And now I bring you Part 2 of "Eden's Unprofessional Dating Advice."
(Seriously, I get a lot of emails asking dating advice, which I think is kind of funny because hello, look at my life, yet you all seem to trust me anyways)
Scary.
One of the most common questions that I get asked falls along the lines of "should I breakup with my partner?"
It sucks, being in that undecided place where you want things to work out but you aren't sure they will. Where your heart and your brain are fighting a battle and the brain knows it's not right, but the heart doesn't care because unlike the brain, the heart hurts.
Should you break up with them? I don't know.
I guess when you boil it down the real question becomes "is this relationship helping me or hurting me?"
I guess when you boil it down the real question becomes "is this relationship helping me or hurting me?"
So how do you know if it's beneficial to you? Well, you ask yourself a few questions!
**Let me interject here to say that I am not referring to married couples in this post. I am talking about dating, which is very different than what occurs after you have made a solid commitment to someone. If any of these questions lead you to question your marriage or a relationship functioning as a marriage, then I would wholeheartedly encourage you to see a counselor who can help you better understand how effectively you and your partner are functioning as a couple.**
#1 Is My Partner Adding To My Life In A Beneficial Way?
Relationships are made for one reason and one reason only; to add to your life. As we talked about in the post "Breaking News," a partner should never be a necessity but rather someone that simply enhances your life. Is your partner enhancing your life? Because if they aren't adding to your life then the only other option is to face the fact that they might be detracting from it. If their presence causes you stress, anger, pain, and sorrow, then this relationship is not functioning in the way it was intended.
But if you go through your day to day encounters with this person feeling loved, safe, knowing that you have someone you can count on, and feel like overall they help you live as the best version of you, then they are functioning in exactly the way that relationships are intended to; to make your life better.
#2 Is My Partner Supportive Of Me?
I feel like this is a question all on it's own because while a partner should never be the foundation of your life, they should be a big part of your support system. When you commit to sharing your life with someone, it's of the utmost importance to make sure that they are supportive of the life you want to lead. If they don't support your career, your lifestyle, the family you want to raise, or the things you hold dear, then you will forever be at odds with meshing your lives together until someone bends and someone breaks.
But when you find yourself overwhelmed by your own dreams and your partner is the one at your side cheering you on and encouraging you to move forward, then they are proving that your life is just as important as theirs and that support is priceless.
#3 Do I Feel Understood?
Effective communication is one of the most difficult tasks to master in a relationship. Oftentimes couples go around and around in arguments because no one feels heard, neither feel like the other understands, and in the end everyone is left feeling rejected, disrespected, and let down. If you are in a relationship where you don't feel like your partner understands you, then it's time to really reevaluate the way you are communicating, and possibly even call in some professional help. Not feeling heard or understood is often a precursor to cheating, and further down the line, divorce.
However if the conversations between you and your partner leave you feeling not only understood but also respected, then this might be someone you want to keep around!
#4 Would You Trust Them If You Were In A Coma?
I know, crazy question right? Bear with my here! This is the one single trust question that I ask the girls in my support groups when we talk about their relationships; If you were to suddenly fall into a coma and your partner would be the only one responsible for ensuring your safety and making decisions related to your care, how would that make you feel? Would you trust them to have your best interests at heart? Do you feel as though they would make decisions based upon what they know you would want? Do you feel terrified that they would be in control of your life? Would you trust them to manage and care for the life and the kids that you left behind? Because if you have visions of them irresponsibly managing your care, failing to hold together a life for your children, and only sticking by your side until they found someone else, then what that means is that you are unsure of their sense of responsibility, capabilities, dedication to you, and over all trust. What is the point of a life partner if you can't trust them with your life?
Yet if you know they would be sitting by your side, holding your hand, ensuring everything be done to help you, and you feel that they would be capable of taking care of the life you left behind, well then that speaks volumes about how much you trust their love for you and their ability to take care of not only themselves, but of you as well.
#5 Is This Making Me Happy?
Some people claim that "happiness is over rated," but do you know who those people are? Unhappy people! You only have one life to live so why not make it your best? If you look back on your relationship up until this point, and the majority of it was spent in misery, then this might not be the best relationship for you.
The important thing to remember though is that happiness in the absence of having a good answer for the first four points of this article, may be happiness misplaced. Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking that we are happy, just so we don't have to feel the heartache of loss, or go through the effort of starting over. But as we have talked about before, there comes a point where you have to set down what's not working in order to pick up something better.
The important thing to remember though is that happiness in the absence of having a good answer for the first four points of this article, may be happiness misplaced. Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking that we are happy, just so we don't have to feel the heartache of loss, or go through the effort of starting over. But as we have talked about before, there comes a point where you have to set down what's not working in order to pick up something better.
So should you breakup?
I can't answer that, but hopefully your answers to some of those questions will lead you to the one answer you really need, because at the end of the day it's your life and the person you share it with plays a big role in how much you enjoy it.
I can't answer that, but hopefully your answers to some of those questions will lead you to the one answer you really need, because at the end of the day it's your life and the person you share it with plays a big role in how much you enjoy it.
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And this is why I'm happier being single.
ReplyDeleteHaha!! Hey, nothing wrong with that!
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