Saturday, July 5, 2014

He Makes My Clothes Fall Off

I really don’t like the police and yet I keep dating their detectives….

Bizarre I know.

Very shortly after I broke up with Doctor Dude and Secret Agent Man, I met someone. He has the same name as my father and he is a detective. I am ok with just about none of that, although, because I am pretending to be a mature woman, I am attempting to see past that.

This dude, whose name I do not like because he shares it with my father, is a 38 year old gun crimes detective in the large city that I live just outside of. I’m talking murders, crime scenes, interrogations, the whole nine yards. It really freaks me out when I know that he was standing around a dead body earlier in the day and now we are eating dinner, but what freaks me out even more is that when he is on call, he quite often gets called in for domestic issues. Rapes, pistol whippings, things that make my own body want to turn inside out and vomit.

When I work with the abused women in my groups, I hurt for them. I'm not desensitized to their feelings and it actually upsets me when I know that they are hurting; yet as I watch him work his cases, I see him feeling….nothing. We talked about it one night, me asking how he deals with that stuff day after day and he basically told me “Eden. I’ve worked a few dead baby cases. I just can’t look at them as people anymore. They are just shells and that’s it.”

He is very sweet to me and we get into in depth conversations that last for hours, but we have never talked about my ex or any of the details of my past. It is not something that you will ever find me willingly bring up and my guess is that the tone I used when I said “he left and it’s better off that way” and the fact that I am working on a nonprofit for abused women has caused him to put two and two together, therefore leading him to just leave the subject alone.

To be honest, for the most part I like it that way. I like not having to jump right into conversations about things that cause men to run; the things that scare people away before they even get to know me.

On the other hand, it makes me nervous that he has become so calloused over time. It worries me that when it does eventually come up, it might seem insignificant to him; that because he is so used to dealing with horror on a daily basis that he might be unable to grasp how deeply affected I've been by what he might consider to be small problems.

Sigh.

The two of us decided to just take things casually with the intention of coupling up, but in the meantime keeping our options open. So, in the meantime, I bought a dishwasher.

I haven’t had a working dishwasher in over a year, but thanks to a grant for single mothers that I applied for months and months ago, I was awarded a small amount of money towards an appliance repair or purchase. I had a repair guy out to look at the dishwasher and they basically told me it was toast.

So…I needed a new one, but what is a girl to do when she has only a small amount of money to spend and yet needs an appliance that will probably cost her twice as much?

This is where I would like to tell you that I walked into that appliance store and using only sheer intelligence and the force of my awesomeness that I successfully negotiated the appliance deal of a lifetime.

Buuuuut....I would be lying through my teeth.


You see, as I pointed out in the post "Would You Ever Sleep Your Way To The Top" I am sometimes ok with letting my body come before my brain and this was one of those times. I have in the past successfully negotiated some very fabulous deals on sheer brain power alone, I just knew this was not going to be one of those times. I know nearly nothing about appliances and if I'm going to continue to be honest, I am really ok with keeping it that way.

So....body over brains wins this round.

I dressed my ass up in a very short skirt, walked into the appliance store, and waited to be approached.




Please see also; I will be awaiting the inevitable troll flaming and screams of dying feminists everywhere.

So I walk into the appliance store and thankfully the guy that comes up to me looks to be about my age (otherwise it just gets creepy). I flirt appliance dude up and down and haggle and bargain and then I send him away to ask his boss about a discount.

Appliance Guy comes back with a price that is over my grant money budget, so I tell him that if he can take $150 off the price I'll take the dishwasher. He tells me he can’t do that much, but he can buy me dinner. I tell him that I’d rather have $150 off, he can save his $15 dinner, and I will make him dinner at my house where we can wash the dishes in the dishwasher.

He asks me who said anything about a $15 dinner, he was going to take me to taco bell.

I now kind of like this dude.

I end up talking to this guy for nearly two hours. We talked about everything from how some lady yelled at him for calling her “ma’am” because it made her feel old, to my nonprofit and his volunteer work, the psychology studies that prove people without a sense of humor actually have brain damage, to the fact that I had a hard time putting together the Ikea dresser.

Turns out that he is actually a piano player, degree in music, 32 years old, and working at the appliance store to supplement all the money that he doesn’t make with a degree in music. He volunteers on Wednesday nights and also teaches chess to little kids.

He is totally quirky and has almost zero game. Basically, he is so awkward that I find him to be completely adorable.

We are able to successfully negotiate a deal that slides me in just under the grant money budget and as we finish up he asks me if I want to install the dishwasher myself. I tell him that I'm fairly handy, to which he replies "I once knew this girl that tried to put together an Ikea dresser, oh wait.....that was you."

Again, I like this quirky little dude (little as in 6'3, just my type!).

As I am getting up from the service desk to leave, I lean over, give him my business card, and tell him my number is on there if he feels like using it.

The next day I got an email alert that someone, with his exact name, had made a $100 donation to my nonprofit. The email was followed a short while later by this text;




Over the last 18 months or so I’ve dated a lot of men with really intense careers. Among some of them were an attorney, the executive of a financial institution, an air traffic controller, Doctor Dude, Secret Agent Man, a wind turbine technician (that was an odd one), and now The Detective Whose Name I Do Not Like; all because I thought I needed someone who could understand my hectic lifestyle.

Appliance Guy, who I will now affectionately refer to as "Piano Man", I dunno though, there is something about him. Something....simple.

Like he’s just this musician doing what he loves and going about his life. His player game is so bad that it makes him completely adorable. Not only do I want to get to know him better, but he also makes my clothes want to fall off.

Dear trolls, simmer down. Yes, I am the blue blurb and yes I DID buy a dishwasher, but unfortunately the entire thing did not fit in the backseat of my car so I have to wait for it to be delivered.

Over the course of the next few days he made a valiant effort to get to know me. The problem is that I hate the "get to know me" part of dating. There's all the obvious questions people ask; "Did you go to college? What is your family like? Where is your kids father?" I hate those questions for multiple obvious reasons. He was very sweet but very....interested.

I avoided answering most of the questions and then suddenly it just became too much. I started thinking about the nonprofit, the dance classes, the writing, the two kids, my crazy ex, The Detective Whose Name I Do Not Like but who I personally like very much, and all the other million things that are going on in my life right now.

I ended up telling him I was still dealing with a lot from my past that I really didn't want to talk about and that I was too busy to start anything new. I told him that it wasn't fair to him for me to drag him along for the ride when I'm not really in a place right now to give him the kind of relationship that he would deserve.

He did not buy it.


And yes trolls, you will notice that the blocked out name is smaller in these pics then the previous screen shots. I had not yet added his name to my contact list for those so it was the entire phone number and in these I have.

So this Sunday night I will be going out with a piano player that moonlights as an appliance guy and makes my clothes wanna fall off.

Who knows, maybe his simple lifestyle could be just what I need in my life right now.

Either way, this should be fun.



45 comments:

  1. Wow. How do you meet men so quickly!? How do you meet such great men so quickly?? Things seem to be working out for you my dear.

    On the note about avoiding talking about your past: I do not think it is a bad thing at all. If your entire relationship is based on what you do now, and what you will do in the future, that is not a bad thing. Your past can still be central to your identity and your boyfriend can still be sensitive to it, without him knowing every detail (or any details). It's not about hiding information or lying or denying your past, it is about specifically basing your relationship on your present and future. There are people in your life who know your past and people who don't; that doesn't mean the people who don't aren't as close or as useful. I have friends I'm close to with whom I talk about my current problems, but I don't tell them everything about my past, because it's unnecessary. I don't need them to know that X happened when I was younger for us to enjoy hanging out together, or for them to give me advice.

    You go girl! It takes a lot of confidence to haggle prices, even more so by using your body to do it. It's not that it's taboo; it's that many women don't have the guts!

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    1. Also: Your life definitely sounds like a Lifetime movie. Another love triangle?! I agree that the appliance man sounds sweet and could be the stability you need. The detective sounds...scary. But you two could make a fine team investigating domestic abuse and helping victims. You knew all along you would find other men after Secret Agent Man and Doctor Dude, you are like honey to flies.

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    2. Haha! I think it's just that I am very forward. I think that people flirt with many people on a daily basis and a lot of times it's just not picked up on. I'm the kind of girl that's just like "Heeeellllooooo, here I am! Wanna go out??"

      Basically I am crazy and yet somehow it appears to be working.

      As for meeting all great men, oh no ha ha ha ha. I need to do another post on some of the WORST dates I have had recently. I think I'm going to write that up this week, you guys will get a kick out of it!

      I agree with not needing to bring up the entire past. I think people are naturally curious and then either I don't tell them enough and they get kind of offended that I don't "trust" them or I tell them too much which either makes them run or I am left feeling so exposed that I run.

      Ugh I hate navigating things like this. There is no guidebook, you know? This isn't a "please and thank you" kind of standerdized situation.

      Blah.

      Thanks for reading hun!

      *hugs*

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  2. As a straight woman who has herself had two kids, I can't get over the fact that I can see your abs through your tank top. I hate you just a little bit.

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  3. OH MY STARFISH you are too much to handle, this post was just fun from start to finish. Dishwasher AND a date? Jeez, girl! You rock! If I could, I'd totally take you out for nachos to celebrate. You look adorable, by the way. Have fun on your date! :)

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    1. Love!! <3

      I'll be sure to let you guys know how it went!!

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  4. In my (limited) experience, people react differently to situations when they're in work mode than in life mode. If I'm a friend who works for crisis counselling and you come to me in crisis, then my internal response is different than if you are random person in crisis. I'm more invested in you than I am in random. This is why doctors aren't allowed to practice on they family and friends, they're too invested in them and start making bad choices. My personal bet is that Detective will react differently to your story coming from you, than he would if it was your story as a case at work.

    I really like the sound of Piano Man. That kind of pippity-pop chemistry is rare and he makes you weak in the knees. Good signs. Besides, you've got enough ambition for two and he'll be happy to putter around and along. You're a superstar and he recognizes it and is signing up.

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    1. You are probably (hopefully) right. Maybe I'll drop like the tiniest little peice of info and see how he reacts.....?

      I like the name Piano Man lol! It is so much kinder! I'm totally editing that into my post right now.

      I'M GIVING SARA CREDIT RIGHT HERE FOR CHANGING APPLIANCE GUY'S NAME TO PIANO MAN.

      He does make my knees a little wobbly and that is VERY rare for me! I'm not exactly sure what it is about him....something.....

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  5. Eden, you are my role model. I seriously want to be outgoing, funny, happy, and attractive like you.

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    1. Ha! Nothing like a little pressure!

      Girl, you don't need to be me. Just be whatever awesome person you are! You have your own sexy and your own brand of humor, you just gotta learn how to work it! Don't be anyone but the beautiful self you are :)

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  6. I agree with Sara about how people act differently if it is a work situation that deals with crisis. The fact the the detective has to make it into something else in his mind shows not callousness but a deep sensitivity that will not allow him to see it for what it is and still function at his job. But that sensitivity would likely react differently in his personal life, imo. And Piano Man sounds like fun!

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    1. Yea, I agree, Sara made a great point. I'm going to have to find a way to test this new theory lol!

      I can't imagine what it would do to him if he really absorbed every case he had. It probably would destroy him. :(

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  7. lol. I am a feminist and I admire your hustle. Do what you have to, the world is still grossly unfair.

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  8. My eyes just rolled right out of my head.

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    1. Maybe you should buy some super glue to hold them in place.

      Or, better yet, just put on some shoes and go outside for a change instead of hanging out in mommy's basement. The sun is beautiful. No need to waste your time trolling other people's blog posts.

      Delete
  9. I don't want to be a Debbie downer but I do just want to throw this out there for your safety. Eden you need to be really careful, girls with bodies like yours don't come along everyday and guys like piano man will say anything they think a girl like you, a girl who is probably way out of their league, needs to hear in order to go out with them. I want you to have fun, I just want you to be conscious of the possibility that these boys want nothing more than to deceive you into bed.

    For your sale I hope not.

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    1. Thank you for your concerns :) I don't know about "a body like mine not coming along everyday" lol, but I certainly understand that boys unfortunately lie sometimes!

      Ugh, boys.

      I need a manual ;)

      Delete
  10. I find it amazing to believe that the trolls haven't showed up yet. I'm ecstatic.

    Love this post as usual, Eden. I second Sara A's response-give Mr. Detective a chance. He MUST turn off the things he sees at work in order to survive. Some cops learn how to turn it off and on at will-and some don't. There's only one way to find out! I don't know if this makes it better or worse, but I can guarantee he won't be shocked or horrified by your story. He's seen and heard dozens of similar ones. That being said, you'll never know if he can practice empathy if you don't give him a chance. ;)
    Piano Man...I like how he doesn't let you push him off. Give him all the info, and let HIM make the choice if he wants to date you or not. Don't tell him "You don't want to date me because I'm too busy and I have all this stuff going on." Just let him see the reality, and let him choose. THEN you'll know for sure if he's there "fo realz." ;)

    I must admit, I am also somewhat jealous of your flair for meeting dudes. I shall continue to aspire!

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    1. I'm going too :) I think I'm going to drop the slightest amount of info and give him a chance to see how he reacts.

      Check my new post for the piano man update!!

      Haha, don't be jealous, just work your sexy awesome self girl! The dudes will be lining up around the block for you!

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  11. Yeah, so, I got definite creepy vibes from your description of the detective guy. I don't know if my point of view helps you very much, but I rarely check the posts here so I feel like I have an outsider's impartial opinion.

    The caveat is that I'm not crazy about cops or ex-military myself and there have been times I've looked past it to date men like that. It never went well. (Also, libertarians and smokers.) The dehumanization you describe sounds like more than professional detachment.

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    1. Yea, the more I read the comments the more I see that is probably is professional detachment, but that alone makes me nervous to talk to him.

      I guess I'll have to see what happens. This might be a situation where it's totally me that kills it with my own issues, like maybe I'm just projecting all of my issues onto him.

      Ugh. Dating.

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  12. Hello my Name is Erica Donald I am her to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 5 years with 3 good lovely kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had a fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me cause i loved him with all my heart and didn't want to loose him but everything just didn't work out… he moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster Dr Ogba who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and cast a love spell on him. Within 3 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our fourth child… I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there needs it… You can email him at: ogbapaullovespellcaster1@gmail.com you can call him +2348116144331..

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    1. Please pick another blog Ms. Donald (sure it isn't "Duck"?)

      None of us who follow this one could possibly care about this sort of thing. !!! (In fact your post is actually in poor taste here, like putting a hemorrhoid ad in the middle of a kiddie cartoon show.)

      You are totally not reaching an interested audience here, trust me. (Especially not the blogger herself, she would rather drink furniture polish or crawl on broken glass than get that dirtbag back in her life.)

      You are probably the same person who spams Youtube videos, right? (Always wondered who those complete turkeys were...) !!!

      Please, just move along and stop peddling this garbage, o.k.? We all feel pity for you but don't spill your superstitions all over Eden's blog like a particularly ugly stain, it's annoying.

      (No, wait... if we do contact this clown will he put out a "spell" for us that prevents you spreading any of this total garbage any further? ???!!!!)

      Really, the only "spell" we have for YOU is C-R-A-P. (That's the spelling for what your post was.) Dial that now, operators are standing by. !!!!

      Delete
    2. The "cast a spell to get your husband back" posts are troll posts that pop up every now and then. They're likely done by spam bots, meaning there is no real person sitting at the computer writing them, but rather a code is written to search the 'net for specific words posted in blogs, and when those words are posted, the "spell" comment is made in reply to the post.

      Delete
    3. Is that how that works? I was wondering how they "show up." I get like ten of these a day sometimes but 97% of the time the spam filter catches them. I think they only come through when its a new account being used and not enough people have marked them as spam yet.

      I got a big kick out of the anonymous response though! The drink furniture polish part was so funny and SO TRUE!!

      Thanks so much for being such a sweet reader coming to my defense :)

      *hugs*

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    4. I read somewhere once that spambots can somehow "surf" the internet looking for specific words or phrases and then just post a comment when one of those words or phrases comes up somewhere.

      Now, that could be completely wrong. I have no idea. But it would explain a lot here.

      The furniture polish reply was great. :)

      Delete
    5. Well that's annoying....stupid spambots....

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  13. Who are you people that think this is real? This is someone writing high-school quality (at best) fanfic. It's embarassing to read, but mortifying to read the fawning comments. IT IS MADE UP.

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    1. Real or not is still a fun read and she is a pretty good writer. So the question is, why do you care? Is not like someone is forcing you to come here and read it.

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    2. High school at best? eden is witty, insightful, engaging, and some of the best writing ive come across.

      what are you, some jealous wannabe writer thats over there pouting about the fact that no one gives two shits about what you have to say?

      Havent you noticed that with every negative comment made that three times as many people step up to defend eden? Whatever twisted agenda you have is clearly backfiring

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    3. Since your asking, I am a 39 year old married mother of 2 amazing kiddos who finds a bit of solice here with a group of people who have had some experiences similar to Eden's.

      Now may I be so bold to ask, who the hell are you and why do you care who I am?

      Delete
    4. I love you guys :) It's so cool to see that you guys always have my back. Like the family I always wanted <3

      *hugs*

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    5. Jennifer, I think you were mistaken... the second response was directed at the original commenter.

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    6. I was also talking to the original commenter. Still waiting fot their answer.

      Delete
  14. I agree with other commenters - people do respond to things differently when it's work than when it's personal life. And I could, in a way, kind of see how the guy would want pretend they're not human if that's what he sees day in and day out. I could not imagine doing a job like that, seeing what he sees, and then coming home. He's got to cope somehow, I guess.

    But in your shoes, for you, I'm not sure that's someone I'd want to be with. It works for him, and I doubt he's so desensitized to abuse that he'd ever do it to anyone, but desensitization is desensitization and I'm not sure how he'd react to knowing the person he's with has been through what he sees at work. I know this probably seems kind of callous, but I'm trying to picture myself with someone who deals with people at work who are going through what I've been through, and hearing him...not downplay what they're going through, but kind of separate them from reality, I guess, and I'm not sure if I'd personally be able to handle that.

    On a positive note, Piano Man sounds like a nice, fun guy. :)

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    1. I worked in the ER for a while and I translated for patients. Telling someone they had cancer or w/e and they were going to die was awful, all this while the doctor didnt seem to care a bit. I found pretty hard to give constant bad news to people and I even had nightmares about it.

      I imagine after a while you become totally desensitized to it otherwise you cant survive it.

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    2. Yeah, I can imagine after a while becoming desensitized to it as a way to just survive and do your job. I have nothing but respect for people in those fields - I know I for one could never do that.

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    3. Yea, I'm on the fence. Like I totally understand how someone would HAVE to be able to detach in order to not become completely destroyed and I certainly can't fault him for that. On the other hand I don't know if I could handle seeing him "not care" about them personally without projecting my own feelings of not being cared about by the police, onto him.

      He might be a great guy but maybe it's not the best situation.

      On the other hand he has been nothing but good to me and he deserves for me to be open minded, so I think I will just continue to see how this plays out :)

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    4. No, you should just be honest (to both of you) and cut him loose. Wishing you could overcome your genuine reactions to his chosen profession and his coping mechanism is not going to make it happen.

      (It's like wishing for a square circle or that grass was blue. This is a true insurmountable obstacle to a relationship.)

      Accept it, and let him go (he deserves that, not for you to keep trying to force a fit that is not there, due to a major values and communication gap. Which will not change. You both are who you are.)

      Just go for Piano Man. The one who fits without trying. The one who doesn't require a special effort or an "open mind", who you can simply be yourself with and not have to analyze or wish or waffle about.

      Let Joe Friday go! (Ever see the OLD "Dragnet"? The Friday character was total stone face and always saying "just the facts, m'am...") !!!

      He was a bit of an over the top parody, but there was still truth in that portrayal. Because people who have to deal with drastic and warlike situations are changed by it, and more or less have to detach from it to deal with it.

      And obviously it is even more pronounced when it is not just once but constant (not one traumatic incident but continual exposure) like people in certain lines of work must cope with. (Which work they chose, after all.)

      You already had a lot of ambivalence about him to begin with, and you deserve to be with a person that you don't have to keep defending and justifying. (And so does HE!)

      Fence sitting is crazy, life is too short. (You don't even HAVE a fence when you're around Piano Man, right?) Really, interpersonal relationships are a big enough commitment when they flow easily, without putting yourself in a situation you find (or feel) you have to "work at". !!!

      And it's silly to try and "be fair" about these things, they are NOT fair. It is usually very basic. Somebody is a good fit, or else they are not. If there are reservations all over the place, reservations mean it is not a good fit. Period. (Does NOT matter WHY.)

      Anything you have to work on or weigh is not real. You will never click. Piano Man is easy and comfortable and feels "right". So just let Joe Friday go. Tell him he's a great guy and you totally like and respect him, but you just have too hard a time coping with his chosen profession. (It is the truth, no matter how you try to convince yourself otherwise.)

      Tell him you know he deserves an open mind and a chance but yet you have had too much go on in your own past and enough baggage of your own that you just can't really get past it.

      You are sorry, but it is just not a simple situation and despite his being a genuinely great guy, it is just not going to work. (Because you know it isn't. Piano Man or no, this guy would not work out anyway. Even if you didn't HAVE Piano Man, this guy is not the right piece to fit your own personal puzzle. For one thing, he was the kind of person in the first place who picked that line of work. Think about that.)

      So spending any more time trying to get over your genuine feelings of uncertainty and being uncomfortable about his personality trait of detachment (which will never go away, and you will never accept, so it's a no-win,) would just be a waste of time for both of you. Right?

      You, because of your past, are able to help others in similar situations to your previous struggles, but you do so through empathy and concern, not detachment and refusal to identify with them. While he chose to divorce his feelings from his job. So you would have to radically modify your values and beliefs and reactions to team with him in any way. (So just tell him, you will feel better letting him go.)

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  15. I know this is an old post someone just showed me...tell me that is not actually the outfit you wore!!! Not because its so short and slutty... Because those ugly black shoes from 1997 do NOT match the weird outfit that looks like its your daughters style. None of that is hot I promise you just look confused!!

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    1. Haha! Well, thank you for letting me know that you read my post and were so annoyed with my self-esteem that you had to take the time to try to knock it down a few rungs. Not really sure what that says about you, but I wish you the best!

      Thankfully for me, the outfit worked out just fine ;)

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