I Would Like To Introduce You To My Real Life Friends

Trust me,  you are going to want to read this one through to the end....

It was almost exactly a year ago when I started this journey with you all. The blog went up in October but it wasn't until Dec 23rd that my first article ran and a lot of you found me.

I was about to pull out of the parking lot at the grocery store when all of a sudden my blog email inbox started up with messages. Now I'm not saying 1 or 2 came in, I'm talking about several hundred within the first hour. I'm a little dull so I'm sitting there thinking "who the heck are all these people and how has my blog suddenly become the place to hang out?"

Now mind you I put up this blog and I told no one. There is obviously no family to tell, I didn't tell any of my friends, I just put it up and went along my merry little way, writing for myself and anyone else who cared to read. For all intents and purposes I had walked into the middle of the forest that is the Internet, stuck a twig in the ground, and suddenly thousands of people were noticing that one tiny twig.

8,000 people that day to be exact and I had no idea who any of them were.

I drove home, pulled up the blog, looked at the traffic reader, and realized that an article I had submitted to XOJane 7 weeks prior had published that morning and people were now pouring into my blog from there. 

It was about then that the enormity of what I had done became apparent. I had told the entire world that I had disowned my family and then they followed me here where I proceeded to tell them that my husband was abusive and I had been raped.

Because that's not scary at all....

Actually I pretty much had a full blown panic attack right there in my living room.

Yet through my panic and hyperventilation I was able to see how many of you had gone through the same things, how many of us were silenced, and how many of us felt alone. I've talked about my reason for starting this blog in other posts, specifically "Where It All Began" and in that moment for the first time ever, I realized that I truly was not alone in this journey. That many had gone before me and sadly many would come after me.

As I got to know you guys, I continued to pour out my heart on these pages and I continued to let you watch me as I grew, struggled, failed, and learned. I've let you see the deepest, darkest parts of me and many of you have let me into your lives as well. I've read all your emails, all your comments, I've truly listened to everything you have said, and through it all the ironic thing is that it was many of you who taught me the true meaning of this blogs name. 

It Is Not My Shame To Bear.

I've come so far from where I began in this journey, from realizing that this was not my shame to bear, to realizing that this was not my shame to bear alone.

Now mind you this blog is not and hopefully never will be public knowledge to everyone in my life because this blog does contain a lot of extremely personal details about me. There are things on here that I do not wish everyone I interact with in my real life to know about me. Will some troll try and out me at some point? I wouldn't put it past them but it would still make me sad. On one hand it would settle the question once and for all that I am in fact who I say I am and I do in fact lead this very real life, but again, I would prefer my entire life story to not be common knowledge for reasons of privacy for my kids, protection from my family/ex, and the obvious fact that I would just prefer everyone I know to not know everything about me.

Yet despite the scary fact that my identity may someday be common Internet knowledge, I feel strongly that the overwhelming message of this blog is important enough to keep moving forward.

Recently I've been thinking about what would happen if I were suddenly outed in a very public way. I read the comments people write about me, how I should be embarrassed for the things I share, how all my nonprofit supporters would run for the hills if they knew what a mess I was (those of them who even believe the nonprofit exists), and it has got me thinking.

What would people think of me?

Now this was a question that I had posed a year ago to the only real life person who knew I wrote this blog. It was the question I asked Mr. Attorney Man when we started the nonprofit. "Would you be ok sitting on the board of an organization where the founder writes this blog? Would you be ok being linked to me if everyone found out that I am Eden?" 

In the year since posing that question to him it was many of you who taught me that I am not alone in this. I am not the only one leading a life like this despite the fact that many readers feel the need to judge me for it. As I said, I've learned though this blog that it is not only not my shame to bear, but that this is also not my shame to bear alone. 

This is real life in the most very real sense, this is my real life, and as I continue to learn, I have nothing to be ashamed of, in any part of it.

The good, the bad, the ugly, the pathetic, the crazy, the embarrassing, the failing, the learning, the funny, the compassion, the amazing, the acceptance, the really, really, weird, it's all me. It's all me and I am not ashamed to say that IT'S ALL ME. If my name is outed by someone who just can't stand the fact that I'd prefer a little privacy and the real world wants to judge me for the life I lead, then bring it on because I am totally ok with being me; all of me.

We are all weird. Whoever came up with this idea of "normal" was a big fat liar, because normal people are just people who pull off "fake" the best. We all have our flaws. We all have our secrets, our habits, our fears, our embarrassments, things we wish we did better, things we wish we had never done. We all have sex, we all do stupid things, we all strive for a better life. We all walk around day after day hoping to fit in the best that we can and hoping that no one sees our cracks. The only absolute common denominator that I can find in a "normal" person is that there is so much more to each and every one of them then you would ever have believed to exist.

So here I am, flaws, cracks, and all. I'm not normal, but I'm willing to bet that not being normal is a hell of a lot more normal than most people would be willing to admit.

So this whole "I'm not normal and I don't need to be" thing had gotten me thinking about the reasons as to why I was keeping this blog so secretive. I thought about it a lot and as of recent I've told a few people about all of you and what I've been doing. I told the people that I consider to be my family, the family I always wanted. I have been fairly blessed with a large group of friends, but just like the friends many of you have, you don't tell them everything. The people I told are more than just my friends, they are my family. They are my family because they have seen just how deep my cracks run and have continued to be the people that support me through the craziness that is my life.

It was a little weird, to be like "hey and uh, by the way, I've been writing this blog thing, and it's probably more than you would ever want to know about me, but uh, on the off chance that this goes public, I'd uh like you to have heard it from me first."

But there it is, my "family" now knows about what I've been doing and surprisingly they have all been really proud of me.

To make it even better we had a grand old time reading the trolling threads and all the nasty comments people write calling me an Internet hoax. I know people think it's weird that I read the comments and trolling threads about me but I really don't understand why that seems so strange. Writing an article is like painting a picture. If it is being displayed at an art show, it would be expected that the artist show up seeing as how it is their work and all. Yet if a writer has an article published and then goes on to read the comments, people always seem so surprised by that. Like I said, I don't get it. Either way, I get a kick out of reading them, I really do. I mean I know I'm real, so it's really strange watching people argue about how you cannot possibly be a real person. Mr. Attorney Man and I have been laughing at them for months, we particularly enjoyed the people talking about how mortified Mr. Attorney Man would be if he knew I was writing about him on this blog and that I probably have him tied up in my basement somewhere. Now that a few of my friends know as well, it has been especially fun reading them together over a bottle of wine.

It's now a running joke that we can do whatever we want because we aren't real anyways!

So as we were reading the trolling comments and discussing how very real we apparently weren't, along with the fact that we had enjoyed a few glasses of wine, and because my friends are just as strange as I am, we suddenly thought it would be funny to start the "I am real and so is she" campaign. After a little discussion and a quick conversation with the part of the group that wasn't with us, we decided to have everyone write a sign with whatever they felt like sharing and to hold it just below their eyes to protect my anonymity. We didn't make the signs that night, but I have to say that over the next several days as the pictures started showing up in my inbox, I was reminded why I had chosen them as my family in the first place.

So without further ado, I would like for you to meet my real life friends, the people that you have been reading about, because not only am I real, but they are real too.

Remember the girly from "Make It Count?" This is my bestie, and as I said she is the girl with whom I would trust to raise my children in the event that God forbid something happened to me. She was the first one I told when my ex left and the first one I called after the rape. It was her mother-in-law that taunted my mother in church and her own mother that lovingly kidnapped me last Christmas. Her family and her husband's family rallied alongside me when my own family did not and I will forever be greatful to them for that. Some of you thought that my post about her was so sappy that it couldn't possibly be true, but here she is, in the flesh.

I'm also pleased to introduce to you the the famous "Frisbee Boy's" Mom. She has been in so many posts I'm not even sure what to link here, but as I explained in the post "They Came Softly," she really has become the mother I never had, the mother I always wanted.

Below is my hysterical friend from Florida. She has an editorial backgroud and has been amazing at letting me bounce writing questions off of her. She takes care of me in ten different ways all the way from Florida and if I ever get the chance I'm moving into her house with the pool (hint, hint). She had the pleasure of meeting Jorge and his amazing teeth with me and I am so blessed to have her in my life.

This is my sidekick, my platonic husband if you will. She is the one I shake my ass with on the dance floor, plan ill fated trips to the pumpkin farm with, and toast my glass with during our crazy parties. She is not just the girl who brought someone to my house who gave me the strangest advice I have heard in my entire life, but she is also an amazing woman who works alongside me at my nonprofit. I've read many comments that there is no way the adventures we have are real, but I assure you they unfortunately are!

Below is a girlfriend of mine that I met years ago when we joined the same playgroup with our daughters. She was one of the first people to be there for me when my ex left and coincidentally works at a domestic abuse shelter. Not only can she frequently be found clinking glasses with me during the weekends, but I spent Thanksgiving with her and her family. I am proud to call her my friend and I am grateful that she accepts me like family.

Last but not least, I couldn't possibly leave you without a final word from Mr. Attorney Man. Not only has he been a good sport in accompanying me through the craziness that has been the last several years of my life, but he has fought for me against my ex, gone to bat for me in the courtroom, vouched for my identity with the companies I work for, founded an amazing organization with me, and is now starting a new journey as the co-author of our upcoming book. 

Please give a warm welcome to the one and only, Mr. Attorney Man.

So there you go, six very real people in my life who have loved me through thick and thin (or supported me in a professional kind of way when it comes to the dude pictured above) and the six people that I trust most in this world. Six people who have been with me through some of my roughest patches and six people that are continuing to support me as I chug along in this little blog of mine.

As I said I will continue to strive in maintaining my anonymity for the privacy of my children and the safety of my family, not to mention the fact that it would just be weird to hand out this information to everyone who knows me, but I no longer feel the need to hide my secrets from the people who are the closest to me. I realize that many of you trolls readers feel that this blog would be a hindrance to my professional life, but we will have to agree to disagree on that.

So thank you, my fellow readers for continuing to remind me that I am not alone in this journey and thank you to the dear six of you who put up with the real life me on a very real daily basis.

If there is anything that I have learned from this blog, it's that I am real in the most authentic way. I'm not talking about the fact that the life I describe in this blog is real, I'm talking about the fact that I live in the most authentic way possible. I've thought in depth about what it will be like for my children to read this blog when they are older or what my nonprofit supporters might think of me if they saw this. Yes, I'm strange. I make mistakes, I struggle, and sometimes I fail. I embarrass myself often. I share to much and sometimes too little; I'm still learning the delicate balance. I do things people think are crazy and I say things people can't believe I said. I don't always have the right answer, but I'm always willing to learn. I'm passionate, different, reflective, strong willed, opinionated, unique, driven, and not afraid to stand up for what I believe to be right. If you take all of that together and decide that the majority of my traits reflect poorly upon me, then so be it because I am no longer ashamed of who I am and I am unwilling to pretend to be someone I'm not.

This is me and I am real. I'm not normal, but that's probably a good thing, because I think if I had been normal, I might never have gotten to where I am today.

I don't want to be normal, I just want to be me.

There is enough "normal" in this world, enough fake to go around. It's authenticity that is valued the most, for authentic is the truest form of an original, and it's the originals that set the standard for the future.

Don't waste your time pretending to be someone you aren't because all you are really doing is masking the fact that you are striving to be a cheap rip off of something original. Be you, for nothing is more valued than authenticity.  

I don't want to be normal, I just want to be authentic.

Galileo himself spent his entire life fighting against what others thought to be right and true. He believed in a universe outside of our own and he never faltered in his dedication to prove that the earth revolved around the sun. Despite what others thought of him, despite how it reflected on him professionally, and even when he fell to the mercy of the courts, it was his persistence in being himself that showed us a universe far greater than we ever would have seen without him.

As I've said before, stars, like people are imperfect, yet each one continues to shine in it's own unique way. The sky would be be a lot dimmer if we only allowed some of our stars to shine. 

I'm not normal, I'm far from it actually, but I'm ok with that because it's the brightest stars that lead the way, the ones who aren't afraid to make their presence known. 

There is a reason our entire planet gravitates towards the sun.

I might not be normal, but at least I'll shine bright.

(They make sunglasses if you don't want to see me.)

As the rest of you, don't be afraid to shine brightly in all your glorious (im)perfection. 

For just like the sun it's those that shine brightest who warm the earth.

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