusive relationship, I want the whole package. I want the “meets a good portion of my requirements guy,” I want the beating heart and the living near me benefits. I want all of it, I’m being selfish, and I’m ok with that.  

I’m ok with that because I’m ok with me.

It has taken me a really long time to just be ok with me. For a long time I used relationships to complete me; to fill voids that I had or to take care of me in ways that I thought I needed. I used them as a security blanket and I used them as a self esteem booster.

I’m not there anymore; I’m not in that place. I finally feel complete.

Over the course of this last year I realized how completely codependent I was on other people. I almost didn’t even know how to feel what I felt, I only felt what my partner felt. If they were happy, I was happy. If they were sad, I was sad. If they were angry, I was angry. Now don’t get me wrong, it is good to have empathy and to share in the joy of other people, but it is not healthy when you are unable to separate your feelings from what another person is feeling.

I was raised and lived in such a fashion that not only was I not allowed to feel, but the emotions of the people around me were always my responsibility. It was my job to make others happy. If they were upset, it was my fault. If they were angry, it was my fault. Everything that I did end up feeling was in direct relation to what the people around me were feeling. Somewhere along the line I lost my sense of independent feeling altogether. 

When I suddenly found myself single and family-less, I didn’t have a clue how to feel. I was so lost that I found myself running from relationship to relationship just so that I could have another person fill in the parts of me that I was missing.

When I realized what was happening I put the brakes on and back tracked. That was the point when I decided that I didn’t want to be in a relationship; I couldn’t be in a relationship because I wasn’t a whole person. Whoever I dated deserved to be dating a whole person and I deserved to be a whole person on my own, not letting someone else tell me who I was.

How can you be what anyone needs if you aren’t even what you need? More importantly, how can you expect anyone to be what you need if you can’t even be what you need?

I needed to take time to learn to be my own person. I needed to learn that I could be a whole person on my own.

It wasn’t always fun, but it was needed. I didn’t want to stop dating completely because as I was learning about myself I wanted to learn what I liked and didn’t like, and to do that I needed to see what was out there; what my options were so to speak. So dating yes, but relationships, no.  I made it a point over the course of this last year to not rely on any of the boys that I was dating for anything.  I didn’t let any of my boys fix anything, buy me anything, or do anything for me outside of fun dates and just spending time together. When the holidays rolled around, I spent them with my friends and their families rather than any of the boys that I was seeing at that time.

It wasn’t about being stubborn and not wanting any help or assistance, it was about me learning to accept help from many people, not just remaining dependent on one person. It was learning that when I did need help or companionship, that I would be able to see all the people that were around me and that I didn't need to cling desperately to someone who I thought was saving me from a life of solutide and lonliness. It was about me making sure that I will never become trapped in another bad relationship because I have convinced myself that I need someone. It was about me learning that I am ok even when I am uncoupled.

I wanted to prove to myself that I would be ok alone, that I could be ok alone. I wanted to prove to myself that I was all that I needed and that I didn’t need another person to complete me. 

You know what this last year taught me? I am enough. I am enough for me. All the feelings, desires, joys, and dreams, that I have learned to accept over the last year, I learned that they were enough to make up an entire person; they are enough to complete me.

I love being me, I really do. If I never end up with anyone, I’m ok with that. My life will be no less important, no less meaningful, no less enjoyed because I lived it as a single person.

Society places so much emphasis on couples. If you are single, everyone asks if you are dating. If you are dating, they want you to get married. I am just as guilty of asking other people those exact questions and I hate that, because you know what that implies? It implies that you should be looking for someone to complete you. “Yea, that’s great that you did all those great things, but when are you going to start doing them with someone else?” I hate that. I am no less of a person just because I am doing it as an uncoupled person. Why does everyone assume that just because I don’t have a boyfriend that I must be lonely? My house tends to be the gathering point for my friends and there are many nights where I wish everyone would just go home. I am blessed to be a part of many "families" and am sometimes overwhelmed at the amount of BBQ's and birthday parties that I try to attend. Uncoupled? Yes. Lonely? Definitely not. So back off society, I’m totally fine in my uncoupled state.

Does that mean I don’t want a boyfriend? No, it just means that a boyfriend would be a bonus to an already amazing life, but that getting a man is not my goal in life. My goal is to live my life and I’m not willing to waste any of my life desperately trying to find a man.

I’m finally ready to make a man a bonus rather than a priority and that’s how I know I’m ready to even accept the bonus. With that being said though, at this point I don’t feel like I need to be making compromises. Doctor Dude and Secret Agent Guy were great, they really were two great guys and I was lucky to have spent the time with them that I did, but this early on the game, I’m not willing to compromise what I’m looking for. I'm also not willing to miss the guy that I really should be with because I am too busy investing myself into the one's that aren't for me.

I didn’t want to do long distance and I didn’t want to be with someone that didn’t give me the crazy beating heart. I’m willing to wait until I find those. Maybe I will never find everything I am looking for in one person but rather I will find several people who fit nicely into different areas of my life, as I will into theirs. I don’t know, I can’t even really speculate at this point, but I am open to the many different possibilities that are out there.

I know that many of you come here every day looking for answers that you can apply to your own lives, but I think in this area I’m still very new in the healing game. My views could drastically change in a year’s time as I continue to learn more about myself and grow as a person, I really couldn’t say. The only thing that I can do is stay true to what I’m feeling now and to listen to the heart that I hear beating the loudest; mine.

This is my journey and I intend to enjoy every minute of it whether I’m walking it with a partner, a multitude of friends, or just myself.

The sky doesn’t get any smaller just because I am the only one looking at it. There is an entire world out there for me to see and nothing in it will change just because I’m looking at it alone. I’m open to the possibility of sharing the view, but I won’t wait to see it until I can do it with someone else.

The sun sets whether you are looking or not; if you wait to watch it until you have someone to watch it with, it might set before you ever get the chance to lay eyes on it.

I do believe that I will watch the sun set with someone someday. Maybe two someone’s, maybe I’m wrong and there will be no someone’s, but either way, I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.

Life is about the journey and the many people that you meet along the way. Some people you will take with you, some you will leave behind, but the only one that will stay with you for the duration of your journey is yourself. Don’t let others walk away with pieces of you that you can’t afford to lose and don’t be slowed down by dragging people along that were never meant to tag along in the first place. Most importantly, make sure that you know how to walk independently before you set off. If you can’t walk alone and can only walk while leaning on your partner, you are only able to go where they will take you. If they go astray, so will you, because your arms will be desperately wrapped around them as you try not to fall. You deserve to walk the path that was laid out for you, not to go stumbling down the wrong one because you cannot walk alone.

Learn to walk independently and then when you are assured that you have the strength to get to wherever you need to be, take just the hand of the one that was meant for you. Let them walk beside you to share in your journey, but not to carry you through. 

Your life was meant to be lived by you and enhanced by the ones around you, not lived only because of the ones around you.

You are an entire person because of who you are, not because of anyone but you. You are an entire lifetime. You are memories and happiness, love and change. You are the culmination of your experiences and the definition of your actions.

You are enough. You have always been enough. You are the walking, breathing, living definition of a soul with the power to change this world.

You have the power to change this world.

Anyone that can change the world, is enough for themselves.

You are enough, you just need to believe it first.

Find yourself. Find yourself and see how amazing you are.

Before you can be amazing though, you need to learn to be enough.

You are enough.

Believe it.

I finally do.

Photo Credits

Holding hands