Friday, February 6, 2015

There Was Definitely Screaming



I DROVE ON THE EXPRESSWAY!!!!!


I'm telling you, I wasn't kidding when I said I was determined to get over this fear of mine!
Thankfully my friends were all in when I told them about project "Helping Eden Get Over Her Absolutely Ridiculous Fears" and so off we went, to tackle my fears and create nightmares.

A few weeks ago my Platonic Husband drove me to the city to see a musical at one of the theatres. In case you didn't know this, not only do I not drive on expressway, but aside from doctor appointments where I am dropped off and picked up at the doors of my destination, I also don't do the city. By not "doing the city" I basically mean that all those wonderful miles of happiness and joy can just go fuck themselves because that's where all the scary shit lives and I don't want to be anywhere near it.

To say that I was nervous about venturing where the scary shit lives into the city would be the understatement of the century. I spent weeks talking myself off the ledge of insanity and eventually I became ok with the idea that in my delusional mind we were simply going to park inside the theatre, see the show, pull out, and teleport ourselves home.

Needless to say that did not happen.

What really happened was that we parked and walked 176 miles to the theatre. Well maybe not quite that much, but it seemed like it was about that far. I could see the sign for the theatre all the way from the parking garage, but it was doing one of those "oasis in the desert" things where I kept thinking we were getting closer and the sign just kept moving further away.

Well fuck that shit!

At one point as we were waiting for the stoplight to change so that we could cross the street, someone handed $10 to a homeless man in a wheelchair who was holding a sign that said "hungry and paralyzed." That may have actually given me the slightest hope that maybe, just maybe, the city wasn't entirely and exclusively filled with psychos and serial killers, except for the fact that as soon as the good-doer walked away the paralyzed man stood up, handcuffed his wheelchair to a bike rack, and then walked into a restaurant without even trying to fake a limp.

OH NO YOU DIDN'T!

Eventually we made it to the theatre where I proceeded to tell my Platonic Husband all of the things that could go wrong while we were in there and she attempted to shut me up by stuffing my face with copious amounts of rasionettes.

"Seriously Eden," she said. "You cannot possibly expect that all of those things will happen today."

OH YES I CAN.



When we left I was ready to run to the car (because everyone knows that after dark is when the city murderers come out), but she was content with walking around first. As I stood outside next to a woman who was sitting in a lawn chair, holding a cat that was wearing a sweater (I mean it was 13 degrees outside so I guess that makes the tiniest bit of sense), she somehow talked me into going into a shoe store.


Once inside I snapped this little picture of the rubber prison shower shoes that were featured in "Things That Make You Ask Why Part 9." This was a new thing for me, rubber prison shower shoes being sold in a big box shoe store, but I guess that's what city folk need; detox shoes.


We have no need for things like that in my rural town, we just pack flats and hope the walk of shame home isn't to far. I guess in the city a night out on the town includes packing your prison gear.

I then rubbed elbows with a woman who was shopping in slippers, a bathrobe, and a hair net, and thus decided that this had been quite enough city for me.

We high tailed it to the parking garage where we paid $40 and almost got out. I say almost because the parking garage gate arm thing only went up about two feet and then fell back down, therefore trapping us inside. 

I'm not even kidding.

Even Ms. Calm, cool, and collected "I love the city!!!" Platonic Husband was screaming at the gate.

This is why I do not like the city. Crazy shit happens there and I AM NOT OK WITH IT.

In fact, the last time I was there for enjoyment purposes I must have been about 18 and I was with my brother. Not only did a homeless man ask me for money and then try to rip my purse right off of my shoulder (which started a shoving match between him and my brother), but we took the train which is an experience I have completely blocked out of my mind, and then we got on a bus.

While on the bus, sitting in the first seat mind you, the entire door fell off of the bus.

THE ENTIRE DOOR FELL OFF OF THE BUS.

It landed in the street (and thankfully missed any other vehicles). The bus driver stopped, recruited a couple passengers, and together they hauled the door onto the bus and laid it in the aisle. So there I am, feet resting on the door, driving down the city streets, making sharp turns that defy gravity, and all the while I'm sitting next to a gaping hole in the side of a moving vehicle.

NO THANK YOU.

So apparently I don't do trains, buses, or parking garages. I'm kind of running out of options here people....

Thankfully by the grace of God we made it home and I'm pretty sure that I've had enough city for the next...oh...maybe forever actually.

So anyways, back to today, today I drove on the expressway. My dear Platonic Husband and I had plans to go to Ikea and she seized the opportunity to say "and how about you drive on the expressway?"

Bitch.

But because I'm trying to be a grown up here, I said "sure bitch."

I pull up to her house and this is what got in my car.


Now she can make fun of my driving all she wants, but let me just point out that at least I know how to put a bicycle helmet on. She is all "why are the straps covering my eyes?" and I'm all "because you have it on backwards bitch my dear."

So basically we are exactly the kind of people you want zipping down the expressway. One in the midst of a panic attack and the other who can't see the oncoming semi truck because a backwards bicycle helmet is blocking her view.

Lovely.

I probably should have clarified in my last post that when I say I have gotten to the point of being able to drive on the highway with other people, what I actually meant was "I have gotten to the point where I can ride on the highway with other people driving." Not drive, ride.

So there I am, suddenly driving down the expressway for the first time ever, and really, I didn't see what all the hype was about. This wonderful and magical pathway did not seem to be saving me anymore time than when I take the back roads, so what is the point? I questioned my friend about this and her reply was "because this is the expressway. It's made to express (she then did a little hand motion of a car zipping down the road). We are going 30mph. Speed up or we are going to get run over."

Psh. Details.

So I sped up a little and eventually.... WE MADE IT!!!!

I made it to Ikea ON THE EXPRESSWAY!!

I then turned to my Platonic Husband and said "I did it!! I did great!! Wait...was there screaming? I have a vague memory of screaming" to which she replied "there was definitely screaming."

DON'T JUDGE ME. Merging is scary.

We then had a wonderful time at Ikea! My Platonic Husband did the worm dance inside of a children's play tunnel....


...while I watched her from the comfort of a children's rocking chair. 


She was worried that I wouldn't be able to get my ass out of it, BUT I DID (let the record state). She on the other hand had to be physically pulled from a chair that was in a shape I literally cannot even describe. After that I pushed her on a palate cart up to the register while she pretended to kayak with a curtain rod until we almost got run over by a refrigerator on a dolly.


Basically it was a fairly normal day for us.

All of that though is completely irrelevant because the big news here is that I DROVE ON THE EXPRESSWAY!!

Can I get a round of applause here?

We then decided that we'd already had enough excitement for one day and took the back roads home.

But who cares, because I did it!!


29 comments:

  1. Hey you did it. Now you just need to do it again and again and soon you will be driving it like a pro. Guess you need to buy lots of ikea stuff in the future. Winter in cities sucks anyways, maybe you will return in nicer weather.

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    1. lol, well I have no money for Ikea shopping, but I will certainly do my best to point out things I think my friends need haha! Get some more practice in!

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  2. You don't happen to live by Chicago, do you? 'Cause that's what I think of when I hear "big scary city!"

    Bravo! Go you!!

    PS, your platonic husband is extremely pretty!

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    1. Are there any cities that aren't scary? I have a few that top my list as to what I think would be the most terrifying.

      Top Three:
      New York
      Detroit
      Chicago

      Although I have been in lots of cities and I haven't liked any of them. In fact the little downtown area where my courthouse is, it looks like a city bc there are tall buildings and narrow streets so I hate that place as well. If it looks like a city I don't like it. Apparently I suffer from location predjudice. :(

      She is very pretty! I'm a lucky platonic wife!

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    2. What about Washington DC? Or Baltimore MD? Or on the west coast, there's Oakland CA. And the city of Compton in Los Angeles county is so bad that it even has the hip hop and rap music groups referencing it as such. (So those are MY top pics for scary cities, although New York does trump them all, granted.) !!!

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    3. I was actually going to add Oakland and then narrowed my list down to three haha. I guess I just assumed Washington DC to be like super safe with all those public officials. True, Baltimore should be on there as well. YES Compton!! Tupac lol!

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    4. You see though, there are so many!! NO CITIES!!

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    5. Baltimore is scary, Philly is pretty scary too. New York is too great to be avoided, but it obviously depends on what part you're in. I have been to/through all these cities but grew up just outside of Boston - which is pretty safe for a city its size but has some parts that aren't so great, so I thought I knew it all - and then saw some of these cities. The difference was pretty... shocking.

      And Eden just (correctly) referenced Tupac, which I fear no one will give her deserved props for, so yeah that's why I wrote this. :D

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    6. YOU NOTICED!! Nice!!! ;)

      Ok, I'm now going to add every single city to my "scary" list because the more you all mention the scarier they all sound. I keep thinking of TV shows that have featured their crime...

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  3. Why does bike helmet pic have a blonde woman but the other pictures have a dark haired one? It says they're suooosed to be the same person.

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    1. She has brown hair in both. You are just seeing the reflection of the sun in the helmet pic. Look at the hair down by her shoulder, it's brown. Or look at the pic from later in the day at IKEA. You can see her scarf sticking out of the play tunnel, same one from the car, and brown hair!

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    2. Ah I see it. Lol, I kept wondering where the third person was.

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  4. Yay, Eden. Way to go!

    I was going to post a much longer reply, but then I realized I was writing a novel, and I already have a novel written out to your previous post, so I think I'm just going to email you. Because I don't want to break your blog. ;)

    Cheers!

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  5. You finally did it. Way to go, Eden! Here's to more highway driving and city life... when it's necessary. XD

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  6. WOOHOO!!! Way to go, Eden! Next up....Rush hour!!!

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  7. Super proud of you! <3

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  8. The expressway is one of your fears, but how do you feel about bridges? Big tall major architectural triumph type bridges? Especially the ones without any big tall side rails or suspensions, so you can see what's down underneath them (from way up there) as you drive over them? Just wondering... bridges have special meaning to you, you've said, so you admire and appreciate them, but I'm asking about you driving across them?!

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    1. You know, I'm not sure. Now that you describe it that sounds absolutely terrifying lol!! I can't say I've ever been on a bridge like that more than once in my life...and after that description I think I would like to keep it that way! How can a bridge of that height not have a big safe side!!??

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  9. Wow, great job Eden! You drooooove!

    On a side note, though, do people in wherever you live actually call it the expressway? I was under the impression that it was called the freeway EVERYWHERE in America. I had never even heard the term expressway before.

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    1. Actually I call it the highway and my friend corrected me. I can't say I've heard freeway that much!

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    2. I use highway too. Take a look at this!!

      http://static.businessinsider.com/image/51af5dc669bedd381b00000e-915/the-west-coast-is-really-into-their-freeways.jpg

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    3. Ha! That's funny. It's crazy the things people take the time to study and map out!

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  10. That's so funny. I live within spitting distance of downtown Houston. When I LEAVE the city, I feel the same way you do when you enter it.

    Someday I'll write a post about that and you can laugh at me.

    Or with me. Yeah, I laughed WITH you here.

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    1. Thats funny! Us suburbonites. Well technically I live in a rural area...us scary farmer people!

      Yea I want to read that post and laugh with you!

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